Going beyond transition

Category Archives: LGBTQ

The Start of a New Year…. Finally.

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, fitness, LGBTQ, Life, Novel writing, transition, Traveling/Work, vegan stuff .

I can honestly say that I’m tired of rain. Heck, at times, it’s been colder in Los Angeles (and wetter!) than in Toronto or other northern cities. Whether the cause is Global Warming or not, isn’t that important. What is important is that the weather patterns are a-changin’. K and I went to Montreal for the festive holidays and ended up staying an extra 3 days thanks to the blizzard that hit the Northeast. It’s interesting how all the Canadian airports had no issue with the storm (even though they handle these kinds of storms regularly) but the big 3 in question — JFK, LaGuardia and Newark — completely fell apart.

I’m thankful that we were staying with family and they had room for us for the extra days but I did feel bad about imposing on them for this extra time. I know that it impacts on the daily routine and sometimes that can be trying. It was still a fun visit, nonetheless. I introduced K to poutine (if you’ve never had this, it is an experience: basically, it’s french fries, cheese curds and gravy). We also indulged in some New Brunswick lobster (tastes very different from Maine or elsewhere). This trip was our last omnivore meal. We’ve reached a point where we want to return back to a vegan diet and primarily one that is a raw vegan diet. I don’t know if we’ll be able to do 100% raw vegan (and, if I could, it’d do 3-4 green smoothies a day) but I’m going to aim for at least 50% if not higher.

I haven’t been back on my bike since we got all the rain and I had all that travel but after my trip this week to San Jose, I should be able to start some cycling for a couple of weeks. One of the things I still have to do is coordinate with a hotel gym when I travel or walk where possible. Given that my next 3 trips will be San Jose, Austin (TX) and Orlando I think walking may be in my future.

So, given that it’s the start of the new year, I suppose I should put up some resolutions. I was going to compare them to last year’s but it appears I didn’t really post any. I suspect that was because I knew things would be somewhat in flux with the move and the visa really being the biggest concerns. Ok.. so here goes.

1. Return back to a vegan lifestyle. I truly can’t take meat or processed foods any more. There still is a part of me that wants to be pescaterian (damned Acadian genes!) but I’m going to avoid that as much as possible. As I said above, I want it to be primarily raw vegan (ideally up to 80%) where possible. I have found that my body is having a harder and harder time with processed foods in general. I’m also cutting out all soda, diet or otherwise. If it ain’t water or whiskey, it’s gonna be a tea.

2. Cycling 3-6 times a week. This will depend on how much on the road I am but if I get what I asked for (once a month) then I should be fine. In addition to this I want to ensure that I do 25 pushups a day and 50 situps (no necessarily all at once but in a series of reps). This would be the basic exercise for every day and should help build some of my core muscles.

3. Do a full completion of the P90X program. I have the DVDs and the space. I just need to do the damned things. I know a lot of trans guys who have done this and they say it’s the best at building up muscle, especially pre-surgery.

4. When not doing P90X or cycling, go for a run. I actually had enjoyed running with my FiveFingers and want to get back to doing that again. I think it’d be a nice alternating exercise to the cycling for me to do as a way to lose weight.

5. Do two centuries to San Diego and back. Nothing gets me on my bike more than having a goal. A century (100 miles in a single day) to San Diego would be a good way to gauge how I’m doing.  Doing it twice — once in May (?) and once in August (?) — would be a good way to gauge how my fitness levels are doing. It can also allow me to explore the area more.

6. Get my driver’s license. At 40, I’m weird in that I’ve never gotten it. And I’ll be honest in that the Los Angeles freeways scare the crap out of me. The average speed is about 80-100 mph (well into the 130-150kph range). I don’t know if I’ll ever use the freeways themselves but there are a lot of secondary freeways I could use. I’m aiming to see if I can get this by my 41st birthday or around there.

7. Walk the pups once a day when I’m at home. This will be particularly helpful for Jan to April since K will be working at her dad’s (an accountant) and that’s prime tax season. It’ll also help me get a little more exercise and keep them from being too wild. I particularly want this to be a 45-60 min venture. Pugs don’t need a lot of exercise but it does help keep these two from fighting with each other (they do this dominance thing a bit and the walks reduce that a lot).

8. Read a book a week and write at least once a day. I “hermitized” during 2010. I withdrew a lot because too much was going on and things are settling down quite a bit now into more of a routine. There is still a part of me that aspires to be a fiction writer. I used to want to write sci fi and part of me still does but given how much mystery I read I may lean that way. Or just combine them. I missed out on the 2010 NaWriMo but want to participate this year. I also have an intention of writing a technical book. I’ve been asked a few times to do a couple and there is one that is pending that I need to work on an outline with a colleague and get that started. I also need to be more diligent on my blogs and that is something I should be doing.

9. Get top surgery (at least) but perhaps a hysto as well. I’m thinking I may try to do this before the GOP repeal it (although I just read today how they are going start off the new session with that). I’m hopeful that my insurance provider will still keep the standard they are (as long as it’s consider a medical necessity by a doctor, they will cover it). I’m finding that my GID has been worsening in regards to physical appearance. Although I pass 100% of the time, I’m very self-conscious of certain things. And I’d like to have the top surgery before I do my big trip in 2012.

10. The actual weight loss goal — lose 60lbs by end of 2011. This means dropping from the 240lbs I had in 2009 (at 5’1″, it’s 50% body fat) to about 180lbs. I’ve been steady between 220-230 the last month or so. That is good but I need to continue to get that needle to drop more. My ultimate goal would be 150-160lbs. Although BMI and others say that still overweight, for my body type (stocky/compact) it’d be too much.

All of these are doable for this year. And now that I’ve written them out, I’ve basically made myself accountable to myself to complete them. In addition to all this, I will be migrating this blog (along with the others) to a new internet provider. I recently got an account to have my sites hosted on a virtual server. This will allow me to install and configure things the way I want it. When I get back from San Jose I will begin that process and post up a new link to the new address (it’ll be an IP to start with until the domain gets resolved to the new address).

Bring on 2011!

I iz famous!

Posted on by Posted in Finances, LGBTQ, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

So I’ve had a busy week. I got my 2nd 15 minutes of fame in my life (my first was when my mom died and some friends did a wine and cheese to raise awareness about violence against women in Canada). This week CNN has been doing a few pieces on what it’s like to be transgendered/transsexual and they wanted members of the community to transmit messages to the world at large. Yesterday I got a ping from one of the editors who wanted more info about me (including phone number). As it turned out my iReport was used as the main iReport for the overall concept (see here: http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=417959). It’s rather flattering. I checked out Anderson Cooper’s interview with Chaz and some of the responses/comments to it. Most people seemed to be saying “Why? I don’t understand..”.

Possibly the only way I know how to answer that is with a question: Explain to me what it’s like to feel completely at home in your gender, where looking in the mirror you think to yourself “Yup. That’s me”.  It’s odd that this is something that has always been part of my life, like a dull migraine in the back of my head but one that I never really examined until I saw that perhaps there was a way to get rid of it. And when I understood that there was a variety of paths I could take, including on that might actually result in me seeing the “inner me”, it was time for a jump. I have not regretted any part of my transition thus far and I still have more to go, along with the challenges associated with them. One of the biggest is surgery. I so desperately want top surgery and I’d like to get it before going on my bike trip next year.

So to that end, I cashed in some stock that I got as a bonus (the government took it’s overly fair share) and the rest will go to wiping out nearly 60-70% of my debt in one fell swoop. I still have more shares left over and those I might use towards surgery itself if I cannot get it covered under health insurance. I’m waiting until I get to L.A. and there I will be aggressively aiming at losing weight. I’ve fluctuated at losing about 10 lbs but I need to shed more. I have to bring myself down by nearly another 90lbs. I’ve let the exercise go by the wayside because of a few life challenges but will be trying to incorporate those again. I’ll also be looking at pursuing a more raw vegan lifestyle.

K and I discussed the move the other night and we decided to sell or donate all larger items (except for the printer, bikes and humidors) or stuff we don’t need. Books and non-critical stuff we’ll send via USPS while critical or sensitive stuff we’ll send via UPS. This makes only Bobcat the issue when moving (she won’t like it but hopefully this will be the last plane trip for her). Once we’re in L.A. we get furniture there. I’ll be selling my Dell desktop and I’ll get a new personal desktop when I’m in L.A. (likely go Apple but not sure yet as to whether to get a Tower or a Mac Book Pro). The thing that I like is that it removes my attachment to things and allows me to purge the things I really don’t use/need. This should, theoretically, make life simplier. As I look around I realize there is a lot of clutter in my life and things I really don’t need. I’ve gotten better at asking myself “Do you really need that? Wait a night or two before buying it, if at all possible”.  Books, in particular, fall under this category. I LOVE to read and I LOVE to learn. Books, for me, have always been the avenue for this. Most of the books I tend to keep are technical books since I tend to use them as reference (I have a heard time reading on my laptop or other computer screen although I’m ok on my iPod — go figure).

Of course, tied in with this stress over the move (exact date TBD) is the stress over the work visa. And it appears I may be getting a new one. This new one should lead me to a green card and then, well… who knows. If we get just get the visa part settled, it would alleviate a lot. Add to that the wait for the new birth certificate. Now that I’ve settled all the uproar over what commissioner they wanted (a commission of oaths), I’m now waiting for the actual certificate to come through. Then I can move forward on a SIN and then — yay! — new passport with a new picture! Gender will still be F for now. Until I have surgery, I cannot get that changed. Once I do have the surgery, I get to go through this all over again…

Whoop.

Dee.

Doo.

CNN iReport and A Message To..

Posted on by Posted in LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

So I recently got an email that piqued my egotistical interest:

Hi there,

Since you previously contributed to our Transgendered Stories assignment on CNN iReport, I thought you’d like to know about a new assignment that just launched. To coincide with the CNN documentary “Her Name Was Steven,” we’re looking for transgendered, transsexual or questioning individuals to share a message with the world. What would you like others to know about you and your experience?

The assignment is simple: Just put a message that you would like others to know about you on a sign and take a self-portrait holding it up.

You can find the assignment here: http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=417959

We’re accepting submissions until April 9. Please feel free to pass the word along! We look forward to seeing your submissions.

Best,

Katie Hawkins-Gaar

p.s. “Her Name Was Steven” airs on CNN this Saturday and Sunday at 8 and 11 p.m. ET. You can find out more here: http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/presents/

Hrmm. Sending a message out to others to let them know what they should know about me, eh? Very intriguing. And how to do it in a few words, no more than a sentence or two? Well, I came up with 3 different messages. You can see the posting on CNN iReport section here and I’ve posted the larger ones below. In some ways, this feels akin to “Ask a Trans” kind of threads and videos I’ve seen elsewhere. And perhaps in a larger, more mainstreamy way it is. My last video on there was actually well received. I think, for the most part, people are nice and kind. But we rarely remember those.

Our minds would rather burn in the painful, angry, hateful ones and forget the ones that show love and affection. It’ll be interesting to see how it’s received. I have no illusions that appearing hetero-normative and being a white male is a benefit to me. Nay, it’s a privilege that I will never shake.

I've always wondered what people saw..

Are you sure you know what you see?

Yes, for real. I am.

I am finally me (sniffles and all)..

Posted on by Posted in Daily life, Finances, LGBTQ, Life, transition, Traveling/Work .

*snork*

*sniffle*

Ah yes, allergies. Gawd, how I hate them. I just got back from San Francisco only to be hit head first by them. I know I’m not sick but just feel miserable because of my sinuses. Hopefully it’ll end by today or tomorrow. That or I’ll be investing in Sudafed for a while.

Last week went well for the most part. 99% of people I ran into got it right. Even TSA did! I was rather surprised at that. The reason was that the law changed as of Aug 15 and all airlines were required to match gender with passport, full name, etc. For some reason American Airlines didn’t put the gender down on the ticket (whether going to San Fran or coming back) but I was never questioned about it. Granted, it could be the ol’ white male privilege hitting in but who knows. Either way, I was glad I didn’t get challenged. Made life easier. I’m getting more comfortable in the washroom (as comfortable as one can get in washrooms that are dirty and often in disrepair). One colleague still needs to work on the name and gender thing. The reality is that I don’t see my colleagues except once or twice a year so mistakes are expected. The majority (about 95%) get it right and even get it right after a few drinks (LOL).

That all said, the name portion will have to definitely change since I’m going to the lawyer’s today to pick up the certified copies of my legal name change and begin the journey to get new birth certificate, new Canadian SIN (Social Insurance Number), new Canadian passport, new US VISA, new US SSN, etc.

Sigh.

Not looking forward to this. But I was frugal about the whole thing. I only cost me the basic costs (e.g., submission of name change, necessary forms, etc.). Lawyers’ fees were gratis thanks to an organization here (TDLEF). It’s amazing how much one can save on legal fees if you just look around. There are a lot of organizations that have been created (I can think of LEGIT in Ontario that helps bi-national LGBTQ couples get residency and such in Canada) to help individuals.

On the financial front, I’ve started applying to those survey sites. It’s definitely something I can do while even on the road. If I made an extra $1-2000 a year, that can either go towards surgery funds (since all of what I need done isn’t covered) or towards paying off debt (although this year I’ll be asking for a decent size raise since I haven’t had one in two years and my role has become more senior; I suspect I’m due!).

Speaking of the financial front, as of Sept 15th my Canadian Taxes will be paid off. That money will be going to one or two of the credit cards along with an extra amount to emergency fund. I still have a long haul in front of me but if I keep chipping at it, it will shrink down to near nothingness.

Like Dory from Finding Nemo says “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..”

Must-see DVD: For the Bible Tells Me So..

Posted on by Posted in LGBTQ .

I just finished watching this DVD (thanks Netflix) and gotta say: the more I investigate how Christianity works the more I believe what Ghandi said. One of the things that seems evident of some here in the world is that if it is written then we are to interpret it as it is written and consider nothing else. The assumption is that the world  never changes and should never change. That it, like God, are constants. But I wonder if some got the message a little screwy, like the Telephone game that kids play. You know, the one where a secret message is told in a large group and by the time you get to the last person the “peanut butter and jelly sandwich” has become the “green elephant on the marshmallow roof”.

The world changes although the actual text, often left to interpretation by us little mere mortals, doesn’t change that much. And from that text are pulled some common quotes:

Leviticus 18:22 (King James Version)

22Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (Source)

The Leviticus quote is the most common one done by various groups who pontificate on the evils of homosexuality. It is interesting that this is often choosen as the main text by, as per the DVD, “literals” — those that take the Bible and read it literally. The challenge to this is that we forget to main points: 1) the Bible were written by men (there are no passages, AFAIK, written by women) and their take on God 2) those letters were written 2,000 in a different time and place than today and 3) were written a few hundred times until we reached where we are today. The Bible is one of the longest ongoing telephone games around. What is often forgotten was that this was, as theologians put it, a form of “holiness” code. A holiness code was a code of behaviours put forth in contrast to the “non-Jews” at the time period. It was a challenge to the excesses and desire to live by right. Many religions and philosophies have that built in. Even in Buddhism we have the 5 Percepts which includes a precept to “abstain from sexual misconduct and sensual overindulgence2“. Does that mean homosexuality? No. It means to ensure that sex is treated as the intimate and relationship building behaviour that it should be; and that it be done with consent between people. In the context of Leviticus, it was a commentary of what was going on at the time by the “pagans” — particularly the wealthy to-do ones who used sex as an activity for the sake of demeaning one’s enemies rather than the union of people.

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
Mahatma Gandhi quotes (Indian Philosopher, 1869-1948)

Genesis 19 talks about the infamous Sodom and Gomorrah, the so-called wicked twin cities. Now this one might have more relevance today but not for the reasons that I think many of us have been taught. The whole story, when you read it, isn’t about the so-called “wicked sexual behaviour” but rather the denying someone into your home with open arms and feasting in the presence of another. Basically something that is sorely lacking in today’s society. We too often sit behind closed doors and refuse others to come in, offering shelter, help, love, laughter and a meal. God, as per this passage, smote the cities because people were — basically — refusing to be human to each other. The site I used for the Leviticus passage allows you to see how each various Bible interpretation lists the passage for Genesis 19:5. The original King James version reads: “And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.” (emphasis on the last words mine). As I flipped to other versions, this got changed to “that we may have sex with them”. At a time when the privileged individuals of cities were turning away “strangers”, it was important to know who existed within the gates and if they were deemed unworthy, they were shunned or worse.

This isn’t about homosexuality or anything else. It’s about how we treat each other and that we should treat each other, even when we are complete strangers, with respect and with the most important message of the Bible that is often forgotten: love. That is what it is ultimately about, isn’t it? Perhaps we need to be more like Christ again and open our doors to each other. If our concern is about where our society is going, then I think we need to start by asking ourselves a simple question: how do I treat the strangers that walk into my life, asking for the simplest of help?

Anyways, the DVD does definitely give thought to both sides of the fence and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the Bible a bit more.

Southern Comfort Documentary (2001)

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I’ve been absent from my support group of late. A lot of it is because of work. The reality is that there is only so much time in a day and teaching, often, in the CST timezone means that I often don’t finish until 6pm EDT. Sometimes I’m on the road.  Since it takes an hour to get to group it means I often miss out on attending. It’s hard at times since the group is often the closest thing to an extended, closer-to-touch family. I do miss it. One of the things I’ve wanted is a large family to be around. I’ve known a large part of my life alone. Having that option where I could invite friends over, have a beer and a cigar, yap, laugh, etc. is something I’ve wanted. Having siblings of some sort, with some kind of shared experience of life, is the other thing I’ve wanted.

Today, as I avoided doing some work, I watched Southern Comfort (2001). It was a wonderful DVD in that it showed the great family connection that Robert Eads and his “sons” made but heartbreaking and maddeningly baffling that the health care system so blatantly ignored the basic raison d’etre for health care: to look after those that need medical help. I have to say that I’m incredibly luckier than most at the support that I’ve gotten from the medical profession here in NYC. As much as I want to move to small town, parts of me worry about the exact issue that Mr. Eads experienced during his lifetime. To die of a curable cancer because no one would treat you is just wrong. My post this morning was about universal health care and whether it could exist here. I have doubts since patient’s rights are not something that seem to be considered.

To keep the good of the patient as the highest priority. — Modern Hippocratic Oath #7

Since so many doctors are taught to put the value of medicine before the needs of the patient, even if universal health care came to be many patients will be ignored because they do not fit into the societal definition of male or woman. I’m not sure how denying someone medical help because they are trans is ensuring that the “good of the patient” is being kept as a priority compared to one’s own fears, prejudices and ignorance. And before someone says that it was perhaps the medical profession was unable to do it, when they called they referenced the trans portion at the end. Until those words were mentioned, the medical professions were eager to help. As to the reasoning as to why they refused to help isn’t clear. It could be anything from fear to ignorance to just place hatred?

I’m sure a lot has changed since this video was made, especially since the Southern Comfort Conference is held in Georgia. But I’m sure there are still areas and medical centers that still discriminate against trans individuals. I wonder how much this is changing with the more visible younger trans guys that are more evident these days? Hopefully, the economy isn’t used as an excuse to prevent an individual from getting support these days. One can only hope that one day health care will be about providing patients with the best possible care, regardless of who the patient is.

It’s not just a really big show

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition .

I recently read Véronique’s blog where she discusses an article by the Catholic Exchange where ENDA would legal protections against discrimination based on gender identity . In a nutshell, they say that trans individuals are deceivers, particularly focusing on MTFs, because they (transsexuals) are those “who reject the sex they were born with and want to be publicly accepted as the other sex” and want protections as well as additional consideration for hate crimes against trans individuals. As I read the article and a few of the comments, I thought to my blog entry to yesterday. So I thought about the discussion and some of the premises that it was based on. It was based on the fear that it would allow men in women’s dresses to go into women’s changing rooms and restrooms. I was surprised they didn’t use the “rape and pedophile argument” that is often used in this case. The whole thing is based on the idea that it’s a deliberate attempt to deceiver others, society and themselves. And that it’s being encouraged by the mass media and medical professions.

“We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

The more I thought about it,the more I was puzzled by items in the article. So began taking it apart, starting with the word “deception”. This is an old word from the 1400-1500s and is defined, by dictionary.reference.com, as a noun, to be either ” 1.the act of deceiving; the state of being deceived.” or  “2.something that deceives or is intended to deceive; fraud; artifice”.  Ok. I can live with that definition. But who’s being deceived? They claim the public is being deceived by the media and activits; the individual themselves are self-deceiving both themselves and others; and that the media and medical profession is deceiving trans individuals into believing that they must do this. Hrmm.

So, my own thoughts from when I was younger — before gender mattered to me — about seeing myself as male was a self-deception? And which is worse: self deception or perceived deception of society? Honestly, if no one knows my gender, does it matter? If it doesn’t matter why are people being killed over it? (Well, they did say that it was understandable to have this reaction because of the fact that one has “deceived” the other person of their “true” DNA). By their logic, I should spend the rest of my life in a gender that never fit, that’s not comfortable and caused me more personal grief over the course of my lifetime. It is almost as if they are saying that the person attacking is the victim, not the person being attacked.

But part of the premise that they are forwarding is a belief that there is a deliberate attempt by a trans individual to “deceive”. And what they do not understand or perhaps, may not be able to comprehend is that this isn’t a choice to do an action. For me, deception involves a deliberate intention to commit fraud to someone else and that we are aware that it is a fraud. And (yes, I’m generalizing but take a leap with me, please) I suspect that many trans individuals, like myself, don’t view transition or being trans as a fraud but rather that we’re finally being authentic as was given to us. A born-again Christian once said to me that while he didn’t understand my path he did admit that he felt that God had put many challenges before me. And he’s right (whether it is God, Allah, some other deity or none my life has been filled with a variety of challenges). I had always wondered why others were happy with life and how could I get in on that. I tried all sorts of things — things that often made me feel uncomfortable and made me feel like a sham, a fraud.

You should not live one way in private, another in public.  — Publilius Syrus (Latin writer of maxims, 45BC-1BC)

Apparently for those that believe the way that the Catholic Exchange do I should live my life as a sham than as my true self because society might have issue with it. I look back at the past and how Jesus or Buddha wer defined (I use Jesus as a reference since it’s a person that a Catholic could identify with; please be assured I am no way near the compassionate man he or someone like the Buddha was) during their times on the planet. Both men were viewed with fear, revulsion and misunderstanding until people took the time to learn about them and what they were talking about. Both had little desire to cater to the wealth and helped those that needed the most help. They remained true to themselves as beings rather than living up to the desire to fit into a specific view of things: one was the son of a carpenter (and probably likely to inherit that role) while the other a king and believed to inherit riches beyond imagination at the time. Society would have been happy with that but they “bucked” the trend and went with what they felt was the true nature of themselves.

If others choose to believe that someone like me deliberately attempts to deceive them, the one suggestion I have: this ain’t about you. It’s about me and what fits for me. I’ll let you know what you need to know when it’s relevant. There are a lot of things about me that others don’t need to know (although I do talk a lot here about what seems like everything) but there are some things that are on a need-to-know basis or will be on that basis.

Happiness Can Only Exist in Acceptance .. but whose?

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

So this week I’m in Dallas. It’s been a decent week albeit hot. And I don’t just mean warm, I mean so hot an egg could fry on the pavement if you put it there. The food culture here is also challenging. The deep-frying of everything can be a bit much (although, if I wasn’t vegan, I’d try the deep fried Snickers; maybe if they could deep fry an oreo for me or something). I did have deep fried corn on the cob (!!?!). It did seal in the juicyness of the cob but there was nothing more to it than that. Food aside, it’s been both a good week and a bit depressing. It’s good in that I’m rock star as I teach. The students seem to be enjoying it and staying awake (heat be damned). This is always good and getting lots of questions, even in a small class, has been good. I’ve been “Ma’am” and “she’d” a little more than I’d like, however. It’s weird after going for weeks on end where I get “sir”, “mister”, etc. to be given the other gender like that. It’s almost a slap in the face as to what I do not feel comfortable in.

This is a stark contrast to last week when I felt like I was on top of the world. The variety of activities that ensued to make life seem far more exciting and safe than they do this week. I’m actually kind of concerned, given that I’m in Texas — relatively conservative compared to other places, about how others may be reacting to me and how my presence in certain areas (e.g., washroom and such) may heighten the risk to my personal safety. My students seem ok but it’s really everyone else that I have to deal with that worries me. The looks I get (and ignore for the most part) have me wondering if someone is going to try something. For all of my life I’ve never been worried about my safety until now. The more I experience this the more I want some basic surgeries to address what is still left to address.

This week has seen a continuance of the discussion of Chaz’ decision to transition. It is great in one way to have such a public figure transition but in others, it may open up more of a challenge for other trans individuals. We’ll be expected to be as open and public about our process. For me it’s not an issue but for others it may be. They  may have more of a private life that they do not want to be shared nor do they want that expectation to be shared looming over them. Additionally, Chaz startdoom is a benefit to him, even if it’s inherited. He’ll likely be treated better than the average trans individual. This will be true, IMO, on a face-to-face basis. When one is viewed from a distance a whole variety of other factors will come into play, particularly anonymity. The responses by the general public has been less than positive. If anything they have been worse than what I’ve seen against other trans individuals.

In some ways it would be nice to let the public see how a transition is and what it’s like to face discrimination, particularly when people don’t understand the reasoning behind transitioning. It’s not about what’s in society; it’s not about wanting privilege; it’s not about trying to fit in with what society accepts. It is about what is acceptable to the self and how a person views the self in regards to others. I understand why others cannot see the world as I see it and why I have this need or this coercive soul-binding draw to do what I must just as much as I cannot understand what it’s like to not have that in place. The important thing is to remember that not all of us walk the same path. Whether you call it God, Fate or just what life is we each have our own path put before us. Degrading and demeaning one of us affects us all.

As much as I would like to be accepted by society I know that will not be the answer to my ultimate soul happiness. For that, I have to accept myself as is. And try as I might, the view of what I am is very different than what I was born with (just the external parts — inside, there is a lot I like although I’m constantly improving and updating). Shouldn’t that be what our lives are about? Experiencing, learning, growing??

Ah, yes. I sent “THE EMAIL” today for work.

Posted on by Posted in LGBTQ, trans activism, transgender, transition, Traveling/Work .

It was the last stage of outing myself. I sent the email to my colleagues about name and gender. It was bound to happen and it’s the final stage of letting those around me know. It’s interesting to be so public about transitioning. It makes me wonder how well it would have been received if I wasn’t so open about me and my life path. I feel pretty lucky about who my colleagues are and the company I work for. I know I could be in a place that’s not so accepting and could make my life miserable but I’m not. I’m lucky in that my work environment is mostly home but I do venture out into the rest of the world at times as well. One of the nice effects of being open is that I have less to lose if someone “outs” me, so to speak.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would still prefer to out myself, if it is necessary, and do it on my own terms. This is especially important when I get to the stage of life that I’m stealth or just read entirely as a guy and the former tomboy of past is forgotten. But even if someone did out me, deliberately or accidentally, it’s not as impacting as someone who doesn’t want the world to know, especially if the transitioned prior to their identity being established in the greater world. This is one of the things I vacillate over: would it have been better if I had transition prior to starting life (say, while in university) or is it better to have done it when I’ve lived almost half my life? It probably would have been easier and cheaper to have done this when I was in university. I would have less IDs to change and fewer people to inform. On the flip side, doing this in the late 80s/early 90s in heavily conservative Ottawa wouldn’t have been fun — especially since I was a member of the Progressive Conservative party (yes, I was — scary, huh?). There was even less understanding and tolerance than today so my transition would have faced a lot more push-back. And I certainly wouldn’t have the protections that I have today (thanks to those brave souls who took that to task).

Doing it now means I have far more of an established life that will have to be adjusted both by those that know me and even  myself. We have habits that become ingrained and are sometimes hard to separate from. Because of that, it’s hard to not be public about my transition. Certainly some parts will always remain private just for me and my partner but a lot will be out on display. I will also have a long road ahead of me to get all the legal necessities of name and such changed. For now, name will be the priority. Surgery may be close or farther off, not sure yet. And while I may yet still face intolerance but I’m far more protected now than I would have been if I had done this 20 years ago and knowing that makes it somewhat easier to transition on the job.

In the end, I’m glad I’m doing it now. My life experiences, thus far, have helped to make me the person I am and appreciate the things that I’m not and do not want to be. It also helps me to recognize when certain things are a bit over the top and I can voice why. One of the nice pluses to finally outing myself (how apropos that I do this in June, Pride month although it might have been more fitting to do it in October on National Coming Out Day) is that I no longer have to worry about what others think about me. It’s all out there. Either you’ll be ok with it or won’t. It won’t change the person I am — I’m still the self-absorbed, lazy, geeky vegan, cigar-smokin’ twit as I was before. 😉 And if someone isn’t happy about it, there is nothing I can do. That is that’s person choice/issue to address. They can ask me all sorts of questions as to why but in the end the choice to do or not do was for me and no one else.

A history of the same-sex marriage in the US

Posted on by Posted in hate crimes, LGBTQ, Politics .

I had a lunch with a friend over the weekend who explained to me a bit more about the US Constitution and how it’s supposed to protect minority groups from being oppressed by the larger majority. It’s interesting to note that this is actually what is going on in the US and no one has taken it to the federal court to challenge the bans on that exact basis:

Transparency: A History of Gay Marriage Bans

Transparency: A History of Gay Marriage Bans