Another course taught and I’m off on my way home tomorrow. It’s going to be so nice to be home again. I have a huge desire to play my Wii, cuddle lots and just enjoy life. So often when I’m on the road there’s an emptiness to the hotel rooms and a coldness in it, even when I have the heat turned up. The staff are extremely friendly and helpful. And I learn a lot about what makes this country so fascinating and unique.
But it’s still empty and cold. I wish I could take K with me. It’d be like when we first we dating across the border. It is that sense of fun and adventure that made the whole thing special. I know I’ll be home tomorrow but it definitely feels like it’s not soon enough. I’m beginning to wonder if some of this wanting to be home is the fact that with K, I’m constantly being referred to how I want to be. Out in the “real world” I’m seen partially as I want to be seen. While it’s better than it was, it is still frustrating that I’m not 100% passing all the time. When I contemplate what the past in regards to transitioning I can honestly say that I’m glad I can transition now compared to if I had tried it say 10-20 years ago. Since it’s harder for me to transition without medical assistance, if I had tried to do this years ago I would have been required to live as a guy without medical assistance. That, however, would have created the proverbial catch-22 and I would have never been able to move forward in life to the path that I want and need to go down.
I contemplated the other day whether it’s easier to transition than before — and to some degree it is. There is better understanding of gender dysphoria and more acceptance of it. And because of this, there is less anxiety, less depression and more acceptance of a person’s own identity. Because we are able to accept ourselves, then we can move forward and so begins a cycle of positive. I had always understood that a postive attitude makes a difference in our own well-being but never realized how much a belief in the person we are and a confidence in who we are made a difference. Most of society ties into this with religious faith and belief but for many of us, that isn’t an avenue that is welcoming or a place where we belong. Being comfortable within our own skin is such a profound experience that it’s hard to explain to others who have always felt this way. When you’ve grown up and subconciously never felt comfortable in the body you were born into and then, were forced to endure society’s gender presentation and perception, finally experiencing the gender you should have been born into is a huge relief. As I listened to one trans-woman’s comments today, it is pure happiness. Yes, I could bore you with endless comments about how happy I am but I cannot express enough how happy I am and how comfortable I feel.
I won’t deny how scary it is. I’m just finishing my visit here to Kansas City, which is part of the infamous Bible Belt of the US. K was truly concerned about me being in this ultra-conservative area of the US and I have to admit that I was a bit nervous at times. But I didn’t shave my neck hair until last night (although I kept the sparse goatee on my chin). To date, no one — NOT ONE SINGLE STUDENT — has commented on it yet. I’ve passed often on the phone and will pass often in person when I don’t speak but I suspect that will become more and more 100% on all fronts in the next few months. And if I could ever get top surgery, that would be the ultimate resolution to my life and the challenges I face. As I’ve learned, as scary as it is to come out to others, it’s an incredible life lesson that reminds us how we cannot control how others feel about us or how they react to us. We can and are only in control of ourselves and what we do as individuals. We will not be remembered by how others react to us but by the things we do and what actions we do to help others.
I asked in my poll this month as to whether the future looked promising. I asked this at a time when the economy was very scary and still remains so. But there is a glimmer of hope in the economy and I suspect that things will start to turn around. I know for me that things look very promising for next year as I transition more and more. My cigar is picking up as I recently got an email by someone who wants to advertise on it (I’m going to trade ad space for some cigars which I can do reviews and freebies with). I believe the company will get a more permanent solution to have me stay in the US. And I believe and know that life is just beginning with K.
Maybe it’s not transitioning to a gender of choice but more to a life of happiness.