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Happiness Can Only Exist in Acceptance .. but whose?

Posted on June 17, 2009 by Linus Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

So this week I’m in Dallas. It’s been a decent week albeit hot. And I don’t just mean warm, I mean so hot an egg could fry on the pavement if you put it there. The food culture here is also challenging. The deep-frying of everything can be a bit much (although, if I wasn’t vegan, I’d try the deep fried Snickers; maybe if they could deep fry an oreo for me or something). I did have deep fried corn on the cob (!!?!). It did seal in the juicyness of the cob but there was nothing more to it than that. Food aside, it’s been both a good week and a bit depressing. It’s good in that I’m rock star as I teach. The students seem to be enjoying it and staying awake (heat be damned). This is always good and getting lots of questions, even in a small class, has been good. I’ve been “Ma’am” and “she’d” a little more than I’d like, however. It’s weird after going for weeks on end where I get “sir”, “mister”, etc. to be given the other gender like that. It’s almost a slap in the face as to what I do not feel comfortable in.

This is a stark contrast to last week when I felt like I was on top of the world. The variety of activities that ensued to make life seem far more exciting and safe than they do this week. I’m actually kind of concerned, given that I’m in Texas — relatively conservative compared to other places, about how others may be reacting to me and how my presence in certain areas (e.g., washroom and such) may heighten the risk to my personal safety. My students seem ok but it’s really everyone else that I have to deal with that worries me. The looks I get (and ignore for the most part) have me wondering if someone is going to try something. For all of my life I’ve never been worried about my safety until now. The more I experience this the more I want some basic surgeries to address what is still left to address.

This week has seen a continuance of the discussion of Chaz’ decision to transition. It is great in one way to have such a public figure transition but in others, it may open up more of a challenge for other trans individuals. We’ll be expected to be as open and public about our process. For me it’s not an issue but for others it may be. They  may have more of a private life that they do not want to be shared nor do they want that expectation to be shared looming over them. Additionally, Chaz startdoom is a benefit to him, even if it’s inherited. He’ll likely be treated better than the average trans individual. This will be true, IMO, on a face-to-face basis. When one is viewed from a distance a whole variety of other factors will come into play, particularly anonymity. The responses by the general public has been less than positive. If anything they have been worse than what I’ve seen against other trans individuals.

In some ways it would be nice to let the public see how a transition is and what it’s like to face discrimination, particularly when people don’t understand the reasoning behind transitioning. It’s not about what’s in society; it’s not about wanting privilege; it’s not about trying to fit in with what society accepts. It is about what is acceptable to the self and how a person views the self in regards to others. I understand why others cannot see the world as I see it and why I have this need or this coercive soul-binding draw to do what I must just as much as I cannot understand what it’s like to not have that in place. The important thing is to remember that not all of us walk the same path. Whether you call it God, Fate or just what life is we each have our own path put before us. Degrading and demeaning one of us affects us all.

As much as I would like to be accepted by society I know that will not be the answer to my ultimate soul happiness. For that, I have to accept myself as is. And try as I might, the view of what I am is very different than what I was born with (just the external parts — inside, there is a lot I like although I’m constantly improving and updating). Shouldn’t that be what our lives are about? Experiencing, learning, growing??

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Tags: blog, Chaz, Cher, FTM, LGBTQ, news, transgender, transgendered, transition, USA .

Ah, yes. I sent “THE EMAIL” today for work.

Posted on June 8, 2009 by Linus Posted in LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

It was the last stage of outing myself. I sent the email to my colleagues about name and gender. It was bound to happen and it’s the final stage of letting those around me know. It’s interesting to be so public about transitioning. It makes me wonder how well it would have been received if I wasn’t so open about me and my life path. I feel pretty lucky about who my colleagues are and the company I work for. I know I could be in a place that’s not so accepting and could make my life miserable but I’m not. I’m lucky in that my work environment is mostly home but I do venture out into the rest of the world at times as well. One of the nice effects of being open is that I have less to lose if someone “outs” me, so to speak.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would still prefer to out myself, if it is necessary, and do it on my own terms. This is especially important when I get to the stage of life that I’m stealth or just read entirely as a guy and the former tomboy of past is forgotten. But even if someone did out me, deliberately or accidentally, it’s not as impacting as someone who doesn’t want the world to know, especially if the transitioned prior to their identity being established in the greater world. This is one of the things I vacillate over: would it have been better if I had transition prior to starting life (say, while in university) or is it better to have done it when I’ve lived almost half my life? It probably would have been easier and cheaper to have done this when I was in university. I would have less IDs to change and fewer people to inform. On the flip side, doing this in the late 80s/early 90s in heavily conservative Ottawa wouldn’t have been fun — especially since I was a member of the Progressive Conservative party (yes, I was — scary, huh?). There was even less understanding and tolerance than today so my transition would have faced a lot more push-back. And I certainly wouldn’t have the protections that I have today (thanks to those brave souls who took that to task).

Doing it now means I have far more of an established life that will have to be adjusted both by those that know me and even  myself. We have habits that become ingrained and are sometimes hard to separate from. Because of that, it’s hard to not be public about my transition. Certainly some parts will always remain private just for me and my partner but a lot will be out on display. I will also have a long road ahead of me to get all the legal necessities of name and such changed. For now, name will be the priority. Surgery may be close or farther off, not sure yet. And while I may yet still face intolerance but I’m far more protected now than I would have been if I had done this 20 years ago and knowing that makes it somewhat easier to transition on the job.

In the end, I’m glad I’m doing it now. My life experiences, thus far, have helped to make me the person I am and appreciate the things that I’m not and do not want to be. It also helps me to recognize when certain things are a bit over the top and I can voice why. One of the nice pluses to finally outing myself (how apropos that I do this in June, Pride month although it might have been more fitting to do it in October on National Coming Out Day) is that I no longer have to worry about what others think about me. It’s all out there. Either you’ll be ok with it or won’t. It won’t change the person I am — I’m still the self-absorbed, lazy, geeky vegan, cigar-smokin’ twit as I was before. 😉 And if someone isn’t happy about it, there is nothing I can do. That is that’s person choice/issue to address. They can ask me all sorts of questions as to why but in the end the choice to do or not do was for me and no one else.

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Tags: blog, FTM, Life, transgender, transgendered, transition, work .

Video Blog: November 26, 2008

Posted on November 26, 2008 by Linus Posted in photo blog, transgender, transition .

Quick Thanksgiving video..

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Tags: blog, video .

Smokin’ a Hemingway for inspiration

Posted on November 9, 2008 by Linus Posted in photo blog .

I’ve been messing around with the layout a bit, trying to find a new look that will set the feel and tone of each of the blogs. I think I have something for now. Anyways, back to my “novel” writing (I’m woefully behind in my word count). Perhaps inspiration from a Hemingway Classic cigar will help me.

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Tags: blog, cigar, CIGARS .

Nov 4: Will you remember where you were?

Posted on November 4, 2008 by Linus Posted in Politics .

Today appears to be a historic day in the US. As I read through blogs, twitter message and the like, there this huge sense of pride and patriotism towards being an American and voting today — more so than any other recent point in history. It’s the first time that, potentially, a POC will be elected as a president of the US. A notable thing in itself. And even more important since it will mean somewhat of a policy shift (US politics, like many other nations, it is the wealthiest that get elected — and primarily their interests — that the political process is all about). If the polls are correct and Obama wins, he will likely be the most criticized and watched president yet. There is a lot about the US culture that has skepticism about a non-white president or other political leader. And it’s a fight against historical stereotypes.

Hopefully, regardless of who’s elected I can only hope that this election generates hope and belief in the future for the US. The past 8 years have been trying for the US and for many the future has seemed rather bleek. Regardless of the stock market, if the citizens have hope for what is to come the future tends to go better. Everything is pointing to Obama winning and if he does, it will represent a bit of a watershed as to where US politics will go. It doesn’t mean that discrimination will end nor does it mean that white privilege has stopped. But it does mean a step forward at potentially eliminating both of those.

For me, I’m hopeful that if Obama gets in, the market will shift towards a more positive outlook, that more options will be opened for those that come here looking for dreams and love, and that transgender/transsexual individuals will have more protections. Either way, this is a historic day and it definitely feels like it. I wonder if the turnout will be a record one, particularly in comparison to Canada’s recent election where only about 60% voted. At some point down the road people will ask: where did you vote in 2008 to elect… ?

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Tags: blog, dreams, election, love, Obama, Politics, poll, transgender, transgendered .

Why I blog

Posted on October 19, 2008 by Linus Posted in Life, Uncategorized .

Problogger, Darren Rowse, twittered:

Why do YOU blog?

I thought about this and realized, good question. Why do I blog? Well, some of it is to record my thoughts, opinions and such in the world. As this world becomes more and more populated it often feels like our thoughts become nothing more than a ripple in the background noise of other voices. At least here, others can hear my voice and what it has to say. A blog also allows me to record my path of transitioning and share my experience with others especially those who may also transition, whether early in life or later life. And for those friends who are far away (*waves to Rez*) they get a peak into how I’m doing and know that I’m alive and well. On the other side of it, my CigarNewbie.com blog allows me to share what it’s like to learn the art of being a cigar aficiando and enjoying that hobby.

The is also the hope that one day this might turn into something more than just a sideline but who knows. For now I’ll use it as a way to be heard, a way to share what I know and a way to learn for both me and you, the reader. So I ask YOU (if you do blog): why do YOU blog?

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Tags: blog, Life .

Transition: Both the physical and the virtual changes

Posted on October 18, 2008 by Linus Posted in Daily life, transgender .

Ah, well it’s nice to relax some and geek a bit today. I’m being totally lazy and that’s not a bad thing. I’m kinda puttering around on some work (remote stuff), having a few cigars and just chilling. I did a few errands this morning and it was nice to feel the nip in the air. The elevator was out but I just heard the ding outside the door just now for it so it must be running (of course it’s working after I’ve lugged 50lbs of groceries up — good exercise, however). Speaking of exercise, I got myself a pedometer to count my daily steps. Did you know when I teach, I walk (I pace when teaching) about 3 miles per day?! It’s about a mile each way to the subway. Wednesday, because I got lost downtown at some point, I ended up with 10 miles walked. That plus the salads are doing me good.

Today I only did 2 miles but it may be a good idea when not teaching to go for an early morning wander. I learned a few things at this past GIP and one was that I’d retain water at first (for the first few months of transitioning). This probably explains the leg swelling issue. I’ve been pretty good about staying away from pop and other caffeine and have tried to reduce my salt intake in general. In addition to the walking, I’ve been doing some regular pushups. Whenever I go to the bathroom, I use the sink to lean on and do about 20-30 pushups. Given that the amount of water has me going alot this has resulted in me doing about 100-140 pushups a day. My arms are responding and I suspect my shoulders and neck are as well. This won’t do drastic changes but should be enough to get me going in the right direction, particularly as transition continues.

On other notes, I’ve noticed since I’ve started to transition and since I’ve left B-F tech team (and have reduced my involvement because of the eerie feeling of being unwelcomed as a transguy), some people have “dropped” me as friends or have been giving me the cold shoulder. That’s fine. Seriously. Most friends I meet online are pretty much acquaintances and have little vested in me and vice-versa. There are only a handful that I would qualify as very close friends and only a couple that I would consider best friends. I know that my ability to maintain friends isn’t the best (I’m horrible at writing and calling and all that) but it isn’t because I don’t care. In fact, I do think of many friends throughout the day but many people want more than just thoughts and that I can respect. I suppose I’d expect that as time goes on and that certain people won’t see me as part of their lives because of the transition or other factors. It happens to many. Hopefully a few will stick around.

It seems to be coinciding with a general feeling that I’m getting that as a transguy (or perhaps just as me) that I’m not welcomed in certain areas. And perhaps that’s all for the good. It may be time to move on to other things and focus more on the blogs than those areas. It’s funny how transitioning can change how others react to you, even when they don’t intend for that to happen (nor do you). My core is still the same but, from a cynical point of view, the minute I’m no longer useful for something then I’m no longer needed, I guess. It feels somewhat akin to where I was after my mom died and I was given the cold shoulder by “friends” in politics. I remember meeting one friend later on (she had been close to me) and she seemed embarassed to see me. Hrmm.. maybe it is me. Either way, it’s not something that any of us should stress over. People come in and out of our lives for a purpose and perhaps mine and theirs have served their purpose for now.

For me, I need to find friends who are interested in more than just being acquaintances (both on and offline). There are some I know I’ve made a deep connection with and could visit at anytime because they are ok with who I am and how I am. And those are the ones I’ll continue to have in my life as I transition. That is part of the challenge of transitioning: how much of the old life do you shave off to ensure the new one is ok? I’ve found from what I’ve read that many transgender/transsexual individuals “end” their previous life and begin anew (so to speak). It is the concept of living in stealth. I don’t know how comfortable I am with that. I think I’d rather be open and honest as to who I was, who I am and who I will be rather than fit some ideal of what others expect me to be. And that means accepting me as I am.

This will require more thunking to do (as Pooh would say). By the way, K has asked me to stop hosting her blog. Her time is now pretty much devoted to her internship and other activities so she doesn’t have as much time online as she did in the past. Perhaps at some point in the future, she’ll start a new one. 🙂

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Tags: blog, friends, transition .

Coffee and cigars, oh where art thou, coffee and cigars??

Posted on September 24, 2008 by Linus Posted in CIGARS, Daily life, Life .

This early morning stuff has got to stop. Seriously. To make it even more fun, I don’t have enough time to enjoy a nice cigar and will probably have to wait until the weekend (maybe Friday afternoon). I’m a bit disappointed as I have some new ones I can to really test out and perhaps do a review of. This weekend suggests lots of rain so it may be a perfect one for it (although a photo shoot I was to be at last weekend was pushed over to this one so I’ll have to venture out for one day at least).

So for now I’m limited to some nice coffee (for that morning perk) and a Rocky Patel Jr., Baccarat Connie or a Macanudo Ascot. My favourite remains the Rocky Patel Jr., featuring a nice dark maduro wrapper. It has a nice flavour to it, almost a deep, rich nutty or coffee flavour, and generally takes about 45 minutes to smoke (a bit longer than my walk from the subway to home but if the weather is ok, I can linger outside enjoying it). I know all the health risks that come with smoking and certainly am respectful of laws put into place but I have to say that I feel far more relaxed after a nice smoke, particularly when I can enjoy the whole cigar down to the nub, than I do otherwise.

Life is short enough as it is. We spend the majority of it working for ourselves or others in hopes of making enough to support family and dreams, sometimes spinning our wheels due to issues outside of our control. A little luxury now and then is hardly enough to worry. We need to enjoy life and remove more of our worries. George Burns, well known for his cigar smoking, smoked upwards of 10-to-15 cigars a day! And he was booked right up to his 100th birthday (he lived to be 100 plus a couple of months).

I’ve come to the conclusion that while food, alcohol and exercise are all factors the ultimate item that helps one’s longevity on this planet is happiness. And I think with the way my life has been shaping up lately, we’ll have to have the fire department on hand at some point to deal with all the candles on the birthday cake.

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Tags: baccarat, blog, CIGARS, coffee, Life, macanudo, personal blog, rocky patel .

Transgender: Stealth? Ya, not for me.

Posted on September 20, 2008 by admin Posted in transgender .

You know, I was once told that I’d probably want to be stealth at some point in my transition because.. well.. it’s too dangerous and can ensure you lose your job, friends and family. Thus far, it hasn’t happened (although, I haven’t fully come out at work — that will come soon I suspect). If anything, people have been supportive and have been understanding. I’m sure some might be thinking that my time thus far in the US has clouded my vision or brainwashed me into doing this. That isn’t the case. It was more a case of something else. Not quite ignorance was bliss but rather misery. Choosing this path isn’t easy nor cheap but it is making me happy so that’s good.

It’s hard to fathom when companies and government organizations deny transgender individuals positions or fire them after learning about their transgender status (like Diane Schroer or Susan Stanton or Julia Yoo). With these kinds of stories, it’s not surprising how many transgendered individuals go stealth and why. Most, as far as I know, want nothing more than to have a family, be part of the community, make a difference and work for a living (unless a lottery win comes in). There is nothing different about these people other than they have taken the opportunity to present their true selves to the world. They are still able to do the job that they have done or want to do much like they have would otherwise.

But perhaps what holds us back is the fact that we have gone stealth and because of that, have made the idea of transgenderism to be a taboo thought rather than part of life. Society is being built on FUD — fear, uncertainty and doubt. People want re-assurances that life is ok and that life is good. Unfortunately, the media feeds heavily into their fear of the unknown and they assume that anything unknown must therefore be bad. So let’s address some of the myths:

1. All transgendered individuals, particularly MTFs, are pedophiles. *BUZZ* wrong. Most pedophiles are male and only 3% of all attackers are strangers. The rest of known. MTFs are WOMEN. PERIOD. (Facts obtained from here). Transgendered individuals are not “sick” or “sex crazed” or whatever misconception the media puts forth. Many are trying to ensure that how they view themselves is seen by the rest of the world. It’s interesting that when someone, particularly white, upper class, celebrity type, gets surgery done to alter one body part or another it’s considered a great thing. Quite often this is done for nothing more than money and media attention. A transgendered person is doing it for their well-being.

2. How will I deal with washroom issues? Uh.. not YOUR problem. Similar to point 1 (and again, it seems to be mostly MTFs that have to deal with this kind of hatred), it’s fear being used. Just like you a transgendered person sometimes just has to GO, ya know? This problem would be solved if there was more unisex or non-gendered washrooms available. I mean, at your house, do you separate out male and female washrooms? It won’t be the cisgendered person that will face an attack but the transgendered person because he or she is different. Because the media has again built up a fear for women about things different society freaks out at this particular issue.

3. You’re different now! Not quite. While the physical appearance has and is changing, the core of the person is still there. What made them funny, great, intelligent, loving, etc. is all still there. What will change is how YOU react to the transgendered individual as they become their gender. The challenge with this is that we do have preconceived notions as to what is male and female (and even moreso when we include things like religion, culture, race, etc.). If we could let go of those just a little bit it may not be as bad.

4. Ewww! Why would you do that and become a freak? I do believe that many of my MTF sisters are getting hit harder with the hatred and discrimination than my FTM brothers and there is a reason that was suggested to me a while ago that does make sense. Women are viewed as “weaker” and “less desirable” in the societal sense. So the question becomes “why would someone want to become a woman” and lose privilege. It’s understandable for an FTM because they will gain privilege (but only if white — if black or other POC they will lose privilege and likely be targeted more). This isn’t about becoming a freak but rather becoming whole and human.

So that all said, perhaps it’s time we stopped being quiet and let people know. It is a hard enough challenge to transition but perhaps we have to take on just one more challenge and get society to change with us. Until we show people all of who we are — and that there is far more to us than a pretty or handsome face — society will continue to believe the FUD that comes with being transgendered. I, for one, won’t be silent. To help me through the worst I remind myself of a quote from The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, M.D.:

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths.* It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult–once we truly understand and accept it–then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

[*The first of the ‘Four Noble Truths’ which Buddha taught was ‘Life is suffering.’]

Maybe it isn’t that hard after all, eh?

7 Comments .
Tags: America, blog, FTM, MTF, personal blog, transgendered, work .

OUCH! (or what not to do with self-inflected wounds)

Posted on September 19, 2008 by admin Posted in transgender .

Ok. Not that serious of a wound but sticking oneself with a needle ain’t fun. For a transgendered person, however, it’s a necessity for life if you don’t want to do regular visits to the doctor more than you have to (especially in the US where you’re dinged for every little thing). For someone like me, who’s on the road a lot, being able to self-inflict.. errr.. self-administer shots is critical. Here are a few things NOT to do after injection:

1. Leg lunges. I do my shots in my quads, one of the larger muscles out there.  Contracting and relaxing the muscle with additional weights ain’t fun.

2. Sitting for long periods. Particularly true for those that get “rear-ended” for their shots. A World of Warcraft binge may not be a good thing. Neither would a long spanking session with your Dom/Master (then again, it might still be a good thing).

3. Furrkids or kids on laps. While it’s great to play “horsey” it’s gonna hurt. Bobcat ain’t no spring chicken, ya know??

4. Avoid sleeping on the side that the shot was given on. I tend to sleep on my side and, unfortunately, I did my most recent shot on my left side, which I tend to sleep on. Some ice has helped but avoiding pressure on it will ensure I can sleep through the night.

The standard stuff to reduce pain, in general, is:

– before actually doing the shot, find a distraction. Watch TV, listen the radio, etc. This may not be the best when you’re first starting out but as you become used to the procedure it may be one way to not make it so.

– after the shot, a cold compress should address any swelling

– simple movements like a nice, leisurely walk can help keep blood flowing and let your body heal on it’s own

– exercise regularly, especially for FTMs where the shot is intramuscular. While spot exercising shouldn’t be the main way you exercise, it can be used to strengthen the muscle you will be injecting (I find that my right leg has less pain than my left and, not surprisingly, it is the stronger of the two).

Just because this has to be part of our lives doesn’t mean it has to ruin it. We have the ultimate joy of building ourselves the way we want to. It just can be a little painful along the way — and perhaps we need to grin and bear it. And mumble a little “OUCH!” now and again.

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Tags: blog, FTM, hormones, injection, personal blog, shot, transgender .
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