Going beyond transition

Tag Archives: MTF

More than just the “M”

Posted on by Posted in transgender, transition .

Jacky recently commented on why he (is that the pronoun you use, Jacky?) won’t change his gender from F to M. I’m of a similar mind. Part of me wants to make that change, I’ll admit, but mostly for purely selfish reasons: the US doesn’t allow for same-sex marriage and, as a result, I wouldn’t be able to use it as part of a submission to get a green card (nevermind that Ontario requires surgery to be done to reflect gender and then letters from surgeons to indicate that it’s been done). If I had the necessary surgery(ies) and got this done, then the next step would be far easier. Unfortunately, it’s not and I haven’t but I also really don’t want to. The reality is that who I was is part of who I am.

As I noted on Jacky’s blog, I’ve used to say that I was a quantum genderqueer: that is, each gender, both genders, neither gender all at the same time (think of a certain dying cat in a box). I do believe that by recognizing where my past was and paying respect to that helps me to continue and grow. And also keep me in check. While K often insists that sometimes I’m “such a guy”, I try to be aware of the things (read: white male privilege) that I obtained by transitioning. Pretending that the previous 37+ years of my “previous” self didn’t exist does an injustice to myself. It’s a shame that even in some parts of the trans-world, at least from my view, there still remains this clinging towards a gender binary — you are either FTM to become Male or MTF to become Female. And there are to be no other considerations. Often associated with this is “passing”: that ability for everyone to read you as per your physical birth gender marker.

WMP was and is the one thing that still bothers me. I’m acutely aware of what I’ve obtained and notice it far more in the US than in Canada (do not get me wrong — Canada has it; we just silently hide it in “multicultural” programs and the like). I often think about the reviews that students give me and wonder how many of those were improved since I’ve started being read as male — particularly a young (?) “fluffy” white male — trainer than compared to when I was being read as female — an older (?) “fat” white female. I have no doubts that I tend to get more 5/5 now than before (not that the reviews were bad but that I probably got more 4/5s previously). I have yet to be challenged for being strict and direct in my teaching (previously, I’ve been challenged and threatened for daring to potentially fail someone — Uh, clue-by-four: if you don’t do the work, you ain’t passing!).

And those that do figure out that I’m transitioning don’t seem to dock me for that either — a stark comparison if it was the other way around (i.e., if I was MTF). Let’s be real here: society expects someone to want privilege, to want to have that extra, better treatment. Thing is: it’s not me. I feel uncomfortable with it and about it. I would rather let others go ahead of me where possible (but I’ll be real in that I won’t let the whole world go in front of me when I chase down one of the 31 flavours); I don’t mind waiting in line and giving someone else their extra due. But I do think that we all do need to be treated like human beings and be respected by each other for what makes us both the same and different. Remember who I was reminds me of who I want to be.

Southern Comfort Documentary (2001)

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I’ve been absent from my support group of late. A lot of it is because of work. The reality is that there is only so much time in a day and teaching, often, in the CST timezone means that I often don’t finish until 6pm EDT. Sometimes I’m on the road.  Since it takes an hour to get to group it means I often miss out on attending. It’s hard at times since the group is often the closest thing to an extended, closer-to-touch family. I do miss it. One of the things I’ve wanted is a large family to be around. I’ve known a large part of my life alone. Having that option where I could invite friends over, have a beer and a cigar, yap, laugh, etc. is something I’ve wanted. Having siblings of some sort, with some kind of shared experience of life, is the other thing I’ve wanted.

Today, as I avoided doing some work, I watched Southern Comfort (2001). It was a wonderful DVD in that it showed the great family connection that Robert Eads and his “sons” made but heartbreaking and maddeningly baffling that the health care system so blatantly ignored the basic raison d’etre for health care: to look after those that need medical help. I have to say that I’m incredibly luckier than most at the support that I’ve gotten from the medical profession here in NYC. As much as I want to move to small town, parts of me worry about the exact issue that Mr. Eads experienced during his lifetime. To die of a curable cancer because no one would treat you is just wrong. My post this morning was about universal health care and whether it could exist here. I have doubts since patient’s rights are not something that seem to be considered.

To keep the good of the patient as the highest priority. — Modern Hippocratic Oath #7

Since so many doctors are taught to put the value of medicine before the needs of the patient, even if universal health care came to be many patients will be ignored because they do not fit into the societal definition of male or woman. I’m not sure how denying someone medical help because they are trans is ensuring that the “good of the patient” is being kept as a priority compared to one’s own fears, prejudices and ignorance. And before someone says that it was perhaps the medical profession was unable to do it, when they called they referenced the trans portion at the end. Until those words were mentioned, the medical professions were eager to help. As to the reasoning as to why they refused to help isn’t clear. It could be anything from fear to ignorance to just place hatred?

I’m sure a lot has changed since this video was made, especially since the Southern Comfort Conference is held in Georgia. But I’m sure there are still areas and medical centers that still discriminate against trans individuals. I wonder how much this is changing with the more visible younger trans guys that are more evident these days? Hopefully, the economy isn’t used as an excuse to prevent an individual from getting support these days. One can only hope that one day health care will be about providing patients with the best possible care, regardless of who the patient is.

It’s not just a really big show

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I recently read Véronique’s blog where she discusses an article by the Catholic Exchange where ENDA would legal protections against discrimination based on gender identity . In a nutshell, they say that trans individuals are deceivers, particularly focusing on MTFs, because they (transsexuals) are those “who reject the sex they were born with and want to be publicly accepted as the other sex” and want protections as well as additional consideration for hate crimes against trans individuals. As I read the article and a few of the comments, I thought to my blog entry to yesterday. So I thought about the discussion and some of the premises that it was based on. It was based on the fear that it would allow men in women’s dresses to go into women’s changing rooms and restrooms. I was surprised they didn’t use the “rape and pedophile argument” that is often used in this case. The whole thing is based on the idea that it’s a deliberate attempt to deceiver others, society and themselves. And that it’s being encouraged by the mass media and medical professions.

“We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

The more I thought about it,the more I was puzzled by items in the article. So began taking it apart, starting with the word “deception”. This is an old word from the 1400-1500s and is defined, by dictionary.reference.com, as a noun, to be either ” 1.the act of deceiving; the state of being deceived.” or  “2.something that deceives or is intended to deceive; fraud; artifice”.  Ok. I can live with that definition. But who’s being deceived? They claim the public is being deceived by the media and activits; the individual themselves are self-deceiving both themselves and others; and that the media and medical profession is deceiving trans individuals into believing that they must do this. Hrmm.

So, my own thoughts from when I was younger — before gender mattered to me — about seeing myself as male was a self-deception? And which is worse: self deception or perceived deception of society? Honestly, if no one knows my gender, does it matter? If it doesn’t matter why are people being killed over it? (Well, they did say that it was understandable to have this reaction because of the fact that one has “deceived” the other person of their “true” DNA). By their logic, I should spend the rest of my life in a gender that never fit, that’s not comfortable and caused me more personal grief over the course of my lifetime. It is almost as if they are saying that the person attacking is the victim, not the person being attacked.

But part of the premise that they are forwarding is a belief that there is a deliberate attempt by a trans individual to “deceive”. And what they do not understand or perhaps, may not be able to comprehend is that this isn’t a choice to do an action. For me, deception involves a deliberate intention to commit fraud to someone else and that we are aware that it is a fraud. And (yes, I’m generalizing but take a leap with me, please) I suspect that many trans individuals, like myself, don’t view transition or being trans as a fraud but rather that we’re finally being authentic as was given to us. A born-again Christian once said to me that while he didn’t understand my path he did admit that he felt that God had put many challenges before me. And he’s right (whether it is God, Allah, some other deity or none my life has been filled with a variety of challenges). I had always wondered why others were happy with life and how could I get in on that. I tried all sorts of things — things that often made me feel uncomfortable and made me feel like a sham, a fraud.

You should not live one way in private, another in public.  — Publilius Syrus (Latin writer of maxims, 45BC-1BC)

Apparently for those that believe the way that the Catholic Exchange do I should live my life as a sham than as my true self because society might have issue with it. I look back at the past and how Jesus or Buddha wer defined (I use Jesus as a reference since it’s a person that a Catholic could identify with; please be assured I am no way near the compassionate man he or someone like the Buddha was) during their times on the planet. Both men were viewed with fear, revulsion and misunderstanding until people took the time to learn about them and what they were talking about. Both had little desire to cater to the wealth and helped those that needed the most help. They remained true to themselves as beings rather than living up to the desire to fit into a specific view of things: one was the son of a carpenter (and probably likely to inherit that role) while the other a king and believed to inherit riches beyond imagination at the time. Society would have been happy with that but they “bucked” the trend and went with what they felt was the true nature of themselves.

If others choose to believe that someone like me deliberately attempts to deceive them, the one suggestion I have: this ain’t about you. It’s about me and what fits for me. I’ll let you know what you need to know when it’s relevant. There are a lot of things about me that others don’t need to know (although I do talk a lot here about what seems like everything) but there are some things that are on a need-to-know basis or will be on that basis.

Trans Thoughts: The Battles Within the T Community

Posted on by Posted in trans activism, transgender, transition .

Going back to Ottawa last week was great in some respects, in others, not so much. I have to admit grinning internally as I’d listen to students 2nd guess my gender when they’d discuss things amongst themselves. And I got braver about using the right washroom. The biggest challenge will come next week when I’m with colleagues. Everything will be in the hotel so that will make things easier but it will still be interesting. It does press the need for my name change, to officially come out to colleagues and to move forward with necessary surgery (the heat this weekend highlighted the need for top surgery — just sweat with so many layers on trying to hide things).

All-in-all I will admit to being very lucky. Transmen really do have it easier compared to our trans sisters. And white trans individuals have more leeway than POC trans individuals. Lately, however, I’ve been reading on the internet about some of the hate-filled comments others have made about transwomen. What seems to be one of the most distressing ones is attacks from individuals that society might view as trans. Two sites I frequent recently erupted into battles over transsexual/transgender versus HBS.

Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace — Buddha

Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS) is the idea that the body was deformed at birth and thus surgical sexual reassignment surgery is needed to “cure” one self. Often it is linked to intersex disorders (intersex is a range of disorders that result in the genitals being ambigous; you can find out more here) but the thing to remember is that HBS is not intersex. And to date, HBS (sometimes referred to as “true transsexualism”) hasn’t been validated by peers or accepted by the APA/AMA. For me, this is important. For those that view themselves as having HBS, if it resolves what they feel it does within themselves, then that is good. I cannot view myself that way because it does deny where my past was, which is still something I want to honour as it is part of who made me the person I am.

One of the biggest challenges with HBS, in my opinion, is that there is a perceived view as to what makes a transsexual and how a transsexual should look. There is a huge desire that a transsexual look perfect and pass perfectly; anything less suggests not beng “true”.  Add to that a desire to not be associated with transgender (that is, gender different people who may be pre-op, no-op, etc.) as well as the LGBTQ community at large and it creates an unfortunate schism in the overall community. Granted that this is their choice, that is fine but often what has been happening is a deliberate attempt to go after those that choose another path that they are more comfortable with. I respect a person’s choice to transition or not; to view themselves as having HBS or not; to just be. Anything else would advocate that they should suffer in life and that goes against my desire to stop suffering as per my buddhist leanings. Maybe I do not fully understand all that they have experienced when they got to this point and something in their life has given them reason to hate (and, yes, I will use the word hate since that is what it’s like reading sometimes) those that do not adhere to HBS.

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.—Unknown

I can somewhat understand the cis-gendered butch’s hatred towards an FtM but there is a mythos that all FtMs were former butches and this is incorrect. This is akin to the idea that all MtFs were drag queens and flambouyant gay men. And while some go towards what society defines as male or female there are many that do not. None of these are incorrect thoughts. They are just different than what society expects, whether mainstream or within the LGBTQ society.  I do, however, have a hard time understanding the issues that are between the HBS and the overall trans community. I know that some of it is that for many HBS they do not see themselves as trans, if I understand what I’ve read about it correctly, and rather see themselves as per their gender but with a birth defect. And that’s fine.

I’m not advocating a “Kumbya” moment here but rather a respect of differences since each of us cannot walk along another’s path and remember that not all of us will fit or would want to fit Hollywood’s definition of “woman” or “man”. As a whole we need to avoid falling into the trap of judging by the cover of the individual. One would think that the recent sensation of Susan Boyle had, at the least, taught us that, no?

A victory from a tragedy.

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes .

Today there was a victory for a victim who some referred to as “IT”. She was not an “it”.

She was a friend to many.

She was a sister.

She was a daughter.

And she was a woman.

But most of all she was a human being who had the right to live and be a person recognized as the person she was.

Hopefully, this will bring to light the importance of ensuring trans individuals have the same rights as others, including the most basic: the right to live.

Hatred: Sometimes it is just blatant.

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ .

I got this via twitter and it seems rather relevant given this month’s poll. It is horrifying and revolting to see this kind of blatant discrimination, hatred and rudeness to be exhibited by people who should know better (aka ADULTS). I mean, come on. Since when did “take the head off the big motha fuckin faggot” mean professionalism? Even if you are working in an hourly position doesn’t mean that you should be rude to a person because they are different. It’s really not your place or anyone else’s to comment on that in the business world.

When you read this stuff it makes me wonder what kind of professionals are out there? Or are there any? I do know that I’ve been fairly lucky thus far to not have to deal with this but NO ONE should ever have to face this kind of discrimination and rudeness. Heck, let’s forget about even work professionalism; how about average, everyday common courtesy to treat people we don’t know with respect and politeness? Is it too much to ask??

Sigh.

I’ll update on this as more info comes. But do spread this. As a group that has long been in the back of others it is time for us to stand up united and face this head on as a group of our own.

Poll Results: Stay in the LGBTQ but..

Posted on by Posted in LGBTQ, Polls, trans activism, transgender, transition .

March’s poll results were interesting. 85% of you said that T should remain part of the GLBTQ family. This was what I had expected. It is a double-edge sword for most trans individuals. We need to be recognized and a few of us (not all) originally come from or end up going to a same-sex relationship. Much of the trans-movement came out of the the LGBTQ and vice-versa. Whether this will continue in the long term is hard to say. Days like International Transgender Day of Visibility are showing more and more that trans folk want to be heard and not ride on the “coat tails” of the LGB movement but rather stand on our own. I still believe that we benefit more, at this point, by being part of the larger voice but it’s frustrating when that voice demonizes us as well.

Certainly there is a distinction between sexual orientation and gender orientation but there is so much cross-over of the two that they really can’t be fully separated. It doesn’t mean that one should have preference over the other as far as rights are concerned. In reality, it should be about everyone’s right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”, whatever that may be. For most people, this is actually what happens. The problem is that the media and society only portray the worst of us rather than balancing things out (contrary to what Fox News claims, they are not the most balanced news out there). Learning to be open to all sides makes a difference, in my opinion, as to how wonderful life can be.

I was talking with a friend recently and we both commented on how people we expected would be more open are less so and vice-versa. It has been an interesting eye-opener for me. I’ve been taught, so to speak, from various “trans family” members that the whole of society is out to get us and doesn’t want us (for whatever reason). Part of this is why people go stealth (there are other reasons including — but not limited to — final transition to “true gender”). But it did make me wonder if perhaps I was being taught FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt) about cis-individuals when there really wasn’t an issue (I will state forthright that I am white and I suspect that some of this may be white privilege — I know from discussions with some POC trans individuals that their experience is different; it’s hard for me to speak to that experience as I haven’t experienced it and I dearly hope that they never have nor have to either experience it).

“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.” — Kurt Cobain

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a real risk out there. And nor does it mean that there isn’t, for the most part, an acceptance as to who you are even if you are trans. I come to the following conclusions (your opinion may vary from mine):

  1. we’ve come a long way in the last 40 years. Because of trans activists who put their lives on the line (literally) society is a little more “accepting” of trans individuals
  2. non-POC trans individuals and trans individuals with privilege get more acceptance than POC and/or non-privileged trans individuals
  3. “society” (generalist statement) sees the word “transsexual” and the following words come to mind: MTF, transvestite, pervert, pedophile, rapist, sissy (human being and/or person is never included)
  4. violence and discrimination against trans individuals still occurs but seems to occur more often due to class/race (doesn’t make it right; just means it’s the same shit being tossed at an “easier” target)
  5. there’s still a lot of work to be done

So to that end, I was pondering how to word April’s poll. I figured it might be best to split this in half. For April I want to ask how many trans individuals have actually faced direct discrimination (or indirect if you found out afterwards that the discrimination was due to being trans)?

March 31: International Transgender Day of Visibility

Posted on by Posted in Politics, trans activism, transgender, transition .

So now I have even more of a reason to celebrate on the 31st. Facebook has always been one of those places that grassroots events take off (Twitter, I think, will also be the other at this point). But it was on Facebook that I ran across the group to promote International Transgender Day of Visibility. I think it’s a great idea. We have been remembering those who have passed before us but now it’s time to stand up as we are, alive and whole, today. One of the challenges is that many trans individuals go stealth once they full pass in the gender they were meant to be. And many choose not to be identified as trans. This is fine but for many being trans is a very visible thing. We transition with the whole world watching us, waiting to see what new thing has physical, emotional or otherwise has changed.

And while transitioning is, for the most part, a selfish thing it is also a societal thing. Our belief that gender is what we’re born with physically isn’t accurate. Like many things in life there are factors that make up all of this: brain chemistry, societal impact, parental influence or lack thereof, friend relationships, etc. There is nothing to blame either; it is what it is (as the saying goes). Perhaps this will lead to a full separation from the LGB. LGB (B is only supported if it’s women; men, not so much) is widely becoming more and more accepted. Case in point: New Hampshire has recently approved of a bill to go to Senate for same-sex unions but at the same time, denied equality rights for transgender individuals (the “Washroom Bill”).

I see more and more stories about transgender/transsexual politics and it is heartening, even if they are not positive. At the least, people are being made aware more and more as to who we are. We’re not freaks or weirdos or <insert epithet here>; we’re average citizens who want the right to exist as we are. In world where so many pressure everyone to be the same (e.g., you must be <insert religion>; you must <insert thought>; you must support <insert political regime>), we stand out at challenging a lot of that. We aren’t the “musts”; we are “what we should be”.

We should be supportive of each other.

We should be respectful of each other’s choices/needs/wants.

We should recognize the vast wonderful differences that each of us has.

We should appreciate the various paths and experiences that make us all so unique.

And if you’ve ever wondered what a trans person looks like.. here it is:

Me (9 months on T)

Me (9 months on T)

Ah, yes, the washroom dilemma

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, Politics, trans activism, transgender, transition .

This remains one of my biggest challenges to overcome. Ya, it’s a nagging fear and I just need to push forward but I think I’m getting there. I just wish that society didn’t put so much into it. I mean, really. When you think about it. At home, do you have male and female washrooms? In public we’re all there to do two things: use the washroom and then wash our hands afterwards. Do we have to make a big deal out of it? For Gainesville, FL., it was a big deal. Enough to have a vote over it. The result of the vote was to keep the law, which protects trans individuals to use the washroom that reflects their gender, was 58% to keep while 42% to repeal it.

Quite honestly, it’s someone like me, a trans person who is in that in-between stage of transition, that benefits the most from the law. Those who have transitioned years ago and are read 100% of the time in the true gender don’t have to worry too much about this but it’s those that have just started or are limited by funds from fully transitioning that this protects. The idea that it opens the door for a rapist to use this as a defense is laughable. I mean, seriously, how often does rape actually happen in a washroom? I have to ask because I did a search and found the following: most rapes will occur by a person you know in a place you know (apt, home, work). Now, this isn’t to say it isn’t possible but I do think that the funds spent on trying to repeal this law could have been used for better education and support of rape victims in general.

Why not offer self-defense classes and empower women to be able to stand up against aggressors?

Why not put up public service announcements to teach adults and children alike to be aware of danger signs?

Why not make children aware of “bad touch” but know that “good touch” is ok as well?

Why not…

The expectations of young people today are very different from 30 years ago. People don’t like big dormitories and communal washrooms. They want more privacy and that is what we are trying to offer them. — Duncan Simpson

Because it’s often easier to be reactive than proactive. Rather than spend the time to be aware, to re-create trust in our society with each other, get to know each other, be there for each other, we’d rather admonish others and continue a cycle of fear. I think society is exhausted of fear, uncertainty and doubt. I think society is tired of living in “uncertain times” and wants life to be simplier. Perhaps this cycle of downturn will benefit us in that it will teach us to appreciate each other more, appreciate more of what we have and respect others of what they have. Maybe it will even teach us to be supportive of each other in these harsh times and less reactive.

Maybe.

It’s interesting that the main focus of this is over whether “men” go into women’s washroom but not vice versa. I’ve actually been told that there is less of a threat for me to go into a men’s washroom than if a transwoman goes into a woman’s washroom. The more I see comments like that the more convinced that general society views trans women from a societal view of giving up on privilege (male privilege) and trans men going for privilege (both of these ideas are the farthest thing from the truth for 99% of the trans people I know). There always is a threat for a trans person, regardless of whether it’s a trans man or a trans woman. It’s the fact that a person is trans that’s often viewed as a threat. Perhaps it’s an overblown threat, particularly in larger cities but it still rests in the back of my mind and is probably the thing that holds me back some. I’ve gotten more brave as I pass and am read more and more as male. I know I haven’t run into any trans male who has said they were assaulted or attacked for using the men’s washroom (trans women really do get verbally and physically assaulted in both and that’s a horrible, harsh reality) but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Male rape does exist as well.

I think it’s time to stop feeding into the reactive and be proactive on my own as well. It’s always another step moving forward toward complete and total self-satisfaction and happiness.

Fun, eh?

Everyone Matters: Dignity and Safety for Transgender People

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

My biggest fear still remains work. Friends and family have certainly begun to understand (or at the least, tolerate) at this point. Seeing this video (and particularly, seeing someone being accepted by a company as large as Microsoft) gives me more hope given that I work for a just company as well. It’d still never be easy nor without challenges but it’s nice to know.

Thanks to Krystle for posting it. 🙂