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Tag Archives: love

Cake recipe, plans, dreams and 40th (good grief!)

Posted on November 12, 2009 by Linus Posted in Daily life, Finances, Life, recipes, vegan stuff .

 funny-pictures-cat-is-canadianI doing some prep work for an upcoming class and feeling rather confident about it. But still worried. No matter how much you prepare there are always little things that you miss here and there. It had been a while since I had been at my trans support group so going last night was good. The atmosphere had changed a bit in some ways but the good heart and support that the group aims to provide was still there. I worry about not being able to find that in Los Angeles when we move there next year.

And I must say I am rather excited about it. The idea of a new adventure is sometimes enough to jump start things. I’m still hopeful that I might get surgery before then but hard to say. So in the meantime, I’m contemplating options that would allow me to pay off all/most debt, cover surgery or both. And I think I might have an option. If I can’t get surgery covered before leaving NYC, then I’ll put this other plan in motion and sometime late next year (end of 2010) or beginning 2011 I’ll look into that option.

And recently, I feel like I’ve been waking up again emotionally and spiritually. Not sure what it is. Perhaps it’s finding a new zest for life elsewhere and a new adventure. We’ll see. I’m still working on the fight against the red tape of the Ontario government and that’s still no easy task but I’m hopeful that I may have found what they needed. I should have remembered that whatever you figure it will take for something to complete, double the time you expect it to finish. Maybe I can have my IDs in my new name before my 40th in the spring.

Oh ya. And speaking of my 40th, I had wanted a party (and I still do) but I know fiscally it may be impossible to get everyone together for my 40th since a lot of friends and family are north of the border. Perhaps I should do something like a 2-4 for the 44th or something like that. I think the reality is may need to wait until we’re settled in L.A. or do something else. Not sure yet. It’s been so long since I’ve celebrated any birthday as a party I’ve forgotten what’s involved with the whole process. In some ways, I’d almost want to wait until I get my dream house but that’s a few years down the road. For those curious, my dream house would be a decent sized house (3-5 bedrooms) on 1-2 acres with neighbours that are about a 2-4 min walk away. A small community ideally (weird for a city boy, I’m sure), living off the grid (weirder for a geek) but with internet (the geek demands it) and a garden that is nearly self-sustaining (reality is we’d probably need a lot of variety of things so west coast living can help supplement some of this — maybe I could barter IT expertise for various fruits and veggies). I still want to be debt free (the credit cards and loans gone) and just have a house and car to worry about. Oh ya. That driver’s license thing.

I can honestly say that I’m tired of the noise of leaf blowers, the yelling in the street, the honking, etc. I crave the quiet of the leaves rustling, the sound of birds, the awe of a starry night sky. It’s the romantic in me but also the little boy that grew up often at a cottage in a small town on the St. Lawrence where big bonfires, roasted marshmallows and lots of friends with bellowing laughter ensued. Or visiting a cousin where she grew up and lived in the same place all her life, where she knew where home was. Home is where your heart is but sometimes it’s also where peace is; batteries can be recharged and meditation can happen without competition.

More things for the bucket list. On the plus, I have realized that I’ve paid a small chunk off of one credit card and if I continue at this rate, this one should be paid off sooner than later. I’m still working on the others and still believe I can do this.

And for those who asked, here’s the link to the recipe I used for the Vegan Red Velvet Cake. By the way, it’s all gone. I may make another or something else for our Vegan thansgiving and our 3rd anniversary together.

1 Comment .
Tags: Daily life, dreams, Life, love, vegan .

Must-see DVD: For the Bible Tells Me So..

Posted on August 21, 2009 by Linus Posted in LGBTQ .

I just finished watching this DVD (thanks Netflix) and gotta say: the more I investigate how Christianity works the more I believe what Ghandi said. One of the things that seems evident of some here in the world is that if it is written then we are to interpret it as it is written and consider nothing else. The assumption is that the world  never changes and should never change. That it, like God, are constants. But I wonder if some got the message a little screwy, like the Telephone game that kids play. You know, the one where a secret message is told in a large group and by the time you get to the last person the “peanut butter and jelly sandwich” has become the “green elephant on the marshmallow roof”.

The world changes although the actual text, often left to interpretation by us little mere mortals, doesn’t change that much. And from that text are pulled some common quotes:

Leviticus 18:22 (King James Version)

22Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (Source)

The Leviticus quote is the most common one done by various groups who pontificate on the evils of homosexuality. It is interesting that this is often choosen as the main text by, as per the DVD, “literals” — those that take the Bible and read it literally. The challenge to this is that we forget to main points: 1) the Bible were written by men (there are no passages, AFAIK, written by women) and their take on God 2) those letters were written 2,000 in a different time and place than today and 3) were written a few hundred times until we reached where we are today. The Bible is one of the longest ongoing telephone games around. What is often forgotten was that this was, as theologians put it, a form of “holiness” code. A holiness code was a code of behaviours put forth in contrast to the “non-Jews” at the time period. It was a challenge to the excesses and desire to live by right. Many religions and philosophies have that built in. Even in Buddhism we have the 5 Percepts which includes a precept to “abstain from sexual misconduct and sensual overindulgence2“. Does that mean homosexuality? No. It means to ensure that sex is treated as the intimate and relationship building behaviour that it should be; and that it be done with consent between people. In the context of Leviticus, it was a commentary of what was going on at the time by the “pagans” — particularly the wealthy to-do ones who used sex as an activity for the sake of demeaning one’s enemies rather than the union of people.

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
Mahatma Gandhi quotes (Indian Philosopher, 1869-1948)

Genesis 19 talks about the infamous Sodom and Gomorrah, the so-called wicked twin cities. Now this one might have more relevance today but not for the reasons that I think many of us have been taught. The whole story, when you read it, isn’t about the so-called “wicked sexual behaviour” but rather the denying someone into your home with open arms and feasting in the presence of another. Basically something that is sorely lacking in today’s society. We too often sit behind closed doors and refuse others to come in, offering shelter, help, love, laughter and a meal. God, as per this passage, smote the cities because people were — basically — refusing to be human to each other. The site I used for the Leviticus passage allows you to see how each various Bible interpretation lists the passage for Genesis 19:5. The original King James version reads: “And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.” (emphasis on the last words mine). As I flipped to other versions, this got changed to “that we may have sex with them”. At a time when the privileged individuals of cities were turning away “strangers”, it was important to know who existed within the gates and if they were deemed unworthy, they were shunned or worse.

This isn’t about homosexuality or anything else. It’s about how we treat each other and that we should treat each other, even when we are complete strangers, with respect and with the most important message of the Bible that is often forgotten: love. That is what it is ultimately about, isn’t it? Perhaps we need to be more like Christ again and open our doors to each other. If our concern is about where our society is going, then I think we need to start by asking ourselves a simple question: how do I treat the strangers that walk into my life, asking for the simplest of help?

Anyways, the DVD does definitely give thought to both sides of the fence and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the Bible a bit more.

3 Comments .
Tags: Bible, Christianity, Jesus, LGBTQ, love, religion, transgendered, US Politics, USA .

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

Posted on May 10, 2009 by Linus Posted in Gratitude, Life .
Mom and lil me (yes, early 70s)

Mom and lil me

Today is Mother’s Day. Many people will celebrate it with their mothers by taking them out for brunch or serving them breakfast in bed. Card manufacturers will make a fortune in calls and such. When my mom was alive, I know I didn’t appreciate her. Sometimes it’s the not so obvious things that really matter. My mom’s name, Michele, always hits home when listening to the Beatles’ classic; particularly since she was a huge fan of theirs.

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Tags: Gratitude, Life, love, Mother's Day .

Life is too short to be small

Posted on March 31, 2009 by Linus Posted in Life .

It’s hard to believe that 39 years ago I was born to my mom (who was all of 18 at the time I was born). Life was never easy and I’m sure, if she was alive today, she wouldn’t necessarily be thrilled with my path today. I’m sure somewhere under her hard exterior she’d still love me as I am. At least that’s what I hope. In some ways, birthdays have been bittersweet. To be remembered, even if only for one day, is important. It’s not the gifts (material things do wear down and cigars can be smoked) but rather the people that matter the most when celebrating a birthday. Most people look at it as their special day as to when they entered the world. I look at it as the day that I entered the world and started making connections and creating connections with others.

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball

This is somewhat of a milestone year for many. They often see it as having lived 40-50% of their life at this point. I view it as the start of truly living live, especially with what I’ve done in the last 3 years alone, let alone all of the stuff I’ve done over the last 39. Getting “old” is definitely a state of mind. Yes, our bodies age. Things are affected more by gravity; we feel those bruises more; we become more attached to the Wheel of Fortune. But, I have found myself to be more youthful now than I did when I was 8 or 21 (the last two years I had birthday parties). When I was 8 I had adult responsibities. When I was 21, I was carefree but soon got hit with the full force of life the following year.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot:

  • how to ride a bike
  • how to use a remote
  • how to use a Mac
  • how to use a PC (Windows/Linux)
  • how to read
  • how to laugh
  • how to be laughed at
  • how to cry at a sad movie
  • how to laugh at dark humor
  • how to imagine worlds beyond our little microcosm
  • how to save the planet (composting, recycling, reusing, reducing)
  • how to drive a car through the back of a garage
  • how to toast marshmallows
  • how to enjoy the awe of the Northern Lights on the St. Lawrence
  • how to enjoy the smell of a pipe
  • how to enjoy silence and the crackle of a bonfire
  • how to stop a puck
  • how to fall off a bike
  • how to fall in love
  • how to fall out of love
  • how to make Mac’n’Cheese
  • how to live off of Mac’n’Cheese for a year
  • how to do a solo bicycle tour
  • how to get lost on a bike while doing a tour
  • how to make friends
  • how to lose friends
  • how to not give a fuck anymore
  • how to care for everyone
  • how to lose faith
  • how to believe in spirituality and more than me
  • how to skate on ice
  • how to hit a board because I forgot to stop on ice
  • how to dance
  • how to embarrass myself dancing
  • how to drink
  • how to drink so bad that I forgot what happened (only once!)
  • how to hate where I work
  • how to love what I do
  • how to try to stay safe and not rock the boat
  • how to take a risk because the boat needs rocking

But I think the thing I’ve learned that matters the most is to be myself. That’s what makes this year and the years to come so important. I regret very little in life since all those wonderful mistakes, screw ups, etc., have brought me to the here and now. And that is a wonderful thing, no?

“Life is too short to be small.”

— Benjamin Disraeli

2 Comments .
Tags: friends, Gratitude, Life, love .

A Boy and his Cat.

Posted on February 17, 2009 by Linus Posted in Life, photo blog .

Ok. So I have no dog but Bobcat is pretty close to one.

A boy and his cat

A boy and his cat

1 Comment .
Tags: cat, Life, love, photo blog .

Ohana means family.

Posted on February 7, 2009 by Linus Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, photo blog, transition .
K and Bobcat, the mad purrer

K and Bobcat, the mad purrer

I’m pretty lucky, I do have to say. When it comes to family, I’m probably luckier than most. My family may not fully understand all of why I’m doing what I’m doing and they may (or may not) make a full effort but they do love me regardless and want me to be happy regardless. That is all that matters. I know that I’ll never be disowned, disregarded, ignored, shunned or thrown out (although the last is hard to do since I live my life independently now.

I called both my aunts today and talked with one who I haven’t seen in over a year for a good half one. It was a nice conversation and made me miss my family more. We talked a bit about my transition. I don’t believe in forcing them to call me by my chosen name for the main reason that they only do see me once a year or so. They are trying and I definitely give them credit for that. It’s not easy for them to “flip” overnight from the person they had seen and identified as their “niece” to the visual person that will become their “nephew” but I’m sure it will come.

 rosie-01-17-09

Rosie getting warm on the radiator

One thing that I’m most lucky to have is K and the furrkids. The furrkids love me unconditionally as I am (particularly if I’ve got food in my hands). Rosie is still a skittish 2 year old but she does follow us both around and talks to us in her tiny, high voice. Bobcat, at 15 years, still is rather talkative (almost too talkative at times) and has become a marathon sleeper. She’d win the Olympic Sleeping division, if such a thing existed. She’s sometimes playful (when the weather is cooler like in spring or fall) but truly is active when food is late (at least to her tummy). She’ll never turn down a cuddle and purrs like mad when held. Neither furr kid has objected to my changing voice or appearance. I’m still “daddy” to them.

And then there’s K, my rock in life. I’ve been truly blessed at having a partner who is understanding, open and caring enough to support me through this whole process. It’s not just the physical that changes but the whole person that changes during transition. We are, actually, constantly transitioning our souls as we age, experience and move forward in life. I feel like I’ve been reborn again (Born Again Human?) and am going through my third life (I often divide my life up to Life Before my Mom’s Murder in 1992, Life After her Murder and Life after 2005). I’ve been lucky enough to have a transition that has been straight forward, simplistic and fairly uncomplicated (save for work visa issues). K has been understanding enough to let me be a kid again, explore things (e.g., my cigar hobby) and laugh heartily with me as we venture out in the world and sleep deeply under the stars at night. I look at my little family and know one thing (and it’s the most important thing):

I am home.

4 Comments .
Tags: family, friends, Gratitude, love, photo blog, pictures, transition .

Wii can be “WHEE” when sick

Posted on December 17, 2008 by Linus Posted in Life .

I got the Rayman Raving Rabbids TV Party game yesterday. OMG! Talk about silly fun. It was great! We played a little bit last night and I played some more this morning. What I love about it is that it really gets you moving and to the point of working up a good sweat (although I’m not sure it was necessarily good for this cold). There’s shooter games (in the guise of “cult cheesy movies); dance competition (I did well on Wham’s “Wake Me Up” and the Jackson Fives “ABC” — it’s an age thing); bandstand (“Another One Bites the Dust” drums was perfect); fashion competition (ugliest bunny you ever saw); a “jackass” equivalent (boy! can they take abuse!) and a surfing (on an ironing board through space, no less) sports game. It’s totally silly and has no ounce of seriousness in it. And it’s a perfect family or party game (especially if you have a Wii board — but it’s not required).

It’s interesting to see how games have changed. I was reminiscing about the days of going to the arcade, getting quarters and trying once or twice at the amazing “Dragon’s Lair”. I tended to do better on the Centipede and Galaxa games, however. Arcades were dens of “evil” and such, along the lines of playing D&D. But you pretty much stood there. There wasn’t any interaction beyond moving the joystick and/or pushing buttons. Pinball, another favourite of mine, could have a little more movement if you “hipped” the machine (although you had to be careful not to tilt it in the process). A couple of years ago I went to a Dave & Buster’s and got to play with a boxing game. I was sore the next day from it but it was a great workout and that is what the Wii seems to provide. It’s ok to play the games because they are often silly, definitely obviously not serious and can keep a person moving as you do various things (thus, burning calories in a fun way).

It was a nice break from the bed.

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Tags: Gratitude, Life, love, sick, Wii .

Love Story: K and Linus 2 Years later (& Vegan Thanksgiving)

Posted on November 22, 2008 by Linus Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, recipes .

Wow. Hard to believe that two years have passed. K and I first met online just over two years ago. And two years ago on Thanksgiving I asked her out officially. Our first year was hard because of distance and life’s challenges but we survived it. Every day I realize how lucky I am to not only have a job, a roof over my head and a path to where I’m going but also have this beautiful woman beside me. There are times where her beauty makes me want to cry in joy and love. Most people are shocked at our age difference but quite honestly, I’ve never noticed. With K I feel totally alive, younger than I am and whole. We laugh lots. We’re silly at times. We have great “adult fun” and we even just enjoy being with each other. I’m totally thankful that this woman walked into my life when I least expected it. And hope that it lasts the entire rest of my lifetime.

I love you, K!

Tonight I made a tofurky for us as well as mashed vegan sweet potatoes with a mushroom gravy since we won’t be together for Thanksgiving (she’s visiting family back in Los Angeles).

Linus’ Vegan Mashed Sweet Potatoes:

4 regular yams/sweet potatos
2 Idaho potatos
2 small onions, chopped
4-5 shitake mushrooms, thinly sliced and chopped
4-5 garlic cloves, diced
olive oil to coat pan in
soy spread
mushroom broth
ground sage
1-2 tbsp of vanilla soy creamer
salt
pepper
garlic powder/salt
onion salt

Clean and cut the potatos into chunks. Put into a pot of boiling water and let boil until all are soft. In a pan, sautee and brown chopped onions on med-low heat in olive oil. I use a heavy iron skillet and add water when the onions potentially stick (about 4-5 min). Stirring often can lessen sticking problems When the onions are browned, add garlic and sautee until brown (about 2-3 min). Finally, add mushrooms and sprinkle salt, pepper and sage. Mix it thoroughly and turn heat to low and cover.

While the mushrooms/onion mix is cooking, draining the potatos and put back into the pot. Mash with fork or wooden spoon if masher isn’t available. Add soy spread, 1/4 cup at a time. In regular mashed, milk is used to make them creamy. In vegan option, soy spread can be used. Add soy creamer to help. As the mixture becomes more and more creamer, add salt, pepper, galic powder/salt and onion powder to taste.

Once mushroom/onion mix is cooked, mix into potatos. Serve hot.

Linus Mushroom gravy (modified from Tofurky recipe):

4 cups of organic mushroom broth
1/2 cup of unbleached flour (although I used wheat flour)
2 tbsp of olive oil
4-5 shitake mushrooms, thinly sliced and chopped
1 medium onion, chopped
sage
salt
pepper
5-6 drops of Louisanna Hot sauce

In a pan, sautee and brown chopped onions on med-low heat in olive oil. I use a heavy iron skillet and add water when the onions potentially stick (about 4-5 min). Stirring often can lessen sticking problems When the onions are browned, add garlic and sautee until brown (about 2-3 min). Finally, add mushrooms and sprinkle salt, pepper and sage. Mix it thoroughly and turn heat to low and cover.

In a pot mix the olive oil and flour, heating at low-med heat. Add broth. Cook thorough, mixing with a whisk to ensure all the lumps are gone. As it heats it will thicken. Once thick, add mushroom/onion mix. Cover and heat on low-med heat, stirring out lumps occassionally. This should take about 10 min. Then add hot sauce and continue to cook on low for another 10 min.

1 Comment .
Tags: cooking, Life, love, recipe, recipes, vegan .

Mah woman spoils me!

Posted on November 16, 2008 by Linus Posted in Daily life .

So K and I were having some wonderful cuddle time when she asked me if I wanted my anniversary present a week early. She had been asking a few times this week if I wanted it so I figured sure. It had to be pretty special for her to want me to have it sooner. So I said yes. So she told me to get the card in the pink envelope on her desk. I brought it back and opened up to a letter rather than a traditional card. A beautiful love letter. I was nearly in tears. Never has anyone shown me so much love as she has. When I finished reading it, she giggled in the background.

“Ok. Close your eyes.”

I closed my eyes and could hear her dig out the present from under the bed. She put a large box into my hands.

“Ok. Open it!”

I could see a twinkle in her eyes. I flipped open a lid and saw another box inside..

Along the edges was a single word I had been longing to get at some point. A word that would satisify the geek in me while still keeping me active: Wii.

Oh.

My.

God!

The woman got me a Wii console with sports game and simple Wii Fitness in it. It was great! We each did a fitness test. She also played a few games of tennis while I did a few rounds of boxing. I did well on the boxing but not so well on the fit test. I apparently scored at a level of a 77 year old (!!!!). I will be looking into getting an actual Wii Fit boogie board and other stuff. But I have to say, this is a fun console! 🙂

And even more special, the letter made my heart sing even more.

Note: my arms, on the other hand, are rather sore. :/

4 Comments .
Tags: Daily life, love .

Transitioning: Finding support, creating support and being positive about it

Posted on November 9, 2008 by Linus Posted in transgender, transition .

One of the biggest challenges with transitioning is dealing with that feeling of being all alone — even when surrounded by people who love us. Transwomen tend to have more resources available to them as there are more of them than transguys (the last figure I heard was that there was 1 in 30,000 for MtF transsexualism and 1 in 100,000 for FtM transsexualism — see study results here — although that is a moving target it seems). And as a result it can be hard for transguys to find resources and support groups. Most work is being done to address needs of transwomen while the guys get kinda left out. I’m very thankful to be in NYC where the LGBTQ Center has a support group dedicated to those who fit onto the Masculine Spectrum (an important note: this group is designed for anyone who identifies as “masculine”, not just those going through medical transition).

A few thoughts first:

  1. Your family will always love you. They may not understand and it may take time for them to come around but somewhere, deep under their anger, fear, guilt and confusion, they do truly love you. Never assume it will be a negative response as people feed off of negativism.
  2. Remember that you’ve been processing this choice for a while. Friends and family will be shocked to hear about your choice, unless they’ve been privy to your thought process for as long as you’ve considered this. To them, it appears as sudden and they need time to process and understand this as well. Be understanding and patient with them.
  3. The world isn’t all against us. There are a lot of people out there from our own groups to allies who do want to help us. They know we’re suffering in the bodies we have and understand that we desire to be in the body we should be in.
  4. Remain positive. It can be hard sometimes when faced with hatred but it will be the thing that keeps your soul going.

Now, that said, where to turn when none of this seems to work and you need to vent to someone who understands exactly what’s going on?

Two main online resources are the FtM-Trans Yahoo Group and Transmen Yahoo Group. Both groups have been active for over 8 years and provide an online option for those in smaller communities where creating a group may not be possible. That said, it may be  possible to find others in your community here and eventually do your own in-person group, even if it’s just over coffee at the local coffee shop.

One of the best sites for a listing of Support Groups is TG Crossroads FTM Support Services page. It lists primarily online groups that are city-specific and general online places to get resources. Most major cities, particularly northern US, will have a support group somewhere. But if you’re in a big city and you have no support group, start one! Seriously. It’s very likely that you’re not the only one and that there are others who need help too. If you do start a group consider the following ideas to help ensure that the group stays successful, focused and enjoyable:

  • ensure that all members speak up and don’t let it be overdominated by one or two speakers
  • respect all gender pronouns and gender variants; not everyone is medically transitioning or knows if that is really their path
  • establish the importance of having members speaking from the *I* and not being a spokesperson for everyone
  • don’t target someone to be the topic of discussion; sometimes people rant or vent at meetings and don’t necessarily want to discuss it — they just want to be heard

There are also general respect rules like cell phones off, no texting during meetings, set arrival and departure times, and confidentiality (what’s said in group stays in group). There may be others that you and/or members of the group would want to consider. Don’t get bogged down with rules or guidelines for the group nor make them set in stone. The most important thing is that the group is welcoming to all who enter the doors. We are already shunned and kept out of some areas; our one home should be open to us all.

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Tags: friends, FTM, LGBTQ, love, MTF, transition, work .
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