Going beyond transition

Monthly Archives: March 2010

Lordy, Lordy.. Look who’s 40!

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude, Life .

The Birthday Boi

Heh. Who knew, eh? Yesterday I was miserable. I lost internet access for pretty much the whole day (from 8am to about 10pm). This was thanks to Ma Nature and the Rains. Lots of rains. So much rain, in fact, that the interwebs “signals were lost”. The geek in me hears this and goes “Whut?”. It’s not like we’re doing morse code or something. To make it worse, they had no clue as to when the “signals” would return. I’ve now realized that’s just code for “Once the rain stops, then all will be good”.

Morons.

At least it seems back and stable now. As it happens, I’m teaching this week (well, couldn’t do it yesterday so will teach today and the rest of the week at least). And, to be honest, turning 40 really isn’t, in many ways, different than any other year. I figure I’m about half-way through life now and that’s fine. I look back at the first 40 and they have been interesting. Some things I wish I didn’t do, some things I wish I had done sooner and somethings I’m glad I did do. And I don’t regret any decisions in life. All those decisions brought me to the place I’m at  in the here-and-now.

There are times when I feel I miss out on family and seem to crave that kind of closeness but I know that I need only to pick up the phone and call them to see how they are doing. Perhaps sticky notes to remind myself as I honestly forget. I had actually hoped to have a birthday party (I haven’t had one since I turned 21) but since so many of my friends and family are in Canada (gosh! My Facebook wall exploded!) it’d be hard to do. Perhaps my 50th we’ll plan a big too-do or something. It is nice, however, to be remembered and I am thankful for that. For me, to be honest, it’s never been about the presents or cakes or anything like that. It has always been about the memories I can forge with friends, family and loved ones. Those are things I can always hold on to no matter where I am in life.

This year is going to be a gangbuster year, I can tell. I’ve made some serious headway on finances; I’ll be decluttering and de-materializing (no, no.. not a transporter thing; just getting rid of “things” and “stuff”) as part of the move to California (still looking like late June/late July); getting my driver’s license (in California); getting new work visa (?) to stay longer and work towards a green card; and so on.  Right now, I can honestly say that things feel right. I’m feeling whole (well, nearly whole — I still want to get necessary surgeries) but to feel so completely at one with one’s self is a novel feeling for me. And to feel it for the last couple of years, a blessing.

While I do miss talking (the little we did) with my dad, I’m very grateful for all the others who have come into my life.

So thank you, readers, friends, family alike, for letting me be me and for making my world this wonderful adventure!

Here’s to another 40 or more!

Who knew Monday’s could be good?

Posted on by Posted in Finances, Life, trans activism, transgender, transition .

So this weekend was good. I had originally planned on going for nice long walks on Saturday and Sunday but had nearly forgotten about my H&R Block appointment on Saturday. Geesh! Where does the time go?? It is that time of the year again, tax time. I figured I’d get some back and H&R Block are pretty good about reminding me about things I can cover as expenses and such. I owe a small amount to NYC for city taxes (only because the company didn’t realize I was in NYC area and thus, taxed under it). But it’s really small. Between what I get back from the Feds and what I owe for NYC and paid towards H&R, I’ll get back a fair amount. Additionally, after discussing it with my preparer I may have held back more money from my stocks than I needed to. If I’m right, between the return and the difference another credit card may yet bite the bullet. Even if I don’t use that amount, nearly a third will go *poof* thanks to the Federal return. Paying off this particular credit card will be important since the interest rate is 29%!! It’s absurd how much they can charge in interest. Heck, loan sharks seem to charge less in some regards. Once this one is done, then I’ll go after the remaining credit card and then, lastly, the line of credit (which has the lowest interest of anything I have). I’m contemplating canceling two Canadian credit cards (Amex and Visa) since I have ones down here but I may keep the Visa and just trash the Mastercard. They give me the most grief since I don’t have a Canadian address any more.

And as always, I checked my FICO score in both Canada and the US. I do this for two reasons: first, to see if there are an discrepancies between the reality of me and what they think I have, and second, to see how I fair out there. My Canadian FICO is actually good (mid-700s) while my US FICO is a little low (mid-600s) but I think the lower US score is due to only being here for two years. I’m sure as time passes that will get better and better. My plan to get a house is more realistic as each day passes. I’ve been better about my spending and this will alleviate some of it. If I continue as I have been, I should be credit card and line of credit debt free by this time in 2012. And that is definitely a good thing.

As I was writing this entry, I went ahead and canceled my Canadian AMEX. It was surprisingly easy. They even had it as part of their automated telephone system. It was weird, however, since I was hoping to speak to them and have to battle to get it canceled. But I suspect the major ones, especially if you don’t use it that often or if it’s paid off, are not really interested in fighting you for it. Ever since I took that leap and paid off most of my debt, I’ve felt free and more alive. It’s a great feeling. Getting rid of it completely will be awesome.

After doing that, I got a call. It was CNN. I finally did that interview with the intern. It was nice and very polite conversation. It’ll be interesting to see the final piece. He said it’ll be by the end of the week or sometime next week. (knowing news media it’s possible that it could be pre-empted by some disaster somewhere and that’s fine). I’ll give credit to CNN that they are, at least, attempting to put us more in the spotlight and not as some freak show. They seem genuinely interested in who we are and how we got to where we’re at. I still think they need to cover more of the rainbow of the types of trans individuals and not just the white side of things. What I face as challenges are far, far different than what POC trans individuals face. That I have no illusions about and I mentioned that as well.

Moar I iz famous.

Posted on by Posted in Life, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I really need to remember to bring my phone with me when I go out. K keeps reminding me to do this. I should have but forgot.

Class had finished early so I thought I’d go out for a walk given the nice weather. I haven’t left the apartment in about a week and it was nice to stretch my legs and get out for a few hours. I had to get more yarn (yes, I’m a man who crochets… don’t all gasp in horror at once). I was going to get my haircut but I’ll hold off on that until Sunday (I’ve become rather shaggy and this warm weather hasn’t helped). I’m also going to visit the optometrist as it’s been a couple of years since my last exam and I’m finding that watching TV has been hard (the fuzziness). So it’s a needed expense that I have to do.

After walking around for about three hours, I came back to relax and follow up on some work that I had to do. I decided to call K in Los Angeles and noticed that there was a voice mail waiting. I listened to it and it was an intern from CNN wanting to talk to me about my transition.

<insert jaw drop here>

Wow.

Who knew that 3 simple pictures would make such a difference?

I called back and left a message. As it happens, I’m doing the same course next week as I did this week which means long hours (9am until 7pm) but since it’s a co-teach I might be able to call during lunch or while my co-instructor is teaching. We’ll see what happens but needless to say, it’s all rather exciting to be contact by the media for something positive than my last experience. (My last direct interaction with the media was a reporter asking me how I felt about my mom being brutally murdered. It was one of those “You aren’t seriously asking me that, are you??!”).

If I get a follow-up, I’ll definitely update here.

Stay tuned!

Much closer to my financial goal…

Posted on by Posted in Finances, Life, transition .

Last week I took a huge step and cashed in a whack of stock. This morning, I woke up to the proceeds of that. I took a chunk of it and sent it off to an ING Direct account (for tax payment later on). The rest I used to pay off 4 credit cards, the majority of my line of credit and huge payments on remaining credit cards (2). It is nice to be free of about 60% in a few minutes. And more importantly, the interest that would have accumulated with it and the stress that comes with that. I quick but not wholly accurate estimate is that I saved about $10K in interest alone.

Yes.

That’s thousand.

That’s the cost of top surgery. What is nice about this is my line of credit (which has the lowest of all interest rates — prime + 1%) , once it’s paid off, could be used to fund my top surgery. So the goal will be to lose 60-80lbs between now and 2011 (this year has too many things going on) and schedule with — Browstein in San Francisco. I’m pretty sure we’ll be in California by then and I should be able to schedule this finally. It’s something I want before the bike trip from San Fran to L.A. K and I had talked about this as part of the immediate two year plan for us.

But the other thing that this brings is me closer to the ownership of a house. This is something that I’ve wanted for a long while. I want to own my own place. Not for investment purposes but more for settling down and creating a history for myself. I want roots somewhere. I’ve spent most of my life on the move and being able to be in one place and being content there is important to me. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind the mortgage (although I want to reduce that as soon as possible). I just don’t want to be constantly on the move and constantly at the whim of a landlord.

I iz famous!

Posted on by Posted in Finances, LGBTQ, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

So I’ve had a busy week. I got my 2nd 15 minutes of fame in my life (my first was when my mom died and some friends did a wine and cheese to raise awareness about violence against women in Canada). This week CNN has been doing a few pieces on what it’s like to be transgendered/transsexual and they wanted members of the community to transmit messages to the world at large. Yesterday I got a ping from one of the editors who wanted more info about me (including phone number). As it turned out my iReport was used as the main iReport for the overall concept (see here: http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=417959). It’s rather flattering. I checked out Anderson Cooper’s interview with Chaz and some of the responses/comments to it. Most people seemed to be saying “Why? I don’t understand..”.

Possibly the only way I know how to answer that is with a question: Explain to me what it’s like to feel completely at home in your gender, where looking in the mirror you think to yourself “Yup. That’s me”.  It’s odd that this is something that has always been part of my life, like a dull migraine in the back of my head but one that I never really examined until I saw that perhaps there was a way to get rid of it. And when I understood that there was a variety of paths I could take, including on that might actually result in me seeing the “inner me”, it was time for a jump. I have not regretted any part of my transition thus far and I still have more to go, along with the challenges associated with them. One of the biggest is surgery. I so desperately want top surgery and I’d like to get it before going on my bike trip next year.

So to that end, I cashed in some stock that I got as a bonus (the government took it’s overly fair share) and the rest will go to wiping out nearly 60-70% of my debt in one fell swoop. I still have more shares left over and those I might use towards surgery itself if I cannot get it covered under health insurance. I’m waiting until I get to L.A. and there I will be aggressively aiming at losing weight. I’ve fluctuated at losing about 10 lbs but I need to shed more. I have to bring myself down by nearly another 90lbs. I’ve let the exercise go by the wayside because of a few life challenges but will be trying to incorporate those again. I’ll also be looking at pursuing a more raw vegan lifestyle.

K and I discussed the move the other night and we decided to sell or donate all larger items (except for the printer, bikes and humidors) or stuff we don’t need. Books and non-critical stuff we’ll send via USPS while critical or sensitive stuff we’ll send via UPS. This makes only Bobcat the issue when moving (she won’t like it but hopefully this will be the last plane trip for her). Once we’re in L.A. we get furniture there. I’ll be selling my Dell desktop and I’ll get a new personal desktop when I’m in L.A. (likely go Apple but not sure yet as to whether to get a Tower or a Mac Book Pro). The thing that I like is that it removes my attachment to things and allows me to purge the things I really don’t use/need. This should, theoretically, make life simplier. As I look around I realize there is a lot of clutter in my life and things I really don’t need. I’ve gotten better at asking myself “Do you really need that? Wait a night or two before buying it, if at all possible”.  Books, in particular, fall under this category. I LOVE to read and I LOVE to learn. Books, for me, have always been the avenue for this. Most of the books I tend to keep are technical books since I tend to use them as reference (I have a heard time reading on my laptop or other computer screen although I’m ok on my iPod — go figure).

Of course, tied in with this stress over the move (exact date TBD) is the stress over the work visa. And it appears I may be getting a new one. This new one should lead me to a green card and then, well… who knows. If we get just get the visa part settled, it would alleviate a lot. Add to that the wait for the new birth certificate. Now that I’ve settled all the uproar over what commissioner they wanted (a commission of oaths), I’m now waiting for the actual certificate to come through. Then I can move forward on a SIN and then — yay! — new passport with a new picture! Gender will still be F for now. Until I have surgery, I cannot get that changed. Once I do have the surgery, I get to go through this all over again…

Whoop.

Dee.

Doo.

CNN iReport and A Message To..

Posted on by Posted in LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

So I recently got an email that piqued my egotistical interest:

Hi there,

Since you previously contributed to our Transgendered Stories assignment on CNN iReport, I thought you’d like to know about a new assignment that just launched. To coincide with the CNN documentary “Her Name Was Steven,” we’re looking for transgendered, transsexual or questioning individuals to share a message with the world. What would you like others to know about you and your experience?

The assignment is simple: Just put a message that you would like others to know about you on a sign and take a self-portrait holding it up.

You can find the assignment here: http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=417959

We’re accepting submissions until April 9. Please feel free to pass the word along! We look forward to seeing your submissions.

Best,

Katie Hawkins-Gaar

p.s. “Her Name Was Steven” airs on CNN this Saturday and Sunday at 8 and 11 p.m. ET. You can find out more here: http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/presents/

Hrmm. Sending a message out to others to let them know what they should know about me, eh? Very intriguing. And how to do it in a few words, no more than a sentence or two? Well, I came up with 3 different messages. You can see the posting on CNN iReport section here and I’ve posted the larger ones below. In some ways, this feels akin to “Ask a Trans” kind of threads and videos I’ve seen elsewhere. And perhaps in a larger, more mainstreamy way it is. My last video on there was actually well received. I think, for the most part, people are nice and kind. But we rarely remember those.

Our minds would rather burn in the painful, angry, hateful ones and forget the ones that show love and affection. It’ll be interesting to see how it’s received. I have no illusions that appearing hetero-normative and being a white male is a benefit to me. Nay, it’s a privilege that I will never shake.

I've always wondered what people saw..

Are you sure you know what you see?

Yes, for real. I am.

Video Blog Entry: March 6, 2010

Posted on by Posted in Uncategorized .

I realized after I posted the video that I got the years wrong. My planned trip of San Fran to L.A. will be 2011 while Vancouver to L.A. is slated for 2012 (assuming the world doesn’t end 😉 )