Oh wow. I’ve been bad again about keeping things up to date, eh? Lots of good things have happened in the last little while so may be time for an update.

Yes, yes. I did succumb to the hype and got an iPhone 4. And to be honest, I love it. I still haven’t had the same issues that I keep reading about. My signal has been pretty good to begin with and I did get a bumper (which has been recently refunded thanks to Apple). I had been waiting, for what seemed like forever, for Otter Box to release their Defender series case. That arrive today and my iPhone is now snuggled into a decent case to protect against my clumsiness. Thankfully, it’s not as nearly as big as my Blackberry Otter Box case nor as heavy. The multitasking OS is awesome now and far more helpful. I’ve become more of an app addict and have found more apps that are useful for me.

And speaking of apps, I started using C25K (Couch-to-5K). I’ve been using this in the last couple of weeks to increase my weight loss. I had lost 10lbs but had plateaued. With my online teaching and the heat index, I hadn’t been leaving the apartment that much. This program has been helpful at pushing my body to burn more calories. Every other day I run/walk (5 min warmup, 30 min run and 5 min cool down) towards eventually running a 5k (this is a 9 week program). Once I do that, I’ll probably get the “Ease into 10K” (10 week program) or “Bridge to 10K” (6 week program). Thus far, I’ve lost an additional 4lbs (see chart below).

Get your own graph at skinnyr

While I still qualify as “morbidly obese”, I’m making progress. I’ve dropped 3+ points on the BMI scale and if I continue at this rate (about 7-8lbs per month, I might break 200 by the end of the year. This would be good for a variety of reasons: better health, top surgery options, better self-opinion of myself. I’ve never been happy with myself when I can barely fit into seats on airplanes and this will help me deal with that better. I’ve lost about 2-3 inches off the waist as well so that’s good.

And I might be flying more (not necessarily more often but rather I may be doing fewer online classes). I’ve gotten a new role in the company. While I’m still an instructor, I’ve also picked up the role of tech lead. This will mean I’ll be doing more specialized classes and a lot of research (which I enjoy and should allow me a more flexible schedule). I’m still waiting to see what happens with the visa (should be hearing on that in September sometime). Although I cannot leave the US until that time is up, I may have to so I can get a new passport. I finally got my birth certificate changed and have sent off for a new SIN number. With the birth certificate and SIN, I could finally get a new passport with my new name.

I don’t think I could ever envision I could be this happy with my life.

Life is good, indeed.

The Birthday Boi

Heh. Who knew, eh? Yesterday I was miserable. I lost internet access for pretty much the whole day (from 8am to about 10pm). This was thanks to Ma Nature and the Rains. Lots of rains. So much rain, in fact, that the interwebs “signals were lost”. The geek in me hears this and goes “Whut?”. It’s not like we’re doing morse code or something. To make it worse, they had no clue as to when the “signals” would return. I’ve now realized that’s just code for “Once the rain stops, then all will be good”.

Morons.

At least it seems back and stable now. As it happens, I’m teaching this week (well, couldn’t do it yesterday so will teach today and the rest of the week at least). And, to be honest, turning 40 really isn’t, in many ways, different than any other year. I figure I’m about half-way through life now and that’s fine. I look back at the first 40 and they have been interesting. Some things I wish I didn’t do, some things I wish I had done sooner and somethings I’m glad I did do. And I don’t regret any decisions in life. All those decisions brought me to the place I’m at  in the here-and-now.

There are times when I feel I miss out on family and seem to crave that kind of closeness but I know that I need only to pick up the phone and call them to see how they are doing. Perhaps sticky notes to remind myself as I honestly forget. I had actually hoped to have a birthday party (I haven’t had one since I turned 21) but since so many of my friends and family are in Canada (gosh! My Facebook wall exploded!) it’d be hard to do. Perhaps my 50th we’ll plan a big too-do or something. It is nice, however, to be remembered and I am thankful for that. For me, to be honest, it’s never been about the presents or cakes or anything like that. It has always been about the memories I can forge with friends, family and loved ones. Those are things I can always hold on to no matter where I am in life.

This year is going to be a gangbuster year, I can tell. I’ve made some serious headway on finances; I’ll be decluttering and de-materializing (no, no.. not a transporter thing; just getting rid of “things” and “stuff”) as part of the move to California (still looking like late June/late July); getting my driver’s license (in California); getting new work visa (?) to stay longer and work towards a green card; and so on.  Right now, I can honestly say that things feel right. I’m feeling whole (well, nearly whole — I still want to get necessary surgeries) but to feel so completely at one with one’s self is a novel feeling for me. And to feel it for the last couple of years, a blessing.

While I do miss talking (the little we did) with my dad, I’m very grateful for all the others who have come into my life.

So thank you, readers, friends, family alike, for letting me be me and for making my world this wonderful adventure!

Here’s to another 40 or more!

I’ve been lazy and busy at the same time for the last little while. I sometimes go through a non-desire to write and the most recent time period was it. I’ll admit to being a little bit of a WoW addict of late. (Yes, that is the first step to healing). But it is a cheap escape for me and the puzzles do exercise the mind in many ways. I think I’ve gotten a little bored with work. The excitement is down and I think I’m getting a little worried about the visa situation. I’m still waiting to hear. I think if it does fail, I’ll head to BC (Vancouver) and ride out the year there. It’d suck but, one does what ya have to do.

I have gotten a little bit excited about a new site that I’m helping out on: ButchFemmePlanet. Coming in at the ground level, it’s re-energinzed my non-work related geek to poke at vBulletin more and to do a little work on VeganBodybuilding site (I’m the admin there too). I have to say that BFP definitely feels like a breath of fresh air and has a good community feel about it. The community feeling is important to me. It adds to that sense of belonging and purpose that we often want in life beyond our partners. Anyways, it’s refueled my desire to re-learn PHP, go more advanced and get beyond that. I’ll be investigating into some things I could do to improve the blog a bit but we’ll see.

The NaNoWriMo failed for me this year. It was that whole bored/lazy thing. I dunno why but the idea I had at first fizzled. I used to have such a creative mind but now, not so much. It’s made me wonder if some of that is the T. My emotions and how I display them have certainly changed. I find I cannot cry any more (things that would have me sniffling barely get a whimper). It’s a very hard thing to come to grips with. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel for them, it’s just that I cannot show it like I used to.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. This has never been a huge holiday for me largely because we never visited family and associated meaning with the holiday. When I learned the true history of Thanksgiving, that it wasn’t as “Rockwellian” as we’d believe, it lost it’s importance to me even more. It’s shocking how everyone here talks about how it’s for family and such — and then I see a lot of the grocery stores open (albeit with shortened hours). It is a commercialized holiday to the Nth degree and that really does suck. For us, we didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving but rather our 3rd year together. We first started dating on Thanksgiving in 2006 (although online) and it’s been an amazing 3 years. Certainly we’ve had bumps and bruises along the way but I have found that we’ve gotten closer and love each other more now than before. It’s an awesome feeling. I made a pure vegan dinner — tofurky, vegan dumplings, potatos, onions, carrots, gravy and a vegan wish bone — that we thoroughly enjoyed. And then we watched Bruno. That has to be the weirdest movie I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised that it made it to theaters and that lawsuits of one sort or another didn’t prevent it from airing. There were some parts that were just downright funny and others that surprised me that the audience didn’t kill him.

Anyways, online blog buddy DolphynGyrl wanted to know what 5 things we’re thankful for this holiday season so here are mine:

1. I am thankful that I finally found my path in life, even if it took a few years.

2. I am thankful that I have a job I love (yes, I do still love my job)

3. I am thankful for good health of friends and family

4. I am thankful that Bobcat is still around, cranky as ever.

5. I am thankful for K being in my life. Without her, life would be lonely and very plain.

It’s been a busy week or so for me and an interesting one. Last week, because I wanted to do a beta version of a certification, I was studying like mad in addition to teaching our new course in front of students. My average day just for the teaching, not including travel time, was nothing less than 10 hours. Add to that a round-trip total of 3 hours on the subway and then another 3-5 hours each night studying and the week was 80+ hours of “work”. Anyways, I wrote the certification yesterday and am waiting for the results. I’m hopeful that I passed because then I won’t have to recertify (which means writing the regular exam and getting 85% on it). It was a quiet week at home for me since K was in Los Angeles and Bobcat lost her voice (I suspect she was meowing all day trying to find someone and couldn’t). While I like my little moments of bachelorhood, I prefer it when K is around. More laughter and dreaming happens.

Anyways, back to last week. So this was the first week I was teaching at our NYC facility and doing so, out to the staff, as an FTM. I didn’t tell my students since it’s not a really a requirement nor is it really their business. If someone had asked, I’d certainly say that I am trans and such but since it wasn’t relevant, I left it. I used the men’s washroom but usually when empty (as it happened it was a light load of students this week at the facility so it was easier for me). What was interesting was how I was read. Since I haven’t had top surgery yet I worry about how I present still but I was completely read as to how I view myself. It’s amazing how far I’ve come in a year (July 24 happens to be my year anniversary on T).  The reviews on my teaching came back good and the references were entirely “he”. This was good and I had to chuckle as one student, his transphobia showing a bit, went on a rant about being “felt up” while on the subway. He said he wouldn’t have mind if it was a women but if it was a guy or a trans women, well!

I have doubts that he was “felt up” and that it was more a question of people shifting when the subway is packed (Toronto has nothing on NYC when it comes to packed subways, let me tell you). I didn’t laugh and the look on my face must have been enough to shut him up because he didn’t mention it again except for one last comment that he could identify a trans person easily. I froze at this. Based on his demeanour and claimed history, he sounds like a guy who uses action first and then — maybe — thinks about it. He claims to have “family” ties back to Europe. But he read me as I a guy and didn’t clue in. He didn’t say anything further. A person’s prejudice is their own thing and as long as he stopped it in the classroom, then all was good (which he did — amazing how one doesn’t have to speak to get a point across). I had thought about writing about this yesterday but was restless and I couldn’t figure out why — until both my aunts reminded me.

17 years ago yesterday my mom was murdered. The guy who did it is now free and out there. Last I heard he had cancer and I have no doubts that he never accepted responsibility for what he did. Up until his release he was convinced it was my mom’s fault that this happened. Now, she was never the easiest woman to live with but blaming her for his actions.. well. A real man takes responsibility for what he’s done, even if it was a really horrible mistake. And that action was. It was that action that put my life onto this path, for good or bad. I may have still ended up on this path if it had never happened but how different life might have been. I remember it took a long time for the guilt and anger to subside. I still look for those little moments I try to remember where we were happy — usually holidays at my aunt’s house. I know I was blessed to have so many aunts and uncles to turn to. I know that they may not fully understand this process or path I’m on but they do love me, support me and know I’m happy.

And really, when I look back, the one thing I wanted in life was love. And yet, I never realized I had it at times. I know now. The transition of body is, I believe I’ve said somewhere, the easy part. It’s the transition of mind and soul that is the challenge. Learning to love one’s self when the world feels against you and has been against your true self can, at times, make you doubt your sanity or path that life gives you. But ultimately, it is about finding one’s own true happiness.

Who’d thunk I’d found that in this lifetime?

I had submitted a question to Brian at Daily Buddhism about how to address hatred spewed at trans individuals. Although outside of Brian’s experience I believe he addressed it well as did the many respondents. The more I think about it, the more I believe that being open about myself and my path lessens the possibility of directed hate. Will it get rid of all hatred? No. That exists as long as people see things they don’t understand, cannot explain and don’t want to learn about (closed mind). But perhaps it will lessen for some. We live in times where people actually are far more open. I’m thankful to those that came before and suffered much in their path. And I’m hopeful that those that come after will be able to find their way — whatever path it may be — with little suffering and fear.

This past week turned out to be far better than expected. As some of you have read, this was the first week that colleagues really saw me since before my transition began. I was very apprehensive after reading about so many who have been mocked, ridiculed, etc. when they transitioned on the job. I got the complete opposite. To the point of near tears. I am blessed for working in a company that is supportive of the person I am and am becoming. I wasn’t quite comfortable using the washroom with colleagues but have done more of that when out in public or going to airports. I get “sir’d” constantly now and even changed a few of my “points” (e.g., hotel, airline, etc.) to “Mr.” and get called that as well. Almost every night, I met up with about 4-12 of my colleagues in one room or another. We had a few drinks (it’d kill the swine flu, I tells ya); a few cigars; and a lot of war stories. I got asked a few questions, shown a lot of support and good laughter. I guess it was a form of bonding with my colleagues (many who want to do co-teaches with me, especially in Vegas — apparently they’d lied; it doesn’t stay in Vegas — LOL).

I know there are a few who probably weren’t sure of what had happened to me and aren’t too sure how to ask (they were being polite or PC, not sure which). And for those folks it may be necessary to do an email to colleagues. I think that this week I’ll be working on that email and send it out (assuming HR is ok with it). I’ll probably put a huge line at the bottom that says something along the lines that I’m ok with pretty much any question being asked to me directly but to remember that I’m not like other trans individuals and not to assume that others will answer those questions.

It was weird today. For some reason I wish I could call my mom and tell her, excitedly, about all my successes. But then I remembered I can’t. Many choices in life I do not regret .. except one: my last words to my mom two years prior to her death. It doesn’t change the fact that she was killed unnecessarily  nor does it change the history we had (both good and bad). But as I travel further down my Buddhist path, I’m becoming more aware of the power of karma (karma is neither good nor bad, it just is the effect of actions) and the importance of lessening the suffering, no matter how small, on ourselves and others.

Anyways, I do believe that I am proof of a few things. It is possible to transition on the job with little or few objections by employer, employees and customers. I am also proof, I suspect, of white privilege and specifically, male white privilege. I work in a male dominanted industry and one that is highly white dominanted (for all the wrong reasons, IMO). It is stuff like that which frustrates me since I cannot figure out how to change things (at least not just yet).  It will be interesting to see if my salary changes at the next performance review (it should — not based on gender but rather all the things I’m doing and will be doing over the next 6 months).

Mom and lil me

Today is Mother’s Day. Many people will celebrate it with their mothers by taking them out for brunch or serving them breakfast in bed. Card manufacturers will make a fortune in calls and such. When my mom was alive, I know I didn’t appreciate her. Sometimes it’s the not so obvious things that really matter. My mom’s name, Michele, always hits home when listening to the Beatles’ classic; particularly since she was a huge fan of theirs.

Ok. I’ll admit this upfront. I know I’m weird for not being a big fan of Jim Carrey but I’m not. I like his more serious, darker work like “The Number 23“. Now I agreed to watch “Yes Man” because it’s one of K’s recent favourite movies. While predictable at some points, it is a simple sweet movie. What I found most profound was the message tied in the movie itself. Basically, it’s the premise that if we remain open to possibilities we live life more. And this is a very true statement. It seemed a rather ironic thought after yesterday’s post about having our social relationships constructed only online. Are we saying yes to relationships because of online or no to real time life?

But as I thought about it more, and looked beyond that post, it dawned on me that I had become a quasi-”yes man” by virtue of moving forward in life by saying “yes” to things: being more open about myself, allowing myself to move forward in transition, taking that first scary step when joining the support group, visiting a sangha, moving to the US, finding a new love, etc. For a long time I stayed with the safe, never really taking chances. It was when I began to do long distance solo bicycle touring that I realized that saying “yes” to doing those things meant a whole world was open. Heck, even saying “yes” to being frugal has had it’s benefits. For once, I have enough money in my bank accounts to pay for day-to-day stuff. Sure, not as much as I’d like and I still have credit cards to pay off but better than where I was before. Things like saying “yes” to a walk rather than sitting at home watching TV, reading rather than aimlessly wandering the internet, making food at home rather than going out, etc. Life seems so much more alive and one doesn’t need to spend a lot (it was a question I asked K in that it seemed like Carrey’s character did things that would, ultimately, break someone financially).

What do you say “yes” to?

I was reading “Lonely in the Electronic Wilderness” by Handan T. Satiroglu. It’s an interesting insight into how society has changed thanks to the Internet. Really, the big “I” internet was meant as a tool to share info. There is definitely some strong truths to it from my point of view. I’ve actually begun to wonder if we’ve forgotten how to make friends outside of the internet. We certainly have colleagues and associates at work and at our other temporary social gatherings but those close, dear friends are farther and farther apart. We turn to the internet to make social connections that are somewhat cold and calculated, useful for our time and place of things. I suspect that is why we see many people who have lots of online “friends” or “acquaintances” and yet, feel so lonely.

It’s not to say that this method of communication doesn’t open doors for those who are truly challenged otherwise by society. As a former introvert to the extreme, the internet opened gateways for me that I would never would have imagined. It allowed me a voice to be myself and move beyond the binary of 1s and 0s. But at the same time I longed for something more. I’ve been lucky that in work (P, V and S) I’ve had a few people who I’ve connected to on a more personal basis and feel a friendship there (not a deep friendship but more than an acquaintance, that’s for sure). And I consider myself lucky to have those friendships. I also know I’ve connected with a few online who I’ve met in person and have transformed from just online acquaintances to something more than just friend (perhaps not quite to full deep BFF but close to that). The likes of Arwen, Stephanie and Merrick — in addition to my K — are definitely in that category.

And then there’s my students. While many of them pop up now and again, a few I stay in semi-regular contact with (*waves to Matt*). I still have a few friends from high school (I get to meet up with one next week after not seeing each other for nearly 5 years). Much like my cousin in Alberta, we can pick up where we left off as if nothing happened. Those are the friends that I hold the dearest to me as they’ve known me for far too long and still accept  me as I am. The one thing I want (and I’ve mentioned this to K) is to stop moving around. I want to be in a place long enough to make local friends and connections, regulars I can hang with and perhaps even “HERF” (enjoy cigars) with in the backyard or local cigar store. And I want our kids to have an opportunity to have long term friends to turn to for love, laughter, squabbels, support and other things that make us whole. More importantly, I want them to be able to do this in real time and not just online (it’s foolish to assume that there will not be a long term impact or permanence to online friendships and such).

One of the ways I combat being only online is my job (by nature of being an instructor you have to have an investment into your student body and care about their success). In addition to that, the support group I go to. We have created friendships outside of that and it’s been helpful. Although I’m often feeling my age around the younger guys, I still feel like I belong and that matters a lot to me. The one thing that I might yet still explore for more connections is my spiritual search. The challenge is the fact that I’m always on the road and often exhausted by the end of a teaching day. This summer promises no exception since most of May and June I’ll be on the road (including visits to San Francisco, Denver and Dallas forecasted in addition to teaching NYC).

I’m curious as to what others do to find human contact outside of the electronic world. What’s your secret for this?

I’ve been reviving my pursuit of Buddhism spirituality (I hesitate to say religion at this point as I don’t follow specific rituals but try to follow a path that sings to me). Anyways, I’ve been reading Daily Buddhism regularly now and today the post had this story in it:

I remember years ago I was getting counseling from a very wise man and explained to him how when I returned to my home town after a couple years away, I fell right back into my old patterns of life, which included many healthy choices. I explained it him this way, ” Have you ever seen those chickens at fairs that do a trick or something? Like the kind that are in a small cage with a light bulb and a piano? When I was growing up there used to be one near our house at a small amusement park. You put a quarter in a slot below the cage and the light bulb in the cage would turn on. The chicken would see the light and walk over to the piano. The chicken would peck out four or five notes on the piano and food would be dispensed as a reward. You see, I feel like that chicken when I come home. When the light goes on, I  play the piano.”

My wise counsel replied, ” You have forgotten one important point. You are not a chicken.”

It’s made me think how society is like this. We’ve grown up with family and friends who choose to be what the light bulb tells us and we follow that route consistently. And then others we ignore the light bulb, following the path that is meant for them or for their friends. This past week I discovered how my perceived notions that people would judge me based on the fact that I’m transitioning is completely wrong. I need to stop paying attention to the light and moving beyond that perception. Again, it doesn’t indicate that others aren’t but personally I’m finding a life that is with limited challenge (perhaps white ?male? privilege) to what I look like and more about what I say and do. This is heartening.

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.” — Tina Turner

I’ve yet to be challenged at Customs (Canada or US) or by the TSA.

I’ve yet to be challenged at work by colleagues or clients. In fact, most of my clients that I meet these days are convinced I’m a guy (and I haven’t had any surgery yet).

I have yet to be challenged on the street for the person I am.

My family and friends still talk with me, even if they do not understand. They are gentle and tolerant.

I still have to address my one fear — washrooms — but that is likely for naught. I think I twisted some guys head the other day when he held the men’s washroom door open as we walked to the washroom and I went into the other. I still have to remind myself of the unattributed quote: “Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears.” I do see more and more smiles as to the person I am and not what I think or have been told that others might see. We are often too overwhelmed over the negative that we let it become the norm when it really isn’t necessarily so.

I suppose I am lucky and privileged to have such a supportive network of friends and family. I’ve seen what outright hatred and denial is like through the eyes of others I’ve talked with. I suppose taking the Middle Way in regards to my transition works to allow others to see me change gradually and accept it rather than force an extreme view down their throat (forcing and/or extremism, IMO, often lead others to become rigid and unwavering in their being).

Life is good for this non-chicken.