Going beyond transition

Monthly Archives: February 2009

Quick morning rant: trans != predator

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ .

Ok. Quick rant for the morning. Seriously. Whatever happened to reporting the news and not injecting one’s opinion about things?? It’s akin to telling people how to think rather than letting people figure this stuff out on their own (basically, the news media seems to believe we’re all morons). I recently came across this tidbit about Gainesville washroom issue. At issue is whether trans individuals should be allowed to use the washroom of their true gender and not be forced to use the one of their “birth” gender. The Independent Florida Alligator (perhaps a local paper?) said this about the issue.

Gainesville voters will soon decide whether to amend the city’s discrimination policy amid controversy.

The city election will be held on March 24, and the ballot will include a proposal, Amendment 1, to remove local anti–discrimination protections. Instead state–level protections would apply.

For Amendment 1 supporters, the vote will decide if male sexual predators will continue to have legally protected access to public areas designated as women only, like bathrooms.

For those who oppose the amendment, the future of civil rights in Gainesville is at stake, in particular the rights of transgender, lesbian, gay and bisexual people.

Now, I’ve bolded the line in question. It’s comments like this that people use to associate transwomen with “predator”, “pedophile”, etc. A predator doesn’t need the guise of a different gender to do what they want. In fact, they rarely do so. I suspect this may be the real reason we see it happen more often. (supposition on my part — bad, Linus, bad). What will happen, if this is passed, is that many will lose their protections under the law in Gainesville. Apparently, for “Citizens for Good Public Policy”, the organization behind this, that’s acceptable “collateral damage” (read: LGBQ will also lose protections as a result of this).

I wonder how this Amendment would fare if a cis-gender woman who has very strong masculine features or an intersex person is caught under this (not for anything illegal but the presumption of illegalities)? Collateral damages, eh? New York has a law that allows a person to go into the washroom of their chosen gender without issue. There hasn’t been a rash of attacks against women or anything like that.

This is just FUDing (propogating fear, uncertainty and doubt) at its worst.

Life or something like it (ver. 0.1)

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Finances, Life, transition, Traveling/Work .

In some ways so much is going on and yet, it does seem, in other ways that it isn’t that important. K and I went and saw Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail. This isn’t Oscar material but dayum, was funny! I needed funny. I’m doing better and I know that Rosie is in a better place now. I do want to thank everyone for their kind words. It has been greatly appreciated. I’ve been surprised how much has flowed. I know that some people don’t consider furrkids like kids and don’t understand how someone can get upset over a little critter but we can and do. Bobcat, I suspect, is starting to go through a bit of depression. She’s finally realized she’s the only one left. She’s been loking for Rosie and is starting to realize she’s not around or coming back. Since I’ve been in my office a lot lately (getting ready for an online teach this week), she’s taken to sitting beside or behind me. She’s also taken to being talkative (more like yelling) during the night. I’m hoping that this subsides soon as it kept me up most of the night. We leave our bedroom door open for her and I’ve even tried bringing her to bed so she won’t feel alone but no go.

Transitioning still seems like it will take forever to complete or move to the next stage. Part of that has been due to a hectic work schedule. It’s hard to schedule doctor’s visits when I can’t take half-days like I used to. As an instructor, I kind of have to be there for the full day. I try to schedule around my teaching schedule but the problem then arises that the doctor only has Wednesday’s available. This means that I have to find weeks that I’m not teaching to accommodate the doctor — and that can be a pain. Right now I’m trying to get something for the first week of April — only to be told that they don’t have April’s schedule yet. As a result, I’ll likely push out any top surgery until August since my May is booking up really fast.

Adding insult to injury was the fact that for a day or two, I didn’t seem to pass. I’m not sure what it is I’m doing — although I suspect it’s a voice thing. Time will settle that down. I also need to be more conscious of how I talk. Mannerisms do make a difference. I did find a few sites that talk about how the way men and women talk differently. I need to work on that a little more. It’s usually little things like talking slower, moving hands more (it’s too cold so that’s less likely), being definitive, etc. There are some things that I don’t want to do as I classify them as disrespectful masculine behaviours (e.g., dominance of a conversation, invasion of personal space, interrupting others, etc.) but I don’t think that one is male by doing those habits. I think that’s just rude.

I have been contemplating that perhaps losing weight will help me present more male, especially if I put on more muscle. I’ve never had a desire to be super skinny but rather “stocky” muscular. For me to do that, I’d need to lose about 40-60lbs. Not a lot but certainly, not a little. I actually had started “running” (more walking than running but definitely more movement) last week. I was doing it once every 2-3 days. I should have gone today but wussed out on being too tired. I may not be able to go to GIP tonight but perhaps I’ll go to bed early and then get up early with K to go for a quick run in the morning. The one advantage of teaching in CST timezone is that it’s a little later in the morning and means I can do a bit more. It will mean teaching a bit later in the evening but that’s livable for now.

What has been interesting, in my simple opinion, is that no one challenges me on these changes — outside of immediate friends and family (even then, it’s minimal). I keep expecting someone to have issue with me and yet, I haven’t faced it. My job is very public and very much customer facing. When I travel, I deal with all sorts of security types who seem to have no issue with the fact that I don’t like exactly like my photo (my face has changed considerably since I had the picture taken in Jan 08). I might try and see if I can get my name change done soon. There may be an opportunity for me to go to Vancouver in April and if so, it might be the perfect time to get a new passport done. I’m going to go on Monday to talk with the lawyers at the name changing clinic to see what advice they can offer (since it’s free) and how I might be able to go about doing this.

There will be other travel possible — San Fran in May and possibly Orlando in April (in addiction to Vancouver). It’s actually interesting since the company said they wanted to reduce travel costs. Granted, for the first quarter (Jan-Mar) I’ve been pretty much home based. I’ve been doing lots of online and have had only one week in Chicago. The rest has been online, in city (Wall Street area) or off-platform (not teaching but “learning”).

I think I’ll also file my taxes for the US on Monday. It’s weird. I’d get a decent chunk of change back from the federal level, only to have to give a decent amount of that to the state level. And I’m not quite sure how they do this. If I owe at the state level, is it just removed from my fed refund and I get the difference or do I have to actually pay the state level? (If I actually have to pay the state level, that’s just asinine). There’s a local H&R Block here who has a tax consultant from Canada. I figure he might be a good fit for me — and maybe he can help me with Revenue Canada (who’s still dragging their feet on last year’s tax return).

Anyways, nothing too exciting but it is life, no?

RIP Rosie: July 2007 – February 2009

Posted on by Posted in Life, photo blog .

Tonight, after feeding Rosie, I heard a loud meow as I cleaned the dishes. I rushed out to find Rosie lying down, her breathing laboured. I picked her up, tears in my eyes and held her. She gave a few deep breaths, mewed and then died in my arms. She had really grown on me. As feral and anti-social as she had been when we first got her, she had a little special place in my heart. I kept at trying to socialize her with the both of us and Bobcat. She eventually had come out of her shell, growing playful with string and little red laser dots that moved. She was very quiet and rarely meowed (usually when food was out). She always ate little and was tiny but in the last month she ate even less. It’s hard to believe we’ve gone from four furrkids to one in just over a year.

Goodbye, my sweet little Rosie. You will be missed.

Rosie

Rosie

Furrkids is still kidlets to the heart

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, photo blog .
Rosie

Rosie

Yesterday was a busy day and heart-wrenching. Rosie hasn’t been too well. We noticed that she had swollen glands under her jaw and wasn’t eating a lot (which can be hard to detect because she generally doesn’t eat that much). So I took her in to see the vet yesterday. This wasn’t a fun experience. I don’t like this particular vet practise but it’s the only one in the area so we’re kinda stuck in regards to this. The vet informed me that it’s likely the effect of FeLV.

This puzzled me since I could have sworn that they had said she was only exposed to FeLV (Feline Leukemia Virus) but apparently she has it. The question is whether she has the immune system strong enough to fight it. I know that Bobcat, at a robust age of 15, can fight it. But Rosie, given her timid nature has more of an uphill battle to face. The vet said that Rosie lost over 1.5lbs since her last visit (June 08 — she weight about 5.9lbs and now is at 4.2lbs).

Julia and Rosie watching the birdies

I was shocked! I knew she had lost some weight but didn’t realize it was this much. Definitely not a good thing. So we got antibiotics (to deal with the swollen glands), vitamin “goo” (tastes like tuna apparently and should help give her necessary vitamins she may be missing because of not eating) and a medication that should kick her immune system into gear to fight off the FeLV. I’m hopeful that the antibiotics will help her eat more, the vitamins give her more energy and that her immune system isn’t weakened too much. As frustrated as I am that the previous owner didn’t know or let us know that both Julia and Rosie had FeLV, I’m glad that, at the worst, they got to enjoy a full life — as short as it may have been or will be — with us. I admit that K and I spoil our furrkids.

And as feral as Rosie is, she’s got this little special place in my heart. She has this absolute innocence about things and a love for the simplest of things. Her favourite toy? a piece of cotton string I got for her. It’s impressive that she is able to play with it given how, not too long ago, she was afraid of anything that moved. She’s still not quite a lapcat but perhaps with time, she will be. I know we won’t give up on her yet and I’m just hoping she hasn’t given up yet.

A Boy and his Cat.

Rant: ths isn’t that descrip

Posted on by Posted in Uncategorized .

Rant on:

Ok. When I was a professor at a college in Toronto, I’d ask students to research about a computer security topic. The idea was that they would write about something in the manner of presenting information to their manager or CIO (or equivalent). I wasn’t looking for perfect english but professionalism. One year I got a piece that was ENTIRELY written in instant messaging (IMing or texting) “language”. “To” was “2”; “and” was “n”; “are” was “r”; and so on. Now, I have no issue with some confusion (e.g., than versus then — the eyes can fool a person but “than” indicates a comparison of something while “then” indicates a continuation of something) but I have low tolerance for poor grammar and english skills in environments other than SMS for phone messages or things like Twitter (which have limitations on characters). I’ll also comment that I can understand where english is a second language to having difficulties in grammar skills.

But when english is your mother tongue and you are given time, space and situation to come across with full sentences and thoughts why do some people resort to space saving techniques?? I don’t understand it. I suppose it’s a cultural thing and an age thing (yes, I admit that I’m getting old). But I think if you are going to write out long responses to people on forums, in emails or elsewhere take the time to do proper grammar. It shows, to me, a sign of respect for the reader as well as towards one’s self. And if you’re not sure about how to use it, start with Lynne Truss‘ book Eats, Shoots and Leaves. The book title comes from a definition of a panda given in a wildlife book: “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.” This suggests that the panda eats its food, shoots something and then leaves the restaurant.

Maybe it’s just me. Anyways, that’s my peeve of the day. If you’re not sure what it looks like, see below. I took the first paragraph of this post and “translated” it. Having a sentence or two isn’t bad but having a whole paper, post or other longer piece is just head spinning.

Ok. wen I wz a prof @ a colleG n Toronto, I’d ask studnts 2 rsrch bout a comp security topic. d idea wz dat theyd wrt bout somit n d manner of presenting info 2 their boss or CIO (or equivalent). I wznt lkn4 perfect en bt professionalism. 1 yr I got a pce dat wz Ntirely ritN n IM (IMing or texting) “language”. “To” wz “2”; “and” wz “n”; “are” wz “r”; n so on.Now, Ive no issue W sum confusion (e.g., thN vs thN — d Iyz cn f%l a pRsN bt “than” indicates a comparison of somit yl “then” indicates a continuation of something) bt Ive lo tolerance 4 poor gramA n en skilz n environments oder thN SMS 4 ph msgs or fings lk Twitter (which av limitations on characters). IL also commnt dat I cn undRst& whr en S tick lang 2 havN dificultys n gramA skilz.

Life on the Road

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Life, transition, Traveling/Work .

There is this perception that when you’re on the road for work you’ll have tonnes of time to do other things. My days on the road haven’t been that lucky. I’m usually up at 6am and don’t get to bed until midnight or thereabouts. My work at whatever location I’m at goes from about 8am until about 5-6pm. And contrary to what most might think, being a technical trainer can be quite draining. You have to be emotionally “on” constantly and nearly always have the answer, even if you don’t have the answer. It then means digging for it. It also means keeping control of a variety of personalities. The best class is when all the personalities fit (I’ve had that a handful of times). The reality is that most classes kinda fit. One or two students are either anti-social or have other challenges, whether language, personality or what-have-you. I’ve always been concerned that my very visible transition might translate into an additional difficulty but thus far, hasn’t. It may be due to my ability to present as professional and to make what I teach paramount rather than who I am paramount.

This week was no exception. We lucked out with a great class but with so many students and given that it was new material (I already knew about 85% of the material by heart and just need to bone up on that last 15%) the days were long. To add to it, we weren’t in downtown Chicago but rather in the outskirts (read: middle of nowhere). I’d get back to the hotel by about 6-6:30pm (I picked a hotel that was easily in walking distance of the location) and then hunt for food. By the time dinner was done, it was nearly 8:30pm. Then I tried to relax or get caught up on other things. Most interesting places were downtown or were already closed. That was kind of annoying.

The one huge plus from the week was that practically everyone outside of the class called me “sir”, “dude” or even “Mr. <birthname>”, the last I found particularly interesting. I have a feeling that my ability to pass even more will change with necessary surgery. The name change will be the additional step. My trans individuals I know feel they live two lives and I know exactly what they are referring to. Until one is passing 100% and has had necessary surgeries, name changes and, if necessary/possible, gender marker changes, they will likely straddle these two options. It is my professional life that is giving me a sense of belonging and safety like I’ve never felt before. I have to admit that I’m incredibly lucky to belong to an organization like the corporation I do belong to (it’s a fast growing company that some would say is large but that many employees, particularly those that have been there for 2 or more years, see as small).

Another fun thing being on the road is some of the people I meet outside of my work, like the cabby that took me to O’Hare. For the whole trip he played Deep Purple’s Machine Head (on tape cassette no less). When we got to the airport, he commented on my ring and showed me a golden skull cigar band ring that he got in German. Through his broken english he explained that it 18K. It was a beautiful ring and the design was rather intricate. I don’t think he would have done either if he had clued in that I wasn’t a guy. I love talking to the average person that lives in each of the places that I visit. To me, it shows the true side of Americana: the person that lives to create their own American dream.

Ohana means family.

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Gratitude, Life, photo blog, transition .
K and Bobcat, the mad purrer

K and Bobcat, the mad purrer

I’m pretty lucky, I do have to say. When it comes to family, I’m probably luckier than most. My family may not fully understand all of why I’m doing what I’m doing and they may (or may not) make a full effort but they do love me regardless and want me to be happy regardless. That is all that matters. I know that I’ll never be disowned, disregarded, ignored, shunned or thrown out (although the last is hard to do since I live my life independently now.

I called both my aunts today and talked with one who I haven’t seen in over a year for a good half one. It was a nice conversation and made me miss my family more. We talked a bit about my transition. I don’t believe in forcing them to call me by my chosen name for the main reason that they only do see me once a year or so. They are trying and I definitely give them credit for that. It’s not easy for them to “flip” overnight from the person they had seen and identified as their “niece” to the visual person that will become their “nephew” but I’m sure it will come.

rosie-01-17-09

Rosie getting warm on the radiator

One thing that I’m most lucky to have is K and the furrkids. The furrkids love me unconditionally as I am (particularly if I’ve got food in my hands). Rosie is still a skittish 2 year old but she does follow us both around and talks to us in her tiny, high voice. Bobcat, at 15 years, still is rather talkative (almost too talkative at times) and has become a marathon sleeper. She’d win the Olympic Sleeping division, if such a thing existed. She’s sometimes playful (when the weather is cooler like in spring or fall) but truly is active when food is late (at least to her tummy). She’ll never turn down a cuddle and purrs like mad when held. Neither furr kid has objected to my changing voice or appearance. I’m still “daddy” to them.

And then there’s K, my rock in life. I’ve been truly blessed at having a partner who is understanding, open and caring enough to support me through this whole process. It’s not just the physical that changes but the whole person that changes during transition. We are, actually, constantly transitioning our souls as we age, experience and move forward in life. I feel like I’ve been reborn again (Born Again Human?) and am going through my third life (I often divide my life up to Life Before my Mom’s Murder in 1992, Life After her Murder and Life after 2005). I’ve been lucky enough to have a transition that has been straight forward, simplistic and fairly uncomplicated (save for work visa issues). K has been understanding enough to let me be a kid again, explore things (e.g., my cigar hobby) and laugh heartily with me as we venture out in the world and sleep deeply under the stars at night. I look at my little family and know one thing (and it’s the most important thing):

I am home.

YouTube Vids of the Day: Talking Cats and the Translation

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A friend had found the first video, which is a cute vid of cats talking. It’s unusual to see cats talk to each other like this since they usually only “talk” to humans. And then I found the translation.

Those “HA!” moments..

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, transition, Traveling/Work .

I don’t get too many “HA!” moments but when they happen, they are fantastic. I’m teaching this week in Manhattan (Wall Street area). The staff there know me well and the students are random. I’ve yet to have the same student twice. That said, this is still not a place I’m fully comfortable in using the “right” washroom. So I cower quickly in and out of the “forced” washroom. Tonight, as I was leaving it, I nearly ran into a woman. She looked at me, apologized and then did a double-take on the door.

And then a double-take on me.

“HA! Gotcha, didn’t I?” was all I could think.

This would indicate that I’m passing more and more as the gender that I am and should be. I suspect the top surgery will be the final test. The only challenge now is to address the name change and figure out when that would be best to do. I’m trying to figure out if I should do it before or after top surgery. I might do it before if I have a later summer surgery and do it after if I manage to get it in the spring.

Anyways, it made my afternoon as I trudged back home through the snow that had fallen throughout the day. I think tomorrow I’ll have to wear my boots.