Going beyond transition

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Transitioning to a life of happiness.

Posted on December 11, 2008 by Linus Posted in transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

Enjoying a cigar in the brisk airAnother course taught and I’m off on my way home tomorrow. It’s going to be so nice to be home again. I have a huge desire to play my Wii, cuddle lots and just enjoy life. So often when I’m on the road there’s an emptiness to the hotel rooms and a coldness in it, even when I have the heat turned up. The staff are extremely friendly and helpful. And I learn a lot about what makes this country so fascinating and unique.

But it’s still empty and cold. I wish I could take K with me. It’d be like when we first we dating across the border. It is that sense of fun and adventure that made the whole thing special. I know I’ll be home tomorrow but it definitely feels like it’s not soon enough. I’m beginning to wonder if some of this wanting to be home is the fact that with K, I’m constantly being referred to how I want to be. Out in the “real world” I’m seen partially as I want to be seen. While it’s better than it was, it is still frustrating that I’m not 100% passing all the time. When I contemplate what the past in regards to transitioning I can honestly say that I’m glad I can transition now compared to if I had tried it say 10-20 years ago. Since it’s harder for me to transition without medical assistance, if I had tried to do this years ago I would have been required to live as a guy without medical assistance. That, however, would have created the proverbial catch-22 and I would have never been able to move forward in life to the path that I want and need to go down.

I contemplated the other day whether it’s easier to transition than before — and to some degree it is. There is better understanding of gender dysphoria and more acceptance of it. And because of this, there is less anxiety, less depression and more acceptance of a person’s own identity. Because we are able to accept ourselves, then we can move forward and so begins a cycle of positive. I had always understood that a postive attitude makes a difference in our own well-being but never realized how much a belief in the person we are and a confidence in who we are made a difference. Most of society ties into this with religious faith and belief but for many of us, that isn’t an avenue that is welcoming or a place where we belong. Being comfortable within our own skin is such a profound experience that it’s hard to explain to others who have always felt this way. When you’ve grown up and subconciously never felt comfortable in the body you were born into and then, were forced to endure society’s gender presentation and perception, finally experiencing the gender you should have been born into is a huge relief. As I listened to one trans-woman’s comments today, it is pure happiness. Yes, I could bore you with endless comments about how happy I am but I cannot express enough how happy I am and how comfortable I feel.

I won’t deny how scary it is. I’m just finishing my visit here to Kansas City, which is part of the infamous Bible Belt of the US. K was truly concerned about me being in this ultra-conservative area of the US and I have to admit that I was a bit nervous at times. But I didn’t shave my neck hair until last night (although I kept the sparse goatee on my chin). To date, no one — NOT ONE SINGLE STUDENT — has commented on it yet. I’ve passed often on the phone and will pass often in person when I don’t speak but I suspect that will become more and more 100% on all fronts in the next few months. And if I could ever get top surgery, that would be the ultimate resolution to my life and the challenges I face. As I’ve learned, as scary as it is to come out to others, it’s an incredible life lesson that reminds us how we cannot control how others feel about us or how they react to us. We can and are only in control of ourselves and what we do as individuals. We will not be remembered by how others react to us but by the things we do and what actions we do to help others.

I asked in my poll this month as to whether the future looked promising. I asked this at a time when the economy was very scary and still remains so. But there is a glimmer of hope in the economy and I suspect that things will start to turn around. I know for me that things look very promising for next year as I transition more and more. My cigar is picking up as I recently got an email by someone who wants to advertise on it (I’m going to trade ad space for some cigars which I can do reviews and freebies with). I believe the company will get a more permanent solution to have me stay in the US. And I believe and know that life is just beginning with K.

Maybe it’s not transitioning to a gender of choice but more to a life of happiness.

5 Comments
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5 Responses

  1. Plump says
    December 12, 2008 at 4:16 am

    I love you just the way you are Syr! It is transitioning to a life of happiness! I can’t possibly know what its like to be transitioning, the only thing I can relate it to is the fact that I Have always been a skinny girl in a plump girls body. I know once I lose weight I will be that much happier. (if that was a bad comparison you can beat me up) My point is I understand being something you don’t really feel you are, and to have the opportunity to be what you want to be is awesome! I get the missing home stuff too…it will all be ok, cause guess what? By the time you read this you will probably be home. Love always, Marian (your twitter buddy)

    Plump’s last blog post..Economic Hell!!!

  2. Kristen says
    December 12, 2008 at 6:08 am

    I wasn’t so much concerned about you being in a conservative area (you’d be surprised how nice people can be). I was more worried about the Bible Belt nut jobs. It only takes one person to fuck up something. Most people are so sweet. What I wonder is how much support you’d get if that one person really did try to fuck with you. Plus!!! You don’t have a built in “healthy-paranoia,” self-protection awareness. Don’t argue; you know it’s true. Lol. 😉 I love you, Baby. I just get nervous when I’m not around to make sure you’re okay. Yes, you can take care of yourself…I know…whatever. I just worry. :-*

  3. Linus says
    December 12, 2008 at 9:12 am

    Marian: LOL. Actually, I did get to read it before leaving this morning but it was a nice way to start the day. And the comparison, to me, makes sense. My previous life was always as a fat girl. I don’t know if I ever would have looked good as a skinny girl or if I was meant to be skinny but I do know that I’m perfect as a “fluffy” guy and I’m ok with being “fluffy”.

    K: I didn’t run into many nut jobs but it was interesting that when I talked about you, people kinda clammed up. So I think they were being polite and not saying what they thought of me. *shrug*

    And I’m not as helpless as you think. I’m actually a lot more aware than most people know. But it’s nice that someone is concerned about me as I run amok around the country. 🙂 Love you and see you tonight. 🙂

  4. Véronique says
    December 12, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    That was so sweet to put in a link to my blog! Yeah, it’s great to be happy, but not many people want to hear about it, and I can’t blame them. 🙂

    I’m glad you have made it through your trip safely. You might want to write to the KCI administration and tell them not to starve people waiting at the gates!

    Véronique’s last blog post..Fresh hair

  5. Sublimefemme says
    December 12, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    I just finished the last week of classes too! Now Ijust have all those finals to give and grade.

    I wonder, do you find the climate to be less welcoming in the US than Canada? (You’re from Toronto, right?)

    Enjoy your time at home!

    Sublimefemme’s last blog post..Bettie Page: In Memoriam

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