Going beyond transition

Monthly Archives: December 2008

Vegan Recipe: Vegan Mayo with a kick!

Posted on by Posted in recipes, vegan stuff .

Vegan Spicy MayoAfter doing some research I think I found one of the keys to a decent vegan mayo recipe: safflower oil and proportion. This, at least, creates a creamy vegan mayo. I’m still trying to figure out how to make a thicker version but for now this is actually pretty good. One of the important factor is the ratio of about 2.25 parts of oil to 1 part soy milk (unsweetened, non-flavoured kind). Basically, my recipe is this:

1/2 cup of unsweetened, unflavoured organic soy milk
1 1/2 cups of safflower oil
2 tbsp of apple cider vinger
2 tbsp fine sugar (avoid using raw sugar or other larger sugar types as they will not disintegrate properly)
3/4 tsp of mustard powder
3/4 tsp of sea salt
1/2 cup of extra firm silken tofu
pinch of cajun spice (optional — or other spice; fresh chopped garlic also good alternative)

Make sure the soy milk is chilled. I suspect this helps thicken the mixture even more. Add the milk to a blender or food processor and blend it well. It should be rather “frothy”. S-L-O-W-L-Y add the oil. This may take upwards of 10-15 minutes to do but it helps ensure that the oil is blended thoroughly with the milk. Stop the blender/processor and carefully scrap the sides down. Add the vinager, sugar, mustard and sea salt. Blend all of those with the liquid. Once thoroughly blended, chop up the tofu, add it to the mixture and blend until smooth and creamy. At this point, the mayo is ready for serving. Store your mayo in a mason jar and mark when it was made. I suspect it’ll last (if not eaten too quickly) for about 7-10 days in the fridge. If you want it to have a “kick”, make the last ingredient mixed in (after the tofu) your spice of choice. You can also stir this in afterwards to make a creamy dip for things like chips, veggies, etc. This also makes a nice alternative to soy spread on things like toast and/or in sandwiches.
Enjoy!

“Stuff”

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Finances, Life, transgender .

me-dec29Today was a long teaching day but it was good to be back on the swing of things. I think it went ok and it was relatively short for a course since it lasted only for about 10 hours today. For the rest of the week I’m going to go through some of the boxes in my office to clean out some of the clutter and organize better. I’m also going to work on some labs in between that so it’ll be a busy few days but should make it go by faster. One of the things I noticed was the amount of pictures I have but no photo album for them. Maybe I’ll get some tomorrow at the dollar store. I’ll also have to figure out what to do with all the old computer CDs that I have and don’t need any more (as I was writing this I did a search and found Greendisk, an environmental recycling service for old computer components — I think I may use that for all those CDs, cases and other older equipment). Basically, I want to streamline what I have to the basics while keeping some memories. I realize that I have too much stuff that just piles up and is never used. I think next year for the holidays I’m going to ask people to make donations to organizations I support or want to support rather than ask for stuff.

All of this is part of my resolution to cut back on “stuff” in general. I think I’m going to see how much I can cut back on and see if I can actually minimize how much I buy. I don’t know if I can stop buying everything as I do need food and have to buy ink for the printer but extra stuff (e.g., books and such) will be no-nos. To help with this I’ve cut out the gym ($30/month that was wasted previously) and cut down on what’s on my personal cell phone (down $40 as well but might be further down another $10). That means $70-80 saved a month, which translates into about $750-960 a year saved! That’s a lot that can go towards paying off the credit cards. And if I’m not spending, then I can pay even more down. If I maintain this, I could conceivably pay off about a fifth to a quarter of my debt this year alone (not including any refund stuff I finally get from Canada). I do have one commitment to do and that’s to travel to Halifax for my aunt’s wedding and then next holiday will likely be going to Los Angeles but perhaps the L.A. trip can be covered partially or fully with airline points.

I asked earlier this month as to what people thought 2009 will bring in regards to hope or dismay. And the more I look towards this path and my trans path, I see more and more hope. By getting rid of the things that once held me down, I feel more free and alive. There’s still a lot I need to sort out and things I need to explore and finish (like my novel) but I think it opens up my avenue for the future even more. Anyways, to add a little more fun to the evening I leave you with the humor of the late great George Carlin and his piece on “Stuff”. Happy New Year. 🙂

Vacations can always be so short

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

Well, I got back earlier today from my trip to Halifax. Needless to say, it wasn’t the best in regards to travel but it was great in regards to visiting family. After our flight had been canceled on the 22nd we went out on the 24th to get our evening flight. We arrived around 5:30ish since the flight was around 7:40pm and there is a requirement to be there 2 hours beforehand (specific for international flights). We settled down and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The flight was delayed by 3 hours. When we finally got on the plane, the pilot said that we had 40 minutes to get everything loaded and up in the air. The FAA has safety rules, understandably, about how many hours in a day pilots can fly. And he was about to hit his limit. We got everyone on the plane only to have the last two passengers removed because of “weight issues” (it’s a small plane). We taxi out to the runway and are about to take off when the FAA determines that the pilot is 30 seconds beyond his limit. We get pulled off and went back to our gate. We got told the flight was canceled. K and I were pissed. At this point I had figured my whole trip was a washout but as we were walking down the terminal they called us back. They declared it not canceled but rather delayed until 8am the next morning. To “placate” us, they gave us vouchers at a nearby hotel (we got the Ramada Airport Plaza — a very basic, dive of a hotel). Once we finally got our luggage and got to the hotel, it was 2am. We needed to be back at the airport at 6am so we slept for a couple of hours and then went back to JFK.

When we got there the next morning, we learned — as we checked in our luggage — that the flight was delayed yet again until 10:30am. Heck, it didn’t even show up on the board of departures so we had no idea as to its status or anything. K and I had tried to see if we could get her flight changed from a Halifax departure to a JFK departure so she could start her Los Angeles visit early but the airlines were not in a festive mood. So she came with me to Halifax for a short, less-than-24 hour visit. We finally arrived in Halifax by late afternoon. My aunt and my uncle had come to pick us up and were great to show K a 10 cent tour of downtown Halifax as well as regale her with the history of the city. We had a nice Christmas evening, exchanging little gifts and enjoyed some great conversation. K left in the afternoon on the 26th to be with her family and thankfully her flight out went well.

I got to spend some time with my aunt and we discussed my transition. I have to say that she and her fiancee tried very hard to accept my new name and gender. They weren’t perfect but I didn’t expect them to accept this overnight or without stumbling along the way. It felt good that I could talk to her about it and understand her concerns and fears over my transition. I was heartened to hear that she will go to a local trans-family support group (if her schedule allows). And I totally understand her concerns. I’ve even had them at one point. It’s that questioning of whether you are doing the right thing or not. And quite honestly, I think it’s good to have those doubts as it makes you investigate yourself and your true nature wholly. For me this whole process has allowed me to revisit old demons and flush them out as I’ve never done before.

And all-in-all, that’s been a good thing. Do I doubt the road I’m on now? Will I regret it? I think I’d regret it more by not taking it but I know, somewhere in me, that this is the right choice. I’m at peace with myself and my life. I feel as if I can move forward in life and that I’ve stepped over a threshhold into my own life for once. I wish I had more time there but the time I had was great. I’m really looking forward to going back next summer to help my aunt and her fiancee celebrate their wedding. I think it’s going to be an awesome event.

Ma Nature, you bitch!

Posted on by Posted in Life, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

Sigh. I can’t complain to American Airlines. I mean, I can complain about the fact that I booked K’s ticket and she doesn’t get covered under my gold status (stupid!) but I can’t complain about them canceling 3 flights to Halifax (Sunday evening, Monday morning and Monday evening). We got to the airport yesterday morning and our flight was canceled. We decided to not do the stand-by stuff and had seats booked on Wednesday evening’s flight. I haven’t been to Halifax in 3 years and I haven’t seen what my aunt has done to the place in that time. I love both my aunts and my grandmother dearly and it was hard to choose where to go this year (Montreal, Bathurst (NB) or Halifax) but I thought it would be fun and different to go to Halifax (although Montreal would have been easier to get to via train. I think that might be next year’s trip for me (after going to Los Angeles). So we’re killing a few days here before we try again. On the plus side, because my ticket was entirely on points with total flexibility I was able to change my departure date from Saturday to Sunday. I have to work next week so I do need to come back but at least I’ll get 3 full days with my aunt and her fiancee.

Anyways, so there was some silver lining in all this. A nice gift I ordered for my aunt arrived yesterday. And, a surprise, earrings I had ordered for K that I had totally forgotten I had ordered — arrived. So I got lots of good boy points for that yesterday.  *insert big grin here* Anyways, so we lounged around yesterday, munching on not so healthy (but yet vegan) food and watching The Dresden Files (really good show — too bad it was canceled) on hulu and then Kung Fu Panda. It was great. Today we’re gonna go with a friend to see The Day the Earth Stood Still. I never saw the original movie but this should be fun. And then, Wednesday evening we (**HOPEFULLY**) fly out to Halifax.

But an interesting thing happened when we were at the airport. I was “sir’d” constantly! I’m still working on the washroom thing but otherwise, I am definitely passing more often than before. It was rather surprising to me. I guess I forget that as I transition and because I don’t have regular contact with others, those that do meet me are finally seeing me as myself. There are some things I do have to work on. Socially, I’m a guy. We were leaving the counter after re-booking our tickets and a guy asked K what was going on. I answered for her and the guy totally ignored her, focusing on me. I didn’t even realize I had done this and was rather horrified that I had been so rude. This is a trait I’ve always had and something that I need to break. It’s not that K can’t answer but it feels like a social desire to be heard, particularly with other men. *insert male grunting here*

But I am running into the washroom issue at this point as well. I haven’t been challenged yet about using the “wrong” washroom but I suspect that will come soon. I’m gonna have to screw up better resolve about using the correct gendered washroom. How I wish JFK had family washrooms or handicap washroom, then I could use it without feeling trapped by gender. I don’t know of a single trans person who doesn’t fear public gendered washrooms and the safety issues that lie therein. I know in NYC, I’m protected (I have my little washroom gender card) by law but laws are more reactive than proactive. I’ll still have social stigma attached to me and to washroom usage. *deep sigh*

Ah well, so while K sleeps I figured I’d muck about here and try to continue farther into Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States. If you haven’t read it, you should. It’s an eyeopener. I also figured I’d check out the blogs I frequent and ran across this at The Verbosery so I thought I’d try it for this blog. Here’s the results:

ISFP – The Artists

The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders. They tend to follow the path of least resistance and have to look out not to be taken advantage of.

They often prefer working quietly, behind the scene as a part of a team. They tend to value their friends and family above what they do for a living.

Who knew, eh? The blog is definitely interesting to say the least.

Happy Holidays — see ya in a week.

December snowflakes: They sure look ripe to me

Posted on by Posted in Life .

Falling snow into NYCPatty: Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue. It’s fun.
Linus: Mmm. Needs sugar.
Lucy: It’s too early. I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January.
Linus: They sure look ripe to me
— A Charlie Brown Christmas, 1965

Tonight was the first real full snowfall here in NYC. It started mid-morning as I was on my way to get my perscription and as I walked back I got to fluff up soft, untouched snow with my boots. It reminded me of when I was a kid in Ottawa and getting to see the fun and play of it all. Animals, dogs in particular, really seem to find snow a neat thing to play in. And for some reason, I felt a tug on my heart: I so want a dog. I know next week I’ll get to play with my aunt’s dog, Marie, but I would love to have a house and my own puppy to be playful and silly with. While cats love you, especially when you feed or pet them, dogs love you all the time with total abandonment. It’s blissful. nycsnow2

It’s interesting how we find that winter is a time of hibernation and reflection, a time when we recharge our batteries so we can play and work hard during the summer months. And yet, we do play all year ’round, particularly in parts that are used to winter’s various faces, from big puffy “creamy” flakes to driving ice that batters the bricks sideways. While I can always do without the snot freezing kind of cold and the ugly slush that comes with being in a big city, this kind of near 0C/32F weather is quite nice. I sorta wish we had some on the balcony so that Bobcat could have enjoyed it some. She’s definitely more playful in the winter time and I suspect that it’s because her heavy fur coat is too warm in the summer time.

Next week, K and I will be in Halifax. It’s been years since I was there, especially in the winter. They do tend to get lots of snow but I think they won’t have too much while we’re there. Looking at the weather report seems to indicate a seesaw of warm versus cold days, with rain and snow mixed together. This should make conditions rather tricky when it comes to it freezing and such.But all in all, it should be fun.

One day, I will get to share this, I know, with a bunch of kids, some furrkids and K in our own home. Building snow critters, getting “soakers”, sluffing in and out of snowsuits in a hurry to get to the washroom, cuddling in front of a fire or heat, with vegan hot cocoa and mashmallows, and just enjoying. That is what life is about, not just this time of year.

I’m hopeful and yet..

Posted on by Posted in Life .

I have to admit being scared. If I lose my job, I have to leave the US. And I have really no home to go to. I have up-to-eyeball debt and basically, suspect, that if the worst happened, I’d end up on the streets. Not really an option I want to think about. I probably could crash with a relative but I don’t want to do that. It wouldn’t be fair to them and would be yet another admission that I can’t look after myself in some fashion or another. The company just announced some restrictions including no raises, less travel, etc. For me personally, next year will be a year of cutting back. Since the new year is only a few weeks away, makes sense to put some notes in place for next year.

Resolutions/plans for 2009:

1. Cut back on cigar purchases to 2-5 cigars a month

2. eat in more often

3. gifts no more than $20/person

4. no junk food or soft drink purchases

5.  cut back on how much food is purchased

6. cancel gym membership (done as of today)

7. cancel warcraft membership

8. no friviolous purchases and buy 2nd hand were possible

9. cancel TV (K is doing this one)

10. pay off as much debt as I can.

It will require will power and it may mean holding off on name change and other things for a bit. I suspect it may mean the green card option won’t be possible for another year or so under the company so I may need to look for an option myself. One of the things that bodes well for me is that I have some specialized knowledge and it may keep me employed with the company for the time that is “scary”.

I also won’t be stopping my transition but I’m hoping that I’ll have the benefits and be able to do what I need to move forward. The most important thing I can do is be realistic while still being hopeful. Realistic means cutting back on expenses I don’t need. Magazine subscriptions, etc. are not needed and will be considered extraneous. I’m also going to hold off on vacations for another year or two. Perhaps then things will be better and it won’t be as scary.

One can hope, eh?

Wii can be “WHEE” when sick

Posted on by Posted in Life .

I got the Rayman Raving Rabbids TV Party game yesterday. OMG! Talk about silly fun. It was great! We played a little bit last night and I played some more this morning. What I love about it is that it really gets you moving and to the point of working up a good sweat (although I’m not sure it was necessarily good for this cold). There’s shooter games (in the guise of “cult cheesy movies); dance competition (I did well on Wham’s “Wake Me Up” and the Jackson Fives “ABC” — it’s an age thing); bandstand (“Another One Bites the Dust” drums was perfect); fashion competition (ugliest bunny you ever saw); a “jackass” equivalent (boy! can they take abuse!) and a surfing (on an ironing board through space, no less) sports game. It’s totally silly and has no ounce of seriousness in it. And it’s a perfect family or party game (especially if you have a Wii board — but it’s not required).

It’s interesting to see how games have changed. I was reminiscing about the days of going to the arcade, getting quarters and trying once or twice at the amazing “Dragon’s Lair”. I tended to do better on the Centipede and Galaxa games, however. Arcades were dens of “evil” and such, along the lines of playing D&D. But you pretty much stood there. There wasn’t any interaction beyond moving the joystick and/or pushing buttons. Pinball, another favourite of mine, could have a little more movement if you “hipped” the machine (although you had to be careful not to tilt it in the process). A couple of years ago I went to a Dave & Buster’s and got to play with a boxing game. I was sore the next day from it but it was a great workout and that is what the Wii seems to provide. It’s ok to play the games because they are often silly, definitely obviously not serious and can keep a person moving as you do various things (thus, burning calories in a fun way).

It was a nice break from the bed.

Ah, yes. Winter bugs..

Posted on by Posted in Life .

Ok. So I’m whiny. I seriously get tired and exhausted when I get really sick. Last week I thought I had beaten the cold I had when I went to Toronto. At that point, it was just a cough and I figured it was nothing more than just allergies as the cough appeared more often in the evening. Then, I went to Kansas City and one of my students was really sick. By the last day, he looked like death had warmed over him. When I got back on Friday, I thought it was just allergies. I took some NyQuil and slept like a rock. But by Sunday evening, I was running a fever of 102F so I knew I wasn’t doing well. I called my boss to plan and prayed I could get enough sleep (which didn’t happen, of course). So by this morning I was less than happy. I ended up cancelling classes I was supposed to teach and go to a local clinic. Thankfully, I was covered enough that the visit and perscriptions only cost me $30.

What was nice was that the doctor was professional. When I mentioned I was on T (when asked as to what perscriptions I’m on) he didn’t bat an eye and said that it was unlikely to cause this. And that only the effects I’m seeing would be happening. So he ended up giving me an antibiotic (he thinks I have a combo of a viral and bacterial bug — the viral can’t be treated as you have to let it run the course but the bacterial can be treated). He also gave me a steriod nasal spray to help alleviate any asthma effects, something that I’m suspicious of partially causing problems with breathing lately because of NYC’s air quality. So I’m at home for the week, hacking up whatever lungs I have left, fightng off the fever, trying to break through my eardrums and resting.

Anyways, it may be a day or two before I have anything profound as I’m feeling rather stuffed in the head right now.

Transitioning to a life of happiness.

Posted on by Posted in transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

Enjoying a cigar in the brisk airAnother course taught and I’m off on my way home tomorrow. It’s going to be so nice to be home again. I have a huge desire to play my Wii, cuddle lots and just enjoy life. So often when I’m on the road there’s an emptiness to the hotel rooms and a coldness in it, even when I have the heat turned up. The staff are extremely friendly and helpful. And I learn a lot about what makes this country so fascinating and unique.

But it’s still empty and cold. I wish I could take K with me. It’d be like when we first we dating across the border. It is that sense of fun and adventure that made the whole thing special. I know I’ll be home tomorrow but it definitely feels like it’s not soon enough. I’m beginning to wonder if some of this wanting to be home is the fact that with K, I’m constantly being referred to how I want to be. Out in the “real world” I’m seen partially as I want to be seen. While it’s better than it was, it is still frustrating that I’m not 100% passing all the time. When I contemplate what the past in regards to transitioning I can honestly say that I’m glad I can transition now compared to if I had tried it say 10-20 years ago. Since it’s harder for me to transition without medical assistance, if I had tried to do this years ago I would have been required to live as a guy without medical assistance. That, however, would have created the proverbial catch-22 and I would have never been able to move forward in life to the path that I want and need to go down.

I contemplated the other day whether it’s easier to transition than before — and to some degree it is. There is better understanding of gender dysphoria and more acceptance of it. And because of this, there is less anxiety, less depression and more acceptance of a person’s own identity. Because we are able to accept ourselves, then we can move forward and so begins a cycle of positive. I had always understood that a postive attitude makes a difference in our own well-being but never realized how much a belief in the person we are and a confidence in who we are made a difference. Most of society ties into this with religious faith and belief but for many of us, that isn’t an avenue that is welcoming or a place where we belong. Being comfortable within our own skin is such a profound experience that it’s hard to explain to others who have always felt this way. When you’ve grown up and subconciously never felt comfortable in the body you were born into and then, were forced to endure society’s gender presentation and perception, finally experiencing the gender you should have been born into is a huge relief. As I listened to one trans-woman’s comments today, it is pure happiness. Yes, I could bore you with endless comments about how happy I am but I cannot express enough how happy I am and how comfortable I feel.

I won’t deny how scary it is. I’m just finishing my visit here to Kansas City, which is part of the infamous Bible Belt of the US. K was truly concerned about me being in this ultra-conservative area of the US and I have to admit that I was a bit nervous at times. But I didn’t shave my neck hair until last night (although I kept the sparse goatee on my chin). To date, no one — NOT ONE SINGLE STUDENT — has commented on it yet. I’ve passed often on the phone and will pass often in person when I don’t speak but I suspect that will become more and more 100% on all fronts in the next few months. And if I could ever get top surgery, that would be the ultimate resolution to my life and the challenges I face. As I’ve learned, as scary as it is to come out to others, it’s an incredible life lesson that reminds us how we cannot control how others feel about us or how they react to us. We can and are only in control of ourselves and what we do as individuals. We will not be remembered by how others react to us but by the things we do and what actions we do to help others.

I asked in my poll this month as to whether the future looked promising. I asked this at a time when the economy was very scary and still remains so. But there is a glimmer of hope in the economy and I suspect that things will start to turn around. I know for me that things look very promising for next year as I transition more and more. My cigar is picking up as I recently got an email by someone who wants to advertise on it (I’m going to trade ad space for some cigars which I can do reviews and freebies with). I believe the company will get a more permanent solution to have me stay in the US. And I believe and know that life is just beginning with K.

Maybe it’s not transitioning to a gender of choice but more to a life of happiness.