Going beyond transition

Monthly Archives: June 2009

Uh, no intense offended there.

Posted on by Posted in Buddhism, Life, transgender .

Did you know there’s a 5am?? Seriously. It exists. I’m actually surprised I can get up, go out and bike 10 miles at that hour but I can. And when I do, besides feeling great for the rest of the day, I actually do a lot of thinking, pondering and meditating. While most buddhists meditate on a cushion, I’ve always found — especially on longer rides — that I can better meditate when I’m a road somewhere lost than when I’m “sure” of where I am. It is hard to get up at 5am sometimes but I know I have to do it, even if I only go for 30 minutes. It’s better than not going.

This morning I was pondering a few things, the most prominent how society (yes, I know I’m generalizing; bare with me) has decided that we shouldn’t present our opinions. It’s almost as if we’re ashamed of admitting to our prejudices, opinions and such. K and I have been watching All in the Family lately and for all the misguided views of Archie I will say that he was rarely shy to admit his true feelings and views about things. We’ve become so concious of other people’s views that we almost are afraid of forming our own. And if someone challenges our opinion of something, rather than facing that challenge, we give up and walk away. I really have no problem with people not liking the path that I’m on. It’s their choice to accept it or not. As long as they respect me as a human being, that’s fine. I would rather have someone debate with me about an issue or view using some variation of logic than not have the discussion. It then remains the giant elephant in the room that no one dares discuss and that means no one learns anything.

Mike Stivic: You know, you are totally incomprehensible.
Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.

It’s not to say that being vulgar or abrasive is necessary, nor are ad hominem attack needed. But that discussions need to be done, even if we do not agree. I almost wonder if the true art of debate and intelligent discussion is gone. We’re so intent on our own view that we do not consider any other as potentially valid and allow others to voice their views. It is a two-way street for everyone. I don’t think it’s that impossible to open the door to discussion, even when others are set in their views and ways, to have a respectful discussion if we acknowledge that everyone has different experiences in life that both give us rosy views and jaded views. Language, specifically the English one, is a cumbersome method of communication at time. What appears neutral to one appears otherwise to others.

A recent discussion, which I’ll admit I’m not fully sure why there is an uproar over, has been over the use of “cis-” (as in, cisgender, cis-sexual, etc.) to describe natal-gender born individuals (e.g., natal men and natal women). Some natal individuals find the use of “cis-” offensive. It was suggested to me that non-trans would be a better term. While I’ll be respectful and not refer to a person that finds “cis-” offensive, I’m not fully clear as to why it’s offensive. It’s true ignorance on my part but I’ve been having difficulty as to finding the reasoning behind it. Is it because it’s a term that the trans community seems to use to describe those whose gender DNA matches their gender soul? Is it because it’s an academic term? Is it because it might (a guess on my part) make them feel less than special? I’m open to discussion as to the how and why this is an issue but I haven’t found anyone who is willing to discuss it.

I know that many people hate labels but we, as humans, often use words to describe others or identify people. Some nice (e.g., given names) and some not so nice (e.g., derogatory terms) labels exist. The challenge is learning which ones are acceptable. The reality is that it often ends up being a very personal thing as to what is acceptable and what isn’t. I think, often, it’s not an deliberate attempt to offend someone, particularly when written online in forums, blogs and such, to use what some perceive as “offensive labels”. It’s important to not only identify why it’s offensive to the reader but what terms you would prefer to use. Both the author and the reader are not representatives of the whole of their “community” but rather are representing themselves in society as a whole and their place in it. That distinction is important for everyone involved to remember.

I do not speak for all white Canadian (Acadian) trans men in the world but speak for just me and how I view the world from my view of being those labels. Others may disagree with me and I welcome that. But that respect for individualness in the world means respecting the individual first. I don’t know how to bring that kind of discussion back to online communities so that actual discussion and debate, IMO, could continue again. As long as those don’t happen, we cannot as a society, again IMO, move forward to evolve.

Goodbye, Michael (1958-2009)

Posted on by Posted in Life .

So today I did my 10 miles and certainly feel good. As I was cycling and monitoring my heart rate, it was hard not to think of Michael. Growing up in the 80s, Off the Wall and Thriller were both hits. So many of the few memories I have were tied to his music and I think it was because I would listen to it over and over and over again (this was pre-Walkman era) while on the top bunk of the bunk beds in my grandparents’ cottage on the St. Lawrence. It was my escape from the things that hurt, whether I understood why they hurt or not. Like any kid I wanted the latest news. Being in Canada, we didn’t have much options other than the teen magazines and Entertainment Tonight. It’s not like today where news is instant thanks to the internet. It often took a few hours before it became clear as to what happened.

The Pepsi Commercial fire is a prime example of that. I remember running down the stairs and being glued to the TV as Entertainment Tonight showed the clips of what had happened, what his condition was, etc. Growing up I was mocked by some for my “fan” status of Michael but I have to say that from him I learned that it was ok to be sensitive, that we need to be concerned about others (human or otherwise), that we should strive to be our best and put our whole heart into what we do, and so much more. I could never sing nor dance but he made me smile and cry. Songs like “She’s Out of My Life”, “Pretty Young Thing”, “Say, Say, Say” (with Paul and Linda McCartney), “Ben”, “ABC” (with Jackson 5) were all songs that hit one emotion or another. To this day, I cannot listen to “She’s Out of My Life” without shedding a few tears (I do find that since I’ve been on T I don’t cry nearly a tenth of what I used to — odd side-effect).

When I discovered the Internet, I found other like-minded fans and even got a chance in 1995 to go to NYC to see him do the HBO show. Illness, however, resulted in the show being canceled. I remember hanging around outside Mt. Sinai with other fans, talking, singing and cheering. It was a haven. I was so embroiled that I actually tried to state the “Official” Canadian Michael Jackson Fanclub. For a while I got flooded with letters for Michael and I’d shipped them off to his main fan club address. I wasn’t the direct connect but was hoping that it might mean more tours in the Land to the North. I saw him once in concert in Toronto (I had won tickets thanks to a Pepsi promo and got to take a train down from Ottawa to Toronto — It was fun but in the nose bleed and we had to leave before the show was over) as part of the Victory Tour in 1984. I loved it.

As I got older, my fandom matured from that of awe-struck teenager to appreciative of his music, creativity and plain talent. It’s nice to see that people are remembering him for his talent and abilities first and foremost. His past certainly wasn’t clean but many of us do mistakes and dumb, naive moves at times. We learn and go on. It will be weird to not hear new music from such a great talent.

R.I.P. Michael Jackson. Forever I will remember you as an example of a kind, caring, sensitive man.

Vitameatavegamin

Posted on by Posted in Uncategorized .

I always loved Lucy. But this has to be one of her best episodes (the Chocolate Factory one is the other). I crack up at this every time I see it. And since I’m trying to stay healthy perhaps I should invest in a bottle of Vita-Meata-Vegamin (not quite vegan last time I looked however).

Fall Off the Wagon.. and then tumbling down the cliff.

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Finances, Life .

Cross-posted entry from FrugalVillage.com

Ever have those huge falling off the wagon moments and then tumble off the cliff in the process? I’ve been going through that lately. I’m not sure why other than that feeling I could do it. In reality there are really only two things that will cause me to do that: deals on cigars (bad, I know!) and bicycling (good stuff!) deals. I can say that I looked for the deals and deals that were 45% or more deep as well as questioned myself repeatedly to whether I really needed it versus wanted. There were a few things I didn’t get. But it was still excess spending.

Now I will admit that having a good cigar now and again with a cold beer is relaxing. And since cigars keep it’s not a bad thing. A single box could easily last a year, especially good ones. So a few deals later and … eep. Definitely not good.

The other thing is bicycling. Now I haven’t done it in a while but a recent doctor’s visit reminded me to get off my fat ass (and yes, it’s grown 🙁 ) Reality is I did this to myself by plopping down in front of the computer, eating like I used to when I cycled 30-100 miles a day every day and then not moving at all.  Being vegan has an advantage of ensuring that even with laziness my bad cholesterol is still good (135?) but my good cholesterol is too low (36). Between my good cholesterol being too low and my blood pressure being a bit high (130/86) it’s an indication from my body that I need to move. I used to have 124/82 or thereabouts. Part of this is the testosterone I’m taking but reality is that it’s just a sign of laziness. So today I went for a 30 min ride at 5:30am. I prefer starting the day with exercise as it gets me going and gets me into a routine, something I need. And although it wasn’t a huge ride, it’s enough to get started with. I now have a simple route that I’m going to use for the next few weeks to get my cycling legs back (riding once a day 5-6 days a week).

Of course, I couldn’t find my gloves or my bike shorts so I made do but felt weird on the bike. First thing I did when I got back was order new gloves, new shorts, heart monitor and so on. It was a splurge but one thing about cycling gear is that it does last a few years. I think I misplaced my older gear and I know that most of it was when I was thinner (about 60lbs thinner).

I do admit feeling better about the cycling. And if I continue like I did in 2003-2005, I could create the same habits. For some reason my cycling depressed my urge to spend (maybe spending is a sign of depression or “blues” and ties in with eating?). So, I’m gonna try again. I know I can do this, I just have to stay focused on this and move it forward.

In other stuff, work has been kicking my butt lately (a good thing in some regards). It’s part of why I haven’t been on the forums and why I’ve been stressing so much. Hopefully once the next couple of weeks pass things should settle down some. I’m really hopeful about that and think I might even be able to ask for a raise come fall, even if it’s just a small one. I am pestering them about getting a green card so if I got a small one and a green card I’d be thrilled. I also came out at work. Coming out gay is nearly norm in many places but coming out transgendered/transsexual is a whole other ball of wax. It went really well. And to top it off, it was the same week that Chaz (formerly Chastity Bono) came out about starting his transition. Contrary to what many feel, this isn’t a “choice” but rather something that must be done to continue living.

It’s that ability to continue living that allows one to get back on the wagon, even if we’re down on the side of the cliff. I think I may be able to jump up and on to the wagon again later this week with full force and vigor.

June is Pride Month

Posted on by Posted in Buddhism, trans activism, transgender .

It is something that I’ve mentioned before but is worthwhile mentioning again: trans history is often almost non-existent. It’s not that it doesn’t exist but that few people remember it, know about it or care to know about it. Recently in the Dallas Voice they did cover it. I’ve included a snippet of the article below. Keep in mind that trans history goes farther back than this. In fact, Buddha allowed for transgendered “males to be ordain and live as nuns and transgendered females to ordain and live with monks”.  Most of the information is piecemeal and all over the place. Perhaps one day it can be centralized in one location or published in a book about the history of trans individuals worldwide. Quite often, however, it is more recent times where transgendered/transsexual has become politicized and a request for explicit rights and protections has been asked. Hopefully, one day, too, this will be a wonderful part of history.

1969
On Saturday, June 28, the Stonewall Inn, a Mafia-run gay bar in Greenwich Village, is raided by police officers arresting gender nonconforming patrons and workers, hauling them off in paddy wagons. Though reports vary, transgender individuals such as Sylvia Rivera have been cited as among the first to resist police harassment.

This same year,  Stanley Biber performs his first sex change operation and his practice in Trinidad, Colo., later becomes known as the “Sex Change Capital of the World.”

1970
Angela Douglas leaves the Gay Liberation Front, established in response to Stonewall, on grounds of anti-transgender sentiment and forms TAO (Transsexual Activist Organization), the first international grassroots transgender organization.

1971
Transgender woman Paula Grossman, a music teacher at Cedar Hill Elementary School in Basking Ridge, N.J., is fired on the grounds she was “an impairment of the school system.”  Grossman lost her case at the N.J. state and federal levels and was denied a U.S. Supreme Court appeal.

1972
Transgender woman and lesbian singer Beth Elliot is ousted from the Daughters of Bilitis, the first lesbian rights organization in the U.S., on the grounds she wasn’t “really a woman,” causing a schism in the organization. Elliot, though, is embraced by a two-thirds majority of lesbians at the 1973 Westcoast Lesbian Feminist Conference and allowed to musically perform.

1973
Love it or hate it, the world is introduced to Dr. Frank N. Furter, the self-identified “sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania,” in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” originally a British stage musical.

1974
British historian and transgender woman Jan Morris publishes her transitional memoir “Conundrum,” and is later named by The Times as one of Britain’s top 15 writers since The War.

1975
Fantasia Fair makes its debut in P-town and has today become the longest-running annual transgender event.

Read more here.

Happiness Can Only Exist in Acceptance .. but whose?

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

So this week I’m in Dallas. It’s been a decent week albeit hot. And I don’t just mean warm, I mean so hot an egg could fry on the pavement if you put it there. The food culture here is also challenging. The deep-frying of everything can be a bit much (although, if I wasn’t vegan, I’d try the deep fried Snickers; maybe if they could deep fry an oreo for me or something). I did have deep fried corn on the cob (!!?!). It did seal in the juicyness of the cob but there was nothing more to it than that. Food aside, it’s been both a good week and a bit depressing. It’s good in that I’m rock star as I teach. The students seem to be enjoying it and staying awake (heat be damned). This is always good and getting lots of questions, even in a small class, has been good. I’ve been “Ma’am” and “she’d” a little more than I’d like, however. It’s weird after going for weeks on end where I get “sir”, “mister”, etc. to be given the other gender like that. It’s almost a slap in the face as to what I do not feel comfortable in.

This is a stark contrast to last week when I felt like I was on top of the world. The variety of activities that ensued to make life seem far more exciting and safe than they do this week. I’m actually kind of concerned, given that I’m in Texas — relatively conservative compared to other places, about how others may be reacting to me and how my presence in certain areas (e.g., washroom and such) may heighten the risk to my personal safety. My students seem ok but it’s really everyone else that I have to deal with that worries me. The looks I get (and ignore for the most part) have me wondering if someone is going to try something. For all of my life I’ve never been worried about my safety until now. The more I experience this the more I want some basic surgeries to address what is still left to address.

This week has seen a continuance of the discussion of Chaz’ decision to transition. It is great in one way to have such a public figure transition but in others, it may open up more of a challenge for other trans individuals. We’ll be expected to be as open and public about our process. For me it’s not an issue but for others it may be. They  may have more of a private life that they do not want to be shared nor do they want that expectation to be shared looming over them. Additionally, Chaz startdoom is a benefit to him, even if it’s inherited. He’ll likely be treated better than the average trans individual. This will be true, IMO, on a face-to-face basis. When one is viewed from a distance a whole variety of other factors will come into play, particularly anonymity. The responses by the general public has been less than positive. If anything they have been worse than what I’ve seen against other trans individuals.

In some ways it would be nice to let the public see how a transition is and what it’s like to face discrimination, particularly when people don’t understand the reasoning behind transitioning. It’s not about what’s in society; it’s not about wanting privilege; it’s not about trying to fit in with what society accepts. It is about what is acceptable to the self and how a person views the self in regards to others. I understand why others cannot see the world as I see it and why I have this need or this coercive soul-binding draw to do what I must just as much as I cannot understand what it’s like to not have that in place. The important thing is to remember that not all of us walk the same path. Whether you call it God, Fate or just what life is we each have our own path put before us. Degrading and demeaning one of us affects us all.

As much as I would like to be accepted by society I know that will not be the answer to my ultimate soul happiness. For that, I have to accept myself as is. And try as I might, the view of what I am is very different than what I was born with (just the external parts — inside, there is a lot I like although I’m constantly improving and updating). Shouldn’t that be what our lives are about? Experiencing, learning, growing??

iReport: Does this make me famous?

Posted on by Posted in Politics, trans activism, transgender, transition .

So I did an iReport here and am shocked as to how many people have looked (last count was in the 1,700s!). And from reading some of the responses to the other iReports, many have been positive (although, like any there are those that aren’t so positive about trans individuals). Whee! I think I might do a full response to one report later today or tomorrow. Now, to do some work stuff.

Video Blog Entry for June 12, 2009

Ah, yes. I sent “THE EMAIL” today for work.

Posted on by Posted in LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

It was the last stage of outing myself. I sent the email to my colleagues about name and gender. It was bound to happen and it’s the final stage of letting those around me know. It’s interesting to be so public about transitioning. It makes me wonder how well it would have been received if I wasn’t so open about me and my life path. I feel pretty lucky about who my colleagues are and the company I work for. I know I could be in a place that’s not so accepting and could make my life miserable but I’m not. I’m lucky in that my work environment is mostly home but I do venture out into the rest of the world at times as well. One of the nice effects of being open is that I have less to lose if someone “outs” me, so to speak.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would still prefer to out myself, if it is necessary, and do it on my own terms. This is especially important when I get to the stage of life that I’m stealth or just read entirely as a guy and the former tomboy of past is forgotten. But even if someone did out me, deliberately or accidentally, it’s not as impacting as someone who doesn’t want the world to know, especially if the transitioned prior to their identity being established in the greater world. This is one of the things I vacillate over: would it have been better if I had transition prior to starting life (say, while in university) or is it better to have done it when I’ve lived almost half my life? It probably would have been easier and cheaper to have done this when I was in university. I would have less IDs to change and fewer people to inform. On the flip side, doing this in the late 80s/early 90s in heavily conservative Ottawa wouldn’t have been fun — especially since I was a member of the Progressive Conservative party (yes, I was — scary, huh?). There was even less understanding and tolerance than today so my transition would have faced a lot more push-back. And I certainly wouldn’t have the protections that I have today (thanks to those brave souls who took that to task).

Doing it now means I have far more of an established life that will have to be adjusted both by those that know me and even  myself. We have habits that become ingrained and are sometimes hard to separate from. Because of that, it’s hard to not be public about my transition. Certainly some parts will always remain private just for me and my partner but a lot will be out on display. I will also have a long road ahead of me to get all the legal necessities of name and such changed. For now, name will be the priority. Surgery may be close or farther off, not sure yet. And while I may yet still face intolerance but I’m far more protected now than I would have been if I had done this 20 years ago and knowing that makes it somewhat easier to transition on the job.

In the end, I’m glad I’m doing it now. My life experiences, thus far, have helped to make me the person I am and appreciate the things that I’m not and do not want to be. It also helps me to recognize when certain things are a bit over the top and I can voice why. One of the nice pluses to finally outing myself (how apropos that I do this in June, Pride month although it might have been more fitting to do it in October on National Coming Out Day) is that I no longer have to worry about what others think about me. It’s all out there. Either you’ll be ok with it or won’t. It won’t change the person I am — I’m still the self-absorbed, lazy, geeky vegan, cigar-smokin’ twit as I was before. 😉 And if someone isn’t happy about it, there is nothing I can do. That is that’s person choice/issue to address. They can ask me all sorts of questions as to why but in the end the choice to do or not do was for me and no one else.

Oh, them? Just my stalkers..

Posted on by Posted in Life, Twitters .

I admit it. I’m a fan of NCIS. I’ve always like the show and get a kick out of the characters, particularly Abby (played by Pauley Perrette). She has an interesting background, including a master’s degree in Criminology (once, a direction I wanted to do) and truly seems to enjoy her career as an actress. I respect people who do act, whether on the big screen, little screen or stage. It takes a lot to stand in front of strangers, pretending to be something that you may or may not be. Sometimes that pretending can be contrary to who you are (Carroll O’Connor, more widely recognized as Archie Bunker, was far more liberal than even the “Meathead” was). But the one thing to remember is that every actor or actress is a person, a real live human being. Society has recently been overwhelming generations with more entertainment than ever before and the line between entertainment and life is blurring far too rapidly. As a geek, I’ve always found that sometimes the latest craze can be too much.

The Internet and computers were, to me, just tools for communication and creating community. I’ve never been big on the advertising bit but do understand that capitalism is what is driving education in the world today (rather than education for the sake of learning and expanding one’s mind). I suspect, however, it’s that drive to remove the human element from entertainment, that realization that this is a person too and not just the character they portray. I remember, as a kid, hearing stories of people going after Larry Hagman (well known as the badman J.R. in Dallas), claiming how mean and cruel he was. I suspect it is a testimony to how good of an actor he is but it is kind of frightening how society cannot make that break between what is real and what is show. This kind of over-attachment is just below the line of stalker.

And therein lies the issue. The Internet has made it easier for someone to “stalk” others. A friend of mine recently commented, when I mentioned I’d be making my twitter feed private, as to whether she’d be able to continue to “stalk me online” as a result. This is a good friend and she meant it entirely in a fun manner. Unfortunately, there are many out there who do stalk others and an openly feed like twitter can further continue that blurring of reality versus character. A twitter feed (basically, it’s the 140 character blips that people send out about life and such) can often seem one-sided. When we read a twitter sent to us, we forget that we can often be one of many who receive it. And if it’s public, everyone receives it. From a marketing and/or promoting perspective, this is a huge thing. It’s not surprising that the likes of CNN and others have been capitalizing on it. Heck, the whole thing between CNN and Ashton Kutcher was amusing but I failed to see the point. It doesn’t matter how many people follow you if they aren’t really listening to what you are saying.

That aside, however, the bigger challenge is actually know who is really saying it. As I write this blog, many who read it have never met me in person and only know me based on the pictures I post or the YouTube videos that end up here now and again. If I never did the YouTube vids (I’m due for another one soon, I think), I could have been anyone posting those things. Heck, I still could be. The Internet is fascinating in how it does tear down our identities and labels but it’s also scary. There is no way to verify who a person is. In computer security we often try to do multiple forms of authentication (that is, verifying that the person using a resource is who they say they are). Generally, it comes in one of 3 forms: what you know (username/password), what you have (physical ID like passport, card, etc.) or what you are (biometrics like retina scans, iris scans, fingerprints, facial recognition). Using multiples of these or all 3 (ideally) makes identification and verification more effective.

The big I internet will never be able to, at this point and in the near future, be able to provide true verification that the person talking is, in fact, that person. And, to make it worse, we have no way to prevent those that are stalking (in the bad sense) stop their behaviour. There is no police online, there are very limited stalking laws in general and most people scoff at it, claiming it’s the victim’s imagination. One of the things I had challenged in twitter was the ability of someone to reply who wasn’t being followed. Most people were against this (to the degree that some vehemently argued with me, saying that it was a form of censorship and a violation of their 1st Amendment rights). Well, it’s not a violation. That law applies to the government violating your right to speak out, not a private firm. It’s their servers and if they feel there is a need, then they have the right to do so. Certainly object to them if it displeases you. When I mentioned how this might be because of stalkers and spammers, they scoffed saying that those people can be easily blocked. This comment highlights someone who has never experienced (and I hope they never do) what it’s like. There is a fear to knowing that someone who has never been or formerly was a part of your life follows you this excessively. It’s downright scary.

Very few organizations seem to address this properly or fully. They do not consider that they may be helping to feed this and encourage this by not adding in some verifications about who a person is and are they who they claim to be. Because of this lack of verification, no court order can be put in place to prevent someone from following another or pretending to be that other. Most “stalkers” are not dangerous but now and again, there is one. And it only takes one. So how does this all tie in with Pauley Perrette? Well, over the weekend I watched her YouTube video (see below) about Twitter and the fact that she cannot have an internet presence. While not a violation of her 1st Amendment it is a violation of her right to enjoy life, liberty and happiness to allow someone to so control you that you cannot be creative, if you wanted to, on a global basis. It is another form of denying someone their right to their own identity, whatever that may be.