A Life about Transition

Sometimes I’m right, but I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the baker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in

I am everyday people
Yeah, yeah

There is a blue one who can’t accept the green one
For living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on, and so on and scooby-dooby-doo

Ah yes. Sly and the Family Stone. As I was riding the elevator up to the apartment with freshly cleaned clothes I heard this classic in the background. It seemed apropos since we’ll be heading out to Halifax tomorrow for my aunt’s wedding. It’s all fun but also a bit nerve-racking. I know my aunt will be swamped and pre-occupied with the wedding. We’re heading out early to help out where we can and to also let K get a chance to actually see Halifax in person rather than from the backseat of a car. It’ll be interesting.

We went downtown to get me a suit for the wedding and went to the Wall Street area Men’s Warehouse. While the cost, in the end, wasn’t as frugal as I wanted it to be I did get two suits — one for summer and one for fallish-winter — for the price of one with alterations. I suppose it’s an investment (I tend to be a jeans/shorts kind of guy). What was flattering was being sir’d all the way through it. I was treated like the most important person in the world (while he does the hard sell he was a classy salesguy). I think I’m starting to come to grip with the fact that I am passing. Part of me is “WOOHOO!” and part of me is stunned, as if to wonder — “When did that happen?”. Kinda like puberty sneaking up on you.

For most of my family it’ll be almost two years since I’ve seen them. It’ll be interesting to see the response. I know some might be surprised. More importantly, I’m hoping that they’ll see how happy I am. It’s weird to feel so consistently happy like I have since I began the transition and since K has been in my life. I keep expecting the other shoe to drop and something bad happen. What’s really nice is that we talk about the dreams we have and where we want to be. We both realize this is an evolving thing and it sometimes changes. We’ll probably move a couple of more times before we settle. I think one thing is for sure, wherever we finally put roots down we’ll have a good time along the way.

It’s interesting how I still have no desire to be stealth and yet.. Well, I am without trying. I haven’t found a situation where I’ve been threatened or challenged yet and I think the reason is that I’m neither threatening nor do I seemingly upset the balance of gender for others. Perhaps that’s why it’s harder to find FTM role models of the past and why people like Chaz are important as they transition. Although that said, we really don’t need celebrities to be our role models. I think what we need are more local individuals to be role models for those that are up-and-coming. I’ve always said that transitioning isn’t for everyone — and it really isn’t. This is a selfish thing that one has to decide to do to rectify whatever went wrong during conception that resulted in a brain-body mismatch. Some people learn to adjust while others cannot. Neither is bad nor horrible. They are each the paths we have to take. In the end.. we’re really just everyday people, eh?

I am everyday people

Did you know there’s a 5am?? Seriously. It exists. I’m actually surprised I can get up, go out and bike 10 miles at that hour but I can. And when I do, besides feeling great for the rest of the day, I actually do a lot of thinking, pondering and meditating. While most buddhists meditate on a cushion, I’ve always found — especially on longer rides — that I can better meditate when I’m a road somewhere lost than when I’m “sure” of where I am. It is hard to get up at 5am sometimes but I know I have to do it, even if I only go for 30 minutes. It’s better than not going.

This morning I was pondering a few things, the most prominent how society (yes, I know I’m generalizing; bare with me) has decided that we shouldn’t present our opinions. It’s almost as if we’re ashamed of admitting to our prejudices, opinions and such. K and I have been watching All in the Family lately and for all the misguided views of Archie I will say that he was rarely shy to admit his true feelings and views about things. We’ve become so concious of other people’s views that we almost are afraid of forming our own. And if someone challenges our opinion of something, rather than facing that challenge, we give up and walk away. I really have no problem with people not liking the path that I’m on. It’s their choice to accept it or not. As long as they respect me as a human being, that’s fine. I would rather have someone debate with me about an issue or view using some variation of logic than not have the discussion. It then remains the giant elephant in the room that no one dares discuss and that means no one learns anything.

Mike Stivic: You know, you are totally incomprehensible.
Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.

It’s not to say that being vulgar or abrasive is necessary, nor are ad hominem attack needed. But that discussions need to be done, even if we do not agree. I almost wonder if the true art of debate and intelligent discussion is gone. We’re so intent on our own view that we do not consider any other as potentially valid and allow others to voice their views. It is a two-way street for everyone. I don’t think it’s that impossible to open the door to discussion, even when others are set in their views and ways, to have a respectful discussion if we acknowledge that everyone has different experiences in life that both give us rosy views and jaded views. Language, specifically the English one, is a cumbersome method of communication at time. What appears neutral to one appears otherwise to others.

A recent discussion, which I’ll admit I’m not fully sure why there is an uproar over, has been over the use of “cis-” (as in, cisgender, cis-sexual, etc.) to describe natal-gender born individuals (e.g., natal men and natal women). Some natal individuals find the use of “cis-” offensive. It was suggested to me that non-trans would be a better term. While I’ll be respectful and not refer to a person that finds “cis-” offensive, I’m not fully clear as to why it’s offensive. It’s true ignorance on my part but I’ve been having difficulty as to finding the reasoning behind it. Is it because it’s a term that the trans community seems to use to describe those whose gender DNA matches their gender soul? Is it because it’s an academic term? Is it because it might (a guess on my part) make them feel less than special? I’m open to discussion as to the how and why this is an issue but I haven’t found anyone who is willing to discuss it.

I know that many people hate labels but we, as humans, often use words to describe others or identify people. Some nice (e.g., given names) and some not so nice (e.g., derogatory terms) labels exist. The challenge is learning which ones are acceptable. The reality is that it often ends up being a very personal thing as to what is acceptable and what isn’t. I think, often, it’s not an deliberate attempt to offend someone, particularly when written online in forums, blogs and such, to use what some perceive as “offensive labels”. It’s important to not only identify why it’s offensive to the reader but what terms you would prefer to use. Both the author and the reader are not representatives of the whole of their “community” but rather are representing themselves in society as a whole and their place in it. That distinction is important for everyone involved to remember.

I do not speak for all white Canadian (Acadian) trans men in the world but speak for just me and how I view the world from my view of being those labels. Others may disagree with me and I welcome that. But that respect for individualness in the world means respecting the individual first. I don’t know how to bring that kind of discussion back to online communities so that actual discussion and debate, IMO, could continue again. As long as those don’t happen, we cannot as a society, again IMO, move forward to evolve.

So I did an iReport here and am shocked as to how many people have looked (last count was in the 1,700s!). And from reading some of the responses to the other iReports, many have been positive (although, like any there are those that aren’t so positive about trans individuals). Whee! I think I might do a full response to one report later today or tomorrow. Now, to do some work stuff.

As I mentioned the other day, it’s important to remind people that you are appreciative in life. We may always think this but it’s helpful to let them know. Sometimes it’s little things but it’s those little things that sometimes make a difference:

- I am grateful for my job and that I enjoy it still.

- I love that I have flexibility and learn every time I teach

- while I’m not keen about being up so early in the morning, I do like being done earlier in the day.

- I’m grateful for those family and friends who accept me as I am so I can be myself

- I’m grateful for those family and friends who don’t accept me as I am but still love me anyways (to each their own, eh)

- I’m grateful for the love, understanding and joy that K and I have for each other and of each other.

- Tickle fights rawk!

- I am grateful for the life I have and the path I’m on

- I am grateful that I now look forward to a long life and all that I will experience in life

Life is good, eh?

This early morning stuff has got to stop. Seriously. To make it even more fun, I don’t have enough time to enjoy a nice cigar and will probably have to wait until the weekend (maybe Friday afternoon). I’m a bit disappointed as I have some new ones I can to really test out and perhaps do a review of. This weekend suggests lots of rain so it may be a perfect one for it (although a photo shoot I was to be at last weekend was pushed over to this one so I’ll have to venture out for one day at least).

So for now I’m limited to some nice coffee (for that morning perk) and a Rocky Patel Jr., Baccarat Connie or a Macanudo Ascot. My favourite remains the Rocky Patel Jr., featuring a nice dark maduro wrapper. It has a nice flavour to it, almost a deep, rich nutty or coffee flavour, and generally takes about 45 minutes to smoke (a bit longer than my walk from the subway to home but if the weather is ok, I can linger outside enjoying it). I know all the health risks that come with smoking and certainly am respectful of laws put into place but I have to say that I feel far more relaxed after a nice smoke, particularly when I can enjoy the whole cigar down to the nub, than I do otherwise.

Life is short enough as it is. We spend the majority of it working for ourselves or others in hopes of making enough to support family and dreams, sometimes spinning our wheels due to issues outside of our control. A little luxury now and then is hardly enough to worry. We need to enjoy life and remove more of our worries. George Burns, well known for his cigar smoking, smoked upwards of 10-to-15 cigars a day! And he was booked right up to his 100th birthday (he lived to be 100 plus a couple of months).

I’ve come to the conclusion that while food, alcohol and exercise are all factors the ultimate item that helps one’s longevity on this planet is happiness. And I think with the way my life has been shaping up lately, we’ll have to have the fire department on hand at some point to deal with all the candles on the birthday cake.

You know, I was once told that I’d probably want to be stealth at some point in my transition because.. well.. it’s too dangerous and can ensure you lose your job, friends and family. Thus far, it hasn’t happened (although, I haven’t fully come out at work — that will come soon I suspect). If anything, people have been supportive and have been understanding. I’m sure some might be thinking that my time thus far in the US has clouded my vision or brainwashed me into doing this. That isn’t the case. It was more a case of something else. Not quite ignorance was bliss but rather misery. Choosing this path isn’t easy nor cheap but it is making me happy so that’s good.

It’s hard to fathom when companies and government organizations deny transgender individuals positions or fire them after learning about their transgender status (like Diane Schroer or Susan Stanton or Julia Yoo). With these kinds of stories, it’s not surprising how many transgendered individuals go stealth and why. Most, as far as I know, want nothing more than to have a family, be part of the community, make a difference and work for a living (unless a lottery win comes in). There is nothing different about these people other than they have taken the opportunity to present their true selves to the world. They are still able to do the job that they have done or want to do much like they have would otherwise.

But perhaps what holds us back is the fact that we have gone stealth and because of that, have made the idea of transgenderism to be a taboo thought rather than part of life. Society is being built on FUD — fear, uncertainty and doubt. People want re-assurances that life is ok and that life is good. Unfortunately, the media feeds heavily into their fear of the unknown and they assume that anything unknown must therefore be bad. So let’s address some of the myths:

1. All transgendered individuals, particularly MTFs, are pedophiles. *BUZZ* wrong. Most pedophiles are male and only 3% of all attackers are strangers. The rest of known. MTFs are WOMEN. PERIOD. (Facts obtained from here). Transgendered individuals are not “sick” or “sex crazed” or whatever misconception the media puts forth. Many are trying to ensure that how they view themselves is seen by the rest of the world. It’s interesting that when someone, particularly white, upper class, celebrity type, gets surgery done to alter one body part or another it’s considered a great thing. Quite often this is done for nothing more than money and media attention. A transgendered person is doing it for their well-being.

2. How will I deal with washroom issues? Uh.. not YOUR problem. Similar to point 1 (and again, it seems to be mostly MTFs that have to deal with this kind of hatred), it’s fear being used. Just like you a transgendered person sometimes just has to GO, ya know? This problem would be solved if there was more unisex or non-gendered washrooms available. I mean, at your house, do you separate out male and female washrooms? It won’t be the cisgendered person that will face an attack but the transgendered person because he or she is different. Because the media has again built up a fear for women about things different society freaks out at this particular issue.

3. You’re different now! Not quite. While the physical appearance has and is changing, the core of the person is still there. What made them funny, great, intelligent, loving, etc. is all still there. What will change is how YOU react to the transgendered individual as they become their gender. The challenge with this is that we do have preconceived notions as to what is male and female (and even moreso when we include things like religion, culture, race, etc.). If we could let go of those just a little bit it may not be as bad.

4. Ewww! Why would you do that and become a freak? I do believe that many of my MTF sisters are getting hit harder with the hatred and discrimination than my FTM brothers and there is a reason that was suggested to me a while ago that does make sense. Women are viewed as “weaker” and “less desirable” in the societal sense. So the question becomes “why would someone want to become a woman” and lose privilege. It’s understandable for an FTM because they will gain privilege (but only if white — if black or other POC they will lose privilege and likely be targeted more). This isn’t about becoming a freak but rather becoming whole and human.

So that all said, perhaps it’s time we stopped being quiet and let people know. It is a hard enough challenge to transition but perhaps we have to take on just one more challenge and get society to change with us. Until we show people all of who we are — and that there is far more to us than a pretty or handsome face — society will continue to believe the FUD that comes with being transgendered. I, for one, won’t be silent. To help me through the worst I remind myself of a quote from The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D.:

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.* It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult–once we truly understand and accept it–then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

[*The first of the 'Four Noble Truths' which Buddha taught was 'Life is suffering.']

Maybe it isn’t that hard after all, eh?

Ok. Not that serious of a wound but sticking oneself with a needle ain’t fun. For a transgendered person, however, it’s a necessity for life if you don’t want to do regular visits to the doctor more than you have to (especially in the US where you’re dinged for every little thing). For someone like me, who’s on the road a lot, being able to self-inflict.. errr.. self-administer shots is critical. Here are a few things NOT to do after injection:

1. Leg lunges. I do my shots in my quads, one of the larger muscles out there.  Contracting and relaxing the muscle with additional weights ain’t fun.

2. Sitting for long periods. Particularly true for those that get “rear-ended” for their shots. A World of Warcraft binge may not be a good thing. Neither would a long spanking session with your Dom/Master (then again, it might still be a good thing).

3. Furrkids or kids on laps. While it’s great to play “horsey” it’s gonna hurt. Bobcat ain’t no spring chicken, ya know??

4. Avoid sleeping on the side that the shot was given on. I tend to sleep on my side and, unfortunately, I did my most recent shot on my left side, which I tend to sleep on. Some ice has helped but avoiding pressure on it will ensure I can sleep through the night.

The standard stuff to reduce pain, in general, is:

- before actually doing the shot, find a distraction. Watch TV, listen the radio, etc. This may not be the best when you’re first starting out but as you become used to the procedure it may be one way to not make it so.

- after the shot, a cold compress should address any swelling

- simple movements like a nice, leisurely walk can help keep blood flowing and let your body heal on it’s own

- exercise regularly, especially for FTMs where the shot is intramuscular. While spot exercising shouldn’t be the main way you exercise, it can be used to strengthen the muscle you will be injecting (I find that my right leg has less pain than my left and, not surprisingly, it is the stronger of the two).

Just because this has to be part of our lives doesn’t mean it has to ruin it. We have the ultimate joy of building ourselves the way we want to. It just can be a little painful along the way — and perhaps we need to grin and bear it. And mumble a little “OUCH!” now and again.