Going beyond transition

Tag Archives: Daily life

Yes, yes.. I’m still here.

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, transition, Traveling/Work, vegan stuff .

I’ve been lazy and busy at the same time for the last little while. I sometimes go through a non-desire to write and the most recent time period was it. I’ll admit to being a little bit of a WoW addict of late. (Yes, that is the first step to healing). But it is a cheap escape for me and the puzzles do exercise the mind in many ways. I think I’ve gotten a little bored with work. The excitement is down and I think I’m getting a little worried about the visa situation. I’m still waiting to hear. I think if it does fail, I’ll head to BC (Vancouver) and ride out the year there. It’d suck but, one does what ya have to do.

I have gotten a little bit excited about a new site that I’m helping out on: ButchFemmePlanet. Coming in at the ground level, it’s re-energinzed my non-work related geek to poke at vBulletin more and to do a little work on VeganBodybuilding site (I’m the admin there too). I have to say that BFP definitely feels like a breath of fresh air and has a good community feel about it. The community feeling is important to me. It adds to that sense of belonging and purpose that we often want in life beyond our partners. Anyways, it’s refueled my desire to re-learn PHP, go more advanced and get beyond that. I’ll be investigating into some things I could do to improve the blog a bit but we’ll see.

The NaNoWriMo failed for me this year. It was that whole bored/lazy thing. I dunno why but the idea I had at first fizzled. I used to have such a creative mind but now, not so much. It’s made me wonder if some of that is the T. My emotions and how I display them have certainly changed. I find I cannot cry any more (things that would have me sniffling barely get a whimper). It’s a very hard thing to come to grips with. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for them, it’s just that I cannot show it like I used to.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. This has never been a huge holiday for me largely because we never visited family and associated meaning with the holiday. When I learned the true history of Thanksgiving, that it wasn’t as “Rockwellian” as we’d believe, it lost it’s importance to me even more. It’s shocking how everyone here talks about how it’s for family and such — and then I see a lot of the grocery stores open (albeit with shortened hours). It is a commercialized holiday to the Nth degree and that really does suck. For us, we didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving but rather our 3rd year together. We first started dating on Thanksgiving in 2006 (although online) and it’s been an amazing 3 years. Certainly we’ve had bumps and bruises along the way but I have found that we’ve gotten closer and love each other more now than before. It’s an awesome feeling. I made a pure vegan dinner — tofurky, vegan dumplings, potatos, onions, carrots, gravy and a vegan wish bone — that we thoroughly enjoyed. And then we watched Bruno. That has to be the weirdest movie I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised that it made it to theaters and that lawsuits of one sort or another didn’t prevent it from airing. There were some parts that were just downright funny and others that surprised me that the audience didn’t kill him.

Anyways, online blog buddy DolphynGyrl wanted to know what 5 things we’re thankful for this holiday season so here are mine:

1. I am thankful that I finally found my path in life, even if it took a few years.

2. I am thankful that I have a job I love (yes, I do still love my job)

3. I am thankful for good health of friends and family

4. I am thankful that Bobcat is still around, cranky as ever.

5. I am thankful for K being in my life. Without her, life would be lonely and very plain.

Cake recipe, plans, dreams and 40th (good grief!)

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Finances, Life, recipes, vegan stuff .

funny-pictures-cat-is-canadianI doing some prep work for an upcoming class and feeling rather confident about it. But still worried. No matter how much you prepare there are always little things that you miss here and there. It had been a while since I had been at my trans support group so going last night was good. The atmosphere had changed a bit in some ways but the good heart and support that the group aims to provide was still there. I worry about not being able to find that in Los Angeles when we move there next year.

And I must say I am rather excited about it. The idea of a new adventure is sometimes enough to jump start things. I’m still hopeful that I might get surgery before then but hard to say. So in the meantime, I’m contemplating options that would allow me to pay off all/most debt, cover surgery or both. And I think I might have an option. If I can’t get surgery covered before leaving NYC, then I’ll put this other plan in motion and sometime late next year (end of 2010) or beginning 2011 I’ll look into that option.

And recently, I feel like I’ve been waking up again emotionally and spiritually. Not sure what it is. Perhaps it’s finding a new zest for life elsewhere and a new adventure. We’ll see. I’m still working on the fight against the red tape of the Ontario government and that’s still no easy task but I’m hopeful that I may have found what they needed. I should have remembered that whatever you figure it will take for something to complete, double the time you expect it to finish. Maybe I can have my IDs in my new name before my 40th in the spring.

Oh ya. And speaking of my 40th, I had wanted a party (and I still do) but I know fiscally it may be impossible to get everyone together for my 40th since a lot of friends and family are north of the border. Perhaps I should do something like a 2-4 for the 44th or something like that. I think the reality is may need to wait until we’re settled in L.A. or do something else. Not sure yet. It’s been so long since I’ve celebrated any birthday as a party I’ve forgotten what’s involved with the whole process. In some ways, I’d almost want to wait until I get my dream house but that’s a few years down the road. For those curious, my dream house would be a decent sized house (3-5 bedrooms) on 1-2 acres with neighbours that are about a 2-4 min walk away. A small community ideally (weird for a city boy, I’m sure), living off the grid (weirder for a geek) but with internet (the geek demands it) and a garden that is nearly self-sustaining (reality is we’d probably need a lot of variety of things so west coast living can help supplement some of this — maybe I could barter IT expertise for various fruits and veggies). I still want to be debt free (the credit cards and loans gone) and just have a house and car to worry about. Oh ya. That driver’s license thing.

I can honestly say that I’m tired of the noise of leaf blowers, the yelling in the street, the honking, etc. I crave the quiet of the leaves rustling, the sound of birds, the awe of a starry night sky. It’s the romantic in me but also the little boy that grew up often at a cottage in a small town on the St. Lawrence where big bonfires, roasted marshmallows and lots of friends with bellowing laughter ensued. Or visiting a cousin where she grew up and lived in the same place all her life, where she knew where home was. Home is where your heart is but sometimes it’s also where peace is; batteries can be recharged and meditation can happen without competition.

More things for the bucket list. On the plus, I have realized that I’ve paid a small chunk off of one credit card and if I continue at this rate, this one should be paid off sooner than later. I’m still working on the others and still believe I can do this.

And for those who asked, here’s the link to the recipe I used for the Vegan Red Velvet Cake. By the way, it’s all gone. I may make another or something else for our Vegan thansgiving and our 3rd anniversary together.

I lurve my company and am annoyed by Ontario Gov’t..

Posted on by Posted in Life, transition, Traveling/Work .

Or at least my manager. A few months ago, while running between flights and having to lug my laptop out for security checks, it dropped and caused some damage to the case. It was enough that it required a repair. Long story short, the expenses finally got approved because my manager believes in her staff that work for her. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s not enough to work for a great company; it’s the people that truly make the difference. Every day that I’m at my company I’m in awe of the knowledge and kindness that I get from colleagues and my manager.  Her actions reminded me how much I love working for my company, not just because the I love our products and believe in them so much but because the people are so awesome and humble. I told her I owed her a dinner for this but she said that she owed me one for all the times I’ve been flexible when they needed someone to fill in at the last minute. It capped a day that had been somewhat depressing but was ending on a good note.

On Thursday, while in Baltimore, I went to the local cigar store to unwind and won a hat as part of an event they had on. While relaxing, I connected my iPod Touch to the wireless and found out that the Matthew Shepard bill got approved by the Senate (I know that some may not approve or understand but as a trans individual, it adds a little more protection for someone like me). I think it shows more and more that what’s in the government, albeit slow as most large governmental organizations are, are good people and try to help where they can. It gives a little bit more of hope to me that ENDA might yet pass in the full form rather than a water downed version as was previously thought.

When I finally got back to NYC, I noticed a large envelope from Ontario. I was hopeful that it was my newly modified birth certificate. Apparently something isn’t right with the forms and the provided documentation. So before I go fully ballistic, I tried calling them (this morning, in fact). Unfortunately, their computers were down so I’ll try again tomorrow.

The Stars Make No Noise

Posted on by Posted in Life .

You know, I grew up in cities all my life. But I don’t know why noise pollution is affecting me so much now. I suppose after 4 months of non-stop (except for Sundays) drilling, concrete sawing, jack hammering and the vibrations all of those entail (and yes, all the way up to the top floor where I’m at on the 7-story building we live in) is starting to grate on me in no uncertain terms. I nearly cried when I heard them start up today. I thought they were finished since the main doorway was finally available for us to use this weekend. No such luck. I can’t open my window because of the noise and the drilling goes right through my feet. Lately I’ve been playing WoW (finally got to level 80 with my tauren hunter! w00t!) until about 1:30am due to insomnia and just general restlessness. Even though K let’s me sleep until whenever, I feel exhausted still. I find I get irritated too often and tense. My job, while challenging, isn’t a stressful kind of challenge (one of the reasons why I like it).

I recognize that it needs to be done but I will be very grateful when it’s finally done with (although, it’ll likely be done when I’m no longer teaching from home or when we move with my luck). We worry so much about visible pollution that we don’t consider the effects of noise pollution. I miss my aunt’s place, which is set in a very small community just outside of Halifax. The most noise you’ll hear are crickets, june bugs and neighbours talking to each other. And they are more calm. I wonder sometimes if the massive honking and such that is common in the area is a direct result of people being affected by noise pollution. K and I have been talking about moving to Los Angeles next year. I think I’m going to see if we can move to a place that is a little bit off the main strip. Or, at least is new enough that there won’t be any foreseen construction (things happen, I know).

K and I have been talking about potentially settling down in Oregon or Washington State in a small town/city (say, something under 20,000 pop.). While there are a variety of good reasons why (e.g., often closer knit community, stability, better family options, etc.) and certainly some drawbacks (e.g., nosy neighbours, less options for “things”), one of the main things for me is a more slowed lifestyle and quieter lifestyle. But utter silence is so appealing right now.

To be able to look up into a pitch black sky, twinkling with diamonds of planets and stars yet discovered…

I am finally me (sniffles and all)..

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Finances, LGBTQ, Life, transition, Traveling/Work .

*snork*

*sniffle*

Ah yes, allergies. Gawd, how I hate them. I just got back from San Francisco only to be hit head first by them. I know I’m not sick but just feel miserable because of my sinuses. Hopefully it’ll end by today or tomorrow. That or I’ll be investing in Sudafed for a while.

Last week went well for the most part. 99% of people I ran into got it right. Even TSA did! I was rather surprised at that. The reason was that the law changed as of Aug 15 and all airlines were required to match gender with passport, full name, etc. For some reason American Airlines didn’t put the gender down on the ticket (whether going to San Fran or coming back) but I was never questioned about it. Granted, it could be the ol’ white male privilege hitting in but who knows. Either way, I was glad I didn’t get challenged. Made life easier. I’m getting more comfortable in the washroom (as comfortable as one can get in washrooms that are dirty and often in disrepair). One colleague still needs to work on the name and gender thing. The reality is that I don’t see my colleagues except once or twice a year so mistakes are expected. The majority (about 95%) get it right and even get it right after a few drinks (LOL).

That all said, the name portion will have to definitely change since I’m going to the lawyer’s today to pick up the certified copies of my legal name change and begin the journey to get new birth certificate, new Canadian SIN (Social Insurance Number), new Canadian passport, new US VISA, new US SSN, etc.

Sigh.

Not looking forward to this. But I was frugal about the whole thing. I only cost me the basic costs (e.g., submission of name change, necessary forms, etc.). Lawyers’ fees were gratis thanks to an organization here (TDLEF). It’s amazing how much one can save on legal fees if you just look around. There are a lot of organizations that have been created (I can think of LEGIT in Ontario that helps bi-national LGBTQ couples get residency and such in Canada) to help individuals.

On the financial front, I’ve started applying to those survey sites. It’s definitely something I can do while even on the road. If I made an extra $1-2000 a year, that can either go towards surgery funds (since all of what I need done isn’t covered) or towards paying off debt (although this year I’ll be asking for a decent size raise since I haven’t had one in two years and my role has become more senior; I suspect I’m due!).

Speaking of the financial front, as of Sept 15th my Canadian Taxes will be paid off. That money will be going to one or two of the credit cards along with an extra amount to emergency fund. I still have a long haul in front of me but if I keep chipping at it, it will shrink down to near nothingness.

Like Dory from Finding Nemo says “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..”

Fall Off the Wagon.. and then tumbling down the cliff.

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Finances, Life .

Cross-posted entry from FrugalVillage.com

Ever have those huge falling off the wagon moments and then tumble off the cliff in the process? I’ve been going through that lately. I’m not sure why other than that feeling I could do it. In reality there are really only two things that will cause me to do that: deals on cigars (bad, I know!) and bicycling (good stuff!) deals. I can say that I looked for the deals and deals that were 45% or more deep as well as questioned myself repeatedly to whether I really needed it versus wanted. There were a few things I didn’t get. But it was still excess spending.

Now I will admit that having a good cigar now and again with a cold beer is relaxing. And since cigars keep it’s not a bad thing. A single box could easily last a year, especially good ones. So a few deals later and … eep. Definitely not good.

The other thing is bicycling. Now I haven’t done it in a while but a recent doctor’s visit reminded me to get off my fat ass (and yes, it’s grown 🙁 ) Reality is I did this to myself by plopping down in front of the computer, eating like I used to when I cycled 30-100 miles a day every day and then not moving at all.  Being vegan has an advantage of ensuring that even with laziness my bad cholesterol is still good (135?) but my good cholesterol is too low (36). Between my good cholesterol being too low and my blood pressure being a bit high (130/86) it’s an indication from my body that I need to move. I used to have 124/82 or thereabouts. Part of this is the testosterone I’m taking but reality is that it’s just a sign of laziness. So today I went for a 30 min ride at 5:30am. I prefer starting the day with exercise as it gets me going and gets me into a routine, something I need. And although it wasn’t a huge ride, it’s enough to get started with. I now have a simple route that I’m going to use for the next few weeks to get my cycling legs back (riding once a day 5-6 days a week).

Of course, I couldn’t find my gloves or my bike shorts so I made do but felt weird on the bike. First thing I did when I got back was order new gloves, new shorts, heart monitor and so on. It was a splurge but one thing about cycling gear is that it does last a few years. I think I misplaced my older gear and I know that most of it was when I was thinner (about 60lbs thinner).

I do admit feeling better about the cycling. And if I continue like I did in 2003-2005, I could create the same habits. For some reason my cycling depressed my urge to spend (maybe spending is a sign of depression or “blues” and ties in with eating?). So, I’m gonna try again. I know I can do this, I just have to stay focused on this and move it forward.

In other stuff, work has been kicking my butt lately (a good thing in some regards). It’s part of why I haven’t been on the forums and why I’ve been stressing so much. Hopefully once the next couple of weeks pass things should settle down some. I’m really hopeful about that and think I might even be able to ask for a raise come fall, even if it’s just a small one. I am pestering them about getting a green card so if I got a small one and a green card I’d be thrilled. I also came out at work. Coming out gay is nearly norm in many places but coming out transgendered/transsexual is a whole other ball of wax. It went really well. And to top it off, it was the same week that Chaz (formerly Chastity Bono) came out about starting his transition. Contrary to what many feel, this isn’t a “choice” but rather something that must be done to continue living.

It’s that ability to continue living that allows one to get back on the wagon, even if we’re down on the side of the cliff. I think I may be able to jump up and on to the wagon again later this week with full force and vigor.

Video Blog Entry for June 12, 2009

What’s in a name?

Posted on by Posted in Daily life .

Well, it’s been busy of late and that’s been part of why I haven’t posted recently. I’ll also admit to be being lazy these last few days as I’ve been sucked back into playing WoW. It’s actually been a fun time waster. K is visiting family for two weeks so I’m in bachelor mode. As fun as it is, I do miss K being here. It’s too quiet and I miss all the snuggles, hugs, kisses and, well.. you get the idea. Life has been pretty good this past little while. I’d say that I’m passing about 80% of the time now. And I’ve begun to use my chosen name but still need to get the official name change done. I’m still not looking forward to this because of the number of documents that I have to change: birth certificate, passport, SIN card, SSN card, credit cards, work visa, etc. I can see why there is a huge advantage to doing this early in life. Once your world footprint is out there, it’s hard to adjust it after the fact. But the sooner I start, the sooner I can finish it.

One thing that is about to change (starting August 15, 2009) that concerns me is that all government ID that is used for air travel within and into/out of the US will have to have match and full names will have to be used on all travel. For most people this isn’t an issue but identifying someone’s name, date of birth and gender does seem like a bit of an invasion of privacy. Sure, I’m certainly public about who I am but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to know it. People who come to this blog know me through one manner or another. I don’t tell strangers I’m transgendered/transsexual unless I’m outright asked and even then, it’s still my prerogative. This will effectively out me and others. Let’s be clear about something. While this is couched by the Department of Homeland Security as a method of identifying terrorists this really isn’t. It’s almost akin to security through obscurity (that is, if we hide it then it will be secure). The assumption here is that terrorists are truthful as to who they are. Names can change, birth certificates changed, etc. If you truly want to be secure, educate the populace as to what to look for; have a better foreign policy that doesn’t deliberately go out of its way to piss off others and a variety of other options.

If organizations want to be more secure, have more inspection tables and more thorough inspections. Require people to be checked-in, luggaged and in the terminal an hour before the flight leaves. Anything later should mean taking the next flight. In an information age where anyone can be anybody, it makes sense to remove that dependence on actual paper ID and rely more on the person themselves. It’s more about what a person has with them that is questionable than their identity when it comes to security overall. The only benefit to truly tracking identity is to track where people are going, assuming that their ID is valid, in an attempt to find illegal immigrants or to try to be pre-emptive (although that is nearly impossible to do unless one can read minds).

I think once I get my name changed on my passport, I will get Nexus to make my travel between Canada and the US easier. The only reasons I go between the countries is either for work or to visit family. Doing the whole custom thing over and over again is getting old. Welp, enough writing for today. Time to play. Have a great rest of the day.

Quick personal post: Buddhism and Trans Hate

Posted on by Posted in Buddhism, Gratitude, Life, transgender, transition .

I had submitted a question to Brian at Daily Buddhism about how to address hatred spewed at trans individuals. Although outside of Brian’s experience I believe he addressed it well as did the many respondents. The more I think about it, the more I believe that being open about myself and my path lessens the possibility of directed hate. Will it get rid of all hatred? No. That exists as long as people see things they don’t understand, cannot explain and don’t want to learn about (closed mind). But perhaps it will lessen for some. We live in times where people actually are far more open. I’m thankful to those that came before and suffered much in their path. And I’m hopeful that those that come after will be able to find their way — whatever path it may be — with little suffering and fear.

Transitioning on the job: win.

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude, LGBTQ, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work, Uncategorized .

This past week turned out to be far better than expected. As some of you have read, this was the first week that colleagues really saw me since before my transition began. I was very apprehensive after reading about so many who have been mocked, ridiculed, etc. when they transitioned on the job. I got the complete opposite. To the point of near tears. I am blessed for working in a company that is supportive of the person I am and am becoming. I wasn’t quite comfortable using the washroom with colleagues but have done more of that when out in public or going to airports. I get “sir’d” constantly now and even changed a few of my “points” (e.g., hotel, airline, etc.) to “Mr.” and get called that as well. Almost every night, I met up with about 4-12 of my colleagues in one room or another. We had a few drinks (it’d kill the swine flu, I tells ya); a few cigars; and a lot of war stories. I got asked a few questions, shown a lot of support and good laughter. I guess it was a form of bonding with my colleagues (many who want to do co-teaches with me, especially in Vegas — apparently they’d lied; it doesn’t stay in Vegas — LOL).

I know there are a few who probably weren’t sure of what had happened to me and aren’t too sure how to ask (they were being polite or PC, not sure which). And for those folks it may be necessary to do an email to colleagues. I think that this week I’ll be working on that email and send it out (assuming HR is ok with it). I’ll probably put a huge line at the bottom that says something along the lines that I’m ok with pretty much any question being asked to me directly but to remember that I’m not like other trans individuals and not to assume that others will answer those questions.

It was weird today. For some reason I wish I could call my mom and tell her, excitedly, about all my successes. But then I remembered I can’t. Many choices in life I do not regret .. except one: my last words to my mom two years prior to her death. It doesn’t change the fact that she was killed unnecessarily  nor does it change the history we had (both good and bad). But as I travel further down my Buddhist path, I’m becoming more aware of the power of karma (karma is neither good nor bad, it just is the effect of actions) and the importance of lessening the suffering, no matter how small, on ourselves and others.

Anyways, I do believe that I am proof of a few things. It is possible to transition on the job with little or few objections by employer, employees and customers. I am also proof, I suspect, of white privilege and specifically, male white privilege. I work in a male dominanted industry and one that is highly white dominanted (for all the wrong reasons, IMO). It is stuff like that which frustrates me since I cannot figure out how to change things (at least not just yet).  It will be interesting to see if my salary changes at the next performance review (it should — not based on gender but rather all the things I’m doing and will be doing over the next 6 months).