Going beyond transition

Tag Archives: transgender

Scratch Planet Fitness off my list..

Posted on by Posted in fitness .

I think I may just go basic and run up and down the stairs (that’s 7 flights of stairs with 13 steps each so a quick bit of math –> 91 steps) a few times for cardio in the winter. I have kettleballs, a simple dumbbell, Iron Gym Pull Bar (yes, that thing from TV), crunches, pushups and my Wii (for added excitement). I was thinking that the gym might be worthwhile because I could get a trainer at the location to help me focus a bit. Bally’s was already off my list. I’ve never been fond of them and any gym that can’t quote a price to me over the phone is out as is anyone who does hard sells (Bally’s is known for this). It shouldn’t be that hard.

Really, it shouldn’t.

NY Athletic Clubs were also out because they seem to have a similar rep and Lucille Roberts, a women-only’s gym, well, would present a problem now, wouldn’t it? So I thought why not take a look at Planet Fitness? They’ve been advertising a low rate ($20/month, no contract) and had simple gym design. They weren’t for the fitness buff but for the person who needed to get into a shape other than round (the side effect of a geek’s life, even a vegan one). So I sent them out an email to find out what packages they could offer and asked what their position was on transgendered/transsexual individuals. They replied today with a cheerful email about all the things they offered, a listing of two payment options (contract and no contract). And, oh ya. The transgendered thing? They go by the state/federal documents identifier.

Ya. Not for me.

At the least they notified me in advance to avoid embarrassment and I will be writing them a “thanks but no thanks” letter. It’s fine if my passport says that but reality is that I don’t look like that letter. And I can bet that many women won’t want a guy in their change room. It’d be too disruptive and likely to set their “Lunk alarm” off (their “lunk alarm” is something akin to an air raid that goes off when someone drops the weights heavily, intentionally or not). They probably didn’t think of that when they sent me the email.

Sigh.

Society will always have me pegged in the wrong hole until I have all surgeries so that I can fit into the little single box that someone sets out for me, eh? On the top end of the scale, this boils down to money. Or more succinctly, potential loss of money and the cost to create an environment that would be open to all. And by all, “they” mean the cisgendered society at large. Conforming means that things are all the same and often costs are lower as a result. Additionally, there is the potential loss of existing customers when a “we’re-not-quite-sure-but-it-may-be-an…??” comes into a change room, customers may get that “ick!” feeling and will let management know about this, in both loud voice and dollar signs. However, let’s be honest here: the concern isn’t really an FTM in the men’s change room but rather the MTF in the women’s. It is the old idea that a “man” (physical stuff between the legs concept) is some kind of perv who wants to rape.

It makes me wonder if some of the health issues that many trans individuals face pre and post surgery isn’t due to the surgery or hormones but from the lack of access to facilities to do necessary exercises (e.g., I would love to be able to work out at 5am, grunting and sweatin’ to the oldies — which for me is the 70s and 80s). And that second guessing ourselves comes from a lack of body image and chance to adjust that image because of a lack of facilities. Now all of this is supposition on my part given that many trans individuals, particularly here in the US, sink a fortune into the day-to-day needs of legal costs, hormones, doctors and surgeries (never mind the fears that comes with what society has portrayed many as — monsters). And when you do all of that, your living costs will often be kept to a minimum so that means smaller place to rent/buy and less food options (often resulting in cheaper options).

I guess I’ll have to figure out something on my own to work out and improve my overall fitness. Running up and down those stairs should be a good start but it’s a shame that I couldn’t find a place where I could do it without potentially waking up my neighbours and actually get advice when I need it.

Getting financially and physically fit

Posted on by Posted in transgender, transition, Traveling/Work, vegan stuff .

One of the nice side effects of teaching at home is that I tend to not spend as much financially. I just can’t go out to the store and buy things. I just don’t see the “things” out there. But one down side is that I tend to become a bit of a home body and my body tends to become a specific shape (round). I remember when I used to bike to and from work a few years ago. I was able to keep my weight down without being super skinny. I actually liked being “stocky” and was ok with being a few pounds overweight (for my height I’m supposed to be about 110-125 lbs — I really am big boned and find I look best around 140-150) but didn’t want to be obese. A side effect of traveling is the food that often ends up being eaten, even if a vegan (e.g., fries and the like). I’ve been a horrible vegan and have done a few slips over the last few months.

I don’t know why (perhaps it’s the T kicking in more) but my cravings for salt have gone to huge cravings for dead things. While it’s been mostly fish (I suspect due to heritage and early childhood experiences) I’m afraid of a slippery slope effect. I need to get back on track. My schedule for Oct/Nov/Dec has too much of a mixture for me to focus long enough on getting back into shape. But starting January I’ll be home, if my schedule sticks, for 3 months (except for one week in Toronto) starting usually at 9am CST (that’s 10am for me) with an occasional 8am CST start (9am for me). I figured if I could find a gym close enough that was open early enough it might be an option for me to go early in the morning (say 5-6am to beat the business rush). I know enough about fitness and training that I should be able to do this on my own — it’s just will power and consistency. Because I will have 3 months where I could get into a rhythm and turn it from an occasional thing into a more permanent activity and habit this could prove well at helping me lose some weight before we move out west. It would also help for when I get ready to have surgery (weight loss for larger sized FTMs is often a pre-requisite).

Now, while I have great idears reality may slap me in the face. I found one gym that is 24 hours M-F and has early hours on Sat/Sun. The one challenge will be, of course, the change rooms. It’ll be winter so I can’t really just dress in gym clothes, work out and leave. Most gyms I know won’t allow people to keep their bags/jackets near them when they work out and lockers are often inside the change room area. I doubt that this gym will be “trans friendly” but who knows. I may luck out. I just have this feeling that I won’t be able to use it in the winter or I will have to come dress in my gear and have minimal ID/cash on me. I’m still trying to figure out how best I could do this. Have any other trans individuals dealt with this?

More than just the “M”

Posted on by Posted in transgender, transition .

Jacky recently commented on why he (is that the pronoun you use, Jacky?) won’t change his gender from F to M. I’m of a similar mind. Part of me wants to make that change, I’ll admit, but mostly for purely selfish reasons: the US doesn’t allow for same-sex marriage and, as a result, I wouldn’t be able to use it as part of a submission to get a green card (nevermind that Ontario requires surgery to be done to reflect gender and then letters from surgeons to indicate that it’s been done). If I had the necessary surgery(ies) and got this done, then the next step would be far easier. Unfortunately, it’s not and I haven’t but I also really don’t want to. The reality is that who I was is part of who I am.

As I noted on Jacky’s blog, I’ve used to say that I was a quantum genderqueer: that is, each gender, both genders, neither gender all at the same time (think of a certain dying cat in a box). I do believe that by recognizing where my past was and paying respect to that helps me to continue and grow. And also keep me in check. While K often insists that sometimes I’m “such a guy”, I try to be aware of the things (read: white male privilege) that I obtained by transitioning. Pretending that the previous 37+ years of my “previous” self didn’t exist does an injustice to myself. It’s a shame that even in some parts of the trans-world, at least from my view, there still remains this clinging towards a gender binary — you are either FTM to become Male or MTF to become Female. And there are to be no other considerations. Often associated with this is “passing”: that ability for everyone to read you as per your physical birth gender marker.

WMP was and is the one thing that still bothers me. I’m acutely aware of what I’ve obtained and notice it far more in the US than in Canada (do not get me wrong — Canada has it; we just silently hide it in “multicultural” programs and the like). I often think about the reviews that students give me and wonder how many of those were improved since I’ve started being read as male — particularly a young (?) “fluffy” white male — trainer than compared to when I was being read as female — an older (?) “fat” white female. I have no doubts that I tend to get more 5/5 now than before (not that the reviews were bad but that I probably got more 4/5s previously). I have yet to be challenged for being strict and direct in my teaching (previously, I’ve been challenged and threatened for daring to potentially fail someone — Uh, clue-by-four: if you don’t do the work, you ain’t passing!).

And those that do figure out that I’m transitioning don’t seem to dock me for that either — a stark comparison if it was the other way around (i.e., if I was MTF). Let’s be real here: society expects someone to want privilege, to want to have that extra, better treatment. Thing is: it’s not me. I feel uncomfortable with it and about it. I would rather let others go ahead of me where possible (but I’ll be real in that I won’t let the whole world go in front of me when I chase down one of the 31 flavours); I don’t mind waiting in line and giving someone else their extra due. But I do think that we all do need to be treated like human beings and be respected by each other for what makes us both the same and different. Remember who I was reminds me of who I want to be.

Southern Comfort Documentary (2001)

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I’ve been absent from my support group of late. A lot of it is because of work. The reality is that there is only so much time in a day and teaching, often, in the CST timezone means that I often don’t finish until 6pm EDT. Sometimes I’m on the road.  Since it takes an hour to get to group it means I often miss out on attending. It’s hard at times since the group is often the closest thing to an extended, closer-to-touch family. I do miss it. One of the things I’ve wanted is a large family to be around. I’ve known a large part of my life alone. Having that option where I could invite friends over, have a beer and a cigar, yap, laugh, etc. is something I’ve wanted. Having siblings of some sort, with some kind of shared experience of life, is the other thing I’ve wanted.

Today, as I avoided doing some work, I watched Southern Comfort (2001). It was a wonderful DVD in that it showed the great family connection that Robert Eads and his “sons” made but heartbreaking and maddeningly baffling that the health care system so blatantly ignored the basic raison d’etre for health care: to look after those that need medical help. I have to say that I’m incredibly luckier than most at the support that I’ve gotten from the medical profession here in NYC. As much as I want to move to small town, parts of me worry about the exact issue that Mr. Eads experienced during his lifetime. To die of a curable cancer because no one would treat you is just wrong. My post this morning was about universal health care and whether it could exist here. I have doubts since patient’s rights are not something that seem to be considered.

To keep the good of the patient as the highest priority. — Modern Hippocratic Oath #7

Since so many doctors are taught to put the value of medicine before the needs of the patient, even if universal health care came to be many patients will be ignored because they do not fit into the societal definition of male or woman. I’m not sure how denying someone medical help because they are trans is ensuring that the “good of the patient” is being kept as a priority compared to one’s own fears, prejudices and ignorance. And before someone says that it was perhaps the medical profession was unable to do it, when they called they referenced the trans portion at the end. Until those words were mentioned, the medical professions were eager to help. As to the reasoning as to why they refused to help isn’t clear. It could be anything from fear to ignorance to just place hatred?

I’m sure a lot has changed since this video was made, especially since the Southern Comfort Conference is held in Georgia. But I’m sure there are still areas and medical centers that still discriminate against trans individuals. I wonder how much this is changing with the more visible younger trans guys that are more evident these days? Hopefully, the economy isn’t used as an excuse to prevent an individual from getting support these days. One can only hope that one day health care will be about providing patients with the best possible care, regardless of who the patient is.

Another year has passed.

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, transgender, transition .

It’s been a busy week or so for me and an interesting one. Last week, because I wanted to do a beta version of a certification, I was studying like mad in addition to teaching our new course in front of students. My average day just for the teaching, not including travel time, was nothing less than 10 hours. Add to that a round-trip total of 3 hours on the subway and then another 3-5 hours each night studying and the week was 80+ hours of “work”. Anyways, I wrote the certification yesterday and am waiting for the results. I’m hopeful that I passed because then I won’t have to recertify (which means writing the regular exam and getting 85% on it). It was a quiet week at home for me since K was in Los Angeles and Bobcat lost her voice (I suspect she was meowing all day trying to find someone and couldn’t). While I like my little moments of bachelorhood, I prefer it when K is around. More laughter and dreaming happens.

Anyways, back to last week. So this was the first week I was teaching at our NYC facility and doing so, out to the staff, as an FTM. I didn’t tell my students since it’s not a really a requirement nor is it really their business. If someone had asked, I’d certainly say that I am trans and such but since it wasn’t relevant, I left it. I used the men’s washroom but usually when empty (as it happened it was a light load of students this week at the facility so it was easier for me). What was interesting was how I was read. Since I haven’t had top surgery yet I worry about how I present still but I was completely read as to how I view myself. It’s amazing how far I’ve come in a year (July 24 happens to be my year anniversary on T).  The reviews on my teaching came back good and the references were entirely “he”. This was good and I had to chuckle as one student, his transphobia showing a bit, went on a rant about being “felt up” while on the subway. He said he wouldn’t have mind if it was a women but if it was a guy or a trans women, well!

I have doubts that he was “felt up” and that it was more a question of people shifting when the subway is packed (Toronto has nothing on NYC when it comes to packed subways, let me tell you). I didn’t laugh and the look on my face must have been enough to shut him up because he didn’t mention it again except for one last comment that he could identify a trans person easily. I froze at this. Based on his demeanour and claimed history, he sounds like a guy who uses action first and then — maybe — thinks about it. He claims to have “family” ties back to Europe. But he read me as I a guy and didn’t clue in. He didn’t say anything further. A person’s prejudice is their own thing and as long as he stopped it in the classroom, then all was good (which he did — amazing how one doesn’t have to speak to get a point across). I had thought about writing about this yesterday but was restless and I couldn’t figure out why — until both my aunts reminded me.

17 years ago yesterday my mom was murdered. The guy who did it is now free and out there. Last I heard he had cancer and I have no doubts that he never accepted responsibility for what he did. Up until his release he was convinced it was my mom’s fault that this happened. Now, she was never the easiest woman to live with but blaming her for his actions.. well. A real man takes responsibility for what he’s done, even if it was a really horrible mistake. And that action was. It was that action that put my life onto this path, for good or bad. I may have still ended up on this path if it had never happened but how different life might have been. I remember it took a long time for the guilt and anger to subside. I still look for those little moments I try to remember where we were happy — usually holidays at my aunt’s house. I know I was blessed to have so many aunts and uncles to turn to. I know that they may not fully understand this process or path I’m on but they do love me, support me and know I’m happy.

And really, when I look back, the one thing I wanted in life was love. And yet, I never realized I had it at times. I know now. The transition of body is, I believe I’ve said somewhere, the easy part. It’s the transition of mind and soul that is the challenge. Learning to love one’s self when the world feels against you and has been against your true self can, at times, make you doubt your sanity or path that life gives you. But ultimately, it is about finding one’s own true happiness.

Who’d thunk I’d found that in this lifetime?

It’s not just a really big show

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I recently read Véronique’s blog where she discusses an article by the Catholic Exchange where ENDA would legal protections against discrimination based on gender identity . In a nutshell, they say that trans individuals are deceivers, particularly focusing on MTFs, because they (transsexuals) are those “who reject the sex they were born with and want to be publicly accepted as the other sex” and want protections as well as additional consideration for hate crimes against trans individuals. As I read the article and a few of the comments, I thought to my blog entry to yesterday. So I thought about the discussion and some of the premises that it was based on. It was based on the fear that it would allow men in women’s dresses to go into women’s changing rooms and restrooms. I was surprised they didn’t use the “rape and pedophile argument” that is often used in this case. The whole thing is based on the idea that it’s a deliberate attempt to deceiver others, society and themselves. And that it’s being encouraged by the mass media and medical professions.

“We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

The more I thought about it,the more I was puzzled by items in the article. So began taking it apart, starting with the word “deception”. This is an old word from the 1400-1500s and is defined, by dictionary.reference.com, as a noun, to be either ” 1.the act of deceiving; the state of being deceived.” or  “2.something that deceives or is intended to deceive; fraud; artifice”.  Ok. I can live with that definition. But who’s being deceived? They claim the public is being deceived by the media and activits; the individual themselves are self-deceiving both themselves and others; and that the media and medical profession is deceiving trans individuals into believing that they must do this. Hrmm.

So, my own thoughts from when I was younger — before gender mattered to me — about seeing myself as male was a self-deception? And which is worse: self deception or perceived deception of society? Honestly, if no one knows my gender, does it matter? If it doesn’t matter why are people being killed over it? (Well, they did say that it was understandable to have this reaction because of the fact that one has “deceived” the other person of their “true” DNA). By their logic, I should spend the rest of my life in a gender that never fit, that’s not comfortable and caused me more personal grief over the course of my lifetime. It is almost as if they are saying that the person attacking is the victim, not the person being attacked.

But part of the premise that they are forwarding is a belief that there is a deliberate attempt by a trans individual to “deceive”. And what they do not understand or perhaps, may not be able to comprehend is that this isn’t a choice to do an action. For me, deception involves a deliberate intention to commit fraud to someone else and that we are aware that it is a fraud. And (yes, I’m generalizing but take a leap with me, please) I suspect that many trans individuals, like myself, don’t view transition or being trans as a fraud but rather that we’re finally being authentic as was given to us. A born-again Christian once said to me that while he didn’t understand my path he did admit that he felt that God had put many challenges before me. And he’s right (whether it is God, Allah, some other deity or none my life has been filled with a variety of challenges). I had always wondered why others were happy with life and how could I get in on that. I tried all sorts of things — things that often made me feel uncomfortable and made me feel like a sham, a fraud.

You should not live one way in private, another in public.  — Publilius Syrus (Latin writer of maxims, 45BC-1BC)

Apparently for those that believe the way that the Catholic Exchange do I should live my life as a sham than as my true self because society might have issue with it. I look back at the past and how Jesus or Buddha wer defined (I use Jesus as a reference since it’s a person that a Catholic could identify with; please be assured I am no way near the compassionate man he or someone like the Buddha was) during their times on the planet. Both men were viewed with fear, revulsion and misunderstanding until people took the time to learn about them and what they were talking about. Both had little desire to cater to the wealth and helped those that needed the most help. They remained true to themselves as beings rather than living up to the desire to fit into a specific view of things: one was the son of a carpenter (and probably likely to inherit that role) while the other a king and believed to inherit riches beyond imagination at the time. Society would have been happy with that but they “bucked” the trend and went with what they felt was the true nature of themselves.

If others choose to believe that someone like me deliberately attempts to deceive them, the one suggestion I have: this ain’t about you. It’s about me and what fits for me. I’ll let you know what you need to know when it’s relevant. There are a lot of things about me that others don’t need to know (although I do talk a lot here about what seems like everything) but there are some things that are on a need-to-know basis or will be on that basis.

June is Pride Month

Posted on by Posted in Buddhism, trans activism, transgender .

It is something that I’ve mentioned before but is worthwhile mentioning again: trans history is often almost non-existent. It’s not that it doesn’t exist but that few people remember it, know about it or care to know about it. Recently in the Dallas Voice they did cover it. I’ve included a snippet of the article below. Keep in mind that trans history goes farther back than this. In fact, Buddha allowed for transgendered “males to be ordain and live as nuns and transgendered females to ordain and live with monks”.  Most of the information is piecemeal and all over the place. Perhaps one day it can be centralized in one location or published in a book about the history of trans individuals worldwide. Quite often, however, it is more recent times where transgendered/transsexual has become politicized and a request for explicit rights and protections has been asked. Hopefully, one day, too, this will be a wonderful part of history.

1969
On Saturday, June 28, the Stonewall Inn, a Mafia-run gay bar in Greenwich Village, is raided by police officers arresting gender nonconforming patrons and workers, hauling them off in paddy wagons. Though reports vary, transgender individuals such as Sylvia Rivera have been cited as among the first to resist police harassment.

This same year,  Stanley Biber performs his first sex change operation and his practice in Trinidad, Colo., later becomes known as the “Sex Change Capital of the World.”

1970
Angela Douglas leaves the Gay Liberation Front, established in response to Stonewall, on grounds of anti-transgender sentiment and forms TAO (Transsexual Activist Organization), the first international grassroots transgender organization.

1971
Transgender woman Paula Grossman, a music teacher at Cedar Hill Elementary School in Basking Ridge, N.J., is fired on the grounds she was “an impairment of the school system.”  Grossman lost her case at the N.J. state and federal levels and was denied a U.S. Supreme Court appeal.

1972
Transgender woman and lesbian singer Beth Elliot is ousted from the Daughters of Bilitis, the first lesbian rights organization in the U.S., on the grounds she wasn’t “really a woman,” causing a schism in the organization. Elliot, though, is embraced by a two-thirds majority of lesbians at the 1973 Westcoast Lesbian Feminist Conference and allowed to musically perform.

1973
Love it or hate it, the world is introduced to Dr. Frank N. Furter, the self-identified “sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania,” in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” originally a British stage musical.

1974
British historian and transgender woman Jan Morris publishes her transitional memoir “Conundrum,” and is later named by The Times as one of Britain’s top 15 writers since The War.

1975
Fantasia Fair makes its debut in P-town and has today become the longest-running annual transgender event.

Read more here.

Happiness Can Only Exist in Acceptance .. but whose?

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

So this week I’m in Dallas. It’s been a decent week albeit hot. And I don’t just mean warm, I mean so hot an egg could fry on the pavement if you put it there. The food culture here is also challenging. The deep-frying of everything can be a bit much (although, if I wasn’t vegan, I’d try the deep fried Snickers; maybe if they could deep fry an oreo for me or something). I did have deep fried corn on the cob (!!?!). It did seal in the juicyness of the cob but there was nothing more to it than that. Food aside, it’s been both a good week and a bit depressing. It’s good in that I’m rock star as I teach. The students seem to be enjoying it and staying awake (heat be damned). This is always good and getting lots of questions, even in a small class, has been good. I’ve been “Ma’am” and “she’d” a little more than I’d like, however. It’s weird after going for weeks on end where I get “sir”, “mister”, etc. to be given the other gender like that. It’s almost a slap in the face as to what I do not feel comfortable in.

This is a stark contrast to last week when I felt like I was on top of the world. The variety of activities that ensued to make life seem far more exciting and safe than they do this week. I’m actually kind of concerned, given that I’m in Texas — relatively conservative compared to other places, about how others may be reacting to me and how my presence in certain areas (e.g., washroom and such) may heighten the risk to my personal safety. My students seem ok but it’s really everyone else that I have to deal with that worries me. The looks I get (and ignore for the most part) have me wondering if someone is going to try something. For all of my life I’ve never been worried about my safety until now. The more I experience this the more I want some basic surgeries to address what is still left to address.

This week has seen a continuance of the discussion of Chaz’ decision to transition. It is great in one way to have such a public figure transition but in others, it may open up more of a challenge for other trans individuals. We’ll be expected to be as open and public about our process. For me it’s not an issue but for others it may be. They  may have more of a private life that they do not want to be shared nor do they want that expectation to be shared looming over them. Additionally, Chaz startdoom is a benefit to him, even if it’s inherited. He’ll likely be treated better than the average trans individual. This will be true, IMO, on a face-to-face basis. When one is viewed from a distance a whole variety of other factors will come into play, particularly anonymity. The responses by the general public has been less than positive. If anything they have been worse than what I’ve seen against other trans individuals.

In some ways it would be nice to let the public see how a transition is and what it’s like to face discrimination, particularly when people don’t understand the reasoning behind transitioning. It’s not about what’s in society; it’s not about wanting privilege; it’s not about trying to fit in with what society accepts. It is about what is acceptable to the self and how a person views the self in regards to others. I understand why others cannot see the world as I see it and why I have this need or this coercive soul-binding draw to do what I must just as much as I cannot understand what it’s like to not have that in place. The important thing is to remember that not all of us walk the same path. Whether you call it God, Fate or just what life is we each have our own path put before us. Degrading and demeaning one of us affects us all.

As much as I would like to be accepted by society I know that will not be the answer to my ultimate soul happiness. For that, I have to accept myself as is. And try as I might, the view of what I am is very different than what I was born with (just the external parts — inside, there is a lot I like although I’m constantly improving and updating). Shouldn’t that be what our lives are about? Experiencing, learning, growing??

iReport: Does this make me famous?

Posted on by Posted in Politics, trans activism, transgender, transition .

So I did an iReport here and am shocked as to how many people have looked (last count was in the 1,700s!). And from reading some of the responses to the other iReports, many have been positive (although, like any there are those that aren’t so positive about trans individuals). Whee! I think I might do a full response to one report later today or tomorrow. Now, to do some work stuff.

Video Blog Entry for June 12, 2009