I recently read Véronique’s blog where she discusses an article by the Catholic Exchange where ENDA would legal protections against discrimination based on gender identity . In a nutshell, they say that trans individuals are deceivers, particularly focusing on MTFs, because they (transsexuals) are those “who reject the sex they were born with and want to be publicly accepted as the other sex” and want protections as well as additional consideration for hate crimes against trans individuals. As I read the article and a few of the comments, I thought to my blog entry to yesterday. So I thought about the discussion and some of the premises that it was based on. It was based on the fear that it would allow men in women’s dresses to go into women’s changing rooms and restrooms. I was surprised they didn’t use the “rape and pedophile argument” that is often used in this case. The whole thing is based on the idea that it’s a deliberate attempt to deceiver others, society and themselves. And that it’s being encouraged by the mass media and medical professions.

“We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

The more I thought about it,the more I was puzzled by items in the article. So began taking it apart, starting with the word “deception”. This is an old word from the 1400-1500s and is defined, by dictionary.reference.com, as a noun, to be either ” 1.the act of deceiving; the state of being deceived.” or  “2.something that deceives or is intended to deceive; fraud; artifice”.  Ok. I can live with that definition. But who’s being deceived? They claim the public is being deceived by the media and activits; the individual themselves are self-deceiving both themselves and others; and that the media and medical profession is deceiving trans individuals into believing that they must do this. Hrmm.

So, my own thoughts from when I was younger — before gender mattered to me — about seeing myself as male was a self-deception? And which is worse: self deception or perceived deception of society? Honestly, if no one knows my gender, does it matter? If it doesn’t matter why are people being killed over it? (Well, they did say that it was understandable to have this reaction because of the fact that one has “deceived” the other person of their “true” DNA). By their logic, I should spend the rest of my life in a gender that never fit, that’s not comfortable and caused me more personal grief over the course of my lifetime. It is almost as if they are saying that the person attacking is the victim, not the person being attacked.

But part of the premise that they are forwarding is a belief that there is a deliberate attempt by a trans individual to “deceive”. And what they do not understand or perhaps, may not be able to comprehend is that this isn’t a choice to do an action. For me, deception involves a deliberate intention to commit fraud to someone else and that we are aware that it is a fraud. And (yes, I’m generalizing but take a leap with me, please) I suspect that many trans individuals, like myself, don’t view transition or being trans as a fraud but rather that we’re finally being authentic as was given to us. A born-again Christian once said to me that while he didn’t understand my path he did admit that he felt that God had put many challenges before me. And he’s right (whether it is God, Allah, some other deity or none my life has been filled with a variety of challenges). I had always wondered why others were happy with life and how could I get in on that. I tried all sorts of things — things that often made me feel uncomfortable and made me feel like a sham, a fraud.

You should not live one way in private, another in public.  — Publilius Syrus (Latin writer of maxims, 45BC-1BC)

Apparently for those that believe the way that the Catholic Exchange do I should live my life as a sham than as my true self because society might have issue with it. I look back at the past and how Jesus or Buddha wer defined (I use Jesus as a reference since it’s a person that a Catholic could identify with; please be assured I am no way near the compassionate man he or someone like the Buddha was) during their times on the planet. Both men were viewed with fear, revulsion and misunderstanding until people took the time to learn about them and what they were talking about. Both had little desire to cater to the wealth and helped those that needed the most help. They remained true to themselves as beings rather than living up to the desire to fit into a specific view of things: one was the son of a carpenter (and probably likely to inherit that role) while the other a king and believed to inherit riches beyond imagination at the time. Society would have been happy with that but they “bucked” the trend and went with what they felt was the true nature of themselves.

If others choose to believe that someone like me deliberately attempts to deceive them, the one suggestion I have: this ain’t about you. It’s about me and what fits for me. I’ll let you know what you need to know when it’s relevant. There are a lot of things about me that others don’t need to know (although I do talk a lot here about what seems like everything) but there are some things that are on a need-to-know basis or will be on that basis.

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A classic. ‘Nuff said.

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Did you know there’s a 5am?? Seriously. It exists. I’m actually surprised I can get up, go out and bike 10 miles at that hour but I can. And when I do, besides feeling great for the rest of the day, I actually do a lot of thinking, pondering and meditating. While most buddhists meditate on a cushion, I’ve always found — especially on longer rides — that I can better meditate when I’m a road somewhere lost than when I’m “sure” of where I am. It is hard to get up at 5am sometimes but I know I have to do it, even if I only go for 30 minutes. It’s better than not going.

This morning I was pondering a few things, the most prominent how society (yes, I know I’m generalizing; bare with me) has decided that we shouldn’t present our opinions. It’s almost as if we’re ashamed of admitting to our prejudices, opinions and such. K and I have been watching All in the Family lately and for all the misguided views of Archie I will say that he was rarely shy to admit his true feelings and views about things. We’ve become so concious of other people’s views that we almost are afraid of forming our own. And if someone challenges our opinion of something, rather than facing that challenge, we give up and walk away. I really have no problem with people not liking the path that I’m on. It’s their choice to accept it or not. As long as they respect me as a human being, that’s fine. I would rather have someone debate with me about an issue or view using some variation of logic than not have the discussion. It then remains the giant elephant in the room that no one dares discuss and that means no one learns anything.

Mike Stivic: You know, you are totally incomprehensible.
Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.

It’s not to say that being vulgar or abrasive is necessary, nor are ad hominem attack needed. But that discussions need to be done, even if we do not agree. I almost wonder if the true art of debate and intelligent discussion is gone. We’re so intent on our own view that we do not consider any other as potentially valid and allow others to voice their views. It is a two-way street for everyone. I don’t think it’s that impossible to open the door to discussion, even when others are set in their views and ways, to have a respectful discussion if we acknowledge that everyone has different experiences in life that both give us rosy views and jaded views. Language, specifically the English one, is a cumbersome method of communication at time. What appears neutral to one appears otherwise to others.

A recent discussion, which I’ll admit I’m not fully sure why there is an uproar over, has been over the use of “cis-” (as in, cisgender, cis-sexual, etc.) to describe natal-gender born individuals (e.g., natal men and natal women). Some natal individuals find the use of “cis-” offensive. It was suggested to me that non-trans would be a better term. While I’ll be respectful and not refer to a person that finds “cis-” offensive, I’m not fully clear as to why it’s offensive. It’s true ignorance on my part but I’ve been having difficulty as to finding the reasoning behind it. Is it because it’s a term that the trans community seems to use to describe those whose gender DNA matches their gender soul? Is it because it’s an academic term? Is it because it might (a guess on my part) make them feel less than special? I’m open to discussion as to the how and why this is an issue but I haven’t found anyone who is willing to discuss it.

I know that many people hate labels but we, as humans, often use words to describe others or identify people. Some nice (e.g., given names) and some not so nice (e.g., derogatory terms) labels exist. The challenge is learning which ones are acceptable. The reality is that it often ends up being a very personal thing as to what is acceptable and what isn’t. I think, often, it’s not an deliberate attempt to offend someone, particularly when written online in forums, blogs and such, to use what some perceive as “offensive labels”. It’s important to not only identify why it’s offensive to the reader but what terms you would prefer to use. Both the author and the reader are not representatives of the whole of their “community” but rather are representing themselves in society as a whole and their place in it. That distinction is important for everyone involved to remember.

I do not speak for all white Canadian (Acadian) trans men in the world but speak for just me and how I view the world from my view of being those labels. Others may disagree with me and I welcome that. But that respect for individualness in the world means respecting the individual first. I don’t know how to bring that kind of discussion back to online communities so that actual discussion and debate, IMO, could continue again. As long as those don’t happen, we cannot as a society, again IMO, move forward to evolve.

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So today I did my 10 miles and certainly feel good. As I was cycling and monitoring my heart rate, it was hard not to think of Michael. Growing up in the 80s, Off the Wall and Thriller were both hits. So many of the few memories I have were tied to his music and I think it was because I would listen to it over and over and over again (this was pre-Walkman era) while on the top bunk of the bunk beds in my grandparents’ cottage on the St. Lawrence. It was my escape from the things that hurt, whether I understood why they hurt or not. Like any kid I wanted the latest news. Being in Canada, we didn’t have much options other than the teen magazines and Entertainment Tonight. It’s not like today where news is instant thanks to the internet. It often took a few hours before it became clear as to what happened.

The Pepsi Commercial fire is a prime example of that. I remember running down the stairs and being glued to the TV as Entertainment Tonight showed the clips of what had happened, what his condition was, etc. Growing up I was mocked by some for my “fan” status of Michael but I have to say that from him I learned that it was ok to be sensitive, that we need to be concerned about others (human or otherwise), that we should strive to be our best and put our whole heart into what we do, and so much more. I could never sing nor dance but he made me smile and cry. Songs like “She’s Out of My Life”, “Pretty Young Thing”, “Say, Say, Say” (with Paul and Linda McCartney), “Ben”, “ABC” (with Jackson 5) were all songs that hit one emotion or another. To this day, I cannot listen to “She’s Out of My Life” without shedding a few tears (I do find that since I’ve been on T I don’t cry nearly a tenth of what I used to — odd side-effect).

When I discovered the Internet, I found other like-minded fans and even got a chance in 1995 to go to NYC to see him do the HBO show. Illness, however, resulted in the show being canceled. I remember hanging around outside Mt. Sinai with other fans, talking, singing and cheering. It was a haven. I was so embroiled that I actually tried to state the “Official” Canadian Michael Jackson Fanclub. For a while I got flooded with letters for Michael and I’d shipped them off to his main fan club address. I wasn’t the direct connect but was hoping that it might mean more tours in the Land to the North. I saw him once in concert in Toronto (I had won tickets thanks to a Pepsi promo and got to take a train down from Ottawa to Toronto — It was fun but in the nose bleed and we had to leave before the show was over) as part of the Victory Tour in 1984. I loved it.

As I got older, my fandom matured from that of awe-struck teenager to appreciative of his music, creativity and plain talent. It’s nice to see that people are remembering him for his talent and abilities first and foremost. His past certainly wasn’t clean but many of us do mistakes and dumb, naive moves at times. We learn and go on. It will be weird to not hear new music from such a great talent.

R.I.P. Michael Jackson. Forever I will remember you as an example of a kind, caring, sensitive man.

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I always loved Lucy. But this has to be one of her best episodes (the Chocolate Factory one is the other). I crack up at this every time I see it. And since I’m trying to stay healthy perhaps I should invest in a bottle of Vita-Meata-Vegamin (not quite vegan last time I looked however).

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Cross-posted entry from FrugalVillage.com

Ever have those huge falling off the wagon moments and then tumble off the cliff in the process? I’ve been going through that lately. I’m not sure why other than that feeling I could do it. In reality there are really only two things that will cause me to do that: deals on cigars (bad, I know!) and bicycling (good stuff!) deals. I can say that I looked for the deals and deals that were 45% or more deep as well as questioned myself repeatedly to whether I really needed it versus wanted. There were a few things I didn’t get. But it was still excess spending.

Now I will admit that having a good cigar now and again with a cold beer is relaxing. And since cigars keep it’s not a bad thing. A single box could easily last a year, especially good ones. So a few deals later and … eep. Definitely not good.

The other thing is bicycling. Now I haven’t done it in a while but a recent doctor’s visit reminded me to get off my fat ass (and yes, it’s grown ) Reality is I did this to myself by plopping down in front of the computer, eating like I used to when I cycled 30-100 miles a day every day and then not moving at all.  Being vegan has an advantage of ensuring that even with laziness my bad cholesterol is still good (135?) but my good cholesterol is too low (36). Between my good cholesterol being too low and my blood pressure being a bit high (130/86) it’s an indication from my body that I need to move. I used to have 124/82 or thereabouts. Part of this is the testosterone I’m taking but reality is that it’s just a sign of laziness. So today I went for a 30 min ride at 5:30am. I prefer starting the day with exercise as it gets me going and gets me into a routine, something I need. And although it wasn’t a huge ride, it’s enough to get started with. I now have a simple route that I’m going to use for the next few weeks to get my cycling legs back (riding once a day 5-6 days a week).

Of course, I couldn’t find my gloves or my bike shorts so I made do but felt weird on the bike. First thing I did when I got back was order new gloves, new shorts, heart monitor and so on. It was a splurge but one thing about cycling gear is that it does last a few years. I think I misplaced my older gear and I know that most of it was when I was thinner (about 60lbs thinner).

I do admit feeling better about the cycling. And if I continue like I did in 2003-2005, I could create the same habits. For some reason my cycling depressed my urge to spend (maybe spending is a sign of depression or “blues” and ties in with eating?). So, I’m gonna try again. I know I can do this, I just have to stay focused on this and move it forward.

In other stuff, work has been kicking my butt lately (a good thing in some regards). It’s part of why I haven’t been on the forums and why I’ve been stressing so much. Hopefully once the next couple of weeks pass things should settle down some. I’m really hopeful about that and think I might even be able to ask for a raise come fall, even if it’s just a small one. I am pestering them about getting a green card so if I got a small one and a green card I’d be thrilled. I also came out at work. Coming out gay is nearly norm in many places but coming out transgendered/transsexual is a whole other ball of wax. It went really well. And to top it off, it was the same week that Chaz (formerly Chastity Bono) came out about starting his transition. Contrary to what many feel, this isn’t a “choice” but rather something that must be done to continue living.

It’s that ability to continue living that allows one to get back on the wagon, even if we’re down on the side of the cliff. I think I may be able to jump up and on to the wagon again later this week with full force and vigor.

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It is something that I’ve mentioned before but is worthwhile mentioning again: trans history is often almost non-existent. It’s not that it doesn’t exist but that few people remember it, know about it or care to know about it. Recently in the Dallas Voice they did cover it. I’ve included a snippet of the article below. Keep in mind that trans history goes farther back than this. In fact, Buddha allowed for transgendered “males to be ordain and live as nuns and transgendered females to ordain and live with monks”.  Most of the information is piecemeal and all over the place. Perhaps one day it can be centralized in one location or published in a book about the history of trans individuals worldwide. Quite often, however, it is more recent times where transgendered/transsexual has become politicized and a request for explicit rights and protections has been asked. Hopefully, one day, too, this will be a wonderful part of history.

1969
On Saturday, June 28, the Stonewall Inn, a Mafia-run gay bar in Greenwich Village, is raided by police officers arresting gender nonconforming patrons and workers, hauling them off in paddy wagons. Though reports vary, transgender individuals such as Sylvia Rivera have been cited as among the first to resist police harassment.

This same year,  Stanley Biber performs his first sex change operation and his practice in Trinidad, Colo., later becomes known as the “Sex Change Capital of the World.”

1970
Angela Douglas leaves the Gay Liberation Front, established in response to Stonewall, on grounds of anti-transgender sentiment and forms TAO (Transsexual Activist Organization), the first international grassroots transgender organization.

1971
Transgender woman Paula Grossman, a music teacher at Cedar Hill Elementary School in Basking Ridge, N.J., is fired on the grounds she was “an impairment of the school system.”  Grossman lost her case at the N.J. state and federal levels and was denied a U.S. Supreme Court appeal.

1972
Transgender woman and lesbian singer Beth Elliot is ousted from the Daughters of Bilitis, the first lesbian rights organization in the U.S., on the grounds she wasn’t “really a woman,” causing a schism in the organization. Elliot, though, is embraced by a two-thirds majority of lesbians at the 1973 Westcoast Lesbian Feminist Conference and allowed to musically perform.

1973
Love it or hate it, the world is introduced to Dr. Frank N. Furter, the self-identified “sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania,” in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” originally a British stage musical.

1974
British historian and transgender woman Jan Morris publishes her transitional memoir “Conundrum,” and is later named by The Times as one of Britain’s top 15 writers since The War.

1975
Fantasia Fair makes its debut in P-town and has today become the longest-running annual transgender event.

Read more here.

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So this week I’m in Dallas. It’s been a decent week albeit hot. And I don’t just mean warm, I mean so hot an egg could fry on the pavement if you put it there. The food culture here is also challenging. The deep-frying of everything can be a bit much (although, if I wasn’t vegan, I’d try the deep fried Snickers; maybe if they could deep fry an oreo for me or something). I did have deep fried corn on the cob (!!?!). It did seal in the juicyness of the cob but there was nothing more to it than that. Food aside, it’s been both a good week and a bit depressing. It’s good in that I’m rock star as I teach. The students seem to be enjoying it and staying awake (heat be damned). This is always good and getting lots of questions, even in a small class, has been good. I’ve been “Ma’am” and “she’d” a little more than I’d like, however. It’s weird after going for weeks on end where I get “sir”, “mister”, etc. to be given the other gender like that. It’s almost a slap in the face as to what I do not feel comfortable in.

This is a stark contrast to last week when I felt like I was on top of the world. The variety of activities that ensued to make life seem far more exciting and safe than they do this week. I’m actually kind of concerned, given that I’m in Texas — relatively conservative compared to other places, about how others may be reacting to me and how my presence in certain areas (e.g., washroom and such) may heighten the risk to my personal safety. My students seem ok but it’s really everyone else that I have to deal with that worries me. The looks I get (and ignore for the most part) have me wondering if someone is going to try something. For all of my life I’ve never been worried about my safety until now. The more I experience this the more I want some basic surgeries to address what is still left to address.

This week has seen a continuance of the discussion of Chaz’ decision to transition. It is great in one way to have such a public figure transition but in others, it may open up more of a challenge for other trans individuals. We’ll be expected to be as open and public about our process. For me it’s not an issue but for others it may be. They  may have more of a private life that they do not want to be shared nor do they want that expectation to be shared looming over them. Additionally, Chaz startdoom is a benefit to him, even if it’s inherited. He’ll likely be treated better than the average trans individual. This will be true, IMO, on a face-to-face basis. When one is viewed from a distance a whole variety of other factors will come into play, particularly anonymity. The responses by the general public has been less than positive. If anything they have been worse than what I’ve seen against other trans individuals.

In some ways it would be nice to let the public see how a transition is and what it’s like to face discrimination, particularly when people don’t understand the reasoning behind transitioning. It’s not about what’s in society; it’s not about wanting privilege; it’s not about trying to fit in with what society accepts. It is about what is acceptable to the self and how a person views the self in regards to others. I understand why others cannot see the world as I see it and why I have this need or this coercive soul-binding draw to do what I must just as much as I cannot understand what it’s like to not have that in place. The important thing is to remember that not all of us walk the same path. Whether you call it God, Fate or just what life is we each have our own path put before us. Degrading and demeaning one of us affects us all.

As much as I would like to be accepted by society I know that will not be the answer to my ultimate soul happiness. For that, I have to accept myself as is. And try as I might, the view of what I am is very different than what I was born with (just the external parts — inside, there is a lot I like although I’m constantly improving and updating). Shouldn’t that be what our lives are about? Experiencing, learning, growing??

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So I did an iReport here and am shocked as to how many people have looked (last count was in the 1,700s!). And from reading some of the responses to the other iReports, many have been positive (although, like any there are those that aren’t so positive about trans individuals). Whee! I think I might do a full response to one report later today or tomorrow. Now, to do some work stuff.

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