A Life about Transition

I’ve been lazy and busy at the same time for the last little while. I sometimes go through a non-desire to write and the most recent time period was it. I’ll admit to being a little bit of a WoW addict of late. (Yes, that is the first step to healing). But it is a cheap escape for me and the puzzles do exercise the mind in many ways. I think I’ve gotten a little bored with work. The excitement is down and I think I’m getting a little worried about the visa situation. I’m still waiting to hear. I think if it does fail, I’ll head to BC (Vancouver) and ride out the year there. It’d suck but, one does what ya have to do.

I have gotten a little bit excited about a new site that I’m helping out on: ButchFemmePlanet. Coming in at the ground level, it’s re-energinzed my non-work related geek to poke at vBulletin more and to do a little work on VeganBodybuilding site (I’m the admin there too). I have to say that BFP definitely feels like a breath of fresh air and has a good community feel about it. The community feeling is important to me. It adds to that sense of belonging and purpose that we often want in life beyond our partners. Anyways, it’s refueled my desire to re-learn PHP, go more advanced and get beyond that. I’ll be investigating into some things I could do to improve the blog a bit but we’ll see.

The NaNoWriMo failed for me this year. It was that whole bored/lazy thing. I dunno why but the idea I had at first fizzled. I used to have such a creative mind but now, not so much. It’s made me wonder if some of that is the T. My emotions and how I display them have certainly changed. I find I cannot cry any more (things that would have me sniffling barely get a whimper). It’s a very hard thing to come to grips with. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for them, it’s just that I cannot show it like I used to.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. This has never been a huge holiday for me largely because we never visited family and associated meaning with the holiday. When I learned the true history of Thanksgiving, that it wasn’t as “Rockwellian” as we’d believe, it lost it’s importance to me even more. It’s shocking how everyone here talks about how it’s for family and such — and then I see a lot of the grocery stores open (albeit with shortened hours). It is a commercialized holiday to the Nth degree and that really does suck. For us, we didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving but rather our 3rd year together. We first started dating on Thanksgiving in 2006 (although online) and it’s been an amazing 3 years. Certainly we’ve had bumps and bruises along the way but I have found that we’ve gotten closer and love each other more now than before. It’s an awesome feeling. I made a pure vegan dinner — tofurky, vegan dumplings, potatos, onions, carrots, gravy and a vegan wish bone — that we thoroughly enjoyed. And then we watched Bruno. That has to be the weirdest movie I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised that it made it to theaters and that lawsuits of one sort or another didn’t prevent it from airing. There were some parts that were just downright funny and others that surprised me that the audience didn’t kill him.

Anyways, online blog buddy DolphynGyrl wanted to know what 5 things we’re thankful for this holiday season so here are mine:

1. I am thankful that I finally found my path in life, even if it took a few years.

2. I am thankful that I have a job I love (yes, I do still love my job)

3. I am thankful for good health of friends and family

4. I am thankful that Bobcat is still around, cranky as ever.

5. I am thankful for K being in my life. Without her, life would be lonely and very plain.

Or at least my manager. A few months ago, while running between flights and having to lug my laptop out for security checks, it dropped and caused some damage to the case. It was enough that it required a repair. Long story short, the expenses finally got approved because my manager believes in her staff that work for her. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s not enough to work for a great company; it’s the people that truly make the difference. Every day that I’m at my company I’m in awe of the knowledge and kindness that I get from colleagues and my manager.  Her actions reminded me how much I love working for my company, not just because the I love our products and believe in them so much but because the people are so awesome and humble. I told her I owed her a dinner for this but she said that she owed me one for all the times I’ve been flexible when they needed someone to fill in at the last minute. It capped a day that had been somewhat depressing but was ending on a good note.

On Thursday, while in Baltimore, I went to the local cigar store to unwind and won a hat as part of an event they had on. While relaxing, I connected my iPod Touch to the wireless and found out that the Matthew Shepard bill got approved by the Senate (I know that some may not approve or understand but as a trans individual, it adds a little more protection for someone like me). I think it shows more and more that what’s in the government, albeit slow as most large governmental organizations are, are good people and try to help where they can. It gives a little bit more of hope to me that ENDA might yet pass in the full form rather than a water downed version as was previously thought.

When I finally got back to NYC, I noticed a large envelope from Ontario. I was hopeful that it was my newly modified birth certificate. Apparently something isn’t right with the forms and the provided documentation. So before I go fully ballistic, I tried calling them (this morning, in fact). Unfortunately, their computers were down so I’ll try again tomorrow.

One of the nice side effects of teaching at home is that I tend to not spend as much financially. I just can’t go out to the store and buy things. I just don’t see the “things” out there. But one down side is that I tend to become a bit of a home body and my body tends to become a specific shape (round). I remember when I used to bike to and from work a few years ago. I was able to keep my weight down without being super skinny. I actually liked being “stocky” and was ok with being a few pounds overweight (for my height I’m supposed to be about 110-125 lbs — I really am big boned and find I look best around 140-150) but didn’t want to be obese. A side effect of traveling is the food that often ends up being eaten, even if a vegan (e.g., fries and the like). I’ve been a horrible vegan and have done a few slips over the last few months.

I don’t know why (perhaps it’s the T kicking in more) but my cravings for salt have gone to huge cravings for dead things. While it’s been mostly fish (I suspect due to heritage and early childhood experiences) I’m afraid of a slippery slope effect. I need to get back on track. My schedule for Oct/Nov/Dec has too much of a mixture for me to focus long enough on getting back into shape. But starting January I’ll be home, if my schedule sticks, for 3 months (except for one week in Toronto) starting usually at 9am CST (that’s 10am for me) with an occasional 8am CST start (9am for me). I figured if I could find a gym close enough that was open early enough it might be an option for me to go early in the morning (say 5-6am to beat the business rush). I know enough about fitness and training that I should be able to do this on my own — it’s just will power and consistency. Because I will have 3 months where I could get into a rhythm and turn it from an occasional thing into a more permanent activity and habit this could prove well at helping me lose some weight before we move out west. It would also help for when I get ready to have surgery (weight loss for larger sized FTMs is often a pre-requisite).

Now, while I have great idears reality may slap me in the face. I found one gym that is 24 hours M-F and has early hours on Sat/Sun. The one challenge will be, of course, the change rooms. It’ll be winter so I can’t really just dress in gym clothes, work out and leave. Most gyms I know won’t allow people to keep their bags/jackets near them when they work out and lockers are often inside the change room area. I doubt that this gym will be “trans friendly” but who knows. I may luck out. I just have this feeling that I won’t be able to use it in the winter or I will have to come dress in my gear and have minimal ID/cash on me. I’m still trying to figure out how best I could do this. Have any other trans individuals dealt with this?

You know, I grew up in cities all my life. But I don’t know why noise pollution is affecting me so much now. I suppose after 4 months of non-stop (except for Sundays) drilling, concrete sawing, jack hammering and the vibrations all of those entail (and yes, all the way up to the top floor where I’m at on the 7-story building we live in) is starting to grate on me in no uncertain terms. I nearly cried when I heard them start up today. I thought they were finished since the main doorway was finally available for us to use this weekend. No such luck. I can’t open my window because of the noise and the drilling goes right through my feet. Lately I’ve been playing WoW (finally got to level 80 with my tauren hunter! w00t!) until about 1:30am due to insomnia and just general restlessness. Even though K let’s me sleep until whenever, I feel exhausted still. I find I get irritated too often and tense. My job, while challenging, isn’t a stressful kind of challenge (one of the reasons why I like it).

I recognize that it needs to be done but I will be very grateful when it’s finally done with (although, it’ll likely be done when I’m no longer teaching from home or when we move with my luck). We worry so much about visible pollution that we don’t consider the effects of noise pollution. I miss my aunt’s place, which is set in a very small community just outside of Halifax. The most noise you’ll hear are crickets, june bugs and neighbours talking to each other. And they are more calm. I wonder sometimes if the massive honking and such that is common in the area is a direct result of people being affected by noise pollution. K and I have been talking about moving to Los Angeles next year. I think I’m going to see if we can move to a place that is a little bit off the main strip. Or, at least is new enough that there won’t be any foreseen construction (things happen, I know).

K and I have been talking about potentially settling down in Oregon or Washington State in a small town/city (say, something under 20,000 pop.). While there are a variety of good reasons why (e.g., often closer knit community, stability, better family options, etc.) and certainly some drawbacks (e.g., nosy neighbours, less options for “things”), one of the main things for me is a more slowed lifestyle and quieter lifestyle. But utter silence is so appealing right now.

To be able to look up into a pitch black sky, twinkling with diamonds of planets and stars yet discovered…

I recently finished reading Deer Hunting with Jesus: Dispatches from America’s Class War. Fun and interesting book. But also very insightful about the average person in the not-so-urban areas of the US (well, West Virginia at least). US politics fascinates me. I guess it stems from when I used to be in politics. Way back when, at a time when university actually cost less than a car, I joined (now, no snickering or shaking of heads; I was young and impressionable) the Progressive Conservatives. It was fun and we did lots of neat things (mostly seemed to involve keggers on Parliament Hill — did you know there is no federal drinking age in Canada and the Parliament Hill is considered “federal property”?) but we were respectful. We even invited liberals and NDPers to them (the running joke — which I believe still holds true today — is that if you want to get drunk, join the Conservatives; if you want to get laid, join the Liberals and if you want to talk policy, join the NDP). But debate was respectable, even in the most heated of discussions.

I suppose it’s a Canadian thing where the House of Commons becomes a huge debate fest, with exception of the reading of the speech by the Governor General, the Queen’s representative in the House. This is the one time that it’s silent and you rarely hear anything beyond silent murmur and gentle snoring. I suppose that’s why I was kind of shock to see the whole Joe Wilson thing. I don’t think anyone suggests that he cannot speak his mind but rather, like many things in life, there are times and places for that. Because of Mr. Wilson, I’ve been learning more and more about American politics and all the things that make it up. It’s a rather fascinating process, very different from the calmer Canadian side of things (we really haven’t had exciting politics since Trudeau, known for the flare, and Sir John A, known for drinking vodka in the House). What in particular that did get my interest was the wide range of political commentary that goes on. In Canada there are the CBC (aka the Mother Corp), CTV (US Wannabe) and Global TV (insert witticism here). What I do find, however, is that their news tends to be either center with a tad left or center with a tad right leaning. You don’t see the leaning-so-far-to-the-right/left-the-country-dips-into-Atlantic/Pacific-ocean ideals like here in the US.

I’ve watched CNN, Fox News and MSNBC (I have to admit: Maddows makes me chuckle at times). What I find interesting is a few things: the “liberal” MSM tends to be more smiley and positive about life in general, even during the Bush years. They were far more respectful. The more “conservative” MSM tends to be angry and fearful all the time. Add to that some of the interesting results of some of the stories they report on. A recent poll suggests that about 1 in 3 New Jersey citizens think that Obama is the Anti-Christ. That’s half of those that believe in the Devil. I won’t get into the whole “he-wasn’t-born-here” stuff. I mean, seriously. You’d think that when someone applies to run for office that the Federal Election Commission checks this stuff, no? I keep thinking that a lot of this is how the liberal MSM (Main Stream Media) portrays the conservative MSM but after digging, I’m discovering it’s not. What is challenging for me is that I do believe in respecting each others views, no matter how much I vehemently disagree. But some of the beliefs that go on about the President (e.g., he’s a Hitler wannabe with storm troopers ready) and his policies are rather far-fetched (e.g., he’s going to start internment camps) but at the same time, it does make me wonder: at what point do we finally pull away from what we’re told and start to experience our own lives as we define them? I mean, do we only go by what the MSM says is left or right? Or do we learn to make our own insightful opinions? (yes, I do remember something from University that doesn’t involve a keg)

I ask this because of something that I experience as a trans person. I often hear about the many who get assaulted, hurt, killed, demeaned, etc. It’s rather frightening. But I’ll be honest in that I think it tends to cloud both mine and other’s points of view of trans individuals. A non-trans person gets told that we’re different and thus they should fear us. While the trans person is told that we’re different and we should be afraid of how everyone else will react to our path in life. I’ve been told that Christians, particularly the born-again types, are to be feared and mocked. I’m not sure if that is healthy or even necessary for all. I’ve met many Christians who are very nice and very respectful, even if they do not understand or agree with my choices. Right now, in my life, Christianity isn’t a path for me (I won’t say never since anything is possible) and while it fascinates me from a historical and sociological point of view, it does nothing for my soul.  Ever since I began my medical transition, I was in fear of what students, colleagues and strangers think of me. And so far, the results have been rather positive or neutral (no negatives but nothing overtly positive either).

Could it be white male privilege? To a degree, especially in the US, yes. And if I ever saw personally anything that would suggest it, then I’d say it’s more likely that but to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it yet. I’m not going to naively say that it never happens. I know it does. But I wonder how many trans individuals live their lives so stealthily without incident and lead rather boring meager lives? And how much of that is partially lived with the fear that if someone found out, then they’d think less of me? I’m rather public about who I am. This blog is very open and yet, being trans hasn’t hurt me nor has the discovery of my trans state seemed to change anything. If anything, I’ve noticed more respect for being so forthcoming and outspoken. Perhaps, if anything, it’s partially a confidence thing (which is more acceptable socially for a white person than a person of color — that is, a form of privilege). Maybe it’s the side effect of the internet and social media being used to create large communities and trying to fill the silence with something, anything, so people will come back. We listen to the more outrageous things than the day-to-day things probably because our lives seem so… well… day-to-day.

So, how much do we find it acceptable to continue trumpeting the evils of the “other” (insert whatever “other” is normally across from you)? Will there ever be a time when we stop demeaning the “others” and get back to civilized debate where we speak and listen in turn? And will there ever be a time where we talk about things based on what we experienced rather than what we are told we should have experienced? Or are we all just going to go along with it because we want to belong somewhere, anywhere, with anyone so we don’t feel so alone?

To end this post I thought I’d share a chuckle. One of the things I used to love was reading the editorial cartoon of the day. I’ve recently become a fan of Daryl Cagle’s website and couldn’t help but belly laugh at this:

See Cartoons by Cartoon by Daryl Cagle – Courtesy of Politicalcartoons.com – Email this Cartoon

Well, this week promises to be exciting:

- I should be hearing back finally on my certification attempt (required for work). I did the beta exam and for that, a pass is a pass. If I don’t pass, then I’ll have to try the regular exam, of which I need 85% to pass.

- I should also be getting back forms from my g/f’s mom, who I asked to be my guarantor for my birth certificate (stage 1 of the name change thing). Once I get those, I’ll send them off to Ontario Registry Ministry for my new birth certificate. Then I can go after my SIN and Passport.

- This week will mark my final tax payment to the Canadian gov’t for my 2007 taxes. After this I only worry about US taxes. The money I’ve been paying to them will go towards CCs and EF (emergency fund), which I need to work on again.

So lots of good things coming. I do still need to be more vigilant on my spending and be more aware of what I am buying. A return back to a vegan lifestyle will likely help me in that endeavor. I’ve been trying to make some money off my cigar blog but it’s been slow going. Perhaps with an increased/improved economy next year it might happen. I have being going at the surveys but haven’t seen an actual cheque (although I am seeing some money accrue).

Oct/Nov should be annual review months and I do think I am in a position to ask for a raise and promotion. I’ll have to be asking for my visa to be extended or replaced with a green card. If I don’t get a green card or a new visa, I’ll have to leave the US for a year and won’t be able to work there for that year. Definitely not good for me or my company. I know they’ve gotten green cards for others so I think it’s just a matter of patience and urgency.

I’ll also start saving all bonuses and tax returns for a surgery fund. Although I don’t need a lot (about $7500-10,000), I know that under the present health benefits program I won’t be able to get my necessary surgeries covered. And that is causing me more and more grief. I know if I didn’t get myself into this financial situation I could have done this already but.. I’m in this situation now and am going to get out of it. It’s slow slogging but I’m definitely chipping away at things.

All-in-all, life is good. Not great but good.

*snork*

*sniffle*

Ah yes, allergies. Gawd, how I hate them. I just got back from San Francisco only to be hit head first by them. I know I’m not sick but just feel miserable because of my sinuses. Hopefully it’ll end by today or tomorrow. That or I’ll be investing in Sudafed for a while.

Last week went well for the most part. 99% of people I ran into got it right. Even TSA did! I was rather surprised at that. The reason was that the law changed as of Aug 15 and all airlines were required to match gender with passport, full name, etc. For some reason American Airlines didn’t put the gender down on the ticket (whether going to San Fran or coming back) but I was never questioned about it. Granted, it could be the ol’ white male privilege hitting in but who knows. Either way, I was glad I didn’t get challenged. Made life easier. I’m getting more comfortable in the washroom (as comfortable as one can get in washrooms that are dirty and often in disrepair). One colleague still needs to work on the name and gender thing. The reality is that I don’t see my colleagues except once or twice a year so mistakes are expected. The majority (about 95%) get it right and even get it right after a few drinks (LOL).

That all said, the name portion will have to definitely change since I’m going to the lawyer’s today to pick up the certified copies of my legal name change and begin the journey to get new birth certificate, new Canadian SIN (Social Insurance Number), new Canadian passport, new US VISA, new US SSN, etc.

Sigh.

Not looking forward to this. But I was frugal about the whole thing. I only cost me the basic costs (e.g., submission of name change, necessary forms, etc.). Lawyers’ fees were gratis thanks to an organization here (TDLEF). It’s amazing how much one can save on legal fees if you just look around. There are a lot of organizations that have been created (I can think of LEGIT in Ontario that helps bi-national LGBTQ couples get residency and such in Canada) to help individuals.

On the financial front, I’ve started applying to those survey sites. It’s definitely something I can do while even on the road. If I made an extra $1-2000 a year, that can either go towards surgery funds (since all of what I need done isn’t covered) or towards paying off debt (although this year I’ll be asking for a decent size raise since I haven’t had one in two years and my role has become more senior; I suspect I’m due!).

Speaking of the financial front, as of Sept 15th my Canadian Taxes will be paid off. That money will be going to one or two of the credit cards along with an extra amount to emergency fund. I still have a long haul in front of me but if I keep chipping at it, it will shrink down to near nothingness.

Like Dory from Finding Nemo says “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..”

As a Canadian living in the US, I face neat little challenges regularly. Red tape is a fact of life by being this kind of visitor. Now, of course, being a Canadian I am honest about what I am and what I do. I follow the rules, particularly when it comes to US Immigration et al. And so I was recently faced with the chicken and egg concept: when changing one’s name in the US, as a non-citizen, what do I change first: SSN or Passport? The answer, I figure, is passort and work visa. So I went to the TDELF to have them help me navigate the waters of the US legal system. Apparently, I’m one of the first they’ve ever had who has changed the name in the US and then gets to face the home nation and it’s red-tape.

Once all the appropriate documents were filed and once the name publication is done, I will be able to obtain my certified copies of name change (10 in all). YAY ME! So as the lawyer goes through that process, I decided to get a head start on the Canadian side of thing. I called the Ontario Registry (they look after births, deaths and marriages) and asked about how to get my birth certificate modified. They explained it, saying that all I’d need is the certified copy, a letter from a guarantor and why I was using a non-Canadian for it (i.e., have been living in the US for two years now). Simple enough. One red tape issue addressed. I then called Passport Canada.

Now things get tricky. To get the new passport I need the amended birth certificate along with a signed piece of ID. No problem right? NOT. The 2nd ID MUST have the new name. The thing is, I do not drive and have no other form of ID other than passport. So I’m kind of in a chicken-and-egg thing. In order to get State ID, I must use my passport and visa but I suspect that will only get ID that will reflect my now-old name. In order to get State ID with new name, I need my passport to reflect that and.. oh wait.. You can see the quandary I’m in. So, I think I’m going to try to see about updating my SIN card (that’s a Social Insurance Number in Canada for those of you from the US). I think I used that previously to get my passport done.

I figure the wait time for the two initial pieces of ID — birth certificate and SIN card — will take until sometime mid-November. So come January I’ll have to trek up to Toronto or Montreal or even Halifax or even Calgary (actually, maybe Montreal, Halifax or Calgary– I can visit family in any of those cities and get the NEXUS while there as well) to get the passport done. Perhaps I should also get a federal ID card while I’m at it (Canadian citizenship card, I believe they are called). I think once the SIN is done I can then do all the credit cards. And once the passport is done then I can get the US SSN done and have that reflective — FINALLY — on my work email. I’m still hopeful that a green card is in my future but if I can get all this done before the final application for that is done, then life will be good.  Whatever the process, I will be documenting it here as I have a feeling I’m not the first nor will I be the last person who has to do this.

Ain’t government process fun??

It’s been a busy week or so for me and an interesting one. Last week, because I wanted to do a beta version of a certification, I was studying like mad in addition to teaching our new course in front of students. My average day just for the teaching, not including travel time, was nothing less than 10 hours. Add to that a round-trip total of 3 hours on the subway and then another 3-5 hours each night studying and the week was 80+ hours of “work”. Anyways, I wrote the certification yesterday and am waiting for the results. I’m hopeful that I passed because then I won’t have to recertify (which means writing the regular exam and getting 85% on it). It was a quiet week at home for me since K was in Los Angeles and Bobcat lost her voice (I suspect she was meowing all day trying to find someone and couldn’t). While I like my little moments of bachelorhood, I prefer it when K is around. More laughter and dreaming happens.

Anyways, back to last week. So this was the first week I was teaching at our NYC facility and doing so, out to the staff, as an FTM. I didn’t tell my students since it’s not a really a requirement nor is it really their business. If someone had asked, I’d certainly say that I am trans and such but since it wasn’t relevant, I left it. I used the men’s washroom but usually when empty (as it happened it was a light load of students this week at the facility so it was easier for me). What was interesting was how I was read. Since I haven’t had top surgery yet I worry about how I present still but I was completely read as to how I view myself. It’s amazing how far I’ve come in a year (July 24 happens to be my year anniversary on T).  The reviews on my teaching came back good and the references were entirely “he”. This was good and I had to chuckle as one student, his transphobia showing a bit, went on a rant about being “felt up” while on the subway. He said he wouldn’t have mind if it was a women but if it was a guy or a trans women, well!

I have doubts that he was “felt up” and that it was more a question of people shifting when the subway is packed (Toronto has nothing on NYC when it comes to packed subways, let me tell you). I didn’t laugh and the look on my face must have been enough to shut him up because he didn’t mention it again except for one last comment that he could identify a trans person easily. I froze at this. Based on his demeanour and claimed history, he sounds like a guy who uses action first and then — maybe — thinks about it. He claims to have “family” ties back to Europe. But he read me as I a guy and didn’t clue in. He didn’t say anything further. A person’s prejudice is their own thing and as long as he stopped it in the classroom, then all was good (which he did — amazing how one doesn’t have to speak to get a point across). I had thought about writing about this yesterday but was restless and I couldn’t figure out why — until both my aunts reminded me.

17 years ago yesterday my mom was murdered. The guy who did it is now free and out there. Last I heard he had cancer and I have no doubts that he never accepted responsibility for what he did. Up until his release he was convinced it was my mom’s fault that this happened. Now, she was never the easiest woman to live with but blaming her for his actions.. well. A real man takes responsibility for what he’s done, even if it was a really horrible mistake. And that action was. It was that action that put my life onto this path, for good or bad. I may have still ended up on this path if it had never happened but how different life might have been. I remember it took a long time for the guilt and anger to subside. I still look for those little moments I try to remember where we were happy — usually holidays at my aunt’s house. I know I was blessed to have so many aunts and uncles to turn to. I know that they may not fully understand this process or path I’m on but they do love me, support me and know I’m happy.

And really, when I look back, the one thing I wanted in life was love. And yet, I never realized I had it at times. I know now. The transition of body is, I believe I’ve said somewhere, the easy part. It’s the transition of mind and soul that is the challenge. Learning to love one’s self when the world feels against you and has been against your true self can, at times, make you doubt your sanity or path that life gives you. But ultimately, it is about finding one’s own true happiness.

Who’d thunk I’d found that in this lifetime?

So I did an iReport here and am shocked as to how many people have looked (last count was in the 1,700s!). And from reading some of the responses to the other iReports, many have been positive (although, like any there are those that aren’t so positive about trans individuals). Whee! I think I might do a full response to one report later today or tomorrow. Now, to do some work stuff.