I am famous now (my 15 min so to speak): http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/04/14/transgender.irpt/index.html?hpt=C1 (see picture #4). The comments below it, however, leave a lot to be desired. It never fails to amaze me how people voice their opinion without truly understanding what is involved and the why. It would be like trying to have someone who feels completely whole with their body at birth try to explain that to me. I cannot fathom it.

I just wish people would just see us as human beings as well and be ok with us being ourselves.

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So this weekend was good. I had originally planned on going for nice long walks on Saturday and Sunday but had nearly forgotten about my H&R Block appointment on Saturday. Geesh! Where does the time go?? It is that time of the year again, tax time. I figured I’d get some back and H&R Block are pretty good about reminding me about things I can cover as expenses and such. I owe a small amount to NYC for city taxes (only because the company didn’t realize I was in NYC area and thus, taxed under it). But it’s really small. Between what I get back from the Feds and what I owe for NYC and paid towards H&R, I’ll get back a fair amount. Additionally, after discussing it with my preparer I may have held back more money from my stocks than I needed to. If I’m right, between the return and the difference another credit card may yet bite the bullet. Even if I don’t use that amount, nearly a third will go *poof* thanks to the Federal return. Paying off this particular credit card will be important since the interest rate is 29%!! It’s absurd how much they can charge in interest. Heck, loan sharks seem to charge less in some regards. Once this one is done, then I’ll go after the remaining credit card and then, lastly, the line of credit (which has the lowest interest of anything I have). I’m contemplating canceling two Canadian credit cards (Amex and Visa) since I have ones down here but I may keep the Visa and just trash the Mastercard. They give me the most grief since I don’t have a Canadian address any more.

And as always, I checked my FICO score in both Canada and the US. I do this for two reasons: first, to see if there are an discrepancies between the reality of me and what they think I have, and second, to see how I fair out there. My Canadian FICO is actually good (mid-700s) while my US FICO is a little low (mid-600s) but I think the lower US score is due to only being here for two years. I’m sure as time passes that will get better and better. My plan to get a house is more realistic as each day passes. I’ve been better about my spending and this will alleviate some of it. If I continue as I have been, I should be credit card and line of credit debt free by this time in 2012. And that is definitely a good thing.

As I was writing this entry, I went ahead and canceled my Canadian AMEX. It was surprisingly easy. They even had it as part of their automated telephone system. It was weird, however, since I was hoping to speak to them and have to battle to get it canceled. But I suspect the major ones, especially if you don’t use it that often or if it’s paid off, are not really interested in fighting you for it. Ever since I took that leap and paid off most of my debt, I’ve felt free and more alive. It’s a great feeling. Getting rid of it completely will be awesome.

After doing that, I got a call. It was CNN. I finally did that interview with the intern. It was nice and very polite conversation. It’ll be interesting to see the final piece. He said it’ll be by the end of the week or sometime next week. (knowing news media it’s possible that it could be pre-empted by some disaster somewhere and that’s fine). I’ll give credit to CNN that they are, at least, attempting to put us more in the spotlight and not as some freak show. They seem genuinely interested in who we are and how we got to where we’re at. I still think they need to cover more of the rainbow of the types of trans individuals and not just the white side of things. What I face as challenges are far, far different than what POC trans individuals face. That I have no illusions about and I mentioned that as well.

I really need to remember to bring my phone with me when I go out. K keeps reminding me to do this. I should have but forgot.

Class had finished early so I thought I’d go out for a walk given the nice weather. I haven’t left the apartment in about a week and it was nice to stretch my legs and get out for a few hours. I had to get more yarn (yes, I’m a man who crochets… don’t all gasp in horror at once). I was going to get my haircut but I’ll hold off on that until Sunday (I’ve become rather shaggy and this warm weather hasn’t helped). I’m also going to visit the optometrist as it’s been a couple of years since my last exam and I’m finding that watching TV has been hard (the fuzziness). So it’s a needed expense that I have to do.

After walking around for about three hours, I came back to relax and follow up on some work that I had to do. I decided to call K in Los Angeles and noticed that there was a voice mail waiting. I listened to it and it was an intern from CNN wanting to talk to me about my transition.

<insert jaw drop here>

Wow.

Who knew that 3 simple pictures would make such a difference?

I called back and left a message. As it happens, I’m doing the same course next week as I did this week which means long hours (9am until 7pm) but since it’s a co-teach I might be able to call during lunch or while my co-instructor is teaching. We’ll see what happens but needless to say, it’s all rather exciting to be contact by the media for something positive than my last experience. (My last direct interaction with the media was a reporter asking me how I felt about my mom being brutally murdered. It was one of those “You aren’t seriously asking me that, are you??!”).

If I get a follow-up, I’ll definitely update here.

Stay tuned!

So I’ve had a busy week. I got my 2nd 15 minutes of fame in my life (my first was when my mom died and some friends did a wine and cheese to raise awareness about violence against women in Canada). This week CNN has been doing a few pieces on what it’s like to be transgendered/transsexual and they wanted members of the community to transmit messages to the world at large. Yesterday I got a ping from one of the editors who wanted more info about me (including phone number). As it turned out my iReport was used as the main iReport for the overall concept (see here: http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=417959). It’s rather flattering. I checked out Anderson Cooper’s interview with Chaz and some of the responses/comments to it. Most people seemed to be saying “Why? I don’t understand..”.

Possibly the only way I know how to answer that is with a question: Explain to me what it’s like to feel completely at home in your gender, where looking in the mirror you think to yourself “Yup. That’s me”.  It’s odd that this is something that has always been part of my life, like a dull migraine in the back of my head but one that I never really examined until I saw that perhaps there was a way to get rid of it. And when I understood that there was a variety of paths I could take, including on that might actually result in me seeing the “inner me”, it was time for a jump. I have not regretted any part of my transition thus far and I still have more to go, along with the challenges associated with them. One of the biggest is surgery. I so desperately want top surgery and I’d like to get it before going on my bike trip next year.

So to that end, I cashed in some stock that I got as a bonus (the government took it’s overly fair share) and the rest will go to wiping out nearly 60-70% of my debt in one fell swoop. I still have more shares left over and those I might use towards surgery itself if I cannot get it covered under health insurance. I’m waiting until I get to L.A. and there I will be aggressively aiming at losing weight. I’ve fluctuated at losing about 10 lbs but I need to shed more. I have to bring myself down by nearly another 90lbs. I’ve let the exercise go by the wayside because of a few life challenges but will be trying to incorporate those again. I’ll also be looking at pursuing a more raw vegan lifestyle.

K and I discussed the move the other night and we decided to sell or donate all larger items (except for the printer, bikes and humidors) or stuff we don’t need. Books and non-critical stuff we’ll send via USPS while critical or sensitive stuff we’ll send via UPS. This makes only Bobcat the issue when moving (she won’t like it but hopefully this will be the last plane trip for her). Once we’re in L.A. we get furniture there. I’ll be selling my Dell desktop and I’ll get a new personal desktop when I’m in L.A. (likely go Apple but not sure yet as to whether to get a Tower or a Mac Book Pro). The thing that I like is that it removes my attachment to things and allows me to purge the things I really don’t use/need. This should, theoretically, make life simplier. As I look around I realize there is a lot of clutter in my life and things I really don’t need. I’ve gotten better at asking myself “Do you really need that? Wait a night or two before buying it, if at all possible”.  Books, in particular, fall under this category. I LOVE to read and I LOVE to learn. Books, for me, have always been the avenue for this. Most of the books I tend to keep are technical books since I tend to use them as reference (I have a heard time reading on my laptop or other computer screen although I’m ok on my iPod — go figure).

Of course, tied in with this stress over the move (exact date TBD) is the stress over the work visa. And it appears I may be getting a new one. This new one should lead me to a green card and then, well… who knows. If we get just get the visa part settled, it would alleviate a lot. Add to that the wait for the new birth certificate. Now that I’ve settled all the uproar over what commissioner they wanted (a commission of oaths), I’m now waiting for the actual certificate to come through. Then I can move forward on a SIN and then — yay! — new passport with a new picture! Gender will still be F for now. Until I have surgery, I cannot get that changed. Once I do have the surgery, I get to go through this all over again…

Whoop.

Dee.

Doo.

So I recently got an email that piqued my egotistical interest:

Hi there,

Since you previously contributed to our Transgendered Stories assignment on CNN iReport, I thought you’d like to know about a new assignment that just launched. To coincide with the CNN documentary “Her Name Was Steven,” we’re looking for transgendered, transsexual or questioning individuals to share a message with the world. What would you like others to know about you and your experience?

The assignment is simple: Just put a message that you would like others to know about you on a sign and take a self-portrait holding it up.

You can find the assignment here: http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=417959

We’re accepting submissions until April 9. Please feel free to pass the word along! We look forward to seeing your submissions.

Best,

Katie Hawkins-Gaar

p.s. “Her Name Was Steven” airs on CNN this Saturday and Sunday at 8 and 11 p.m. ET. You can find out more here: http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/presents/

Hrmm. Sending a message out to others to let them know what they should know about me, eh? Very intriguing. And how to do it in a few words, no more than a sentence or two? Well, I came up with 3 different messages. You can see the posting on CNN iReport section here and I’ve posted the larger ones below. In some ways, this feels akin to “Ask a Trans” kind of threads and videos I’ve seen elsewhere. And perhaps in a larger, more mainstreamy way it is. My last video on there was actually well received. I think, for the most part, people are nice and kind. But we rarely remember those.

Our minds would rather burn in the painful, angry, hateful ones and forget the ones that show love and affection. It’ll be interesting to see how it’s received. I have no illusions that appearing hetero-normative and being a white male is a benefit to me. Nay, it’s a privilege that I will never shake.

I've always wondered what people saw..

Are you sure you know what you see?

Yes, for real. I am.

One of the nice side effects of teaching at home is that I tend to not spend as much financially. I just can’t go out to the store and buy things. I just don’t see the “things” out there. But one down side is that I tend to become a bit of a home body and my body tends to become a specific shape (round). I remember when I used to bike to and from work a few years ago. I was able to keep my weight down without being super skinny. I actually liked being “stocky” and was ok with being a few pounds overweight (for my height I’m supposed to be about 110-125 lbs — I really am big boned and find I look best around 140-150) but didn’t want to be obese. A side effect of traveling is the food that often ends up being eaten, even if a vegan (e.g., fries and the like). I’ve been a horrible vegan and have done a few slips over the last few months.

I don’t know why (perhaps it’s the T kicking in more) but my cravings for salt have gone to huge cravings for dead things. While it’s been mostly fish (I suspect due to heritage and early childhood experiences) I’m afraid of a slippery slope effect. I need to get back on track. My schedule for Oct/Nov/Dec has too much of a mixture for me to focus long enough on getting back into shape. But starting January I’ll be home, if my schedule sticks, for 3 months (except for one week in Toronto) starting usually at 9am CST (that’s 10am for me) with an occasional 8am CST start (9am for me). I figured if I could find a gym close enough that was open early enough it might be an option for me to go early in the morning (say 5-6am to beat the business rush). I know enough about fitness and training that I should be able to do this on my own — it’s just will power and consistency. Because I will have 3 months where I could get into a rhythm and turn it from an occasional thing into a more permanent activity and habit this could prove well at helping me lose some weight before we move out west. It would also help for when I get ready to have surgery (weight loss for larger sized FTMs is often a pre-requisite).

Now, while I have great idears reality may slap me in the face. I found one gym that is 24 hours M-F and has early hours on Sat/Sun. The one challenge will be, of course, the change rooms. It’ll be winter so I can’t really just dress in gym clothes, work out and leave. Most gyms I know won’t allow people to keep their bags/jackets near them when they work out and lockers are often inside the change room area. I doubt that this gym will be “trans friendly” but who knows. I may luck out. I just have this feeling that I won’t be able to use it in the winter or I will have to come dress in my gear and have minimal ID/cash on me. I’m still trying to figure out how best I could do this. Have any other trans individuals dealt with this?

Jacky recently commented on why he (is that the pronoun you use, Jacky?) won’t change his gender from F to M. I’m of a similar mind. Part of me wants to make that change, I’ll admit, but mostly for purely selfish reasons: the US doesn’t allow for same-sex marriage and, as a result, I wouldn’t be able to use it as part of a submission to get a green card (nevermind that Ontario requires surgery to be done to reflect gender and then letters from surgeons to indicate that it’s been done). If I had the necessary surgery(ies) and got this done, then the next step would be far easier. Unfortunately, it’s not and I haven’t but I also really don’t want to. The reality is that who I was is part of who I am.

As I noted on Jacky’s blog, I’ve used to say that I was a quantum genderqueer: that is, each gender, both genders, neither gender all at the same time (think of a certain dying cat in a box). I do believe that by recognizing where my past was and paying respect to that helps me to continue and grow. And also keep me in check. While K often insists that sometimes I’m “such a guy”, I try to be aware of the things (read: white male privilege) that I obtained by transitioning. Pretending that the previous 37+ years of my “previous” self didn’t exist does an injustice to myself. It’s a shame that even in some parts of the trans-world, at least from my view, there still remains this clinging towards a gender binary — you are either FTM to become Male or MTF to become Female. And there are to be no other considerations. Often associated with this is “passing”: that ability for everyone to read you as per your physical birth gender marker.

WMP was and is the one thing that still bothers me. I’m acutely aware of what I’ve obtained and notice it far more in the US than in Canada (do not get me wrong — Canada has it; we just silently hide it in “multicultural” programs and the like). I often think about the reviews that students give me and wonder how many of those were improved since I’ve started being read as male — particularly a young (?) “fluffy” white male — trainer than compared to when I was being read as female — an older (?) “fat” white female. I have no doubts that I tend to get more 5/5 now than before (not that the reviews were bad but that I probably got more 4/5s previously). I have yet to be challenged for being strict and direct in my teaching (previously, I’ve been challenged and threatened for daring to potentially fail someone — Uh, clue-by-four: if you don’t do the work, you ain’t passing!).

And those that do figure out that I’m transitioning don’t seem to dock me for that either — a stark comparison if it was the other way around (i.e., if I was MTF). Let’s be real here: society expects someone to want privilege, to want to have that extra, better treatment. Thing is: it’s not me. I feel uncomfortable with it and about it. I would rather let others go ahead of me where possible (but I’ll be real in that I won’t let the whole world go in front of me when I chase down one of the 31 flavours); I don’t mind waiting in line and giving someone else their extra due. But I do think that we all do need to be treated like human beings and be respected by each other for what makes us both the same and different. Remember who I was reminds me of who I want to be.

I’ve been absent from my support group of late. A lot of it is because of work. The reality is that there is only so much time in a day and teaching, often, in the CST timezone means that I often don’t finish until 6pm EDT. Sometimes I’m on the road.  Since it takes an hour to get to group it means I often miss out on attending. It’s hard at times since the group is often the closest thing to an extended, closer-to-touch family. I do miss it. One of the things I’ve wanted is a large family to be around. I’ve known a large part of my life alone. Having that option where I could invite friends over, have a beer and a cigar, yap, laugh, etc. is something I’ve wanted. Having siblings of some sort, with some kind of shared experience of life, is the other thing I’ve wanted.

Today, as I avoided doing some work, I watched Southern Comfort (2001). It was a wonderful DVD in that it showed the great family connection that Robert Eads and his “sons” made but heartbreaking and maddeningly baffling that the health care system so blatantly ignored the basic raison d’etre for health care: to look after those that need medical help. I have to say that I’m incredibly luckier than most at the support that I’ve gotten from the medical profession here in NYC. As much as I want to move to small town, parts of me worry about the exact issue that Mr. Eads experienced during his lifetime. To die of a curable cancer because no one would treat you is just wrong. My post this morning was about universal health care and whether it could exist here. I have doubts since patient’s rights are not something that seem to be considered.

To keep the good of the patient as the highest priority. – Modern Hippocratic Oath #7

Since so many doctors are taught to put the value of medicine before the needs of the patient, even if universal health care came to be many patients will be ignored because they do not fit into the societal definition of male or woman. I’m not sure how denying someone medical help because they are trans is ensuring that the “good of the patient” is being kept as a priority compared to one’s own fears, prejudices and ignorance. And before someone says that it was perhaps the medical profession was unable to do it, when they called they referenced the trans portion at the end. Until those words were mentioned, the medical professions were eager to help. As to the reasoning as to why they refused to help isn’t clear. It could be anything from fear to ignorance to just place hatred?

I’m sure a lot has changed since this video was made, especially since the Southern Comfort Conference is held in Georgia. But I’m sure there are still areas and medical centers that still discriminate against trans individuals. I wonder how much this is changing with the more visible younger trans guys that are more evident these days? Hopefully, the economy isn’t used as an excuse to prevent an individual from getting support these days. One can only hope that one day health care will be about providing patients with the best possible care, regardless of who the patient is.

Sometimes I’m right, but I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the baker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in

I am everyday people
Yeah, yeah

There is a blue one who can’t accept the green one
For living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on, and so on and scooby-dooby-doo

Ah yes. Sly and the Family Stone. As I was riding the elevator up to the apartment with freshly cleaned clothes I heard this classic in the background. It seemed apropos since we’ll be heading out to Halifax tomorrow for my aunt’s wedding. It’s all fun but also a bit nerve-racking. I know my aunt will be swamped and pre-occupied with the wedding. We’re heading out early to help out where we can and to also let K get a chance to actually see Halifax in person rather than from the backseat of a car. It’ll be interesting.

We went downtown to get me a suit for the wedding and went to the Wall Street area Men’s Warehouse. While the cost, in the end, wasn’t as frugal as I wanted it to be I did get two suits — one for summer and one for fallish-winter — for the price of one with alterations. I suppose it’s an investment (I tend to be a jeans/shorts kind of guy). What was flattering was being sir’d all the way through it. I was treated like the most important person in the world (while he does the hard sell he was a classy salesguy). I think I’m starting to come to grip with the fact that I am passing. Part of me is “WOOHOO!” and part of me is stunned, as if to wonder — “When did that happen?”. Kinda like puberty sneaking up on you.

For most of my family it’ll be almost two years since I’ve seen them. It’ll be interesting to see the response. I know some might be surprised. More importantly, I’m hoping that they’ll see how happy I am. It’s weird to feel so consistently happy like I have since I began the transition and since K has been in my life. I keep expecting the other shoe to drop and something bad happen. What’s really nice is that we talk about the dreams we have and where we want to be. We both realize this is an evolving thing and it sometimes changes. We’ll probably move a couple of more times before we settle. I think one thing is for sure, wherever we finally put roots down we’ll have a good time along the way.

It’s interesting how I still have no desire to be stealth and yet.. Well, I am without trying. I haven’t found a situation where I’ve been threatened or challenged yet and I think the reason is that I’m neither threatening nor do I seemingly upset the balance of gender for others. Perhaps that’s why it’s harder to find FTM role models of the past and why people like Chaz are important as they transition. Although that said, we really don’t need celebrities to be our role models. I think what we need are more local individuals to be role models for those that are up-and-coming. I’ve always said that transitioning isn’t for everyone — and it really isn’t. This is a selfish thing that one has to decide to do to rectify whatever went wrong during conception that resulted in a brain-body mismatch. Some people learn to adjust while others cannot. Neither is bad nor horrible. They are each the paths we have to take. In the end.. we’re really just everyday people, eh?

I am everyday people

It’s been a busy week or so for me and an interesting one. Last week, because I wanted to do a beta version of a certification, I was studying like mad in addition to teaching our new course in front of students. My average day just for the teaching, not including travel time, was nothing less than 10 hours. Add to that a round-trip total of 3 hours on the subway and then another 3-5 hours each night studying and the week was 80+ hours of “work”. Anyways, I wrote the certification yesterday and am waiting for the results. I’m hopeful that I passed because then I won’t have to recertify (which means writing the regular exam and getting 85% on it). It was a quiet week at home for me since K was in Los Angeles and Bobcat lost her voice (I suspect she was meowing all day trying to find someone and couldn’t). While I like my little moments of bachelorhood, I prefer it when K is around. More laughter and dreaming happens.

Anyways, back to last week. So this was the first week I was teaching at our NYC facility and doing so, out to the staff, as an FTM. I didn’t tell my students since it’s not a really a requirement nor is it really their business. If someone had asked, I’d certainly say that I am trans and such but since it wasn’t relevant, I left it. I used the men’s washroom but usually when empty (as it happened it was a light load of students this week at the facility so it was easier for me). What was interesting was how I was read. Since I haven’t had top surgery yet I worry about how I present still but I was completely read as to how I view myself. It’s amazing how far I’ve come in a year (July 24 happens to be my year anniversary on T).  The reviews on my teaching came back good and the references were entirely “he”. This was good and I had to chuckle as one student, his transphobia showing a bit, went on a rant about being “felt up” while on the subway. He said he wouldn’t have mind if it was a women but if it was a guy or a trans women, well!

I have doubts that he was “felt up” and that it was more a question of people shifting when the subway is packed (Toronto has nothing on NYC when it comes to packed subways, let me tell you). I didn’t laugh and the look on my face must have been enough to shut him up because he didn’t mention it again except for one last comment that he could identify a trans person easily. I froze at this. Based on his demeanour and claimed history, he sounds like a guy who uses action first and then — maybe — thinks about it. He claims to have “family” ties back to Europe. But he read me as I a guy and didn’t clue in. He didn’t say anything further. A person’s prejudice is their own thing and as long as he stopped it in the classroom, then all was good (which he did — amazing how one doesn’t have to speak to get a point across). I had thought about writing about this yesterday but was restless and I couldn’t figure out why — until both my aunts reminded me.

17 years ago yesterday my mom was murdered. The guy who did it is now free and out there. Last I heard he had cancer and I have no doubts that he never accepted responsibility for what he did. Up until his release he was convinced it was my mom’s fault that this happened. Now, she was never the easiest woman to live with but blaming her for his actions.. well. A real man takes responsibility for what he’s done, even if it was a really horrible mistake. And that action was. It was that action that put my life onto this path, for good or bad. I may have still ended up on this path if it had never happened but how different life might have been. I remember it took a long time for the guilt and anger to subside. I still look for those little moments I try to remember where we were happy — usually holidays at my aunt’s house. I know I was blessed to have so many aunts and uncles to turn to. I know that they may not fully understand this process or path I’m on but they do love me, support me and know I’m happy.

And really, when I look back, the one thing I wanted in life was love. And yet, I never realized I had it at times. I know now. The transition of body is, I believe I’ve said somewhere, the easy part. It’s the transition of mind and soul that is the challenge. Learning to love one’s self when the world feels against you and has been against your true self can, at times, make you doubt your sanity or path that life gives you. But ultimately, it is about finding one’s own true happiness.

Who’d thunk I’d found that in this lifetime?