A Life about Transition

So I’ve had a busy week. I got my 2nd 15 minutes of fame in my life (my first was when my mom died and some friends did a wine and cheese to raise awareness about violence against women in Canada). This week CNN has been doing a few pieces on what it’s like to be transgendered/transsexual and they wanted members of the community to transmit messages to the world at large. Yesterday I got a ping from one of the editors who wanted more info about me (including phone number). As it turned out my iReport was used as the main iReport for the overall concept (see here: http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=417959). It’s rather flattering. I checked out Anderson Cooper’s interview with Chaz and some of the responses/comments to it. Most people seemed to be saying “Why? I don’t understand..”.

Possibly the only way I know how to answer that is with a question: Explain to me what it’s like to feel completely at home in your gender, where looking in the mirror you think to yourself “Yup. That’s me”.  It’s odd that this is something that has always been part of my life, like a dull migraine in the back of my head but one that I never really examined until I saw that perhaps there was a way to get rid of it. And when I understood that there was a variety of paths I could take, including on that might actually result in me seeing the “inner me”, it was time for a jump. I have not regretted any part of my transition thus far and I still have more to go, along with the challenges associated with them. One of the biggest is surgery. I so desperately want top surgery and I’d like to get it before going on my bike trip next year.

So to that end, I cashed in some stock that I got as a bonus (the government took it’s overly fair share) and the rest will go to wiping out nearly 60-70% of my debt in one fell swoop. I still have more shares left over and those I might use towards surgery itself if I cannot get it covered under health insurance. I’m waiting until I get to L.A. and there I will be aggressively aiming at losing weight. I’ve fluctuated at losing about 10 lbs but I need to shed more. I have to bring myself down by nearly another 90lbs. I’ve let the exercise go by the wayside because of a few life challenges but will be trying to incorporate those again. I’ll also be looking at pursuing a more raw vegan lifestyle.

K and I discussed the move the other night and we decided to sell or donate all larger items (except for the printer, bikes and humidors) or stuff we don’t need. Books and non-critical stuff we’ll send via USPS while critical or sensitive stuff we’ll send via UPS. This makes only Bobcat the issue when moving (she won’t like it but hopefully this will be the last plane trip for her). Once we’re in L.A. we get furniture there. I’ll be selling my Dell desktop and I’ll get a new personal desktop when I’m in L.A. (likely go Apple but not sure yet as to whether to get a Tower or a Mac Book Pro). The thing that I like is that it removes my attachment to things and allows me to purge the things I really don’t use/need. This should, theoretically, make life simplier. As I look around I realize there is a lot of clutter in my life and things I really don’t need. I’ve gotten better at asking myself “Do you really need that? Wait a night or two before buying it, if at all possible”.  Books, in particular, fall under this category. I LOVE to read and I LOVE to learn. Books, for me, have always been the avenue for this. Most of the books I tend to keep are technical books since I tend to use them as reference (I have a heard time reading on my laptop or other computer screen although I’m ok on my iPod — go figure).

Of course, tied in with this stress over the move (exact date TBD) is the stress over the work visa. And it appears I may be getting a new one. This new one should lead me to a green card and then, well… who knows. If we get just get the visa part settled, it would alleviate a lot. Add to that the wait for the new birth certificate. Now that I’ve settled all the uproar over what commissioner they wanted (a commission of oaths), I’m now waiting for the actual certificate to come through. Then I can move forward on a SIN and then — yay! — new passport with a new picture! Gender will still be F for now. Until I have surgery, I cannot get that changed. Once I do have the surgery, I get to go through this all over again…

Whoop.

Dee.

Doo.

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So I recently got an email that piqued my egotistical interest:

Hi there,

Since you previously contributed to our Transgendered Stories assignment on CNN iReport, I thought you’d like to know about a new assignment that just launched. To coincide with the CNN documentary “Her Name Was Steven,” we’re looking for transgendered, transsexual or questioning individuals to share a message with the world. What would you like others to know about you and your experience?

The assignment is simple: Just put a message that you would like others to know about you on a sign and take a self-portrait holding it up.

You can find the assignment here: http://www.ireport.com/ir-topic-stories.jspa?topicId=417959

We’re accepting submissions until April 9. Please feel free to pass the word along! We look forward to seeing your submissions.

Best,

Katie Hawkins-Gaar

p.s. “Her Name Was Steven” airs on CNN this Saturday and Sunday at 8 and 11 p.m. ET. You can find out more here: http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/presents/

Hrmm. Sending a message out to others to let them know what they should know about me, eh? Very intriguing. And how to do it in a few words, no more than a sentence or two? Well, I came up with 3 different messages. You can see the posting on CNN iReport section here and I’ve posted the larger ones below. In some ways, this feels akin to “Ask a Trans” kind of threads and videos I’ve seen elsewhere. And perhaps in a larger, more mainstreamy way it is. My last video on there was actually well received. I think, for the most part, people are nice and kind. But we rarely remember those.

Our minds would rather burn in the painful, angry, hateful ones and forget the ones that show love and affection. It’ll be interesting to see how it’s received. I have no illusions that appearing hetero-normative and being a white male is a benefit to me. Nay, it’s a privilege that I will never shake.

I've always wondered what people saw..

Are you sure you know what you see?

Yes, for real. I am.

I realized after I posted the video that I got the years wrong. My planned trip of San Fran to L.A. will be 2011 while Vancouver to L.A. is slated for 2012 (assuming the world doesn’t end )

HURRAH CANADA!

Women's Team Canada wins gold

It was nice watching Team Canada win over Team USA last night, even if it was on NBC (they really need to improve their coverage). As I watched them play, it brought back a flood of memories when I once dreamed (prior to the explosion of women’s hockey) of playing in the NHL and elsewhere. Today, I’m not even sure if I could join a pickup league. I took a look in Google for teams in Los Angeles and did find the L.A. Blades, a lesbian and gay community team but they have no indication if trans individuals are allowed to play. As I continue further into my transition and yet, still am in the in-between stages of things (since surgery is still lacking), I find team and community oriented sports still lacking in trans support. I suppose that’s why I’ve taken to liking cycling since it is primarily a solo activity.

In fact, assuming that the visa stuff works out, I’m planning on a L.A. to San Fran trip next year and the year after doing a L.A. to Vancouver, BC trip (Veronique, if you’re still there I’d love to meet up with you and your wife). I miss cycling almost as much as I miss hockey. I suppose some of this has to do with the 3 books I finished reading this week: The Sex Lives of Cannibals: Adrift in the Equatorial Pacific, Getting Stoned with Savages: A Trip Through the Islands of Fiji and Vanuatu and Lost on Planet China: One Man’s Attempt to Understand the World’s Most Mystifying Nation. If  you get a chance to read any or all of them, do so. They are a great way of looking at life elsewhere and not just a tourist way of looking at this. I have to admit that Troost writes how I think when it comes to visiting other places. It’s more than just the places; it’s the people and how they go about their daily lives. It makes the world more connected and real, at least to me.

Blizzard for February, 2010 (Queens, NY)

I know I shouldn’t put too much attachment to hockey and solo bicycling touring but it’s so much darned fun to enjoy both of those pursuits. It never was the winning (although a nice side effect) but more the actual doing and the people that one meets in both. That said, I’ll likely stick to cycling for the near future since I don’t need  a car for it and I do for hockey (returning back to a goalie role would mean having a ton of crap to haul). Plus cycling is far healthier for me. I enjoy the tranquility of travel on two wheels and the sense of accomplishment when reaching a destination. It’s also a tad cheaper than hockey and more flexible although cycling does prefer better weather (I have cycled through a couple of hurricanes but snow is a little more difficult).

Cycling also lets me dream of faraway places. I still have dreams of cycling through the UK, France, to see the Dalai Lama and through parts of Africa. It all is so tempting but I know I will have to put it on hold at one point once kids arrive so I should try to get one or two of those faraway places under my belt at some point. In the meantime, I’ll dreamily ponder what it would be like biking up and down the Western Seaboard and the southern US.

Hilly comes to mind.

At least, there’d be no snow.

I hope.

I love watching hockey, especially women’s hockey. And gotta say.. I get proud when I see them win.

Go, Canada, Go!

The Dance of the Fountain..

This week has been a challenging one. Granted last week was fun. I got to stay in Vegas and teach there, which meant that in the evenings I got to enjoy the town a bit. That was good. I won some, I lost some. I think my biggest win was $70, which I used to buy some premium cigars. I think in all I lost maybe $40, which is a reasonable amount. I will say that if you go to Vegas, want a decent hotel room (with a full kitchen), willing to pay around $100 and don’t mind being directly on the strip (but can get a free shuttle to the Mandalay throughout the day/evening to go to the strip) then the Homewood Suites near the Vegas Airport (right across from it, actually) is a place to stay. The staff were amazing (particularly those during the Monday-Thursday shifts). I’ve stayed at quite a few hotels in my time but these guys were the best.

Clean shaven boi

One day I’d like to return to Vegas for non-work reasons and just have fun truly exploring the whole city. I didn’t get to the older part of Vegas like I did last time and I would love to visit some of the more natural sites. Maybe I should plan a bike trip from Los Angeles to Vegas in a couple of years. I did stick to my workouts for the two weeks I was on the road (Toronto and Vegas) and my diet was so-so. It could have been better. I learned that Vegas Portions are a supersized version of American portions, which are, to my Canadian eyes, to big as it stands. Flying back wasn’t fun as Mother Nature had some nasty things in store. I lucked out in that I missed most of it, although I got snarled in the after-effects. I had ended up on a single stop over — Vegas to Los Angeles to NYC. The Vegas to LAX part was packed but LAX to JFK was really empty. Either way, I managed to get upgraded to business class and it made the flight kinda better. I certainly didn’t have as much inspect as I had when traveling from Toronto to NYC (they’ve added in at least two more search options). Interestingly enough through all my travel I never got challenged on my passport. My picture doesn’t match my face any more and, to be frank about it, I suspect it’s a white male privilege thing. The beard and simple moustache should have thrown up markers since my gender didn’t match but that means either no one was threatened, didn’t care or didn’t notice.

Upon arriving back, I decided to shave the beard (leaving the pencil thin moustache). It was kinda shocking to see my bare face again (I left a little on the chin). K did a double-take after I had shaved it and, I think, still trying to come to gripes with the new face. Heck, even I am. It was funny that when I had the beard, I could have sworn I saw my uncle P looking back at me. As hard as life has been in the past for me, I will say that it was my mom’s siblings and her mother that centered me enough to become the person I am, even if it wasn’t what they expected. I’m a rather self-centered child (a side-effect of being an only child growing up around adults, I suspect — not an excuse but more of an observation).

NYC Blizzard (Feb 2010)

For the rest of the week, I had been battling a rather nasty head cold. All I can say is “Thank the gawds for the inventor of Nyquil!”. This stuff knocked me out for two days in a row, giving my body enough time to recover. And since this was an off-platform week for me (plus we got pummeled by more snow) it was great. As it turned out, K had a “Snow Day” on Wednesday. She squealed like a little kid when she saw all the snow falling. And more so when she began playing with it (making mini-snowballs). I treated her to some vegan hot chocolate and vegan marshmellows with a bit of not-so-vegan chocolate liquor mixed in. It was an awesome way to spend the afternoon as the sky fell down to the earth. It also allowed me to catch up on my Hulu queue and finally clear that out as well as get through the 3 NetFlix videos. The Beautiful Daughters one was particularly good. As a trans guy, I’m pretty privileged in many ways but the most important way is that I blend in a lot easier and am accepted far more than many of my trans-sisters are. This is probably part of why there was no issue with traveling between Canada and the US thus far. This video, which documents the first trans women version of the Vagina Monologues, is absolutely beautiful and shows some of the same difficulties that many trans women face that cis-gendered women face. And then some. If you can get the video and haven’t seen it, do so.

In other news, I’m hopeful that this year will be a good year for work. Some of my discussions with my managers seem to indicate so. The visa still looms large ahead of me and performance reviews are soon. I think I did well last year and I’m hopeful that it will be reflected pay wise. In the meantime, the company issued bonuses and let’s just say, the gov’t will be pleased with their cut of it (I hope I can get some of that back at tax time since that amounts to an overpayment). But my credit cards were also happy. I paid off my “cigar card” with part of it and paid off half of another (that one will be paid off completely in March). So life seems to be turning around a bit in regards to finances and such. Perhaps my dream of getting my top surgery done in 2011/2012 isn’t that far off now… eh.. we shall see.

For now, I have a cat to feed and a woman to romance a bit..

… Well, we’ll see. After today’s experience, it may not really stay in Vegas.

The morning started ok and I was a bit relaxed, enough to play my game a bit before leaving. Unfortunately, I had to leave earlier than planned because of need to have extra people for a meeting. So I rushed around, finished packing, wolfed down some food and left. I get to the airport and it turns out I wasn’t needed. To make things more fun, the plane was sold out. So no chance for an upgrade.

Since I knew this had been a risk, I ensured that I had an aisle seat (all of coach was 3 seaters, squished together) so I could get up and down when I wanted. As much as I’m trying to lose weight, it’s still a slow process and my butt is still a bit larger than the seat. When we boarded I was dismayed at how old the plane looked (had to be at least 10-15 years old). My seat pocket was pretty much ripped from the back of the seat in front of me.

The flight itself was rather uneventful albeit long. 5 and half hours in the air with poor circulation and cramped conditions wasn’t fun. The entertainment was sporatic, likely due to the age of the player, but that was fine since I had both videos of Gabriel Iglesias so I was able to laugh through most of the flight. I also read The Thrive Diet, something I’d like to do more of while doing the Power90 and P90X workouts. The book is actually a straightfoward read but I’m trying to figure out how easy it is to do as a daily thing when at home and when on the road. The road part might be a bit challenging but I think if I have at least 1-2 salads a day and eliminate the soda I should be good for the road part (at least for now).

When we finally landed I had to wait about 20 minutes before I left the plane. I had ended up in a seat way in the back and it took a while for all those in front of me to get off. As a business traveler, I’ve learned as to what it requires to make boarding and deplaning an easier process. Unfortunately, going to a place like Vegas (high on tourist visits) this took longer. It was an additional hike to get the luggage and once I got it, I had opted to grab a taxi as I knew the hotel wasn’t too far from the airport.

Mistake.

Another line that was actually longer than getting off the airplane (if you’re in Vegas, go shuttles or limos to the hotel). Once I got to the front, I had asked for a cab with credit card capabilities. That resulted in another line. And then my cabbie had no idea where the road or the hotel was.

Sigh.

But once I arrived and saw my room, I was thankful. As it turns out, the hotel offers free shuttles to the Mandalay. I think I might head there tomorrow night to do a few slots and to get something to eat (after work of course). And perhaps do the ol’ touristy photo thing.

This evening I did manage to get in a full 35 min workout and that was good. Dinner was a vegan burrito (not quite thrive but still better than the alternatives) and 2 bottles of water (saving the last one for tomorrow). While it felt like a long day (and it was) it is good to finally be able to turn in and get ready for tomorrow.

I’m still being bad about posting lately. I think I’m going through my hermit crab stage. I do this once and a while. Not sure why but I’m feeling a need to withdraw a bit from life. I suspect there may be a bit of depression and fear over the unknown (e.g., waiting for Performance Review to be done, waiting for visa/green card options, moving to L.A. and still having to purge, etc.). I’ve been trying to get out of the dool-drums by working out and that’s helped some but I need to work on it more. One of the big things, I suspect, is still diet. I’ve found that when I eat healthier, I’m definitely happier and more outgoing. Add exercise to that and I’m golden.

I did get the Power90 Videos and have to admit they do work (if I do them — consistency will be key). Amazing how a decent workout with resistance bands does more for me than I used to be able to do with free weights. And the bonus? I can do these in my hotel room or before a class starts (at least the ones that start at 10am). If I can be consistent with these for a while, I should see continued gains. And I’m hoping by the time I’m in L.A., I’ll be fit enough to move up to the P90X series. That should be enough to keep my body fit. The key is that I don’t want to be skinny. BMI suggests I should be 119lbs.

Really?

A toothpick, I would be.

I’m more aiming for the 150-165lbs range. The reality is that I do have a sizeable frame for my stature. I’m built like an ox or a bull (very square and if I tried, I could be no-neck athlete). I just want to drop down back to a healthier range. It’s a work in progress.

To add this, I suspect there is a bit of boredom going on and anticipation for the future. I’ve been doing a few things for far too long and I’m contemplating dropping a few sites from my moderation ability. The reality is that I’ve lost interest in those sites and have picked up interest in another: Butch Femme Planet. It’s been a while since I’ve been excited about something and I’m certainly enjoying this. While I’m not head honcho (which is fine — I try to avoid responsibility where possible), I am the geek consultant. And I am enjoying it (even if some things drive me up the wall — seriously: who makes a chat program where either all users are mods or no one is a mod!?). Anyways, it has made me contemplate that it’s time to retire my old site, MsMittens.com, and kick up another site I wanted to work on related to work/hobby stuff as well as my cigar blog. My old site has been around forever it seems but I haven’t added much to it.

I guess I need to do a virtual purge as well. I do collect things online much like I do in real life. I have this awful tendency to look at something and think, “hrmmm… I could such-and-such with you. That’d be awesome!”.

I’ll add more later tonight once I get to Vegas but for now, this will do.

Wow.

I just realized it’s been over a month since my last post.

Bad, Linus. Bad, bad, bad.

Although, I suppose it’s good. Work has been busy and I was on the road a bit (pictures to be added to my flickr account later). I was in California for two weeks (one week for work and one week for the holidays). It was good and the more I visit there the more I look forward to moving there — especially to escape the cold weather we have here. I have to admit to starting to get anxious about the move. I really do want to unload some of the larger items I have (anyone want any computer books and a 3 year old — but in good condition — Dell computer?). Some books I want to keep while others I do need to unload (anyone want to give a home to a bunch of Calvin&Hobbes, Baby Blues, Cathy and similar “comic strip” books? Just pay shipping). Given that a lot of the books I can get now I can add to my Kindle app on my iTouch, I don’t need as many physical books. I definitely want to lighten my load and overall human footprint.

I hate giving up books as I know the value of knowledge and I know how much I spent (it probably could have paid for my top surgery at this point) but reality is that I’ll need to lighten this load before we move. Some things will not be parted with (both bikes, cigar collection and comic book collection, 2 computer desks) but other things will go (clothing will be a big one as well since there is a lot I don’t wear any more or is too small). I still have stuff in Ontario that I never moved down because we just didn’t have the space. If we get a house at some point, I’ll move it down then (antique bed and indoor bicycle trainer amongst other things).

So that’s priority #1 for this year. Getting ready for another large move.

Have I mentioned how much I hate moving? I have a spent a lifetime on the move and there really was only once where I stayed in one place — that was in Toronto for nearly 9 years. I have to admit it was a nice apartment and the street was good but sometimes you do have to move on. Hopefully, one day, I can finally settle to one place — ideally a house I own — and not move again until its to the ground.

My next priority is losing weight and staying active. For January until April 1 I’ll be teaching almost exclusively online. While it’s nice that I get to stay home for that time, it kinda sucks because my office chair has been slowly melding to mah butt. And mah butt flowth over. So, time to get rid of the butts (big butts and little buts) and be more active. I have begun using my iPod more and more to do home exercises. And have been watching my intake of food in general (less in and more out == more weight loss).

I’ve been a bit better about working out before class starts, doing a simple routine of weights (mostly upper body) and some yoga (about 10 min worth). It’s not much but it is a start. I’ve incorporated an iPod app that is working me towards 100 pushups and another that is working me towards 200 situps — all in “good form”. The situps are not much of a problem but the pushups are a challenge. I’ve had to do modified pushups for now. My upper body strength sucks in the worst way.

Add to that a reduction in food intake and I should lose some weight and tone up a bit. I want to hold off on a full out cardio regime until we’re settled in Los Angeles. Then I want to take advantage of the many bike paths there. One thing I noticed far more in L.A., compared to NYC, is the amount of bicycle riding. Now part of keeping me on track is to be upfront and open about how I’m doing. So.. I’ll be posting a chart as to the weight loss over the next few months in various posts. I haven’t decided yet whether to add it as a side widget.

This is just awesome!