Today there was a victory for a victim who some referred to as “IT”. She was not an “it”.
She was a friend to many.
She was a sister.
She was a daughter.
And she was a woman.
But most of all she was a human being who had the right to live and be a person recognized as the person she was.
Hopefully, this will bring to light the importance of ensuring trans individuals have the same rights as others, including the most basic: the right to live.
Ok. I’ll admit this upfront. I know I’m weird for not being a big fan of Jim Carrey but I’m not. I like his more serious, darker work like “The Number 23“. Now I agreed to watch “Yes Man” because it’s one of K’s recent favourite movies. While predictable at some points, it is a simple sweet movie. What I found most profound was the message tied in the movie itself. Basically, it’s the premise that if we remain open to possibilities we live life more. And this is a very true statement. It seemed a rather ironic thought after yesterday’s post about having our social relationships constructed only online. Are we saying yes to relationships because of online or no to real time life?
But as I thought about it more, and looked beyond that post, it dawned on me that I had become a quasi-“yes man” by virtue of moving forward in life by saying “yes” to things: being more open about myself, allowing myself to move forward in transition, taking that first scary step when joining the support group, visiting a sangha, moving to the US, finding a new love, etc. For a long time I stayed with the safe, never really taking chances. It was when I began to do long distance solo bicycle touring that I realized that saying “yes” to doing those things meant a whole world was open. Heck, even saying “yes” to being frugal has had it’s benefits. For once, I have enough money in my bank accounts to pay for day-to-day stuff. Sure, not as much as I’d like and I still have credit cards to pay off but better than where I was before. Things like saying “yes” to a walk rather than sitting at home watching TV, reading rather than aimlessly wandering the internet, making food at home rather than going out, etc. Life seems so much more alive and one doesn’t need to spend a lot (it was a question I asked K in that it seemed like Carrey’s character did things that would, ultimately, break someone financially).
What do you say “yes” to?
I was reading “Lonely in the Electronic Wilderness” by Handan T. Satiroglu. It’s an interesting insight into how society has changed thanks to the Internet. Really, the big “I” internet was meant as a tool to share info. There is definitely some strong truths to it from my point of view. I’ve actually begun to wonder if we’ve forgotten how to make friends outside of the internet. We certainly have colleagues and associates at work and at our other temporary social gatherings but those close, dear friends are farther and farther apart. We turn to the internet to make social connections that are somewhat cold and calculated, useful for our time and place of things. I suspect that is why we see many people who have lots of online “friends” or “acquaintances” and yet, feel so lonely.
It’s not to say that this method of communication doesn’t open doors for those who are truly challenged otherwise by society. As a former introvert to the extreme, the internet opened gateways for me that I would never would have imagined. It allowed me a voice to be myself and move beyond the binary of 1s and 0s. But at the same time I longed for something more. I’ve been lucky that in work (P, V and S) I’ve had a few people who I’ve connected to on a more personal basis and feel a friendship there (not a deep friendship but more than an acquaintance, that’s for sure). And I consider myself lucky to have those friendships. I also know I’ve connected with a few online who I’ve met in person and have transformed from just online acquaintances to something more than just friend (perhaps not quite to full deep BFF but close to that). The likes of Arwen, Stephanie and Merrick — in addition to my K — are definitely in that category.
And then there’s my students. While many of them pop up now and again, a few I stay in semi-regular contact with (*waves to Matt*). I still have a few friends from high school (I get to meet up with one next week after not seeing each other for nearly 5 years). Much like my cousin in Alberta, we can pick up where we left off as if nothing happened. Those are the friends that I hold the dearest to me as they’ve known me for far too long and still accept me as I am. The one thing I want (and I’ve mentioned this to K) is to stop moving around. I want to be in a place long enough to make local friends and connections, regulars I can hang with and perhaps even “HERF” (enjoy cigars) with in the backyard or local cigar store. And I want our kids to have an opportunity to have long term friends to turn to for love, laughter, squabbels, support and other things that make us whole. More importantly, I want them to be able to do this in real time and not just online (it’s foolish to assume that there will not be a long term impact or permanence to online friendships and such).
One of the ways I combat being only online is my job (by nature of being an instructor you have to have an investment into your student body and care about their success). In addition to that, the support group I go to. We have created friendships outside of that and it’s been helpful. Although I’m often feeling my age around the younger guys, I still feel like I belong and that matters a lot to me. The one thing that I might yet still explore for more connections is my spiritual search. The challenge is the fact that I’m always on the road and often exhausted by the end of a teaching day. This summer promises no exception since most of May and June I’ll be on the road (including visits to San Francisco, Denver and Dallas forecasted in addition to teaching NYC).
I’m curious as to what others do to find human contact outside of the electronic world. What’s your secret for this?
I’ve been reviving my pursuit of Buddhism spirituality (I hesitate to say religion at this point as I don’t follow specific rituals but try to follow a path that sings to me). Anyways, I’ve been reading Daily Buddhism regularly now and today the post had this story in it:
I remember years ago I was getting counseling from a very wise man and explained to him how when I returned to my home town after a couple years away, I fell right back into my old patterns of life, which included many healthy choices. I explained it him this way, ” Have you ever seen those chickens at fairs that do a trick or something? Like the kind that are in a small cage with a light bulb and a piano? When I was growing up there used to be one near our house at a small amusement park. You put a quarter in a slot below the cage and the light bulb in the cage would turn on. The chicken would see the light and walk over to the piano. The chicken would peck out four or five notes on the piano and food would be dispensed as a reward. You see, I feel like that chicken when I come home. When the light goes on, I play the piano.”
My wise counsel replied, ” You have forgotten one important point. You are not a chicken.”
It’s made me think how society is like this. We’ve grown up with family and friends who choose to be what the light bulb tells us and we follow that route consistently. And then others we ignore the light bulb, following the path that is meant for them or for their friends. This past week I discovered how my perceived notions that people would judge me based on the fact that I’m transitioning is completely wrong. I need to stop paying attention to the light and moving beyond that perception. Again, it doesn’t indicate that others aren’t but personally I’m finding a life that is with limited challenge (perhaps white ?male? privilege) to what I look like and more about what I say and do. This is heartening.
“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.” — Tina Turner
I’ve yet to be challenged at Customs (Canada or US) or by the TSA.
I’ve yet to be challenged at work by colleagues or clients. In fact, most of my clients that I meet these days are convinced I’m a guy (and I haven’t had any surgery yet).
I have yet to be challenged on the street for the person I am.
My family and friends still talk with me, even if they do not understand. They are gentle and tolerant.
I still have to address my one fear — washrooms — but that is likely for naught. I think I twisted some guys head the other day when he held the men’s washroom door open as we walked to the washroom and I went into the other. I still have to remind myself of the unattributed quote: “Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears.” I do see more and more smiles as to the person I am and not what I think or have been told that others might see. We are often too overwhelmed over the negative that we let it become the norm when it really isn’t necessarily so.
I suppose I am lucky and privileged to have such a supportive network of friends and family. I’ve seen what outright hatred and denial is like through the eyes of others I’ve talked with. I suppose taking the Middle Way in regards to my transition works to allow others to see me change gradually and accept it rather than force an extreme view down their throat (forcing and/or extremism, IMO, often lead others to become rigid and unwavering in their being).
Life is good for this non-chicken. 😉
Today, if you didn’t know, is Blog Reader Appreciation Day. You know, I do have to admit I am grateful for all the different types of people that come here and read my blog. And sometimes blog writers do forget that it is the audience that makes a blog successful and allow it to thrive. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of how important you, the reader, are.
So.. Thanks. Sincerely and wholeheartedly. For without you, dear reader/friend, I wouldn’t have grown into the man I am today.
I got this via twitter and it seems rather relevant given this month’s poll. It is horrifying and revolting to see this kind of blatant discrimination, hatred and rudeness to be exhibited by people who should know better (aka ADULTS). I mean, come on. Since when did “take the head off the big motha fuckin faggot” mean professionalism? Even if you are working in an hourly position doesn’t mean that you should be rude to a person because they are different. It’s really not your place or anyone else’s to comment on that in the business world.
When you read this stuff it makes me wonder what kind of professionals are out there? Or are there any? I do know that I’ve been fairly lucky thus far to not have to deal with this but NO ONE should ever have to face this kind of discrimination and rudeness. Heck, let’s forget about even work professionalism; how about average, everyday common courtesy to treat people we don’t know with respect and politeness? Is it too much to ask??
Sigh.
I’ll update on this as more info comes. But do spread this. As a group that has long been in the back of others it is time for us to stand up united and face this head on as a group of our own.
I’m nearly giddy with joy! My fed tax refund got deposited last night and I got to pay off one of my credit cards in one fell swope. I still have state taxes to pay but they haven’t figured out that amount yet. So I’ll probably pay the amount that H&R Block figured it out to be. Thus far, they’ve been dead on for the federal version. If they get this right, then I’ll definitely be going back next year and having the same rep prepare my taxes again. The difference after the State Taxes are paid will go to what I owe to Revenue Canada. It won’t completely pay off what I owe but will reduce the amount significantly. I still have a lot to go but in the course of a month or so I’ve paid off almost 10% and because I’ve reduced my spending to nearly nothing, it’s made a dent. And that’s a really good thing. I’ll be able to increase my emergency fund a bit this month (more than I had planned) so that’s also good.
As long as I continue with this, I can really see a time when I will be debt free and perhaps I could actually change things so that my money makes money for me rather than it being an expense. One of the things that has been helping me greatly has been the iExpense Apple App. Every time I spend, I record it on my iTouch. And that makes that expense forefront in my mind as to whether I can afford it (I give myself a money “budget”). I can see how much I’m spending and on what. A simple thing like bottle water (about $1.50 a pop) can add up during the day. Even if I go for lunch I can forego having a pop or something (if I go to Chipotles or other “fast food”) and bring my own bottle, like the Camelbak bottle I got.
Anyways, time to get going as I have a lunch date with a friend. More later.
It’s amazing how one little step can make a whole difference. Even though I started my re-birth “frugalness” (born-again Frugal? sounds like a very faithful donut!) and determination to pay off my debts, I’m finding a change in my attitude towards things. I ask myself 3-4 or more times before I buy something and have been diligent about things I’m buying. I still make mistakes and minor fall-downs but I think it’s a lot less than in the past. I’ve even gone as far as to start a meager emergency fund (EF) that, if I’m good about, should cover 3 months of salary. Eventually, I want to get it to the point that it will cover a full year.
Yes, dreams for now but often if we don’t have those dreams we can’t imagine what the future will look like. I don’t want a mansion; I want a home, simple with a little yard for kids, kidlets (aka furrkids) and a little garden (being vegan we eat lots of veggies). I don’t need 3+ cars (heck, I don’t even have a driver’s license yet); 1 car, used, to start with would be good. And perhaps a 2nd car when the family grows big enough to justify it.
K and I have been talking about potentially moving to L.A. so she can be closer to her family. She has closer ties to hers than I do to mine although I do like to see mine once in a year or so. She prefers to see hers every 3-4 months. I have to admit to wanting to move out west, if just for the weather. As I get older I find I like the cold less and less. Part of that may be from the enjoyment I found on my bicycle. And certainly L.A. would be more enjoyable for that (not that NYC is horrible but I find it less inviting to cycle for some reason).
Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil. — James Allen
I do have to admit feeling very happy about things. I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. I went here to calculate the “snowball” effect of paying off debts (one thing that’s missing is the ability to move payments from paid off cards/debts to remaining ones, which would in turn, snowball it faster). I always pay more than what’s the minimum and as I pay off debts will pay even more off, thus reducing interest paid and the time to pay off. I’ll also shuffle some small parts over to EF deposits to get that to grow faster. I still have other things to deal with but getting that out of the way is first priority. Stopping or severely reducing spending (e.g., buying the bare minimum of what’s needed) helps a lot to move this forward.
As scary as this year looks in regards to the recession I have hope for the year and the years to come. Dreams are not that far away as I thought.
March’s poll results were interesting. 85% of you said that T should remain part of the GLBTQ family. This was what I had expected. It is a double-edge sword for most trans individuals. We need to be recognized and a few of us (not all) originally come from or end up going to a same-sex relationship. Much of the trans-movement came out of the the LGBTQ and vice-versa. Whether this will continue in the long term is hard to say. Days like International Transgender Day of Visibility are showing more and more that trans folk want to be heard and not ride on the “coat tails” of the LGB movement but rather stand on our own. I still believe that we benefit more, at this point, by being part of the larger voice but it’s frustrating when that voice demonizes us as well.
Certainly there is a distinction between sexual orientation and gender orientation but there is so much cross-over of the two that they really can’t be fully separated. It doesn’t mean that one should have preference over the other as far as rights are concerned. In reality, it should be about everyone’s right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”, whatever that may be. For most people, this is actually what happens. The problem is that the media and society only portray the worst of us rather than balancing things out (contrary to what Fox News claims, they are not the most balanced news out there). Learning to be open to all sides makes a difference, in my opinion, as to how wonderful life can be.
I was talking with a friend recently and we both commented on how people we expected would be more open are less so and vice-versa. It has been an interesting eye-opener for me. I’ve been taught, so to speak, from various “trans family” members that the whole of society is out to get us and doesn’t want us (for whatever reason). Part of this is why people go stealth (there are other reasons including — but not limited to — final transition to “true gender”). But it did make me wonder if perhaps I was being taught FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt) about cis-individuals when there really wasn’t an issue (I will state forthright that I am white and I suspect that some of this may be white privilege — I know from discussions with some POC trans individuals that their experience is different; it’s hard for me to speak to that experience as I haven’t experienced it and I dearly hope that they never have nor have to either experience it).
But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a real risk out there. And nor does it mean that there isn’t, for the most part, an acceptance as to who you are even if you are trans. I come to the following conclusions (your opinion may vary from mine):
So to that end, I was pondering how to word April’s poll. I figured it might be best to split this in half. For April I want to ask how many trans individuals have actually faced direct discrimination (or indirect if you found out afterwards that the discrimination was due to being trans)?