Going beyond transition

Monthly Archives: July 2009

Reflections after vacation

Posted on by Posted in Life .

“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” — James Dean (1931-1955)

Self Portrait, July 2009

Self Portrait, July 2009

Sometimes, when we go on vacation, we get to see how we could live. Through the eyes of friends and family we become part of their lives and how they live. As much as I enjoy large cities for all the variety, I’m finding more and more that the call to smaller cities or towns has an appeal. Being an unknown in a large city is ok but being part of something more personal, often something that can be achieved on the smaller scale is something that I do think society needs to move back towards. During my stay in Halifax last week for my aunt’s wedding, I finished U-Turn: What If You Woke Up One Morning and Realized You Were Living the Wrong Life? It was interesting to read as it highlights what, I suspect, many late bloom trans individuals go through. One of the things that Bruce Griersen identified is that what appears as a U-turn may, in fact, not be a u-turn but rather the actualization of an existing point of view.

The thing that changes it from what exists in dreams to reality can be anything from the smallest incident to a major stressor (often, major stress factors are identified as catalysts to moving forward with dreams). I think for me I’ve always wanted to live a simplier life, one without TV (or limited TV), more interaction with others, simplier life habits and living closer off the land. I’m not foolish enough to think that it’ll be the ultimate solution to life’s challenges but I found I’m more relaxed and more centered with life. We spent nearly a week in Halifax and more specifically, in Jollymore/Purcell’s Cove where my aunt and now-uncle live. I would need a driver’s license (I’m finding more and more I do need one now so perhaps it’s time to get one) but I could live with that if it gives our family a better sense of family, connection, etc.

One of the things I like is that you and your neighbours have to get to know each other, partially for survival and partially because of being courteous, particularly in Canada. Part of me would love to be in Nova Scotia but even moving to the coast of B.C. (say, near Vancouver since I need to be somewhat near an airport) would be great. B.C., in particular, would be nice given their support of GRS as part of their health program. I sorta wish there was some kind of support for health care for Canadians who live just over the border or something (I understand the why nots and such — makes sense). If we had to stay in the US, Washington State or Oregon would good alternative areas. As much as California appeals to me, the reality is that it’s too expensive to buy a house in unless my salary doubles overnight or something. Although, as I write this, I did a quick search and it seems that the average for housing in many areas are too high (most areas seem to be around the $400K and higher range along the west coast although Oregon was cheaper as it was in the $300K range).

For now it’s a dream but we will, at some point, find an area to settle down in and make those dreams reality. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy life as is and continue with the flow. Thus far, it’s been pretty good. I’ll probably have some more thoughts to add once I’m back home. I actually on the road this week and it’ll be nice to finally be back. I’m sure Bobcat will be thrilled to have one of us home for a bit.

Everyday People

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Life, transgender, transition .

Sometimes I’m right, but I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the baker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in

I am everyday people
Yeah, yeah

There is a blue one who can’t accept the green one
For living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on, and so on and scooby-dooby-doo

Ah yes. Sly and the Family Stone. As I was riding the elevator up to the apartment with freshly cleaned clothes I heard this classic in the background. It seemed apropos since we’ll be heading out to Halifax tomorrow for my aunt’s wedding. It’s all fun but also a bit nerve-racking. I know my aunt will be swamped and pre-occupied with the wedding. We’re heading out early to help out where we can and to also let K get a chance to actually see Halifax in person rather than from the backseat of a car. It’ll be interesting.

We went downtown to get me a suit for the wedding and went to the Wall Street area Men’s Warehouse. While the cost, in the end, wasn’t as frugal as I wanted it to be I did get two suits — one for summer and one for fallish-winter — for the price of one with alterations. I suppose it’s an investment (I tend to be a jeans/shorts kind of guy). What was flattering was being sir’d all the way through it. I was treated like the most important person in the world (while he does the hard sell he was a classy salesguy). I think I’m starting to come to grip with the fact that I am passing. Part of me is “WOOHOO!” and part of me is stunned, as if to wonder — “When did that happen?”. Kinda like puberty sneaking up on you.

For most of my family it’ll be almost two years since I’ve seen them. It’ll be interesting to see the response. I know some might be surprised. More importantly, I’m hoping that they’ll see how happy I am. It’s weird to feel so consistently happy like I have since I began the transition and since K has been in my life. I keep expecting the other shoe to drop and something bad happen. What’s really nice is that we talk about the dreams we have and where we want to be. We both realize this is an evolving thing and it sometimes changes. We’ll probably move a couple of more times before we settle. I think one thing is for sure, wherever we finally put roots down we’ll have a good time along the way.

It’s interesting how I still have no desire to be stealth and yet.. Well, I am without trying. I haven’t found a situation where I’ve been threatened or challenged yet and I think the reason is that I’m neither threatening nor do I seemingly upset the balance of gender for others. Perhaps that’s why it’s harder to find FTM role models of the past and why people like Chaz are important as they transition. Although that said, we really don’t need celebrities to be our role models. I think what we need are more local individuals to be role models for those that are up-and-coming. I’ve always said that transitioning isn’t for everyone — and it really isn’t. This is a selfish thing that one has to decide to do to rectify whatever went wrong during conception that resulted in a brain-body mismatch. Some people learn to adjust while others cannot. Neither is bad nor horrible. They are each the paths we have to take. In the end.. we’re really just everyday people, eh?

I am everyday people

Another year has passed.

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, transgender, transition .

It’s been a busy week or so for me and an interesting one. Last week, because I wanted to do a beta version of a certification, I was studying like mad in addition to teaching our new course in front of students. My average day just for the teaching, not including travel time, was nothing less than 10 hours. Add to that a round-trip total of 3 hours on the subway and then another 3-5 hours each night studying and the week was 80+ hours of “work”. Anyways, I wrote the certification yesterday and am waiting for the results. I’m hopeful that I passed because then I won’t have to recertify (which means writing the regular exam and getting 85% on it). It was a quiet week at home for me since K was in Los Angeles and Bobcat lost her voice (I suspect she was meowing all day trying to find someone and couldn’t). While I like my little moments of bachelorhood, I prefer it when K is around. More laughter and dreaming happens.

Anyways, back to last week. So this was the first week I was teaching at our NYC facility and doing so, out to the staff, as an FTM. I didn’t tell my students since it’s not a really a requirement nor is it really their business. If someone had asked, I’d certainly say that I am trans and such but since it wasn’t relevant, I left it. I used the men’s washroom but usually when empty (as it happened it was a light load of students this week at the facility so it was easier for me). What was interesting was how I was read. Since I haven’t had top surgery yet I worry about how I present still but I was completely read as to how I view myself. It’s amazing how far I’ve come in a year (July 24 happens to be my year anniversary on T).  The reviews on my teaching came back good and the references were entirely “he”. This was good and I had to chuckle as one student, his transphobia showing a bit, went on a rant about being “felt up” while on the subway. He said he wouldn’t have mind if it was a women but if it was a guy or a trans women, well!

I have doubts that he was “felt up” and that it was more a question of people shifting when the subway is packed (Toronto has nothing on NYC when it comes to packed subways, let me tell you). I didn’t laugh and the look on my face must have been enough to shut him up because he didn’t mention it again except for one last comment that he could identify a trans person easily. I froze at this. Based on his demeanour and claimed history, he sounds like a guy who uses action first and then — maybe — thinks about it. He claims to have “family” ties back to Europe. But he read me as I a guy and didn’t clue in. He didn’t say anything further. A person’s prejudice is their own thing and as long as he stopped it in the classroom, then all was good (which he did — amazing how one doesn’t have to speak to get a point across). I had thought about writing about this yesterday but was restless and I couldn’t figure out why — until both my aunts reminded me.

17 years ago yesterday my mom was murdered. The guy who did it is now free and out there. Last I heard he had cancer and I have no doubts that he never accepted responsibility for what he did. Up until his release he was convinced it was my mom’s fault that this happened. Now, she was never the easiest woman to live with but blaming her for his actions.. well. A real man takes responsibility for what he’s done, even if it was a really horrible mistake. And that action was. It was that action that put my life onto this path, for good or bad. I may have still ended up on this path if it had never happened but how different life might have been. I remember it took a long time for the guilt and anger to subside. I still look for those little moments I try to remember where we were happy — usually holidays at my aunt’s house. I know I was blessed to have so many aunts and uncles to turn to. I know that they may not fully understand this process or path I’m on but they do love me, support me and know I’m happy.

And really, when I look back, the one thing I wanted in life was love. And yet, I never realized I had it at times. I know now. The transition of body is, I believe I’ve said somewhere, the easy part. It’s the transition of mind and soul that is the challenge. Learning to love one’s self when the world feels against you and has been against your true self can, at times, make you doubt your sanity or path that life gives you. But ultimately, it is about finding one’s own true happiness.

Who’d thunk I’d found that in this lifetime?

Personal Blog Poll: Do you have a bucket list?

Posted on by Posted in Life, Polls .

So last month’s poll was interesting. The majority of people (77%) said that gender shouldn’t be required for TSA while 23% said it should. Rather interesting and I’m curious as to those people who felt it should as to why it should. As someone who’s spent a better part of his computer career learning how to break into systems as well as how to protect them, identifiers like gender really aren’t really true security mechanisms (more like security through obscurity) and could cause more challenges than not. Perhaps, for some, it creates a sense of security but for others it opens up a bunch of wounds about past realities. It also opens up the possibility for someone to be unfairly discriminated against. Not all TSA members would do this and I’d bet that the majority are honest but all it takes is one. I’ve been pretty lucky thus far not to have to face this or address this — yet. Anyways, more to ponder on this one.

I was watching Kathy Griffin the other night on My Life on the D-List and was interested in the bucket list she had her mom do. It comes from the movie The Bucket List and the idea is that you create a list of the things you want to do before you…erhm.. kick the bucket. So I thought I’d create my own but was curious if others have one and, if they are inclined, what do they have on it?

My bucket list:

1. Get top surgery

2. Get hysto

3. Get Master’s Degree in Computer Forensics or Virtualization (if it exists)

4. Learn how to program in C.

5. Become a dad

6. Get my own puppy

7. Bike across Canada

8. Bike across the USA

9. Bike somewhere in Europe, Africa and Asia (once in each continent)

10. Become debt free (HA!)

11. Buy a house

12. Get my driver’s license

13. Get my motorcycle license

14. Build my cigar man-cave (see item 11. first)

15. Go to France to see ancestral home/village

16. Buy a car (ideally a mustang, Challenge, Dart or something like that — earlier versions would be fun to work on)

17. Get Green Card and eventually US Citizenship

18. Write a book

19. Publish a book

20. Be happy (oh, wait.. I am doing that last one 😉 )

20 Reduce: see Kathy Griffin live. 🙂

It’s not just a really big show

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I recently read Véronique’s blog where she discusses an article by the Catholic Exchange where ENDA would legal protections against discrimination based on gender identity . In a nutshell, they say that trans individuals are deceivers, particularly focusing on MTFs, because they (transsexuals) are those “who reject the sex they were born with and want to be publicly accepted as the other sex” and want protections as well as additional consideration for hate crimes against trans individuals. As I read the article and a few of the comments, I thought to my blog entry to yesterday. So I thought about the discussion and some of the premises that it was based on. It was based on the fear that it would allow men in women’s dresses to go into women’s changing rooms and restrooms. I was surprised they didn’t use the “rape and pedophile argument” that is often used in this case. The whole thing is based on the idea that it’s a deliberate attempt to deceiver others, society and themselves. And that it’s being encouraged by the mass media and medical professions.

“We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

The more I thought about it,the more I was puzzled by items in the article. So began taking it apart, starting with the word “deception”. This is an old word from the 1400-1500s and is defined, by dictionary.reference.com, as a noun, to be either ” 1.the act of deceiving; the state of being deceived.” or  “2.something that deceives or is intended to deceive; fraud; artifice”.  Ok. I can live with that definition. But who’s being deceived? They claim the public is being deceived by the media and activits; the individual themselves are self-deceiving both themselves and others; and that the media and medical profession is deceiving trans individuals into believing that they must do this. Hrmm.

So, my own thoughts from when I was younger — before gender mattered to me — about seeing myself as male was a self-deception? And which is worse: self deception or perceived deception of society? Honestly, if no one knows my gender, does it matter? If it doesn’t matter why are people being killed over it? (Well, they did say that it was understandable to have this reaction because of the fact that one has “deceived” the other person of their “true” DNA). By their logic, I should spend the rest of my life in a gender that never fit, that’s not comfortable and caused me more personal grief over the course of my lifetime. It is almost as if they are saying that the person attacking is the victim, not the person being attacked.

But part of the premise that they are forwarding is a belief that there is a deliberate attempt by a trans individual to “deceive”. And what they do not understand or perhaps, may not be able to comprehend is that this isn’t a choice to do an action. For me, deception involves a deliberate intention to commit fraud to someone else and that we are aware that it is a fraud. And (yes, I’m generalizing but take a leap with me, please) I suspect that many trans individuals, like myself, don’t view transition or being trans as a fraud but rather that we’re finally being authentic as was given to us. A born-again Christian once said to me that while he didn’t understand my path he did admit that he felt that God had put many challenges before me. And he’s right (whether it is God, Allah, some other deity or none my life has been filled with a variety of challenges). I had always wondered why others were happy with life and how could I get in on that. I tried all sorts of things — things that often made me feel uncomfortable and made me feel like a sham, a fraud.

You should not live one way in private, another in public.  — Publilius Syrus (Latin writer of maxims, 45BC-1BC)

Apparently for those that believe the way that the Catholic Exchange do I should live my life as a sham than as my true self because society might have issue with it. I look back at the past and how Jesus or Buddha wer defined (I use Jesus as a reference since it’s a person that a Catholic could identify with; please be assured I am no way near the compassionate man he or someone like the Buddha was) during their times on the planet. Both men were viewed with fear, revulsion and misunderstanding until people took the time to learn about them and what they were talking about. Both had little desire to cater to the wealth and helped those that needed the most help. They remained true to themselves as beings rather than living up to the desire to fit into a specific view of things: one was the son of a carpenter (and probably likely to inherit that role) while the other a king and believed to inherit riches beyond imagination at the time. Society would have been happy with that but they “bucked” the trend and went with what they felt was the true nature of themselves.

If others choose to believe that someone like me deliberately attempts to deceive them, the one suggestion I have: this ain’t about you. It’s about me and what fits for me. I’ll let you know what you need to know when it’s relevant. There are a lot of things about me that others don’t need to know (although I do talk a lot here about what seems like everything) but there are some things that are on a need-to-know basis or will be on that basis.

Happy Canuckian Day to my fellow hosers in the Great White North