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Have to get going in a few but wanted to post my gratitude for the day. I am very thankful for..
— having a job I love and can keep
— having the support and love of a beautiful woman
— having the support and love of my family
— being able to move my transition forward at a pace I want
— having the ability to go to a support group to go to for more support and help
— my furrkids and the joy, love and laughter they bring into life.
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Don’t get me wrong. Charleston, SC is an amazing city. Very friendly with people who really want to help. But I really miss K. I miss our evening cuddles, discussions and laughs. I also miss the furrkids. And I miss belonging somewhere. It’s the one thing I like about the GIP group. Outside of K, it’s the only other place where I can be myself and no one questions my path or how I go along that path. I’ve spent my life trying to find a community that accepts me as I am.
And this is actually a lot harder than it seems. Many communities have predefined definitions of what their members might look like, be like and what their experiences are. And as much as some members want to be open, the majority often seem to balk at that which is different. What’s most disturbing about this is that it often appears in a group that is already disenfranchised elsewhere. Trans individuals are often pushed to the outside by the very groups that are often excluded from the rest of society.
It’s funny in some ways. I had expected for mainstream society to reject me but not the society or group that apparently is supposed to be open and supportive of me. I’ve been pondering this whole idea more and more as I’ve gone further into my transition. One of the things that I think is happening, from my point of view, is that I’m starting to be viewed as “straight” because I’m viewed as a male (and thus, a man) and interested in a woman, who many don’t necessarily view as queer. My time in the lesbian community has been short and my own background was that of a heteronormative life. So because I don’t have the same background as others, I’m viewed always as an outsider and believed to not be able to understand. Perhaps true but each experience that we all have brings so much more to the table.
Certainly some trans individuals don’t feel that they belong in the LGB community because they view their whole identity as straight and heteronormative and what they are addressing is a birth defect. But that doesn’t include all trans individuals. Much like the rainbow that represents the LGB community, it also represents the trans community. We have queers, gays, lesbians and even straight people. Maybe we need to stop looking to the LGB groups to represent us and become our own representation. The reality is that it’s human nature to want to belong to some form of community. We do this by volunteering, being part of a spiritual group, joining a political party and other community-like options. For some, the internet even acts as a potential place to find community. But even online we find exclusions and separation. Perhaps, for me, part of the problem is wanting too much to feel like there is somewhere where I belong beyond my home.
At least, I’ll be home soon. And next week I’ll hang with the guys from the GIP. I’ll be able to report, at least, more instances of passing. I got called very definitely “sir” today when I left the site I was teaching at. I suspect that some of the “Ma’ams” I get of late are more of a confirmation for others as to how they want to view me than how they do view me. More and more I’m confusing others as to where I fit. The next thing that I need to do will probably be the thing I need to finally have others see me as I’ve always seen myself. I’ve been doing some self portraits of myself of late and can’t help but see the transguy/man that’s there.
And you know, regardless of what anyone else thinks I like what I see and who I see.
It’s all a good thing.
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It’s that time of the year again. Tonight, ABC is showing It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. If we were to dissect it, it highlights the challenge between those who truly believe in things and those that don’t. My namesake, Linus Van Pelt, always has this absolute, naive belief in people and their good nature. I have to agree with him on the idea that people are, somewhere under their stress and other issues, truly good at their core. This week I’m in Charleston, SC and I’m being overwhelmed by the genuinely kindness of the people here. I do truly believe that people care about others and want to help, and it’s nice to see people actually doing it.
Anyways, in the name of belief, do YOU believe?
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Oh, I’m not looking to be on the road again…
Now that you have that stuck in your head, I’m heading out to Charleston, SC. My flight leaves at 6am. I had no choice on this one because I realized early this morning that I had stupidly booked for a Tuesday departure. This is a problem since the class starts at 9am on Tuesday. Ah well. I’ll be there early and perhaps the hotel can hold on to my luggage while I wander a bit around the city. That’d be nice. I’ll be 5 min from the airport and about 10 minutes from the site I’m teaching at. I think I’m about 20-30 minutes from downtown. I’m thinking of hiring Charleston Green Taxi for the week. It’d certainly make life easier for me and I wouldn’t have to worry about finding a cab that could take a credit card.
One of the things that’s nice is that the hotel is a suite hotel. That means microwave and fridge. I’ve also gotten a smoking room so I can enjoy a stogie at the end of the evening if I wanted to. The downside is that the only place nearby to get groceries is a Wal-Mart (boo! hiss!). Charleston doesn’t seem to well known for vegan fare so I’m kinda out of luck on that. It’s going to be a busy 4 weeks of teaching in a row (a week in Charleston, then online teach and then two in a row at our Wall Street site) but at least it’ll keep me busy. And since I know I walk about 3 miles each day I teach, I should do well as far as exercise is concerned so yay me! When I get back on the weekend, I’ll have to book mine and K’s tickets to Halifax for the holidays. I had almost forgotten abou the voucher (which I’ll use on K’s ticket) and I’m only shy about 2,000 points (about $50) to cover the full cost of my ticket. So this will still be a nice thing to do at little cost. Then I’ll only have to worry about gifts.
Whee.