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Perhaps it ain’t so lonely out here after all..

Posted on April 18, 2009 by Linus Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life .

I was reading “Lonely in the Electronic Wilderness” by Handan T. Satiroglu. It’s an interesting insight into how society has changed thanks to the Internet. Really, the big “I” internet was meant as a tool to share info. There is definitely some strong truths to it from my point of view. I’ve actually begun to wonder if we’ve forgotten how to make friends outside of the internet. We certainly have colleagues and associates at work and at our other temporary social gatherings but those close, dear friends are farther and farther apart. We turn to the internet to make social connections that are somewhat cold and calculated, useful for our time and place of things. I suspect that is why we see many people who have lots of online “friends” or “acquaintances” and yet, feel so lonely.

It’s not to say that this method of communication doesn’t open doors for those who are truly challenged otherwise by society. As a former introvert to the extreme, the internet opened gateways for me that I would never would have imagined. It allowed me a voice to be myself and move beyond the binary of 1s and 0s. But at the same time I longed for something more. I’ve been lucky that in work (P, V and S) I’ve had a few people who I’ve connected to on a more personal basis and feel a friendship there (not a deep friendship but more than an acquaintance, that’s for sure). And I consider myself lucky to have those friendships. I also know I’ve connected with a few online who I’ve met in person and have transformed from just online acquaintances to something more than just friend (perhaps not quite to full deep BFF but close to that). The likes of Arwen, Stephanie and Merrick — in addition to my K — are definitely in that category.

And then there’s my students. While many of them pop up now and again, a few I stay in semi-regular contact with (*waves to Matt*). I still have a few friends from high school (I get to meet up with one next week after not seeing each other for nearly 5 years). Much like my cousin in Alberta, we can pick up where we left off as if nothing happened. Those are the friends that I hold the dearest to me as they’ve known me for far too long and still accept  me as I am. The one thing I want (and I’ve mentioned this to K) is to stop moving around. I want to be in a place long enough to make local friends and connections, regulars I can hang with and perhaps even “HERF” (enjoy cigars) with in the backyard or local cigar store. And I want our kids to have an opportunity to have long term friends to turn to for love, laughter, squabbels, support and other things that make us whole. More importantly, I want them to be able to do this in real time and not just online (it’s foolish to assume that there will not be a long term impact or permanence to online friendships and such).

One of the ways I combat being only online is my job (by nature of being an instructor you have to have an investment into your student body and care about their success). In addition to that, the support group I go to. We have created friendships outside of that and it’s been helpful. Although I’m often feeling my age around the younger guys, I still feel like I belong and that matters a lot to me. The one thing that I might yet still explore for more connections is my spiritual search. The challenge is the fact that I’m always on the road and often exhausted by the end of a teaching day. This summer promises no exception since most of May and June I’ll be on the road (including visits to San Francisco, Denver and Dallas forecasted in addition to teaching NYC).

I’m curious as to what others do to find human contact outside of the electronic world. What’s your secret for this?

2 Comments .
Tags: friends, Gratitude, Life .

You are not a chicken.

Posted on April 17, 2009 by Linus Posted in Gratitude, Life, transition, Traveling/Work .

I’ve been reviving my pursuit of Buddhism spirituality (I hesitate to say religion at this point as I don’t follow specific rituals but try to follow a path that sings to me). Anyways, I’ve been reading Daily Buddhism regularly now and today the post had this story in it:

I remember years ago I was getting counseling from a very wise man and explained to him how when I returned to my home town after a couple years away, I fell right back into my old patterns of life, which included many healthy choices. I explained it him this way, ” Have you ever seen those chickens at fairs that do a trick or something? Like the kind that are in a small cage with a light bulb and a piano? When I was growing up there used to be one near our house at a small amusement park. You put a quarter in a slot below the cage and the light bulb in the cage would turn on. The chicken would see the light and walk over to the piano. The chicken would peck out four or five notes on the piano and food would be dispensed as a reward. You see, I feel like that chicken when I come home. When the light goes on, I  play the piano.”

My wise counsel replied, ” You have forgotten one important point. You are not a chicken.”

It’s made me think how society is like this. We’ve grown up with family and friends who choose to be what the light bulb tells us and we follow that route consistently. And then others we ignore the light bulb, following the path that is meant for them or for their friends. This past week I discovered how my perceived notions that people would judge me based on the fact that I’m transitioning is completely wrong. I need to stop paying attention to the light and moving beyond that perception. Again, it doesn’t indicate that others aren’t but personally I’m finding a life that is with limited challenge (perhaps white ?male? privilege) to what I look like and more about what I say and do. This is heartening.

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.” — Tina Turner

I’ve yet to be challenged at Customs (Canada or US) or by the TSA.

I’ve yet to be challenged at work by colleagues or clients. In fact, most of my clients that I meet these days are convinced I’m a guy (and I haven’t had any surgery yet).

I have yet to be challenged on the street for the person I am.

My family and friends still talk with me, even if they do not understand. They are gentle and tolerant.

I still have to address my one fear — washrooms — but that is likely for naught. I think I twisted some guys head the other day when he held the men’s washroom door open as we walked to the washroom and I went into the other. I still have to remind myself of the unattributed quote: “Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears.” I do see more and more smiles as to the person I am and not what I think or have been told that others might see. We are often too overwhelmed over the negative that we let it become the norm when it really isn’t necessarily so.

I suppose I am lucky and privileged to have such a supportive network of friends and family. I’ve seen what outright hatred and denial is like through the eyes of others I’ve talked with. I suppose taking the Middle Way in regards to my transition works to allow others to see me change gradually and accept it rather than force an extreme view down their throat (forcing and/or extremism, IMO, often lead others to become rigid and unwavering in their being).

Life is good for this non-chicken. 😉

1 Comment .
Tags: friends, FTM, Gratitude, Life, travel, work .

Blog Reader Appreciation Day

Posted on April 17, 2009 by Linus Posted in Gratitude .

Today, if you didn’t know, is Blog Reader Appreciation Day. You know, I do have to admit I am grateful for all the different types of people that come here and read my blog. And sometimes blog writers do forget that it is the audience that makes a blog successful and allow it to thrive. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of how important you, the reader, are.

So.. Thanks. Sincerely and wholeheartedly. For without you, dear reader/friend, I wouldn’t have grown into the man I am today.

3 Comments .
Tags: friends, Gratitude .

Life is too short to be small

Posted on March 31, 2009 by Linus Posted in Life .

It’s hard to believe that 39 years ago I was born to my mom (who was all of 18 at the time I was born). Life was never easy and I’m sure, if she was alive today, she wouldn’t necessarily be thrilled with my path today. I’m sure somewhere under her hard exterior she’d still love me as I am. At least that’s what I hope. In some ways, birthdays have been bittersweet. To be remembered, even if only for one day, is important. It’s not the gifts (material things do wear down and cigars can be smoked) but rather the people that matter the most when celebrating a birthday. Most people look at it as their special day as to when they entered the world. I look at it as the day that I entered the world and started making connections and creating connections with others.

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball

This is somewhat of a milestone year for many. They often see it as having lived 40-50% of their life at this point. I view it as the start of truly living live, especially with what I’ve done in the last 3 years alone, let alone all of the stuff I’ve done over the last 39. Getting “old” is definitely a state of mind. Yes, our bodies age. Things are affected more by gravity; we feel those bruises more; we become more attached to the Wheel of Fortune. But, I have found myself to be more youthful now than I did when I was 8 or 21 (the last two years I had birthday parties). When I was 8 I had adult responsibities. When I was 21, I was carefree but soon got hit with the full force of life the following year.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot:

  • how to ride a bike
  • how to use a remote
  • how to use a Mac
  • how to use a PC (Windows/Linux)
  • how to read
  • how to laugh
  • how to be laughed at
  • how to cry at a sad movie
  • how to laugh at dark humor
  • how to imagine worlds beyond our little microcosm
  • how to save the planet (composting, recycling, reusing, reducing)
  • how to drive a car through the back of a garage
  • how to toast marshmallows
  • how to enjoy the awe of the Northern Lights on the St. Lawrence
  • how to enjoy the smell of a pipe
  • how to enjoy silence and the crackle of a bonfire
  • how to stop a puck
  • how to fall off a bike
  • how to fall in love
  • how to fall out of love
  • how to make Mac’n’Cheese
  • how to live off of Mac’n’Cheese for a year
  • how to do a solo bicycle tour
  • how to get lost on a bike while doing a tour
  • how to make friends
  • how to lose friends
  • how to not give a fuck anymore
  • how to care for everyone
  • how to lose faith
  • how to believe in spirituality and more than me
  • how to skate on ice
  • how to hit a board because I forgot to stop on ice
  • how to dance
  • how to embarrass myself dancing
  • how to drink
  • how to drink so bad that I forgot what happened (only once!)
  • how to hate where I work
  • how to love what I do
  • how to try to stay safe and not rock the boat
  • how to take a risk because the boat needs rocking

But I think the thing I’ve learned that matters the most is to be myself. That’s what makes this year and the years to come so important. I regret very little in life since all those wonderful mistakes, screw ups, etc., have brought me to the here and now. And that is a wonderful thing, no?

“Life is too short to be small.”

— Benjamin Disraeli

2 Comments .
Tags: friends, Gratitude, Life, love .

Ohana means family.

Posted on February 7, 2009 by Linus Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, photo blog, transition .
K and Bobcat, the mad purrer

K and Bobcat, the mad purrer

I’m pretty lucky, I do have to say. When it comes to family, I’m probably luckier than most. My family may not fully understand all of why I’m doing what I’m doing and they may (or may not) make a full effort but they do love me regardless and want me to be happy regardless. That is all that matters. I know that I’ll never be disowned, disregarded, ignored, shunned or thrown out (although the last is hard to do since I live my life independently now.

I called both my aunts today and talked with one who I haven’t seen in over a year for a good half one. It was a nice conversation and made me miss my family more. We talked a bit about my transition. I don’t believe in forcing them to call me by my chosen name for the main reason that they only do see me once a year or so. They are trying and I definitely give them credit for that. It’s not easy for them to “flip” overnight from the person they had seen and identified as their “niece” to the visual person that will become their “nephew” but I’m sure it will come.

 rosie-01-17-09

Rosie getting warm on the radiator

One thing that I’m most lucky to have is K and the furrkids. The furrkids love me unconditionally as I am (particularly if I’ve got food in my hands). Rosie is still a skittish 2 year old but she does follow us both around and talks to us in her tiny, high voice. Bobcat, at 15 years, still is rather talkative (almost too talkative at times) and has become a marathon sleeper. She’d win the Olympic Sleeping division, if such a thing existed. She’s sometimes playful (when the weather is cooler like in spring or fall) but truly is active when food is late (at least to her tummy). She’ll never turn down a cuddle and purrs like mad when held. Neither furr kid has objected to my changing voice or appearance. I’m still “daddy” to them.

And then there’s K, my rock in life. I’ve been truly blessed at having a partner who is understanding, open and caring enough to support me through this whole process. It’s not just the physical that changes but the whole person that changes during transition. We are, actually, constantly transitioning our souls as we age, experience and move forward in life. I feel like I’ve been reborn again (Born Again Human?) and am going through my third life (I often divide my life up to Life Before my Mom’s Murder in 1992, Life After her Murder and Life after 2005). I’ve been lucky enough to have a transition that has been straight forward, simplistic and fairly uncomplicated (save for work visa issues). K has been understanding enough to let me be a kid again, explore things (e.g., my cigar hobby) and laugh heartily with me as we venture out in the world and sleep deeply under the stars at night. I look at my little family and know one thing (and it’s the most important thing):

I am home.

4 Comments .
Tags: family, friends, Gratitude, love, photo blog, pictures, transition .

I mean, honestly!

Posted on January 16, 2009 by Linus Posted in Daily life .
An Honest landmark

An Honest landmark

Ah.. Honest Ed’s. It’s a Toronto landmark, yanno? Most Torontonians at some point or another has bought something or giggle at the many things that Honest Eds sold. While the man himself passed away, his legacy lives on. He was very honest as to who he was and what he sold. And that is sometimes a hard thing to find these days. Apparently a friend of mine, Dolphyngyrl, thinks I need to be MORE honest than I am. She says that I cannot list 10 interesting things but honest things about myself and then find 7 other friends to do the same.

HA!

In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny: “You realize, dis means WAR!”

So, honestly, here are my 10:

1. I LOVE cartoons. If I could, I’d get every uncensored Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoon out there. It would have to have my favourites the Roadrunner/Coyote “Sugar and Spies” cartoon and the Bugs “Barber of Venice”.

 1967-gt-500-shelby-mustang-2

1967 Ford GT 500 Shelby Mustang

2. I used to be an avid long distance bicycle soloist tourer (a mouthful!). In 2005, my speedometer clocked a total of over 9,200km (something over 5,700 miles or so), which took me through various parts of Ontario and lots of the GTA (Greater Toronto Area). I miss it something fierce. I still have a dream to bike across Canada in memory of my mom.

3. Although I’m rather gentle and believe in following both a buddhist and vegan path, I have an inner “biker” in me. I want a Harley or an OCC custom hog and want to ride it around the continent when retired.

4. I do not have a driver’s license. I have attempted to get it on a couple of occassions but after my last try I’ve held off. I actually drove my father’s ex’s car through the garage, out the back bringing down some of the cement blocks on the car. Not a fun experience. It’s a shame since I’d love to get and rebuild a Ford 1967 Mustang. I think it’d actually be pretty good at it and do like the idea of a car that isn’t driven by a computer but by the owner.

5. I want to be an author of fiction and non-fiction books. I attempted to do a mini-bio/memoire as part of the NaNoWriMo contest but only got about 35,000 words before November 2008 ended. I still have to revise it some and perhaps I could actually finish it. But I have doubts as to how interesting it’d be.

6. I’m afraid of spiders. Like, really afraid of spiders. And snakes. And other crawly things.

7. I love scary movies that include crawly things.

8. I was once a conservative and heavily involved in politics. I actually was President of the Eastern Ontario PC Youth (defunct) and was involved in a variety of campaigns in Ottawa. I don’t remember much other than great keggers on the Hill. I once got so drunk (drinking from 10am until, I think, 2am) on one Canada Day that I don’t remember what happened and alcohol was pouring out of my skin.

Apparently, however, I had or was a great time since someone — who I swear I had never met before — told me how much fun I was. (!!!!!)

9. My very first crush was Vicky Stubbing (Jill Whalen) on The Love Boat. My second was Kelly (Jackylin Smith) on Charlie’s Angels followed by a tie between Tootie (Kim Fields) and Natalie (Mindy Cohn) from The Facts of Life. I never had any boy crushes but wanted to be either Sean Connery’s version of James Bond or Jo from The Facts of Life.

Hrmm…

There’s a pattern there, I know it!

10. My first “love” kiss never happened until I was 37. Kissing K the first time in January 2007 is the first time my whole body shook and I felt an electricity kissing someone. She was the first where I understood what it meant to have Chemistry. And she’s the first I ever utter the M word to. Being a late bloomer has it’s advantages.

Whew!

Who knew, eh, that I had so much more to tell.

Ok. So now I will pick 7 people to play along with this.

My first is Arwen, my “big sister”. I learned the importance of an extended family and Arwen is definitely someone who fits that bill. She’s always been there, in the time we’ve gotten to know each other, for when I needed help and advice. Plus, she’s pretty awesome at doing Tarot readings. Thus far, they’ve been 100% accurate.

Veronique has become a new online friend that I met through twitter. I’ve been blessed by finding commonality and a kind soul to talk to.

Through twitter I met a few others including Shauna, who’s shown me what the world is like for someone who is intersexed. To fully understand this means coming to terms to gender in a different but straightforward way.

Over across the big pond and a few landmasses, I began to read what life is like elsewhere. Being in the US now, I do find that things get kinda US-centric and I wanted to learn about what it’s like to face a transition elsewhere. Emily has been one person that has remained open and offered great insight into that.

Again through twitter, I met another woman who showed me that yes, there is viberant life in Kansas (who knew?). Dana‘s lively insights into her world have been an inspiration for me.

I sometimes miss teaching (not the marking part, the edu-ma-kating part) at the college level. My students were always amazing and I did make friends with a few. Matt actually took a couple of my courses and has done me great pride by doing well in the IT world. He’s done me even more by respecting my transition. I consider myself lucky to call him friend.

And lastly but not least, Wryly (aka Rez-boi). Wryly was one of the first friends I ever made in the Toronto area and felt an immediate kinship with. She’s been a great friend to hang with and always had a moment, even in the most trying of times. Plus she’d listen to me whine non-stop about the same thing over and over and over and over.. and give me honest feedback (football helmet, eh? ROFL!)

4 Comments .
Tags: dreams, friends, fun, Life .

I miss Toronto and New York

Posted on December 6, 2008 by Linus Posted in Daily life .

This week has been great as I visited friends from both work and from my life. It was easy to pick up from where I left off. Although I spent most of my life not knowing what friendship was, I learned late in life what it is. And I have to say I’m blessed with some pretty amazing friends. It was great to be reminded of all the things that I liked about Toronto but also reminded me of what I’m missing in NYC. I so wish I didn’t have to worry about a border, work or other things. If I could just take K to Canada and not have to fuss over borders, passports and the like, I’d do it. But I can’t.

This picture is from the skating rink in front of City Hall in Toronto. Skating was something I used to do when I was younger and played goalie. It wasn’t unusual to just lace up the skates and go down the Rideau Canal in Ottawa. I hope oen day my kids can experience those kinds of memories.

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Tags: Canada, friends, Life, pictures, work .

LGBTQ news: The list is supposed to be getting smaller, not bigger..

Posted on November 17, 2008 by Linus Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, transgender .

It’s interesting to see how news media deals with stuff like this. In both cases they identify the victim, Teish Cannon, as being “openly gay” and being a man. But only one identifies that she was living as a woman. I’m not sure what her gender identity was but a part of me feels that she is being disrespected by the media for who she was.

Source: Syracuse.com

Dwight R. DeLee shot and killed Moses “Teish” Cannon with a .22-caliber rifle Friday night because he didn’t like that Cannon was openly gay, Syracuse police said.

Cannon, 22, and his brother, Mark Cannon, 18, both of 404 Arthur St., were shot as they sat in a car parked in front of 411 Seymour St., where they had been invited to a party. The bullet grazed the left arm of Mark Cannon, who was in the driver’s seat, and hit Moses Cannon in the chest, police said.

And the second story which identifies, at the least, that she lived as a woman.

Source: Newsradio 570 WSYR Syracuse

The Syracuse man charged with second degree murder faces a judge this morning.

Family and friends of Moses Cannon are still shocked over his sudden death.

“I’m bitter, I’m hurt,” said Roxanne Green, Moses’ mother.

Cannon, who lived as a woman, was shot and killed Friday night. Police say the suspect, 20 year-old Dwight DeLee, didn’t like his sexual preference.

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Tags: friends, LGBTQ, media, shot .

Transitioning: Finding support, creating support and being positive about it

Posted on November 9, 2008 by Linus Posted in transgender, transition .

One of the biggest challenges with transitioning is dealing with that feeling of being all alone — even when surrounded by people who love us. Transwomen tend to have more resources available to them as there are more of them than transguys (the last figure I heard was that there was 1 in 30,000 for MtF transsexualism and 1 in 100,000 for FtM transsexualism — see study results here — although that is a moving target it seems). And as a result it can be hard for transguys to find resources and support groups. Most work is being done to address needs of transwomen while the guys get kinda left out. I’m very thankful to be in NYC where the LGBTQ Center has a support group dedicated to those who fit onto the Masculine Spectrum (an important note: this group is designed for anyone who identifies as “masculine”, not just those going through medical transition).

A few thoughts first:

  1. Your family will always love you. They may not understand and it may take time for them to come around but somewhere, deep under their anger, fear, guilt and confusion, they do truly love you. Never assume it will be a negative response as people feed off of negativism.
  2. Remember that you’ve been processing this choice for a while. Friends and family will be shocked to hear about your choice, unless they’ve been privy to your thought process for as long as you’ve considered this. To them, it appears as sudden and they need time to process and understand this as well. Be understanding and patient with them.
  3. The world isn’t all against us. There are a lot of people out there from our own groups to allies who do want to help us. They know we’re suffering in the bodies we have and understand that we desire to be in the body we should be in.
  4. Remain positive. It can be hard sometimes when faced with hatred but it will be the thing that keeps your soul going.

Now, that said, where to turn when none of this seems to work and you need to vent to someone who understands exactly what’s going on?

Two main online resources are the FtM-Trans Yahoo Group and Transmen Yahoo Group. Both groups have been active for over 8 years and provide an online option for those in smaller communities where creating a group may not be possible. That said, it may be  possible to find others in your community here and eventually do your own in-person group, even if it’s just over coffee at the local coffee shop.

One of the best sites for a listing of Support Groups is TG Crossroads FTM Support Services page. It lists primarily online groups that are city-specific and general online places to get resources. Most major cities, particularly northern US, will have a support group somewhere. But if you’re in a big city and you have no support group, start one! Seriously. It’s very likely that you’re not the only one and that there are others who need help too. If you do start a group consider the following ideas to help ensure that the group stays successful, focused and enjoyable:

  • ensure that all members speak up and don’t let it be overdominated by one or two speakers
  • respect all gender pronouns and gender variants; not everyone is medically transitioning or knows if that is really their path
  • establish the importance of having members speaking from the *I* and not being a spokesperson for everyone
  • don’t target someone to be the topic of discussion; sometimes people rant or vent at meetings and don’t necessarily want to discuss it — they just want to be heard

There are also general respect rules like cell phones off, no texting during meetings, set arrival and departure times, and confidentiality (what’s said in group stays in group). There may be others that you and/or members of the group would want to consider. Don’t get bogged down with rules or guidelines for the group nor make them set in stone. The most important thing is that the group is welcoming to all who enter the doors. We are already shunned and kept out of some areas; our one home should be open to us all.

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Tags: friends, FTM, LGBTQ, love, MTF, transition, work .

Random Thoughts for Today (October 21)

Posted on October 21, 2008 by Linus Posted in Daily life .

Because I’m at home this week, it allows me to set my own schedule as to how I want to do this (for the most part — if I have conference calls, I have to account time for those). Otherwise, I can start later to end later. Since K won’t be home until 7:30ish, this gives me some time to do a few personal stuff before going whole-hog into my lab work. I’ll do an afternoon walk before going to get the groceries for the rest of the week. The chili was a hit and we still have lots left over so that’s good.

Over the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking how lives in general are always in transition and how we go in and out of other’s lives. And as it would happen, a former boss of mine who was pretty much instrumental at me becoming a teacher, a good admin and realizing the importance of working in an environment that was fun, supportive and just awesome pinged me today with one of those forwarding emails. I hadn’t spoken to her in a while as a lot has been going on in both our lives and given the distance, it was rarer to see each other. I sent her my email that had informed friends and family of my transitioning. It’ll be interesting to see her take on it and what she’ll say. She’s a HR manager type and has always been open about things, very rarely judging. But you never know.

All that said, it did make me wonder about those who have passed through my life and the ol’ where-are-they-now. I guess every now and again, I get sentimental for people who have been a part of my life, whether a small part or large, and can only hope and wish that they too have found the kind of happiness and fulfillment I’ve found in life. Anyways, I’m gonna do a video blog shortly (well overdue) and add that to here.

Enjoy your day.

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Tags: friends, transition, work .
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