Going beyond transition

Category Archives: hate crimes

Southern Comfort Documentary (2001)

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I’ve been absent from my support group of late. A lot of it is because of work. The reality is that there is only so much time in a day and teaching, often, in the CST timezone means that I often don’t finish until 6pm EDT. Sometimes I’m on the road.  Since it takes an hour to get to group it means I often miss out on attending. It’s hard at times since the group is often the closest thing to an extended, closer-to-touch family. I do miss it. One of the things I’ve wanted is a large family to be around. I’ve known a large part of my life alone. Having that option where I could invite friends over, have a beer and a cigar, yap, laugh, etc. is something I’ve wanted. Having siblings of some sort, with some kind of shared experience of life, is the other thing I’ve wanted.

Today, as I avoided doing some work, I watched Southern Comfort (2001). It was a wonderful DVD in that it showed the great family connection that Robert Eads and his “sons” made but heartbreaking and maddeningly baffling that the health care system so blatantly ignored the basic raison d’etre for health care: to look after those that need medical help. I have to say that I’m incredibly luckier than most at the support that I’ve gotten from the medical profession here in NYC. As much as I want to move to small town, parts of me worry about the exact issue that Mr. Eads experienced during his lifetime. To die of a curable cancer because no one would treat you is just wrong. My post this morning was about universal health care and whether it could exist here. I have doubts since patient’s rights are not something that seem to be considered.

To keep the good of the patient as the highest priority. — Modern Hippocratic Oath #7

Since so many doctors are taught to put the value of medicine before the needs of the patient, even if universal health care came to be many patients will be ignored because they do not fit into the societal definition of male or woman. I’m not sure how denying someone medical help because they are trans is ensuring that the “good of the patient” is being kept as a priority compared to one’s own fears, prejudices and ignorance. And before someone says that it was perhaps the medical profession was unable to do it, when they called they referenced the trans portion at the end. Until those words were mentioned, the medical professions were eager to help. As to the reasoning as to why they refused to help isn’t clear. It could be anything from fear to ignorance to just place hatred?

I’m sure a lot has changed since this video was made, especially since the Southern Comfort Conference is held in Georgia. But I’m sure there are still areas and medical centers that still discriminate against trans individuals. I wonder how much this is changing with the more visible younger trans guys that are more evident these days? Hopefully, the economy isn’t used as an excuse to prevent an individual from getting support these days. One can only hope that one day health care will be about providing patients with the best possible care, regardless of who the patient is.

It’s not just a really big show

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I recently read Véronique’s blog where she discusses an article by the Catholic Exchange where ENDA would legal protections against discrimination based on gender identity . In a nutshell, they say that trans individuals are deceivers, particularly focusing on MTFs, because they (transsexuals) are those “who reject the sex they were born with and want to be publicly accepted as the other sex” and want protections as well as additional consideration for hate crimes against trans individuals. As I read the article and a few of the comments, I thought to my blog entry to yesterday. So I thought about the discussion and some of the premises that it was based on. It was based on the fear that it would allow men in women’s dresses to go into women’s changing rooms and restrooms. I was surprised they didn’t use the “rape and pedophile argument” that is often used in this case. The whole thing is based on the idea that it’s a deliberate attempt to deceiver others, society and themselves. And that it’s being encouraged by the mass media and medical professions.

“We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

The more I thought about it,the more I was puzzled by items in the article. So began taking it apart, starting with the word “deception”. This is an old word from the 1400-1500s and is defined, by dictionary.reference.com, as a noun, to be either ” 1.the act of deceiving; the state of being deceived.” or  “2.something that deceives or is intended to deceive; fraud; artifice”.  Ok. I can live with that definition. But who’s being deceived? They claim the public is being deceived by the media and activits; the individual themselves are self-deceiving both themselves and others; and that the media and medical profession is deceiving trans individuals into believing that they must do this. Hrmm.

So, my own thoughts from when I was younger — before gender mattered to me — about seeing myself as male was a self-deception? And which is worse: self deception or perceived deception of society? Honestly, if no one knows my gender, does it matter? If it doesn’t matter why are people being killed over it? (Well, they did say that it was understandable to have this reaction because of the fact that one has “deceived” the other person of their “true” DNA). By their logic, I should spend the rest of my life in a gender that never fit, that’s not comfortable and caused me more personal grief over the course of my lifetime. It is almost as if they are saying that the person attacking is the victim, not the person being attacked.

But part of the premise that they are forwarding is a belief that there is a deliberate attempt by a trans individual to “deceive”. And what they do not understand or perhaps, may not be able to comprehend is that this isn’t a choice to do an action. For me, deception involves a deliberate intention to commit fraud to someone else and that we are aware that it is a fraud. And (yes, I’m generalizing but take a leap with me, please) I suspect that many trans individuals, like myself, don’t view transition or being trans as a fraud but rather that we’re finally being authentic as was given to us. A born-again Christian once said to me that while he didn’t understand my path he did admit that he felt that God had put many challenges before me. And he’s right (whether it is God, Allah, some other deity or none my life has been filled with a variety of challenges). I had always wondered why others were happy with life and how could I get in on that. I tried all sorts of things — things that often made me feel uncomfortable and made me feel like a sham, a fraud.

You should not live one way in private, another in public.  — Publilius Syrus (Latin writer of maxims, 45BC-1BC)

Apparently for those that believe the way that the Catholic Exchange do I should live my life as a sham than as my true self because society might have issue with it. I look back at the past and how Jesus or Buddha wer defined (I use Jesus as a reference since it’s a person that a Catholic could identify with; please be assured I am no way near the compassionate man he or someone like the Buddha was) during their times on the planet. Both men were viewed with fear, revulsion and misunderstanding until people took the time to learn about them and what they were talking about. Both had little desire to cater to the wealth and helped those that needed the most help. They remained true to themselves as beings rather than living up to the desire to fit into a specific view of things: one was the son of a carpenter (and probably likely to inherit that role) while the other a king and believed to inherit riches beyond imagination at the time. Society would have been happy with that but they “bucked” the trend and went with what they felt was the true nature of themselves.

If others choose to believe that someone like me deliberately attempts to deceive them, the one suggestion I have: this ain’t about you. It’s about me and what fits for me. I’ll let you know what you need to know when it’s relevant. There are a lot of things about me that others don’t need to know (although I do talk a lot here about what seems like everything) but there are some things that are on a need-to-know basis or will be on that basis.

Happiness Can Only Exist in Acceptance .. but whose?

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

So this week I’m in Dallas. It’s been a decent week albeit hot. And I don’t just mean warm, I mean so hot an egg could fry on the pavement if you put it there. The food culture here is also challenging. The deep-frying of everything can be a bit much (although, if I wasn’t vegan, I’d try the deep fried Snickers; maybe if they could deep fry an oreo for me or something). I did have deep fried corn on the cob (!!?!). It did seal in the juicyness of the cob but there was nothing more to it than that. Food aside, it’s been both a good week and a bit depressing. It’s good in that I’m rock star as I teach. The students seem to be enjoying it and staying awake (heat be damned). This is always good and getting lots of questions, even in a small class, has been good. I’ve been “Ma’am” and “she’d” a little more than I’d like, however. It’s weird after going for weeks on end where I get “sir”, “mister”, etc. to be given the other gender like that. It’s almost a slap in the face as to what I do not feel comfortable in.

This is a stark contrast to last week when I felt like I was on top of the world. The variety of activities that ensued to make life seem far more exciting and safe than they do this week. I’m actually kind of concerned, given that I’m in Texas — relatively conservative compared to other places, about how others may be reacting to me and how my presence in certain areas (e.g., washroom and such) may heighten the risk to my personal safety. My students seem ok but it’s really everyone else that I have to deal with that worries me. The looks I get (and ignore for the most part) have me wondering if someone is going to try something. For all of my life I’ve never been worried about my safety until now. The more I experience this the more I want some basic surgeries to address what is still left to address.

This week has seen a continuance of the discussion of Chaz’ decision to transition. It is great in one way to have such a public figure transition but in others, it may open up more of a challenge for other trans individuals. We’ll be expected to be as open and public about our process. For me it’s not an issue but for others it may be. They  may have more of a private life that they do not want to be shared nor do they want that expectation to be shared looming over them. Additionally, Chaz startdoom is a benefit to him, even if it’s inherited. He’ll likely be treated better than the average trans individual. This will be true, IMO, on a face-to-face basis. When one is viewed from a distance a whole variety of other factors will come into play, particularly anonymity. The responses by the general public has been less than positive. If anything they have been worse than what I’ve seen against other trans individuals.

In some ways it would be nice to let the public see how a transition is and what it’s like to face discrimination, particularly when people don’t understand the reasoning behind transitioning. It’s not about what’s in society; it’s not about wanting privilege; it’s not about trying to fit in with what society accepts. It is about what is acceptable to the self and how a person views the self in regards to others. I understand why others cannot see the world as I see it and why I have this need or this coercive soul-binding draw to do what I must just as much as I cannot understand what it’s like to not have that in place. The important thing is to remember that not all of us walk the same path. Whether you call it God, Fate or just what life is we each have our own path put before us. Degrading and demeaning one of us affects us all.

As much as I would like to be accepted by society I know that will not be the answer to my ultimate soul happiness. For that, I have to accept myself as is. And try as I might, the view of what I am is very different than what I was born with (just the external parts — inside, there is a lot I like although I’m constantly improving and updating). Shouldn’t that be what our lives are about? Experiencing, learning, growing??

A history of the same-sex marriage in the US

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, Politics .

I had a lunch with a friend over the weekend who explained to me a bit more about the US Constitution and how it’s supposed to protect minority groups from being oppressed by the larger majority. It’s interesting to note that this is actually what is going on in the US and no one has taken it to the federal court to challenge the bans on that exact basis:

Transparency: A History of Gay Marriage Bans

Transparency: A History of Gay Marriage Bans

A victory from a tragedy.

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes .

Today there was a victory for a victim who some referred to as “IT”. She was not an “it”.

She was a friend to many.

She was a sister.

She was a daughter.

And she was a woman.

But most of all she was a human being who had the right to live and be a person recognized as the person she was.

Hopefully, this will bring to light the importance of ensuring trans individuals have the same rights as others, including the most basic: the right to live.

Hatred: Sometimes it is just blatant.

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ .

I got this via twitter and it seems rather relevant given this month’s poll. It is horrifying and revolting to see this kind of blatant discrimination, hatred and rudeness to be exhibited by people who should know better (aka ADULTS). I mean, come on. Since when did “take the head off the big motha fuckin faggot” mean professionalism? Even if you are working in an hourly position doesn’t mean that you should be rude to a person because they are different. It’s really not your place or anyone else’s to comment on that in the business world.

When you read this stuff it makes me wonder what kind of professionals are out there? Or are there any? I do know that I’ve been fairly lucky thus far to not have to deal with this but NO ONE should ever have to face this kind of discrimination and rudeness. Heck, let’s forget about even work professionalism; how about average, everyday common courtesy to treat people we don’t know with respect and politeness? Is it too much to ask??

Sigh.

I’ll update on this as more info comes. But do spread this. As a group that has long been in the back of others it is time for us to stand up united and face this head on as a group of our own.

Ah, yes, the washroom dilemma

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, Politics, trans activism, transgender, transition .

This remains one of my biggest challenges to overcome. Ya, it’s a nagging fear and I just need to push forward but I think I’m getting there. I just wish that society didn’t put so much into it. I mean, really. When you think about it. At home, do you have male and female washrooms? In public we’re all there to do two things: use the washroom and then wash our hands afterwards. Do we have to make a big deal out of it? For Gainesville, FL., it was a big deal. Enough to have a vote over it. The result of the vote was to keep the law, which protects trans individuals to use the washroom that reflects their gender, was 58% to keep while 42% to repeal it.

Quite honestly, it’s someone like me, a trans person who is in that in-between stage of transition, that benefits the most from the law. Those who have transitioned years ago and are read 100% of the time in the true gender don’t have to worry too much about this but it’s those that have just started or are limited by funds from fully transitioning that this protects. The idea that it opens the door for a rapist to use this as a defense is laughable. I mean, seriously, how often does rape actually happen in a washroom? I have to ask because I did a search and found the following: most rapes will occur by a person you know in a place you know (apt, home, work). Now, this isn’t to say it isn’t possible but I do think that the funds spent on trying to repeal this law could have been used for better education and support of rape victims in general.

Why not offer self-defense classes and empower women to be able to stand up against aggressors?

Why not put up public service announcements to teach adults and children alike to be aware of danger signs?

Why not make children aware of “bad touch” but know that “good touch” is ok as well?

Why not…

The expectations of young people today are very different from 30 years ago. People don’t like big dormitories and communal washrooms. They want more privacy and that is what we are trying to offer them. — Duncan Simpson

Because it’s often easier to be reactive than proactive. Rather than spend the time to be aware, to re-create trust in our society with each other, get to know each other, be there for each other, we’d rather admonish others and continue a cycle of fear. I think society is exhausted of fear, uncertainty and doubt. I think society is tired of living in “uncertain times” and wants life to be simplier. Perhaps this cycle of downturn will benefit us in that it will teach us to appreciate each other more, appreciate more of what we have and respect others of what they have. Maybe it will even teach us to be supportive of each other in these harsh times and less reactive.

Maybe.

It’s interesting that the main focus of this is over whether “men” go into women’s washroom but not vice versa. I’ve actually been told that there is less of a threat for me to go into a men’s washroom than if a transwoman goes into a woman’s washroom. The more I see comments like that the more convinced that general society views trans women from a societal view of giving up on privilege (male privilege) and trans men going for privilege (both of these ideas are the farthest thing from the truth for 99% of the trans people I know). There always is a threat for a trans person, regardless of whether it’s a trans man or a trans woman. It’s the fact that a person is trans that’s often viewed as a threat. Perhaps it’s an overblown threat, particularly in larger cities but it still rests in the back of my mind and is probably the thing that holds me back some. I’ve gotten more brave as I pass and am read more and more as male. I know I haven’t run into any trans male who has said they were assaulted or attacked for using the men’s washroom (trans women really do get verbally and physically assaulted in both and that’s a horrible, harsh reality) but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Male rape does exist as well.

I think it’s time to stop feeding into the reactive and be proactive on my own as well. It’s always another step moving forward toward complete and total self-satisfaction and happiness.

Fun, eh?

Everyone Matters: Dignity and Safety for Transgender People

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

My biggest fear still remains work. Friends and family have certainly begun to understand (or at the least, tolerate) at this point. Seeing this video (and particularly, seeing someone being accepted by a company as large as Microsoft) gives me more hope given that I work for a just company as well. It’d still never be easy nor without challenges but it’s nice to know.

Thanks to Krystle for posting it. 🙂

Trans Mentoring by Cis-Gendered “Big Brothers/Big Sisters”

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I was reading Jacky’s blog today and a bit of an epiphany (??) struck me (well, something like that). I’ve heard, and personally experienced, where cis-gendered men help trans men learn various male activities: tying a tie, smoking a cigar, how to dress, etc. Sort of a quasi-bonding effect. And it’s made me begin to wonder if this is the one way to remove “hatred” towards trans individuals by involving cis-gendered individuals into the transition process. It’s not to say that they should be forced to participate but rather that if help is offered, it may be worthwhile to accept it. Laws do not help society accept change; being exposed to a positive experience does (conversely, so negative experience re-enforce stereotypes and poor preconceived notions).

This is also not to say that if you’re stealth that you come out, looking for a cis-gendered mentor/big brother/big sister. I think that having this, especially as we go through our puberty stage of life (yet again!), can be helpful all around in the long run beyond us. Those that did the Stonewall Riots started the path for us. This helps us set that path more and more as an open one for all who walk down this path. And, ideally, to do so without fear, uncertainty or doubt (there should be a healthy smattering of each of those but they shouldn’t shadow our lives to non-existence).

One thing I’m not sure of is whether this is strictly something that FTMs experience it or whether trans-women get help from cis-gendered women as well (strangers, colleagues rather than spouses). But even spouses, to me, are more supportive when they feel they are part of the process and have value to add. It’s really something that is needed and can be helpful, especially for someone like me who didn’t really have male role-models. I have recently joined FTM Mentors as one place to get some support from other trans guys and I might see more support from colleagues in May (we’ll see — it will be interesting to see what is said or asked).

Random Transition thoughts

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

I’ve noticed more and more, as I get further into my transition, that my body dysphoria is increasing. As a kid, I was never fond of my breasts and never had a strong attachment to them (albeit they are rather attached to me). But I can remember not wanting them, largely due to back pain and just general disassociation with them. I took more pride and desire to magnify biceps, neck and thigh muscles (muscular look, not feminine). Those feelings have always been there for as long as I remember (although I didn’t know why nor did I want to question why). That all said, I have to admit being surprised as to how much more that disassociation would grow now that I’ve been on T nearly 8 months now. Some might say that if I had only the right kind of body image support at a younger age my present path wouldn’t have happened.

Maybe.

But I doubt it. I had lots of body image support. My family was always supportive of the person I am and always made me feel comfortable about the person I was. I just could never be comfortable. I was always awkward about who I was and never quite seemed to get it. I suppose it was that feeling of not belonging to society as a whole. I couldn’t understand how people were ok with themselves and how they dealt with this disconnection. Today, I finally understand what the connection to one’s body feels like and what I need to do to feel complete.

This doesn’t come without doubts. Certainly I wonder whether this is the path for me. That’s normal. I do think that not having doubts can be detrimental because it just assumes everything will be solved by whatever drug. That isn’t the final answer but may be part of the answer. For me, thus far, it has been. I also suspect that surgery may be part of my path (at least top and hysto). The top surgery would be more than my trans desires; simple pain relief is a big factor there as is breast cancer prevention (there are some studies that indicate that testosterone in a genetic female body can contribute to causing breast cancer).

And yet, I still ask: am I making the right choice? I pass more. I feel more comfortable with myself and who I am. I’m more confident about the person I am, even in public. Part of me wonders “why me?”. Why couldn’t I have been happy with the way I am? I don’t think it’s wholly nature or wholly nurture but rather a mix of the two. Certainly gender is partially socially constructed (i.e., society determines what the accepted gender of an individual is) but it is also personally constructed (i.e., how we perceive and present ourselves to everyone else).

To me, to transition, means that I get to sync up what the personal view is with what the societal acceptance is. Granted, there are times when I may face some challenges but I have found that it’s less likely to happen for an FTM than compared to an MTF. I suspect some of this (actually, most of this) is tied into misogynistic views and male privilege thought (i.e., an MTF is giving up privilege, thus weak and thus challenging the existing system & potentially becoming a threat).  I also have noticed more challenges to those that choose to be stealth, are discovered to be trans/non-cis-gendered and thus, become the target of rage because of a feeling of being lied to, deceived, etc. To me, a cis-gendered person won’t be able to understand the whys of something, especially if it’s hidden from them. It could be a sense of privilege being stripped from them (i.e., they feel that they thought they knew what gender a person was and that thought was comforting).

Perhaps since I’m still at that grey area of life/transition where I’ve got one foot in the old door and one foot in the new that I don’t face as much of a challenge. In fact, one of the things I’m finding as I spend more and more time in the new is this lack of challenging who I am. I haven’t shaved my goatee/beard and no one has issue with it. Much like some others I know, I rarely seem to face overt discrimination or challenge. I’m not sure why. This certainly doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. I know it does. I suppose I should be thankful that I haven’t had to face it or, perhaps, not having to face it overtly.