Going beyond transition

Tag Archives: Gratitude

Yes, yes.. I’m still here.

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, transition, Traveling/Work, vegan stuff .

I’ve been lazy and busy at the same time for the last little while. I sometimes go through a non-desire to write and the most recent time period was it. I’ll admit to being a little bit of a WoW addict of late. (Yes, that is the first step to healing). But it is a cheap escape for me and the puzzles do exercise the mind in many ways. I think I’ve gotten a little bored with work. The excitement is down and I think I’m getting a little worried about the visa situation. I’m still waiting to hear. I think if it does fail, I’ll head to BC (Vancouver) and ride out the year there. It’d suck but, one does what ya have to do.

I have gotten a little bit excited about a new site that I’m helping out on: ButchFemmePlanet. Coming in at the ground level, it’s re-energinzed my non-work related geek to poke at vBulletin more and to do a little work on VeganBodybuilding site (I’m the admin there too). I have to say that BFP definitely feels like a breath of fresh air and has a good community feel about it. The community feeling is important to me. It adds to that sense of belonging and purpose that we often want in life beyond our partners. Anyways, it’s refueled my desire to re-learn PHP, go more advanced and get beyond that. I’ll be investigating into some things I could do to improve the blog a bit but we’ll see.

The NaNoWriMo failed for me this year. It was that whole bored/lazy thing. I dunno why but the idea I had at first fizzled. I used to have such a creative mind but now, not so much. It’s made me wonder if some of that is the T. My emotions and how I display them have certainly changed. I find I cannot cry any more (things that would have me sniffling barely get a whimper). It’s a very hard thing to come to grips with. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for them, it’s just that I cannot show it like I used to.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. This has never been a huge holiday for me largely because we never visited family and associated meaning with the holiday. When I learned the true history of Thanksgiving, that it wasn’t as “Rockwellian” as we’d believe, it lost it’s importance to me even more. It’s shocking how everyone here talks about how it’s for family and such — and then I see a lot of the grocery stores open (albeit with shortened hours). It is a commercialized holiday to the Nth degree and that really does suck. For us, we didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving but rather our 3rd year together. We first started dating on Thanksgiving in 2006 (although online) and it’s been an amazing 3 years. Certainly we’ve had bumps and bruises along the way but I have found that we’ve gotten closer and love each other more now than before. It’s an awesome feeling. I made a pure vegan dinner — tofurky, vegan dumplings, potatos, onions, carrots, gravy and a vegan wish bone — that we thoroughly enjoyed. And then we watched Bruno. That has to be the weirdest movie I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised that it made it to theaters and that lawsuits of one sort or another didn’t prevent it from airing. There were some parts that were just downright funny and others that surprised me that the audience didn’t kill him.

Anyways, online blog buddy DolphynGyrl wanted to know what 5 things we’re thankful for this holiday season so here are mine:

1. I am thankful that I finally found my path in life, even if it took a few years.

2. I am thankful that I have a job I love (yes, I do still love my job)

3. I am thankful for good health of friends and family

4. I am thankful that Bobcat is still around, cranky as ever.

5. I am thankful for K being in my life. Without her, life would be lonely and very plain.

I lurve my company and am annoyed by Ontario Gov’t..

Posted on by Posted in Life, transition, Traveling/Work .

Or at least my manager. A few months ago, while running between flights and having to lug my laptop out for security checks, it dropped and caused some damage to the case. It was enough that it required a repair. Long story short, the expenses finally got approved because my manager believes in her staff that work for her. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s not enough to work for a great company; it’s the people that truly make the difference. Every day that I’m at my company I’m in awe of the knowledge and kindness that I get from colleagues and my manager.  Her actions reminded me how much I love working for my company, not just because the I love our products and believe in them so much but because the people are so awesome and humble. I told her I owed her a dinner for this but she said that she owed me one for all the times I’ve been flexible when they needed someone to fill in at the last minute. It capped a day that had been somewhat depressing but was ending on a good note.

On Thursday, while in Baltimore, I went to the local cigar store to unwind and won a hat as part of an event they had on. While relaxing, I connected my iPod Touch to the wireless and found out that the Matthew Shepard bill got approved by the Senate (I know that some may not approve or understand but as a trans individual, it adds a little more protection for someone like me). I think it shows more and more that what’s in the government, albeit slow as most large governmental organizations are, are good people and try to help where they can. It gives a little bit more of hope to me that ENDA might yet pass in the full form rather than a water downed version as was previously thought.

When I finally got back to NYC, I noticed a large envelope from Ontario. I was hopeful that it was my newly modified birth certificate. Apparently something isn’t right with the forms and the provided documentation. So before I go fully ballistic, I tried calling them (this morning, in fact). Unfortunately, their computers were down so I’ll try again tomorrow.

Transitioning on the job: win.

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude, LGBTQ, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work, Uncategorized .

This past week turned out to be far better than expected. As some of you have read, this was the first week that colleagues really saw me since before my transition began. I was very apprehensive after reading about so many who have been mocked, ridiculed, etc. when they transitioned on the job. I got the complete opposite. To the point of near tears. I am blessed for working in a company that is supportive of the person I am and am becoming. I wasn’t quite comfortable using the washroom with colleagues but have done more of that when out in public or going to airports. I get “sir’d” constantly now and even changed a few of my “points” (e.g., hotel, airline, etc.) to “Mr.” and get called that as well. Almost every night, I met up with about 4-12 of my colleagues in one room or another. We had a few drinks (it’d kill the swine flu, I tells ya); a few cigars; and a lot of war stories. I got asked a few questions, shown a lot of support and good laughter. I guess it was a form of bonding with my colleagues (many who want to do co-teaches with me, especially in Vegas — apparently they’d lied; it doesn’t stay in Vegas — LOL).

I know there are a few who probably weren’t sure of what had happened to me and aren’t too sure how to ask (they were being polite or PC, not sure which). And for those folks it may be necessary to do an email to colleagues. I think that this week I’ll be working on that email and send it out (assuming HR is ok with it). I’ll probably put a huge line at the bottom that says something along the lines that I’m ok with pretty much any question being asked to me directly but to remember that I’m not like other trans individuals and not to assume that others will answer those questions.

It was weird today. For some reason I wish I could call my mom and tell her, excitedly, about all my successes. But then I remembered I can’t. Many choices in life I do not regret .. except one: my last words to my mom two years prior to her death. It doesn’t change the fact that she was killed unnecessarily  nor does it change the history we had (both good and bad). But as I travel further down my Buddhist path, I’m becoming more aware of the power of karma (karma is neither good nor bad, it just is the effect of actions) and the importance of lessening the suffering, no matter how small, on ourselves and others.

Anyways, I do believe that I am proof of a few things. It is possible to transition on the job with little or few objections by employer, employees and customers. I am also proof, I suspect, of white privilege and specifically, male white privilege. I work in a male dominanted industry and one that is highly white dominanted (for all the wrong reasons, IMO). It is stuff like that which frustrates me since I cannot figure out how to change things (at least not just yet).  It will be interesting to see if my salary changes at the next performance review (it should — not based on gender but rather all the things I’m doing and will be doing over the next 6 months).

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude, Life .
Mom and lil me (yes, early 70s)

Mom and lil me

Today is Mother’s Day. Many people will celebrate it with their mothers by taking them out for brunch or serving them breakfast in bed. Card manufacturers will make a fortune in calls and such. When my mom was alive, I know I didn’t appreciate her. Sometimes it’s the not so obvious things that really matter. My mom’s name, Michele, always hits home when listening to the Beatles’ classic; particularly since she was a huge fan of theirs.

Trans Thoughts: The Battles Within the T Community

Posted on by Posted in trans activism, transgender, transition .

Going back to Ottawa last week was great in some respects, in others, not so much. I have to admit grinning internally as I’d listen to students 2nd guess my gender when they’d discuss things amongst themselves. And I got braver about using the right washroom. The biggest challenge will come next week when I’m with colleagues. Everything will be in the hotel so that will make things easier but it will still be interesting. It does press the need for my name change, to officially come out to colleagues and to move forward with necessary surgery (the heat this weekend highlighted the need for top surgery — just sweat with so many layers on trying to hide things).

All-in-all I will admit to being very lucky. Transmen really do have it easier compared to our trans sisters. And white trans individuals have more leeway than POC trans individuals. Lately, however, I’ve been reading on the internet about some of the hate-filled comments others have made about transwomen. What seems to be one of the most distressing ones is attacks from individuals that society might view as trans. Two sites I frequent recently erupted into battles over transsexual/transgender versus HBS.

Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace — Buddha

Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS) is the idea that the body was deformed at birth and thus surgical sexual reassignment surgery is needed to “cure” one self. Often it is linked to intersex disorders (intersex is a range of disorders that result in the genitals being ambigous; you can find out more here) but the thing to remember is that HBS is not intersex. And to date, HBS (sometimes referred to as “true transsexualism”) hasn’t been validated by peers or accepted by the APA/AMA. For me, this is important. For those that view themselves as having HBS, if it resolves what they feel it does within themselves, then that is good. I cannot view myself that way because it does deny where my past was, which is still something I want to honour as it is part of who made me the person I am.

One of the biggest challenges with HBS, in my opinion, is that there is a perceived view as to what makes a transsexual and how a transsexual should look. There is a huge desire that a transsexual look perfect and pass perfectly; anything less suggests not beng “true”.  Add to that a desire to not be associated with transgender (that is, gender different people who may be pre-op, no-op, etc.) as well as the LGBTQ community at large and it creates an unfortunate schism in the overall community. Granted that this is their choice, that is fine but often what has been happening is a deliberate attempt to go after those that choose another path that they are more comfortable with. I respect a person’s choice to transition or not; to view themselves as having HBS or not; to just be. Anything else would advocate that they should suffer in life and that goes against my desire to stop suffering as per my buddhist leanings. Maybe I do not fully understand all that they have experienced when they got to this point and something in their life has given them reason to hate (and, yes, I will use the word hate since that is what it’s like reading sometimes) those that do not adhere to HBS.

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.—Unknown

I can somewhat understand the cis-gendered butch’s hatred towards an FtM but there is a mythos that all FtMs were former butches and this is incorrect. This is akin to the idea that all MtFs were drag queens and flambouyant gay men. And while some go towards what society defines as male or female there are many that do not. None of these are incorrect thoughts. They are just different than what society expects, whether mainstream or within the LGBTQ society.  I do, however, have a hard time understanding the issues that are between the HBS and the overall trans community. I know that some of it is that for many HBS they do not see themselves as trans, if I understand what I’ve read about it correctly, and rather see themselves as per their gender but with a birth defect. And that’s fine.

I’m not advocating a “Kumbya” moment here but rather a respect of differences since each of us cannot walk along another’s path and remember that not all of us will fit or would want to fit Hollywood’s definition of “woman” or “man”. As a whole we need to avoid falling into the trap of judging by the cover of the individual. One would think that the recent sensation of Susan Boyle had, at the least, taught us that, no?

Saying “Yes” to life

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude, Life .

Ok. I’ll admit this upfront. I know I’m weird for not being a big fan of Jim Carrey but I’m not. I like his more serious, darker work like “The Number 23“. Now I agreed to watch “Yes Man” because it’s one of K’s recent favourite movies. While predictable at some points, it is a simple sweet movie. What I found most profound was the message tied in the movie itself. Basically, it’s the premise that if we remain open to possibilities we live life more. And this is a very true statement. It seemed a rather ironic thought after yesterday’s post about having our social relationships constructed only online. Are we saying yes to relationships because of online or no to real time life?

But as I thought about it more, and looked beyond that post, it dawned on me that I had become a quasi-“yes man” by virtue of moving forward in life by saying “yes” to things: being more open about myself, allowing myself to move forward in transition, taking that first scary step when joining the support group, visiting a sangha, moving to the US, finding a new love, etc. For a long time I stayed with the safe, never really taking chances. It was when I began to do long distance solo bicycle touring that I realized that saying “yes” to doing those things meant a whole world was open. Heck, even saying “yes” to being frugal has had it’s benefits. For once, I have enough money in my bank accounts to pay for day-to-day stuff. Sure, not as much as I’d like and I still have credit cards to pay off but better than where I was before. Things like saying “yes” to a walk rather than sitting at home watching TV, reading rather than aimlessly wandering the internet, making food at home rather than going out, etc. Life seems so much more alive and one doesn’t need to spend a lot (it was a question I asked K in that it seemed like Carrey’s character did things that would, ultimately, break someone financially).

What do you say “yes” to?

Perhaps it ain’t so lonely out here after all..

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life .

I was reading “Lonely in the Electronic Wilderness” by Handan T. Satiroglu. It’s an interesting insight into how society has changed thanks to the Internet. Really, the big “I” internet was meant as a tool to share info. There is definitely some strong truths to it from my point of view. I’ve actually begun to wonder if we’ve forgotten how to make friends outside of the internet. We certainly have colleagues and associates at work and at our other temporary social gatherings but those close, dear friends are farther and farther apart. We turn to the internet to make social connections that are somewhat cold and calculated, useful for our time and place of things. I suspect that is why we see many people who have lots of online “friends” or “acquaintances” and yet, feel so lonely.

It’s not to say that this method of communication doesn’t open doors for those who are truly challenged otherwise by society. As a former introvert to the extreme, the internet opened gateways for me that I would never would have imagined. It allowed me a voice to be myself and move beyond the binary of 1s and 0s. But at the same time I longed for something more. I’ve been lucky that in work (P, V and S) I’ve had a few people who I’ve connected to on a more personal basis and feel a friendship there (not a deep friendship but more than an acquaintance, that’s for sure). And I consider myself lucky to have those friendships. I also know I’ve connected with a few online who I’ve met in person and have transformed from just online acquaintances to something more than just friend (perhaps not quite to full deep BFF but close to that). The likes of Arwen, Stephanie and Merrick — in addition to my K — are definitely in that category.

And then there’s my students. While many of them pop up now and again, a few I stay in semi-regular contact with (*waves to Matt*). I still have a few friends from high school (I get to meet up with one next week after not seeing each other for nearly 5 years). Much like my cousin in Alberta, we can pick up where we left off as if nothing happened. Those are the friends that I hold the dearest to me as they’ve known me for far too long and still accept  me as I am. The one thing I want (and I’ve mentioned this to K) is to stop moving around. I want to be in a place long enough to make local friends and connections, regulars I can hang with and perhaps even “HERF” (enjoy cigars) with in the backyard or local cigar store. And I want our kids to have an opportunity to have long term friends to turn to for love, laughter, squabbels, support and other things that make us whole. More importantly, I want them to be able to do this in real time and not just online (it’s foolish to assume that there will not be a long term impact or permanence to online friendships and such).

One of the ways I combat being only online is my job (by nature of being an instructor you have to have an investment into your student body and care about their success). In addition to that, the support group I go to. We have created friendships outside of that and it’s been helpful. Although I’m often feeling my age around the younger guys, I still feel like I belong and that matters a lot to me. The one thing that I might yet still explore for more connections is my spiritual search. The challenge is the fact that I’m always on the road and often exhausted by the end of a teaching day. This summer promises no exception since most of May and June I’ll be on the road (including visits to San Francisco, Denver and Dallas forecasted in addition to teaching NYC).

I’m curious as to what others do to find human contact outside of the electronic world. What’s your secret for this?

You are not a chicken.

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude, Life, transition, Traveling/Work .

I’ve been reviving my pursuit of Buddhism spirituality (I hesitate to say religion at this point as I don’t follow specific rituals but try to follow a path that sings to me). Anyways, I’ve been reading Daily Buddhism regularly now and today the post had this story in it:

I remember years ago I was getting counseling from a very wise man and explained to him how when I returned to my home town after a couple years away, I fell right back into my old patterns of life, which included many healthy choices. I explained it him this way, ” Have you ever seen those chickens at fairs that do a trick or something? Like the kind that are in a small cage with a light bulb and a piano? When I was growing up there used to be one near our house at a small amusement park. You put a quarter in a slot below the cage and the light bulb in the cage would turn on. The chicken would see the light and walk over to the piano. The chicken would peck out four or five notes on the piano and food would be dispensed as a reward. You see, I feel like that chicken when I come home. When the light goes on, I  play the piano.”

My wise counsel replied, ” You have forgotten one important point. You are not a chicken.”

It’s made me think how society is like this. We’ve grown up with family and friends who choose to be what the light bulb tells us and we follow that route consistently. And then others we ignore the light bulb, following the path that is meant for them or for their friends. This past week I discovered how my perceived notions that people would judge me based on the fact that I’m transitioning is completely wrong. I need to stop paying attention to the light and moving beyond that perception. Again, it doesn’t indicate that others aren’t but personally I’m finding a life that is with limited challenge (perhaps white ?male? privilege) to what I look like and more about what I say and do. This is heartening.

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.” — Tina Turner

I’ve yet to be challenged at Customs (Canada or US) or by the TSA.

I’ve yet to be challenged at work by colleagues or clients. In fact, most of my clients that I meet these days are convinced I’m a guy (and I haven’t had any surgery yet).

I have yet to be challenged on the street for the person I am.

My family and friends still talk with me, even if they do not understand. They are gentle and tolerant.

I still have to address my one fear — washrooms — but that is likely for naught. I think I twisted some guys head the other day when he held the men’s washroom door open as we walked to the washroom and I went into the other. I still have to remind myself of the unattributed quote: “Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears.” I do see more and more smiles as to the person I am and not what I think or have been told that others might see. We are often too overwhelmed over the negative that we let it become the norm when it really isn’t necessarily so.

I suppose I am lucky and privileged to have such a supportive network of friends and family. I’ve seen what outright hatred and denial is like through the eyes of others I’ve talked with. I suppose taking the Middle Way in regards to my transition works to allow others to see me change gradually and accept it rather than force an extreme view down their throat (forcing and/or extremism, IMO, often lead others to become rigid and unwavering in their being).

Life is good for this non-chicken. 😉

Blog Reader Appreciation Day

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude .

Today, if you didn’t know, is Blog Reader Appreciation Day. You know, I do have to admit I am grateful for all the different types of people that come here and read my blog. And sometimes blog writers do forget that it is the audience that makes a blog successful and allow it to thrive. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of how important you, the reader, are.

So.. Thanks. Sincerely and wholeheartedly. For without you, dear reader/friend, I wouldn’t have grown into the man I am today.

Video Blog: April 11, 2009