Going beyond transition

Monthly Archives: May 2009

What’s in a name?

Posted on by Posted in Daily life .

Well, it’s been busy of late and that’s been part of why I haven’t posted recently. I’ll also admit to be being lazy these last few days as I’ve been sucked back into playing WoW. It’s actually been a fun time waster. K is visiting family for two weeks so I’m in bachelor mode. As fun as it is, I do miss K being here. It’s too quiet and I miss all the snuggles, hugs, kisses and, well.. you get the idea. Life has been pretty good this past little while. I’d say that I’m passing about 80% of the time now. And I’ve begun to use my chosen name but still need to get the official name change done. I’m still not looking forward to this because of the number of documents that I have to change: birth certificate, passport, SIN card, SSN card, credit cards, work visa, etc. I can see why there is a huge advantage to doing this early in life. Once your world footprint is out there, it’s hard to adjust it after the fact. But the sooner I start, the sooner I can finish it.

One thing that is about to change (starting August 15, 2009) that concerns me is that all government ID that is used for air travel within and into/out of the US will have to have match and full names will have to be used on all travel. For most people this isn’t an issue but identifying someone’s name, date of birth and gender does seem like a bit of an invasion of privacy. Sure, I’m certainly public about who I am but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to know it. People who come to this blog know me through one manner or another. I don’t tell strangers I’m transgendered/transsexual unless I’m outright asked and even then, it’s still my prerogative. This will effectively out me and others. Let’s be clear about something. While this is couched by the Department of Homeland Security as a method of identifying terrorists this really isn’t. It’s almost akin to security through obscurity (that is, if we hide it then it will be secure). The assumption here is that terrorists are truthful as to who they are. Names can change, birth certificates changed, etc. If you truly want to be secure, educate the populace as to what to look for; have a better foreign policy that doesn’t deliberately go out of its way to piss off others and a variety of other options.

If organizations want to be more secure, have more inspection tables and more thorough inspections. Require people to be checked-in, luggaged and in the terminal an hour before the flight leaves. Anything later should mean taking the next flight. In an information age where anyone can be anybody, it makes sense to remove that dependence on actual paper ID and rely more on the person themselves. It’s more about what a person has with them that is questionable than their identity when it comes to security overall. The only benefit to truly tracking identity is to track where people are going, assuming that their ID is valid, in an attempt to find illegal immigrants or to try to be pre-emptive (although that is nearly impossible to do unless one can read minds).

I think once I get my name changed on my passport, I will get Nexus to make my travel between Canada and the US easier. The only reasons I go between the countries is either for work or to visit family. Doing the whole custom thing over and over again is getting old. Welp, enough writing for today. Time to play. Have a great rest of the day.

Quick personal post: Buddhism and Trans Hate

Posted on by Posted in Buddhism, Gratitude, Life, transgender, transition .

I had submitted a question to Brian at Daily Buddhism about how to address hatred spewed at trans individuals. Although outside of Brian’s experience I believe he addressed it well as did the many respondents. The more I think about it, the more I believe that being open about myself and my path lessens the possibility of directed hate. Will it get rid of all hatred? No. That exists as long as people see things they don’t understand, cannot explain and don’t want to learn about (closed mind). But perhaps it will lessen for some. We live in times where people actually are far more open. I’m thankful to those that came before and suffered much in their path. And I’m hopeful that those that come after will be able to find their way — whatever path it may be — with little suffering and fear.

Transitioning on the job: win.

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude, LGBTQ, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work, Uncategorized .

This past week turned out to be far better than expected. As some of you have read, this was the first week that colleagues really saw me since before my transition began. I was very apprehensive after reading about so many who have been mocked, ridiculed, etc. when they transitioned on the job. I got the complete opposite. To the point of near tears. I am blessed for working in a company that is supportive of the person I am and am becoming. I wasn’t quite comfortable using the washroom with colleagues but have done more of that when out in public or going to airports. I get “sir’d” constantly now and even changed a few of my “points” (e.g., hotel, airline, etc.) to “Mr.” and get called that as well. Almost every night, I met up with about 4-12 of my colleagues in one room or another. We had a few drinks (it’d kill the swine flu, I tells ya); a few cigars; and a lot of war stories. I got asked a few questions, shown a lot of support and good laughter. I guess it was a form of bonding with my colleagues (many who want to do co-teaches with me, especially in Vegas — apparently they’d lied; it doesn’t stay in Vegas — LOL).

I know there are a few who probably weren’t sure of what had happened to me and aren’t too sure how to ask (they were being polite or PC, not sure which). And for those folks it may be necessary to do an email to colleagues. I think that this week I’ll be working on that email and send it out (assuming HR is ok with it). I’ll probably put a huge line at the bottom that says something along the lines that I’m ok with pretty much any question being asked to me directly but to remember that I’m not like other trans individuals and not to assume that others will answer those questions.

It was weird today. For some reason I wish I could call my mom and tell her, excitedly, about all my successes. But then I remembered I can’t. Many choices in life I do not regret .. except one: my last words to my mom two years prior to her death. It doesn’t change the fact that she was killed unnecessarily  nor does it change the history we had (both good and bad). But as I travel further down my Buddhist path, I’m becoming more aware of the power of karma (karma is neither good nor bad, it just is the effect of actions) and the importance of lessening the suffering, no matter how small, on ourselves and others.

Anyways, I do believe that I am proof of a few things. It is possible to transition on the job with little or few objections by employer, employees and customers. I am also proof, I suspect, of white privilege and specifically, male white privilege. I work in a male dominanted industry and one that is highly white dominanted (for all the wrong reasons, IMO). It is stuff like that which frustrates me since I cannot figure out how to change things (at least not just yet).  It will be interesting to see if my salary changes at the next performance review (it should — not based on gender but rather all the things I’m doing and will be doing over the next 6 months).

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.

Posted on by Posted in Gratitude, Life .
Mom and lil me (yes, early 70s)

Mom and lil me

Today is Mother’s Day. Many people will celebrate it with their mothers by taking them out for brunch or serving them breakfast in bed. Card manufacturers will make a fortune in calls and such. When my mom was alive, I know I didn’t appreciate her. Sometimes it’s the not so obvious things that really matter. My mom’s name, Michele, always hits home when listening to the Beatles’ classic; particularly since she was a huge fan of theirs.

Blogging from the cramped skies

Posted on by Posted in Life, Traveling/Work .

I write this from 30,000+ feet above the Earth. It’s kinda neat and helps the nearly six hour flight go more quickly. Interestingly enough, the flight is completely sold out. I sit way at the back, surrounded by a class of 8th graders obviously on some great adventure or returning from one. Although the flight has had its bumpy moments it is serene right now.

I look out over the vast white snow clouds as the morning sun bounces off them. The sky is a deep ocean blue, beckoning into the beyond. As much as travel can be annoying at times it is moments of this bliss that I do appreciate this giant marble of ours.

Poll Results: It’s a tough world out there but little ones..

Posted on by Posted in Uncategorized .

April’s pool was about how much discrimination is out there in regards to trans individuals, specifically directly felt. It was disheartening that when I released the poll 3-4 different trans-specific examples of discrimination and hatred had occurred. On the plus, Angie Zapata’s killer got sentence with a hate crime sentence. The results were that 70% of people had experienced direct or indirect discrimination (26 respondents). It’s rather disheartening that this still goes on. This week I introduced K to All in the Family and the vitriol of Archie Bunker (interestingly enough Carol O’Connor was extremely liberal compared to the Meathead). I noticed that the show could have easily been done during the Bush Jr. era with the same effect (but only if you could find someone of O’Connor’s caliber) only changing some of the targets of the hatred of Archie. I find it disappointing that society is still so nasty to others. If we could only do what Buddha puts forth (cause no suffering and help to end it) and what Jesus teaches (love thy brother as you would love yourself — Matt 19:17-19). Perhaps if we could take a cue from our four-legged furrkids, who seem to have endless love for us without question, then I’d never have to ask those questions.

So, given light to Bobcat’s situation and general thought of furrkids, I put forth as to what is your favourite kind of furrkid that you have or would like to have. Me, personally, if we had a house we’d have cats, dogs and a variety of other animals.

Trans Thoughts: The Battles Within the T Community

Posted on by Posted in trans activism, transgender, transition .

Going back to Ottawa last week was great in some respects, in others, not so much. I have to admit grinning internally as I’d listen to students 2nd guess my gender when they’d discuss things amongst themselves. And I got braver about using the right washroom. The biggest challenge will come next week when I’m with colleagues. Everything will be in the hotel so that will make things easier but it will still be interesting. It does press the need for my name change, to officially come out to colleagues and to move forward with necessary surgery (the heat this weekend highlighted the need for top surgery — just sweat with so many layers on trying to hide things).

All-in-all I will admit to being very lucky. Transmen really do have it easier compared to our trans sisters. And white trans individuals have more leeway than POC trans individuals. Lately, however, I’ve been reading on the internet about some of the hate-filled comments others have made about transwomen. What seems to be one of the most distressing ones is attacks from individuals that society might view as trans. Two sites I frequent recently erupted into battles over transsexual/transgender versus HBS.

Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace — Buddha

Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS) is the idea that the body was deformed at birth and thus surgical sexual reassignment surgery is needed to “cure” one self. Often it is linked to intersex disorders (intersex is a range of disorders that result in the genitals being ambigous; you can find out more here) but the thing to remember is that HBS is not intersex. And to date, HBS (sometimes referred to as “true transsexualism”) hasn’t been validated by peers or accepted by the APA/AMA. For me, this is important. For those that view themselves as having HBS, if it resolves what they feel it does within themselves, then that is good. I cannot view myself that way because it does deny where my past was, which is still something I want to honour as it is part of who made me the person I am.

One of the biggest challenges with HBS, in my opinion, is that there is a perceived view as to what makes a transsexual and how a transsexual should look. There is a huge desire that a transsexual look perfect and pass perfectly; anything less suggests not beng “true”.  Add to that a desire to not be associated with transgender (that is, gender different people who may be pre-op, no-op, etc.) as well as the LGBTQ community at large and it creates an unfortunate schism in the overall community. Granted that this is their choice, that is fine but often what has been happening is a deliberate attempt to go after those that choose another path that they are more comfortable with. I respect a person’s choice to transition or not; to view themselves as having HBS or not; to just be. Anything else would advocate that they should suffer in life and that goes against my desire to stop suffering as per my buddhist leanings. Maybe I do not fully understand all that they have experienced when they got to this point and something in their life has given them reason to hate (and, yes, I will use the word hate since that is what it’s like reading sometimes) those that do not adhere to HBS.

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.—Unknown

I can somewhat understand the cis-gendered butch’s hatred towards an FtM but there is a mythos that all FtMs were former butches and this is incorrect. This is akin to the idea that all MtFs were drag queens and flambouyant gay men. And while some go towards what society defines as male or female there are many that do not. None of these are incorrect thoughts. They are just different than what society expects, whether mainstream or within the LGBTQ society.  I do, however, have a hard time understanding the issues that are between the HBS and the overall trans community. I know that some of it is that for many HBS they do not see themselves as trans, if I understand what I’ve read about it correctly, and rather see themselves as per their gender but with a birth defect. And that’s fine.

I’m not advocating a “Kumbya” moment here but rather a respect of differences since each of us cannot walk along another’s path and remember that not all of us will fit or would want to fit Hollywood’s definition of “woman” or “man”. As a whole we need to avoid falling into the trap of judging by the cover of the individual. One would think that the recent sensation of Susan Boyle had, at the least, taught us that, no?

Bobcat, the tailless wonder, diagnosed with FeLV

Posted on by Posted in Life .
K and Bobcat, the mad purrer

K and Bobcat, the mad purrer

I’ve had Bobcat for over 15 years now. She’s a cranky kitten who’s rather tempermental. And sometimes, just mental. K noticed that Bob’s gums were swollen so yesterday we took her to the vet. We decided to get her tested as well for FeLV since the two kittens had it previously and we were considering getting a new kitten to amuse Bob. I checked my voicemail this morning and nearly threw up when I listened to the message that said that Bob was positive for the virus.

Don’t get me wrong. At Bob’s age, I know she has limited years left but this just hurts because that time could be even shorter. The kittens survived for a short period after their diagnosis (6-12 months) and it’s still somewhat fresh. I’m hoping that Bob lives for at least another year or more. To lose 4 cats in a two year period would be devastating. It never ceases to amaze me how attached we can get to these little 4 footed creatures. They each have a unique personality and can make you love them as well as drive you up the wall (Bob’s favourite thing is to meow at 5 am for no reason other than for one of us to be up with her).

This picture is one of my favourites of Bobcat in K’s arms. She’s defiant about her independence but loves the attention.