Oh wow. I’ve been bad again about keeping things up to date, eh? Lots of good things have happened in the last little while so may be time for an update.

Yes, yes. I did succumb to the hype and got an iPhone 4. And to be honest, I love it. I still haven’t had the same issues that I keep reading about. My signal has been pretty good to begin with and I did get a bumper (which has been recently refunded thanks to Apple). I had been waiting, for what seemed like forever, for Otter Box to release their Defender series case. That arrive today and my iPhone is now snuggled into a decent case to protect against my clumsiness. Thankfully, it’s not as nearly as big as my Blackberry Otter Box case nor as heavy. The multitasking OS is awesome now and far more helpful. I’ve become more of an app addict and have found more apps that are useful for me.

And speaking of apps, I started using C25K (Couch-to-5K). I’ve been using this in the last couple of weeks to increase my weight loss. I had lost 10lbs but had plateaued. With my online teaching and the heat index, I hadn’t been leaving the apartment that much. This program has been helpful at pushing my body to burn more calories. Every other day I run/walk (5 min warmup, 30 min run and 5 min cool down) towards eventually running a 5k (this is a 9 week program). Once I do that, I’ll probably get the “Ease into 10K” (10 week program) or “Bridge to 10K” (6 week program). Thus far, I’ve lost an additional 4lbs (see chart below).

Get your own graph at skinnyr

While I still qualify as “morbidly obese”, I’m making progress. I’ve dropped 3+ points on the BMI scale and if I continue at this rate (about 7-8lbs per month, I might break 200 by the end of the year. This would be good for a variety of reasons: better health, top surgery options, better self-opinion of myself. I’ve never been happy with myself when I can barely fit into seats on airplanes and this will help me deal with that better. I’ve lost about 2-3 inches off the waist as well so that’s good.

And I might be flying more (not necessarily more often but rather I may be doing fewer online classes). I’ve gotten a new role in the company. While I’m still an instructor, I’ve also picked up the role of tech lead. This will mean I’ll be doing more specialized classes and a lot of research (which I enjoy and should allow me a more flexible schedule). I’m still waiting to see what happens with the visa (should be hearing on that in September sometime). Although I cannot leave the US until that time is up, I may have to so I can get a new passport. I finally got my birth certificate changed and have sent off for a new SIN number. With the birth certificate and SIN, I could finally get a new passport with my new name.

I don’t think I could ever envision I could be this happy with my life.

Life is good, indeed.

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HURRAH CANADA!

Women's Team Canada wins gold

It was nice watching Team Canada win over Team USA last night, even if it was on NBC (they really need to improve their coverage). As I watched them play, it brought back a flood of memories when I once dreamed (prior to the explosion of women’s hockey) of playing in the NHL and elsewhere. Today, I’m not even sure if I could join a pickup league. I took a look in Google for teams in Los Angeles and did find the L.A. Blades, a lesbian and gay community team but they have no indication if trans individuals are allowed to play. As I continue further into my transition and yet, still am in the in-between stages of things (since surgery is still lacking), I find team and community oriented sports still lacking in trans support. I suppose that’s why I’ve taken to liking cycling since it is primarily a solo activity.

In fact, assuming that the visa stuff works out, I’m planning on a L.A. to San Fran trip next year and the year after doing a L.A. to Vancouver, BC trip (Veronique, if you’re still there I’d love to meet up with you and your wife). I miss cycling almost as much as I miss hockey. I suppose some of this has to do with the 3 books I finished reading this week: The Sex Lives of Cannibals: Adrift in the Equatorial Pacific, Getting Stoned with Savages: A Trip Through the Islands of Fiji and Vanuatu and Lost on Planet China: One Man’s Attempt to Understand the World’s Most Mystifying Nation. If  you get a chance to read any or all of them, do so. They are a great way of looking at life elsewhere and not just a tourist way of looking at this. I have to admit that Troost writes how I think when it comes to visiting other places. It’s more than just the places; it’s the people and how they go about their daily lives. It makes the world more connected and real, at least to me.

Blizzard for February, 2010 (Queens, NY)

I know I shouldn’t put too much attachment to hockey and solo bicycling touring but it’s so much darned fun to enjoy both of those pursuits. It never was the winning (although a nice side effect) but more the actual doing and the people that one meets in both. That said, I’ll likely stick to cycling for the near future since I don’t need  a car for it and I do for hockey (returning back to a goalie role would mean having a ton of crap to haul). Plus cycling is far healthier for me. I enjoy the tranquility of travel on two wheels and the sense of accomplishment when reaching a destination. It’s also a tad cheaper than hockey and more flexible although cycling does prefer better weather (I have cycled through a couple of hurricanes but snow is a little more difficult).

Cycling also lets me dream of faraway places. I still have dreams of cycling through the UK, France, to see the Dalai Lama and through parts of Africa. It all is so tempting but I know I will have to put it on hold at one point once kids arrive so I should try to get one or two of those faraway places under my belt at some point. In the meantime, I’ll dreamily ponder what it would be like biking up and down the Western Seaboard and the southern US.

Hilly comes to mind.

At least, there’d be no snow.

I hope.

The Dance of the Fountain..

This week has been a challenging one. Granted last week was fun. I got to stay in Vegas and teach there, which meant that in the evenings I got to enjoy the town a bit. That was good. I won some, I lost some. I think my biggest win was $70, which I used to buy some premium cigars. I think in all I lost maybe $40, which is a reasonable amount. I will say that if you go to Vegas, want a decent hotel room (with a full kitchen), willing to pay around $100 and don’t mind being directly on the strip (but can get a free shuttle to the Mandalay throughout the day/evening to go to the strip) then the Homewood Suites near the Vegas Airport (right across from it, actually) is a place to stay. The staff were amazing (particularly those during the Monday-Thursday shifts). I’ve stayed at quite a few hotels in my time but these guys were the best.

Clean shaven boi

One day I’d like to return to Vegas for non-work reasons and just have fun truly exploring the whole city. I didn’t get to the older part of Vegas like I did last time and I would love to visit some of the more natural sites. Maybe I should plan a bike trip from Los Angeles to Vegas in a couple of years. I did stick to my workouts for the two weeks I was on the road (Toronto and Vegas) and my diet was so-so. It could have been better. I learned that Vegas Portions are a supersized version of American portions, which are, to my Canadian eyes, to big as it stands. Flying back wasn’t fun as Mother Nature had some nasty things in store. I lucked out in that I missed most of it, although I got snarled in the after-effects. I had ended up on a single stop over — Vegas to Los Angeles to NYC. The Vegas to LAX part was packed but LAX to JFK was really empty. Either way, I managed to get upgraded to business class and it made the flight kinda better. I certainly didn’t have as much inspect as I had when traveling from Toronto to NYC (they’ve added in at least two more search options). Interestingly enough through all my travel I never got challenged on my passport. My picture doesn’t match my face any more and, to be frank about it, I suspect it’s a white male privilege thing. The beard and simple moustache should have thrown up markers since my gender didn’t match but that means either no one was threatened, didn’t care or didn’t notice.

Upon arriving back, I decided to shave the beard (leaving the pencil thin moustache). It was kinda shocking to see my bare face again (I left a little on the chin). K did a double-take after I had shaved it and, I think, still trying to come to gripes with the new face. Heck, even I am. It was funny that when I had the beard, I could have sworn I saw my uncle P looking back at me. As hard as life has been in the past for me, I will say that it was my mom’s siblings and her mother that centered me enough to become the person I am, even if it wasn’t what they expected. I’m a rather self-centered child (a side-effect of being an only child growing up around adults, I suspect — not an excuse but more of an observation).

NYC Blizzard (Feb 2010)

For the rest of the week, I had been battling a rather nasty head cold. All I can say is “Thank the gawds for the inventor of Nyquil!”. This stuff knocked me out for two days in a row, giving my body enough time to recover. And since this was an off-platform week for me (plus we got pummeled by more snow) it was great. As it turned out, K had a “Snow Day” on Wednesday. She squealed like a little kid when she saw all the snow falling. And more so when she began playing with it (making mini-snowballs). I treated her to some vegan hot chocolate and vegan marshmellows with a bit of not-so-vegan chocolate liquor mixed in. It was an awesome way to spend the afternoon as the sky fell down to the earth. It also allowed me to catch up on my Hulu queue and finally clear that out as well as get through the 3 NetFlix videos. The Beautiful Daughters one was particularly good. As a trans guy, I’m pretty privileged in many ways but the most important way is that I blend in a lot easier and am accepted far more than many of my trans-sisters are. This is probably part of why there was no issue with traveling between Canada and the US thus far. This video, which documents the first trans women version of the Vagina Monologues, is absolutely beautiful and shows some of the same difficulties that many trans women face that cis-gendered women face. And then some. If you can get the video and haven’t seen it, do so.

In other news, I’m hopeful that this year will be a good year for work. Some of my discussions with my managers seem to indicate so. The visa still looms large ahead of me and performance reviews are soon. I think I did well last year and I’m hopeful that it will be reflected pay wise. In the meantime, the company issued bonuses and let’s just say, the gov’t will be pleased with their cut of it (I hope I can get some of that back at tax time since that amounts to an overpayment). But my credit cards were also happy. I paid off my “cigar card” with part of it and paid off half of another (that one will be paid off completely in March). So life seems to be turning around a bit in regards to finances and such. Perhaps my dream of getting my top surgery done in 2011/2012 isn’t that far off now… eh.. we shall see.

For now, I have a cat to feed and a woman to romance a bit..

I’ve been lazy and busy at the same time for the last little while. I sometimes go through a non-desire to write and the most recent time period was it. I’ll admit to being a little bit of a WoW addict of late. (Yes, that is the first step to healing). But it is a cheap escape for me and the puzzles do exercise the mind in many ways. I think I’ve gotten a little bored with work. The excitement is down and I think I’m getting a little worried about the visa situation. I’m still waiting to hear. I think if it does fail, I’ll head to BC (Vancouver) and ride out the year there. It’d suck but, one does what ya have to do.

I have gotten a little bit excited about a new site that I’m helping out on: ButchFemmePlanet. Coming in at the ground level, it’s re-energinzed my non-work related geek to poke at vBulletin more and to do a little work on VeganBodybuilding site (I’m the admin there too). I have to say that BFP definitely feels like a breath of fresh air and has a good community feel about it. The community feeling is important to me. It adds to that sense of belonging and purpose that we often want in life beyond our partners. Anyways, it’s refueled my desire to re-learn PHP, go more advanced and get beyond that. I’ll be investigating into some things I could do to improve the blog a bit but we’ll see.

The NaNoWriMo failed for me this year. It was that whole bored/lazy thing. I dunno why but the idea I had at first fizzled. I used to have such a creative mind but now, not so much. It’s made me wonder if some of that is the T. My emotions and how I display them have certainly changed. I find I cannot cry any more (things that would have me sniffling barely get a whimper). It’s a very hard thing to come to grips with. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for them, it’s just that I cannot show it like I used to.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. This has never been a huge holiday for me largely because we never visited family and associated meaning with the holiday. When I learned the true history of Thanksgiving, that it wasn’t as “Rockwellian” as we’d believe, it lost it’s importance to me even more. It’s shocking how everyone here talks about how it’s for family and such — and then I see a lot of the grocery stores open (albeit with shortened hours). It is a commercialized holiday to the Nth degree and that really does suck. For us, we didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving but rather our 3rd year together. We first started dating on Thanksgiving in 2006 (although online) and it’s been an amazing 3 years. Certainly we’ve had bumps and bruises along the way but I have found that we’ve gotten closer and love each other more now than before. It’s an awesome feeling. I made a pure vegan dinner — tofurky, vegan dumplings, potatos, onions, carrots, gravy and a vegan wish bone — that we thoroughly enjoyed. And then we watched Bruno. That has to be the weirdest movie I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised that it made it to theaters and that lawsuits of one sort or another didn’t prevent it from airing. There were some parts that were just downright funny and others that surprised me that the audience didn’t kill him.

Anyways, online blog buddy DolphynGyrl wanted to know what 5 things we’re thankful for this holiday season so here are mine:

1. I am thankful that I finally found my path in life, even if it took a few years.

2. I am thankful that I have a job I love (yes, I do still love my job)

3. I am thankful for good health of friends and family

4. I am thankful that Bobcat is still around, cranky as ever.

5. I am thankful for K being in my life. Without her, life would be lonely and very plain.

I doing some prep work for an upcoming class and feeling rather confident about it. But still worried. No matter how much you prepare there are always little things that you miss here and there. It had been a while since I had been at my trans support group so going last night was good. The atmosphere had changed a bit in some ways but the good heart and support that the group aims to provide was still there. I worry about not being able to find that in Los Angeles when we move there next year.

And I must say I am rather excited about it. The idea of a new adventure is sometimes enough to jump start things. I’m still hopeful that I might get surgery before then but hard to say. So in the meantime, I’m contemplating options that would allow me to pay off all/most debt, cover surgery or both. And I think I might have an option. If I can’t get surgery covered before leaving NYC, then I’ll put this other plan in motion and sometime late next year (end of 2010) or beginning 2011 I’ll look into that option.

And recently, I feel like I’ve been waking up again emotionally and spiritually. Not sure what it is. Perhaps it’s finding a new zest for life elsewhere and a new adventure. We’ll see. I’m still working on the fight against the red tape of the Ontario government and that’s still no easy task but I’m hopeful that I may have found what they needed. I should have remembered that whatever you figure it will take for something to complete, double the time you expect it to finish. Maybe I can have my IDs in my new name before my 40th in the spring.

Oh ya. And speaking of my 40th, I had wanted a party (and I still do) but I know fiscally it may be impossible to get everyone together for my 40th since a lot of friends and family are north of the border. Perhaps I should do something like a 2-4 for the 44th or something like that. I think the reality is may need to wait until we’re settled in L.A. or do something else. Not sure yet. It’s been so long since I’ve celebrated any birthday as a party I’ve forgotten what’s involved with the whole process. In some ways, I’d almost want to wait until I get my dream house but that’s a few years down the road. For those curious, my dream house would be a decent sized house (3-5 bedrooms) on 1-2 acres with neighbours that are about a 2-4 min walk away. A small community ideally (weird for a city boy, I’m sure), living off the grid (weirder for a geek) but with internet (the geek demands it) and a garden that is nearly self-sustaining (reality is we’d probably need a lot of variety of things so west coast living can help supplement some of this — maybe I could barter IT expertise for various fruits and veggies). I still want to be debt free (the credit cards and loans gone) and just have a house and car to worry about. Oh ya. That driver’s license thing.

I can honestly say that I’m tired of the noise of leaf blowers, the yelling in the street, the honking, etc. I crave the quiet of the leaves rustling, the sound of birds, the awe of a starry night sky. It’s the romantic in me but also the little boy that grew up often at a cottage in a small town on the St. Lawrence where big bonfires, roasted marshmallows and lots of friends with bellowing laughter ensued. Or visiting a cousin where she grew up and lived in the same place all her life, where she knew where home was. Home is where your heart is but sometimes it’s also where peace is; batteries can be recharged and meditation can happen without competition.

More things for the bucket list. On the plus, I have realized that I’ve paid a small chunk off of one credit card and if I continue at this rate, this one should be paid off sooner than later. I’m still working on the others and still believe I can do this.

And for those who asked, here’s the link to the recipe I used for the Vegan Red Velvet Cake. By the way, it’s all gone. I may make another or something else for our Vegan thansgiving and our 3rd anniversary together.

Well, it was a busy and exhausting week. I do love teaching and I love it even more, when doing online, to share the duties with someone else. However, there are a couple of courses I teach online that only need one instructor (largely due to the size of the class) and I had both of those this week. The reviews were really good. To add even more to ending the week on a good note, I found out I passed my certification (I had written the beta version of the certification in August and there has been some mix up over results).

But while all this is good, there are still things that dampened my happiness. K’s mom sent back my birth certificate stuff (I asked her to be my guarantor since I need someone who’s a “professional”) and I sent that off to Ontario’s Registrar General. I’m hoping that they do a quick turn-over on that and that I didn’t miss anything. It’s annoying to not have my email match my name. Once the birth certificate is done, then I send it off to Employment Canada to get my SIN (Social Insurance Number) redone. I figure that’ll be done by the end of the year (given the speed of most government departments). I kinda wonder if it’s a global thing that government departments run at the pace of a slow moving snail. Maybe it’s a requirement or something?

Honestly, however, it’s not the name change thing that’s bugging me. It’s surgery. Two specifically. While the second isn’t as critical (yet) for me, the first one is: top surgery (double mastectomy) and bottom (for now, hysterectomy would suffice). I can’t get it covered under my present plan and they specifically exclude GRS/SRS from coverage. If I switch to another provider (assuming that the HealthCare Reform doesn’t go through), I technically have a pre-existing condition (GID) that could preclude me from coverage there. Which really sucks. So, I’m going to have to save (about $10,000) in addition to paying off debt.

Sigh.

I just have to remind myself I can do this. It’s very conceivable to save up the money as well as pay off the debt.  It’s kind of like having motivation to lose weight: being determined as to what the final goal is. Does it mean I’ll fall off the wagon now and again? Oh, sure. But if I keep at it, I’ll have more steps forward than back. I think one of the things that would help (well, two actually) is a slight raise (haven’t had one in a couple of years now) and a green card. I think both of those would be welcomed. In just over 13 months, my present visa will expire (unless they get the extension, which tacks on another 2 years to it). I’d rather have the green card. I think I’ve proven that I’m here for the company and will be staying well beyond the life of the green card. Either Oct or November will be annual review time so I’m going to have to figure out how to word this best.

Sometimes, I just wish I could win the lottery — even a little 2nd place. I know I’m not in a horrible situation and know that I put myself in this situation but there are times when I could just use the breather. And don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the roof over my head, the beautiful love in my life and the job I have. I know many others are no where near that. But… [insert whiney voice here]

*snork*

*sniffle*

Ah yes, allergies. Gawd, how I hate them. I just got back from San Francisco only to be hit head first by them. I know I’m not sick but just feel miserable because of my sinuses. Hopefully it’ll end by today or tomorrow. That or I’ll be investing in Sudafed for a while.

Last week went well for the most part. 99% of people I ran into got it right. Even TSA did! I was rather surprised at that. The reason was that the law changed as of Aug 15 and all airlines were required to match gender with passport, full name, etc. For some reason American Airlines didn’t put the gender down on the ticket (whether going to San Fran or coming back) but I was never questioned about it. Granted, it could be the ol’ white male privilege hitting in but who knows. Either way, I was glad I didn’t get challenged. Made life easier. I’m getting more comfortable in the washroom (as comfortable as one can get in washrooms that are dirty and often in disrepair). One colleague still needs to work on the name and gender thing. The reality is that I don’t see my colleagues except once or twice a year so mistakes are expected. The majority (about 95%) get it right and even get it right after a few drinks (LOL).

That all said, the name portion will have to definitely change since I’m going to the lawyer’s today to pick up the certified copies of my legal name change and begin the journey to get new birth certificate, new Canadian SIN (Social Insurance Number), new Canadian passport, new US VISA, new US SSN, etc.

Sigh.

Not looking forward to this. But I was frugal about the whole thing. I only cost me the basic costs (e.g., submission of name change, necessary forms, etc.). Lawyers’ fees were gratis thanks to an organization here (TDLEF). It’s amazing how much one can save on legal fees if you just look around. There are a lot of organizations that have been created (I can think of LEGIT in Ontario that helps bi-national LGBTQ couples get residency and such in Canada) to help individuals.

On the financial front, I’ve started applying to those survey sites. It’s definitely something I can do while even on the road. If I made an extra $1-2000 a year, that can either go towards surgery funds (since all of what I need done isn’t covered) or towards paying off debt (although this year I’ll be asking for a decent size raise since I haven’t had one in two years and my role has become more senior; I suspect I’m due!).

Speaking of the financial front, as of Sept 15th my Canadian Taxes will be paid off. That money will be going to one or two of the credit cards along with an extra amount to emergency fund. I still have a long haul in front of me but if I keep chipping at it, it will shrink down to near nothingness.

Like Dory from Finding Nemo says “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..”

Bobcat awake (rarity!)

Bobcat has been sleeping lots of late. I’ve begun to wonder if the FeLV is finally taking hold. Hard to tell. I mean, she is a cat and she likes to sleep. She’s also extremely temperamental. And mostly mental. We went to the Vet today and found out she’s lost 1 lb in 3 months. That’s a lot for a cat and isn’t a good thing. I treated her to some good salmon tonight in hopes of helping her eat some and also as a treat after putting up with far too much poking and prodding. She had urine drawn (I think she might have a urinary tract infection), blood drawn, temperature taken (rear-ended), nails cut and strange people holding her. She fought and howled the whole time. You’d swear she was being tortured or something.

Anyways, we’ll get blood results tomorrow. I’m hopeful that the FeLV hasn’t gotten worse and that her weight loss is more the result of being picky. She’s my last furrkid we’ll have for a while. We’re not allowed to have furrkids here and given that we’re likely to move to California (although with everything going on there, I’m not sure how well it will go). The distance of the move would be a lot for a new kitten or other furrkid. But we’ll see. So today was a long day (I started at 7am and have yet to go to bed). Keep Bobcat in your thoughts. I really don’t want her to go through what the kittens went through. She hates the vet enough.

Sometimes I’m right, but I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the baker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in

I am everyday people
Yeah, yeah

There is a blue one who can’t accept the green one
For living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on, and so on and scooby-dooby-doo

Ah yes. Sly and the Family Stone. As I was riding the elevator up to the apartment with freshly cleaned clothes I heard this classic in the background. It seemed apropos since we’ll be heading out to Halifax tomorrow for my aunt’s wedding. It’s all fun but also a bit nerve-racking. I know my aunt will be swamped and pre-occupied with the wedding. We’re heading out early to help out where we can and to also let K get a chance to actually see Halifax in person rather than from the backseat of a car. It’ll be interesting.

We went downtown to get me a suit for the wedding and went to the Wall Street area Men’s Warehouse. While the cost, in the end, wasn’t as frugal as I wanted it to be I did get two suits — one for summer and one for fallish-winter — for the price of one with alterations. I suppose it’s an investment (I tend to be a jeans/shorts kind of guy). What was flattering was being sir’d all the way through it. I was treated like the most important person in the world (while he does the hard sell he was a classy salesguy). I think I’m starting to come to grip with the fact that I am passing. Part of me is “WOOHOO!” and part of me is stunned, as if to wonder — “When did that happen?”. Kinda like puberty sneaking up on you.

For most of my family it’ll be almost two years since I’ve seen them. It’ll be interesting to see the response. I know some might be surprised. More importantly, I’m hoping that they’ll see how happy I am. It’s weird to feel so consistently happy like I have since I began the transition and since K has been in my life. I keep expecting the other shoe to drop and something bad happen. What’s really nice is that we talk about the dreams we have and where we want to be. We both realize this is an evolving thing and it sometimes changes. We’ll probably move a couple of more times before we settle. I think one thing is for sure, wherever we finally put roots down we’ll have a good time along the way.

It’s interesting how I still have no desire to be stealth and yet.. Well, I am without trying. I haven’t found a situation where I’ve been threatened or challenged yet and I think the reason is that I’m neither threatening nor do I seemingly upset the balance of gender for others. Perhaps that’s why it’s harder to find FTM role models of the past and why people like Chaz are important as they transition. Although that said, we really don’t need celebrities to be our role models. I think what we need are more local individuals to be role models for those that are up-and-coming. I’ve always said that transitioning isn’t for everyone — and it really isn’t. This is a selfish thing that one has to decide to do to rectify whatever went wrong during conception that resulted in a brain-body mismatch. Some people learn to adjust while others cannot. Neither is bad nor horrible. They are each the paths we have to take. In the end.. we’re really just everyday people, eh?

I am everyday people

It’s been a busy week or so for me and an interesting one. Last week, because I wanted to do a beta version of a certification, I was studying like mad in addition to teaching our new course in front of students. My average day just for the teaching, not including travel time, was nothing less than 10 hours. Add to that a round-trip total of 3 hours on the subway and then another 3-5 hours each night studying and the week was 80+ hours of “work”. Anyways, I wrote the certification yesterday and am waiting for the results. I’m hopeful that I passed because then I won’t have to recertify (which means writing the regular exam and getting 85% on it). It was a quiet week at home for me since K was in Los Angeles and Bobcat lost her voice (I suspect she was meowing all day trying to find someone and couldn’t). While I like my little moments of bachelorhood, I prefer it when K is around. More laughter and dreaming happens.

Anyways, back to last week. So this was the first week I was teaching at our NYC facility and doing so, out to the staff, as an FTM. I didn’t tell my students since it’s not a really a requirement nor is it really their business. If someone had asked, I’d certainly say that I am trans and such but since it wasn’t relevant, I left it. I used the men’s washroom but usually when empty (as it happened it was a light load of students this week at the facility so it was easier for me). What was interesting was how I was read. Since I haven’t had top surgery yet I worry about how I present still but I was completely read as to how I view myself. It’s amazing how far I’ve come in a year (July 24 happens to be my year anniversary on T).  The reviews on my teaching came back good and the references were entirely “he”. This was good and I had to chuckle as one student, his transphobia showing a bit, went on a rant about being “felt up” while on the subway. He said he wouldn’t have mind if it was a women but if it was a guy or a trans women, well!

I have doubts that he was “felt up” and that it was more a question of people shifting when the subway is packed (Toronto has nothing on NYC when it comes to packed subways, let me tell you). I didn’t laugh and the look on my face must have been enough to shut him up because he didn’t mention it again except for one last comment that he could identify a trans person easily. I froze at this. Based on his demeanour and claimed history, he sounds like a guy who uses action first and then — maybe — thinks about it. He claims to have “family” ties back to Europe. But he read me as I a guy and didn’t clue in. He didn’t say anything further. A person’s prejudice is their own thing and as long as he stopped it in the classroom, then all was good (which he did — amazing how one doesn’t have to speak to get a point across). I had thought about writing about this yesterday but was restless and I couldn’t figure out why — until both my aunts reminded me.

17 years ago yesterday my mom was murdered. The guy who did it is now free and out there. Last I heard he had cancer and I have no doubts that he never accepted responsibility for what he did. Up until his release he was convinced it was my mom’s fault that this happened. Now, she was never the easiest woman to live with but blaming her for his actions.. well. A real man takes responsibility for what he’s done, even if it was a really horrible mistake. And that action was. It was that action that put my life onto this path, for good or bad. I may have still ended up on this path if it had never happened but how different life might have been. I remember it took a long time for the guilt and anger to subside. I still look for those little moments I try to remember where we were happy — usually holidays at my aunt’s house. I know I was blessed to have so many aunts and uncles to turn to. I know that they may not fully understand this process or path I’m on but they do love me, support me and know I’m happy.

And really, when I look back, the one thing I wanted in life was love. And yet, I never realized I had it at times. I know now. The transition of body is, I believe I’ve said somewhere, the easy part. It’s the transition of mind and soul that is the challenge. Learning to love one’s self when the world feels against you and has been against your true self can, at times, make you doubt your sanity or path that life gives you. But ultimately, it is about finding one’s own true happiness.

Who’d thunk I’d found that in this lifetime?