Ah, well it’s nice to relax some and geek a bit today. I’m being totally lazy and that’s not a bad thing. I’m kinda puttering around on some work (remote stuff), having a few cigars and just chilling. I did a few errands this morning and it was nice to feel the nip in the air. The elevator was out but I just heard the ding outside the door just now for it so it must be running (of course it’s working after I’ve lugged 50lbs of groceries up — good exercise, however). Speaking of exercise, I got myself a pedometer to count my daily steps. Did you know when I teach, I walk (I pace when teaching) about 3 miles per day?! It’s about a mile each way to the subway. Wednesday, because I got lost downtown at some point, I ended up with 10 miles walked. That plus the salads are doing me good.
Today I only did 2 miles but it may be a good idea when not teaching to go for an early morning wander. I learned a few things at this past GIP and one was that I’d retain water at first (for the first few months of transitioning). This probably explains the leg swelling issue. I’ve been pretty good about staying away from pop and other caffeine and have tried to reduce my salt intake in general. In addition to the walking, I’ve been doing some regular pushups. Whenever I go to the bathroom, I use the sink to lean on and do about 20-30 pushups. Given that the amount of water has me going alot this has resulted in me doing about 100-140 pushups a day. My arms are responding and I suspect my shoulders and neck are as well. This won’t do drastic changes but should be enough to get me going in the right direction, particularly as transition continues.
On other notes, I’ve noticed since I’ve started to transition and since I’ve left B-F tech team (and have reduced my involvement because of the eerie feeling of being unwelcomed as a transguy), some people have “dropped” me as friends or have been giving me the cold shoulder. That’s fine. Seriously. Most friends I meet online are pretty much acquaintances and have little vested in me and vice-versa. There are only a handful that I would qualify as very close friends and only a couple that I would consider best friends. I know that my ability to maintain friends isn’t the best (I’m horrible at writing and calling and all that) but it isn’t because I don’t care. In fact, I do think of many friends throughout the day but many people want more than just thoughts and that I can respect. I suppose I’d expect that as time goes on and that certain people won’t see me as part of their lives because of the transition or other factors. It happens to many. Hopefully a few will stick around.
It seems to be coinciding with a general feeling that I’m getting that as a transguy (or perhaps just as me) that I’m not welcomed in certain areas. And perhaps that’s all for the good. It may be time to move on to other things and focus more on the blogs than those areas. It’s funny how transitioning can change how others react to you, even when they don’t intend for that to happen (nor do you). My core is still the same but, from a cynical point of view, the minute I’m no longer useful for something then I’m no longer needed, I guess. It feels somewhat akin to where I was after my mom died and I was given the cold shoulder by “friends” in politics. I remember meeting one friend later on (she had been close to me) and she seemed embarassed to see me. Hrmm.. maybe it is me. Either way, it’s not something that any of us should stress over. People come in and out of our lives for a purpose and perhaps mine and theirs have served their purpose for now.
For me, I need to find friends who are interested in more than just being acquaintances (both on and offline). There are some I know I’ve made a deep connection with and could visit at anytime because they are ok with who I am and how I am. And those are the ones I’ll continue to have in my life as I transition. That is part of the challenge of transitioning: how much of the old life do you shave off to ensure the new one is ok? I’ve found from what I’ve read that many transgender/transsexual individuals “end” their previous life and begin anew (so to speak). It is the concept of living in stealth. I don’t know how comfortable I am with that. I think I’d rather be open and honest as to who I was, who I am and who I will be rather than fit some ideal of what others expect me to be. And that means accepting me as I am.
This will require more thunking to do (as Pooh would say). By the way, K has asked me to stop hosting her blog. Her time is now pretty much devoted to her internship and other activities so she doesn’t have as much time online as she did in the past. Perhaps at some point in the future, she’ll start a new one. 🙂